You Can't Push It Underground

Two days after Brendon and Frank had a heart to heart in a closet, and Frank’s finally made up his mind about Gerard. It wasn’t an easy conclusion to come to, but it was the only real one he could make given the circumstances. Brendon has never been the most enthusiastic on how Frank chooses to live his life, and he’s positive that this situation will be no different from days past. Brendon won’t like it at all.

“I can’t do it, Brendon,” Frank says.

“What?”

“I just can’t do it. I can’t afford to lose my way of living.”

Brendon sighs long and hard, “You’re a fucking idiot.”

“Thanks for accepting my decision,” Frank says sarcastically.

“I don’t agree with you. That’s all I have to say. I think you’re painfully wrong about this one, and I’m not going to just sit back quietly and keep my opinions to myself. I know you’re wrong, so I’m going to voice my discontent,” Brendon replies.

“But you have to let me do what I want. You’re not my boss,” Frank says.

“No you’re right, I’m not your boss, but that doesn’t mean I think you’re any less wrong about this one. In ten years you’ll really come to regret this,” Brendon says. “It’s just that...”

“What?” Frank asks, when Brendon doesn’t finish his words.

“Is this because of the bet? Are you actually angry with me? Are you doing this to get out of the bet?”

“Of course not!” Frank says, because it honestly isn’t about the bet. He’d nearly forgotten the damn thing.

“Are you sure? Because if you like Gerard, but want to call off the bet, that’s fine. I’ll think you’re a weakling for the rest of your life, but it’s fine if you want to date him and not give me that guitar back,” Brendon says.

“It’s not about a damn guitar, Brendon. This is about me, and I just can’t do this with Gerard right now.”

“Right now?”

“Maybe I’ll change my mind in the next few years. It won’t be any time soon, I can guarantee you that, I think I’m going to let Gerard go, but maybe it’ll change.”

Brendon makes an either angry or annoyed expression, “You’re wrong. I don’t know what else to tell you. I cannot believe you are just going to dump Gerard like that though. We both know you like him. Gerard even knows you like him.”

“What do you want me to do, Brendon? I’m not ready! I’m not. I can’t do this, and I’m not prepared for how it might change my life. I don’t care if it’s a good change or a bad one or a neutral change, I just cannot do it right now.”

“I’ll respect your decision,” Brendon says, though he doesn’t look to really believe himself when he says that, “but I don’t agree with it. Honestly I’m just a little disappointed in you.”

“Disappointed? What? Why?”

“Because of the way you’re acting like a child, Frank,” Brendon says.

“I’m not a child. I’m an adult making a tough decision that could decide my immediate or indefinite future. That is a huge life decision, Brendon. You and I agree on a lot of things, but this isn’t one of those things.”

“I just hope you realize that you’re the one who has to break this news to Gerard,” Brendon says.

“Yeah, I get that,” Frank says, “What do I say?”

“That’s your responsibility!” Brendon says loudly, and he stands up from his seat in the living room to make for the front door.

“What so you’re just going to leave me because you don’t think I’m doing what’s right?” Frank asks.

“I do not want to be around you right now. I think you’re doing the wrong thing, personally, but it’s your brain, and I’ve never understood your brain anyway,” Brendon says. “And you have to call Gerard. Make it sooner rather than later. I’d hate for you to keep him hanging. The last thing he needs is another hook to be caught on.”

“You’re accusing me of being a bitch?”

“Well a jerk at the very least,” Brendon says.

“Fine, then I invite you to get the fuck out of my house,” Frank replies.

“Oh I intend to,” Brendon replies, and a few seconds later the door is slamming closed behind Brendon. Frank peers around the corner to see the closed door, and then makes his way over to it and locks it twice so that Brendon can’t get back in, even with a key.

Frank is pretty much lost in his own head. He’s pretty confident in his decision, but it still makes him kind of sad. He doesn’t know why he’s afraid, or of what, but he knows that he is, and that’s not something he can just wish away. He does like Gerard though. A lot. That’s one of the things he’s pretty sure is scaring him though. He’s never liked someone like that. Nothing at all makes sense to Frank right now. The last thing he wants is to force a guy as nice as Gerard to have to put up with him and his indecisiveness.

Frank makes his way back over to the living room, and collapses onto his couch with his phone in one hand. He leans back against the arm rest, trying to find an angle that will make all of his problems go away. Of course, the way he sits on a sofa is going to do nothing to make anything stop being so confusing.

Everything seems so uncertain for him right now and he wishes he could just wish away meeting Gerard. He wishes Brendon had never made them go on a date. He also wishes that he’d never bumped into the guy at the bar, but stupid Brendon made the two of them resolve the problems they had with each other. Now all he really wants is for there to be a way to be friends with Gerard without putting a label on it.

Frank does want to hang out with Gerard. He wants to kiss the guy, and do coupley things with him, but the problem is in that label. Frank doesn’t want to be a boyfriend, he doesn’t want to have a boyfriend, and he doesn’t want to be in a couple. He just wants a romantic friend, sort of. He’s so caught up in the label that he’s letting that fear cloud his judgment, but he doesn’t realize that.

As stupid as it sounds, Frank does actually call Gerard a few minutes later. He has to close his eyes to try to keep himself from cringing at his own words.

“H-hey Gerard,” Frank says.

“Can we cut to the chase, Frank? Good news or bad news?” Gerard says bluntly.

“Bad.”

Gerard sighs, and Frank can hear him breathing out loudly on the other end, “right, fine.”

“I’m sorry,” Frank says.

“Save it, Frank. I’m the one who should be sorry. Thinking you could change, how stupid can I be?” Gerard says, angrily, “I can’t believe I actually thought there was a part of you that was capable of human emotions.”

“I really am sorry though! I don’t want you to have to deal with me, when it’s clear that I can’t do this. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m afraid. Okay? I’m afraid! That’s it, and I’m just not willing to do this.”

Gerard doesn’t say anything, “You’re a robot, Frank. I thought that maybe there was some part of you that could behave like a real person, but I was wrong. You’re just a robot.”

“I’m really not. It’s because of the fact that I’m not a robot that I have to tell you this. I don’t want to make you mad, but I’m also not going to lie to you or myself.”

“I’d rather you own up to it now, then lie to me in the future, I guess,” Gerard says, “have fun with your whatever.”

Frank is pretty sure that there’s nothing he can say to make anything any better. Gerard is pissed, and Frank honestly doesn’t blame the guy. He has the right to be pissed off, even if Frank doesn’t necessarily understand why. He understands the notion of why Gerard is upset, it’s the practice of it that mixes him up a bit.

“Try to understand that I’m trying to spare you from putting up with me. If you don’t like the way I’m acting about this, then you should know this is how I act about everything, so you wouldn’t like me anyway,” Frank says.

“Fine. If that’s your choice. I’m not going to fight you on it. Just know that I really was willing to try,” Gerard says.

“I hope you find it in you to forgive me someday. I feel awful, because I do like you, Gerard. I do, and that’s why we can’t do this.”

“Whatever, Frank,” Gerard says, “I’d say see you later, but I take it that’s not what either of us wants, so I won’t say that.”

“Alright,” Frank replies.

“Alright,” Gerard echoes.

“Goodbye?”

“Hopefully,” Gerard says, and hangs up. Frank just collapses even further into his couch, feeling like a total prick.