You Can't Push It Underground

Brendon didn’t really intend to run into Gerard, but given the fact that Gerard is there at a table by himself, he just decides, ‘hey why not?’

“Hi Gerard,” Brendon says, in greeting, and the redhead looks up surprised. He’s staring down at his phone intently, and the blue light illuminates the bottom half of his face. When Brendon greets him, he only looks like he’s half there.

“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here,” Gerard says.

“I’m always here,” Brendon says, because it is, after all, the only gay bar in town.

Brendon points to the seat across from Gerard, silently asking permission to sit down and Gerard nods, “oh, please sit down.”

Brendon isn’t short, but the chairs here have massive legs, so his legs do dangle a few inches from the ground. Gerard turns his phone off to look at Brendon.

“Did Frank say anything to you about last night?” Gerard asks, getting quickly to the point.

“Not much,” Brendon says, because Frank had never called back after the breakdown he’d had. He talked to Brendon for five minutes about Gerard’s ex, and he hasn’t heard from the guy since.

“Oh,” Gerard answers dejectedly and he lowers his head to look at the table somberly.

“Why? Did something happen?” Brendon asks.

“No. Well, yes. Nothing, but something, but then... I don’t know,” Gerard’s hair is falling over his face, hiding his eyes, so Brendon’s now having a conversation with Gerard’s fringe.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Brendon says, wondering what the fuck could’ve happened this time.

“Well, everything was going fine, but then he just got all scared and I don’t know what I did.”

Brendon groans outwardly, slouching down in the seat, because he knows how stupid Frank can be. He’s probably done yet another dumb thing that makes Gerard think he hates him. Frank is a very strange person who often talks to people in a way that makes people think he’s annoyed with everything they say. Brendon wouldn’t be surprised if Frank accidentally started doing that with Gerard, and Gerard is now under the impression that Frank was bored on the date.

Frank had been so excited and nervous for the date though, so Brendon wants to believe that he did enjoy himself. He would hate for Frank to have discovered that he really didn’t like Gerard at all, because then all his work would be down the drain. Also, Gerard would be pretty bummed out about it, but Brendon sees Frank more so he cares more about the guy’s feelings.

“What did he do?”

Gerard shrugs, “I guess I scared him off. I didn’t mean to, but he seemed like he was really into me, and I thought we were having a good time.”

“You’re going to have to tell me what all happened. I’ll talk with Frank about it.”

“No! Please don’t. It’s my fault, I don’t want to embarrass myself any further than I already have. The bottom line is that Frank and I... we just aren’t going to work out.”

Brendon’s heart falls a little bit. That’s the last thing he’d wanted to hear Gerard say.

“Why though? Frank was so excited. He... you have to tell me what happened. I can talk to him, try to get through that thick skull of his.”

Gerard frowns again, “but that’s the thing. I don’t even know what happened! We were doing just fine, and I plucked up the courage to kiss him, and he even seemed happy about it, but then out of nowhere he just freaked out.”

“It was just nerves I’m sure,” Brendon says, but he’s not sure at all.

“Nerves don’t make a person bolt seconds after paying the bill,” Gerard answers. “He doesn’t like me, its fine. You can’t win every battle.”

“But Frank does like you. I know he likes you! This is all just messed up,” Brendon shakes his head, “do not tell yourself Frank doesn’t like you. He’s being a whiney toddler.”

“But-”

“I’m sorry, I have to go have a long heated conversation with Frank,” Brendon says before standing up. He walks away from Gerard leaving him with no more words than that.

“Were we having a conversation?” Gerard calls after him.

“I have a midget to go knock some sense into,” Brendon yells back.

~*~*~*~

Brendon arrives in front of Frank’s house to see two people knocking furiously on the front door. He goes up to stand in front of the door behind them, but they don’t even notice him.

“Excuse me, but how long have you two been knocking?” Brendon asks.

The Sinclair’s both jump, startled, but turn to him and say, “we know he’s in there, we heard his phone ringing not too long ago.”

Brendon sighs, because he’d been the one who called.

“Give me a ballpark estimation for how long you’ve been trying,” Brendon instructs.

“About half an hour,” the woman says, and Brendon doesn’t know whether to be horrified by their determination or impressed.

“Well go the fuck away, he’s having an existential crisis,” Brendon says, but when the two of them don’t move, he crosses his arms. “I will call the cops and accuse you two of trespassing if you don’t get away from this house right the fuck now.”

Both of their eyes widen and they decide to step around Brendon carefully, and away from the front door. Brendon smiles, because he didn’t think that would work.

“I’d say thank you, but it’s common courtesy to know when you’re unwelcome anyway!” Brendon shouts after them, and then turns back to the door. He has a spare key to Frank’s house that’s only to be used in emergency’s, but Frank’s not answering his phone even when he’s clearly in the house. Brendon decides now is as good a time as any to use the key.

Brendon opens the door, and unlocks it behind them. It looks eerily dark in the living room, telling Brendon that Frank either hasn’t woken up, or hasn’t gotten out of bed yet.

“Frank!”

“Go away!” Frank calls from upstairs, so Brendon decides he is awake. Brendon is a proper genius sometimes.

He decides, as any sane person would, not to go away, and makes his way up the stairs. Frank’s bedroom door is ajar, and he opens it further tentatively, but he doesn’t see Frank in his bed or anywhere else in his room.

“Frank?”

“I told you to go away!” Frank yells, and Brendon brings his eyebrows together when he realizes where Frank is. The door to Frank’s closet is shut, and Brendon walks over to it so that he can confirm his suspicion.

Frank doesn’t use his closet for much of anything, because he has a dresser, so it’s pretty much empty aside from some miscellaneous crap. One of the miscellaneous items in Frank’s closet is his foot, which is attached to his leg, which is probably attached to his torso and so on. Brendon has to go with probably because there’s a coat hanging from a bar in the closet that’s hiding the rest of Frank’s body.

Brendon rolls his eyes and shoves the coat away to see Frank hiding with his arms wrapped around his legs, in an almost fetal like position.

“Dude, you’re closet lurking days ended in high school,” Brendon says, “how about you go and join the real world?”

“I can’t,” Frank replies.

“You’re so stubborn,” Brendon says, but he decides to take a seat in the closet opposite Frank. There’s a clothes hanger poking into his back, but he picks it up and throws it to the side.

“Why are you here?”

“Gerard told me you ran off last night?”

“Oh god,” Frank says, letting his head fall onto his knees which are pulled up into his body. “You already found out about that?”

“Would you care to explain to me why?”

“I can’t do it, Brendon. He kissed me, and it was amazing, but then I realized what it meant, and I can’t do that. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to be a burden on Gerard. It’s one thing to have a crush on a guy, but it’s another to date someone. I can’t date him, Brendon, that’s not who I am.”

“It could be who you are.”

“But I’m scared. I’m not that kind of person, and I don’t know how to be. Gerard was going to figure it out sooner or later, that I’m just not for him. I can never be a person who gives him a relationship like that. I’m a fucking useless one-night stand douchebag with a penchant for messing things up.”

“You’re too afraid to be involved with Gerard because you don’t wanna mess it up?” Brendon asks.

“Exactly!”

“That’s bullshit, Frank. Ninety percent of a relationship is messing things up. You will mess something up every goddamn day of your life, and that’s how you keep a relationship fresh. No one knows what they’re doing, and you seem to think that they do. Frank, everyone is as hopeless as you are.”

“That’s not possible.”

“It really is. You are going to make thousands of mistakes in your life. Millions, actually. Dating Gerard is not one of them. Even if things don’t work out, and who says that’s going to be the case, but even if they don’t, you have to take the chance. If you never take a chance, you’ll never accomplish anything.”

“I’m so scared though,” Frank replies. “I’ve never done this before, and it’s so daunting. Like, I can’t like him. I don’t want to like him, but I do, and it’s scary. I never care this much about other people, it’s always just been me on my own! I’m not ready to take on the role of boyfriend, or anything. I want Gerard, I really do, but I don’t know how to be myself without scaring him away.”

“You have to be yourself though, Frank. If you scare him away when you’re being yourself then he wasn’t right for you anyhow. If he can’t accept you for who you are, then it’s right of him to walk away,” Brendon says.

“You say that, but I like him. I like him so much and I don’t know why. I don’t eant him to run away!”

“We’ve all been there, Frank. Everyone is afraid of falling in love the first time, but wouldn’t it be fantastic if you gave it a try, Frank?”

“What if I mess it up?” Frank asks.

“But what if you don’t?”

“You’re avoiding my question, Brendon! What if I mess it up?”

“You’re avoiding mine too. What if you don’t?”

“I guess I’d be happier in the long run?” Frank asks, “But if I’m wrong, about Gerard, if you’re wrong about Gerard-”

“Then you’ll be put off for a little while, and it’s understandable. Heartbreak is hard, but it isn’t the end of the world. You can make it through a heartbreak, and you’re one of the strongest people I know, so I know that of all people, you can. You just have to put yourself out there to try.”

“But I’m not good for Gerard. Why would he ever want me?”

“Well, Frank,” Brendon says, “to be perfectly honest, I don’t know why anyone would ever want you, but Gerard does. I think you’re kind of gross and hideous, but Gerard sees something in you. You see something in him too, so why don’t you just give it a shot? One more date, and tell me you don’t feel good about yourself while you’re on it. If you honestly feel like it’s too much pressure and it’s not worth it, then I’ll leave it alone. I won’t try to set you up again, but I think you have what it takes to make it work. I think you don’t know you do, but I think you can do it.”

“Why do you have so much faith in me?”

“Because I see more of you than anyone else does. You’re not the person a lot of people think you are, you’ve got a lot of heart to give, but you need to realize that for yourself before you’ll ever be able to give it.”

“And you think Gerard is right for that?”

Brendon shrugs, “I think you’ll only find out if you give it a shot.”

“But what if I don’t have another shot? What if I blew it last night?” Frank asks.

“If Gerard is as interested in you as I think he is, then he’ll understand what happened. You weren’t running away from Gerard, you were running away from your feelings for him.”

“I want, with him, what I’ve never wanted with anyone. I want him to like me back, but I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t,” Frank says in a quiet voice.

“You’ll get up and keep going. Life goes on, Frank, and if you don’t realize that, than you deserve to be left behind anyway,” Brendon says, “You just have to wing it and let your life go where it goes. Make it up as you go, and hope you come out on the right end of the maze.”

Frank shakes his head and questions, “And if I go the wrong way?”

“Well, that’s a part of the fun.”