Ready to Go

His thoughts race through him in a whorl. It’s wrong. There’s no point. It’s a bad idea. Yet he discloses the idea and goes with his instinct. He feels as if someone had started a fire inside of him and there was no possible way to douse it. Nervously, he wipes his brow with the back of his hand, and before he can convince himself not to, he stands.

His feet catch on the edge of something and he curses quietly in the dead silence of the bus. Only soft snoring and gravel crunching underneath the tires can be heard. He knows he has to be quiet. He can’t risk waking the others.

He traces his fingers along the rough texture of the wall, guiding his way to the back lounge where Brendon usually crashes after a long night of movies and texting.

Brendon’s sleeping form is sprawled along the couch. His form cast in a light blue where the TV is left on, the movie over, and nothing playing. He snuffles in his sleep and Ryan pictures Brendon’s confused face when he awakes. Ryan doesn’t want to wake him, but he needs this, has been needing this for some time now.

He wipes his sweaty palms on his pants and licks his dry lips. His fingers shake as they reach out to Brendon and gentle push on the boy’s shoulder.

“Bren, hey Brendon, wake up,” Ryan whispers. Brendon shifts in his sleep but otherwise doesn’t move. Ryan pushes harder but nothing happens.

A soft sigh escapes his lips as he weighs his options. Carefully, he straddles Brendon and pokes his chest. Nothing. He leans closer to him, faces merely inches apart and whispers, “Brendon, wake up, I need you.” Brendon’s only movement is his eyes rapidly moving behind their lids.

Ryan closes the few inches between them and softly presses a kiss to Brendon’s lips. At this, Brendon does wake up. He blinks away the sleep from his eyes and gazes up at Ryan.

“Ry, what?” his voice groggy with sleep. He raises his arm over his head slightly, to stretch, but can’t successfully move with Ryan on top of him.

“I need you. I want you,” Ryan says, then kisses Brendon again. The M&M’s Brendon had earlier lingers in his mouth and Ryan can taste it. For a moment he can see Brendon forgetting to brush his teeth and just falling asleep to a movie playing in the background.

“Why now and not before?” Brendon asks. Ryan’s fingers sprawl along Brendon’s neck and face as he speaks. His fingers tracing the way Brendon’s jaw moves with every word formed.

“I wasn’t ready before,” Ryan replies then shifts his hips harder onto Brendon’s.

“Okay,” is all Brendon says and Ryan continues to grind his hips downwards while capturing Brendon’s mouth once again.

*~

Brendon waits, as always, for Ryan to gather his things and walk to the interview with him. A grin makes its way across Brendon’s face as his eyes land on Ryan’s form making its way off the bus.

“For a second there I thought you were going to be late,” Brendon says. Ryan’s eyes shift over Brendon’s features. He stares longer than he probably should have at the way Brendon’s smile makes his lips look fuller, more promising. Subconsciously, Ryan licks his own lips.

Brendon’s hand reaches out to grasp Ryan’s but Ryan pulls away, quickly shaking his head. He would never be able to tell Brendon no out loud. He doesn’t want to see the way Brendon’s face will crack and his eyes will shift to his shoes. He doesn’t want to see that beautiful smile disappear.

The small couch, when they get to the interview, is the excuse Ryan gives for sitting so closely to Brendon. Their knees knock against each other while Brendon answers question after question. Ryan doesn’t enjoy talking to interviewers so he lets Brendon do the work. And maybe, he figures, after the interview is over, he’ll reward Brendon somehow.

*~
The rough brick wall pushes into Brendon’s back where Ryan has him pinned. People walk by but Ryan ignores this in favor of Brendon’s mouth. One of Brendon’s legs is wrapped tightly around Ryan’s waist. Ryan uses the leverage to push himself further against Brendon.

“You did really good in the interview,” Ryan sighs against Brendon’s neck. Automatically, Brendon tilts his head to the side. Ryan heatedly places open mouthed kisses along Brendon’s neck.

“Is this my reward?”

In response, Ryan pushes his erection harder into Brendon’s.

*~
“No, really Jon, I already have our kids names picked out,” Brendon says. Jon stops his chewing to glance at Brendon.

“Really, cause Bren, that’s a little -”

“Tyler for a boy, and Jordan for a girl,” he says, nodding a little in conformation.
“Brendon, you do know you guys aren’t even official yet, right? Don’t you think it’s a little too soon to be picking out kids names?” Jon asks. Brendon glances up at Jon who’s still staring at him. He shrugs and gets up and stretches.

*~
Spencer’s quiet snoring sounds from across the aisle and Ryan carefully swings his legs out of his bunk. It’s dark so he searches his way down from his top bunk to the ground. He knows that Brendon is in the back lounge, like he always is. Ryan can hear the sound of a movie playing so it’s safe. Plus, Jon can sleep through anything.

He fumbles his way into Spencer’s bunk and slips under the covers.

“Hey,” Spencer says. Ryan let’s out small squeak.

“Thought you were asleep,” Ryan mumbles.

“No, I could feel you waking up.”

“Feel me waking up? What?”

“So what did you want,” Spencer says, low and smooth, ignoring Ryan’s question. Ryan searches Spencer’s face through the dark. He places a hand on his face, rubbing his thumb gently through Spencer’s stubble.

“Mmm, you need to shave,” Ryan says. He nuzzles his head into the crook of Spencer’s neck.

“Is it Brendon this time?” Spencer asks. The last time Ryan was like this was when he was uncertain about whether or not he should break up with his girlfriend. He had nuzzled into Spencer back then, like he is now, and talked softly into his shoulder, until he had sorted through everything in his head.

Ryan places a small kiss against Spencer’s neck. And this is how it starts. Ryan places gentle kisses against Spencer’s neck until he gets to Spencer’s mouth. He sighs,breath washing over Spencer’s lips, then places a kiss against his mouth.

Spencer takes it as a yes, it is Brendon.

*~
Brendon has Ryan corned against the counter in their small kitchen. One hand is resting against the back of Ryan’s neck, the other is on his hip, pushing Ryan hard into the counter. Ryan’s arms are slack to his sides.

“Your mouth is all red. Is there something you’re not telling me, Ryan?” Brendon growls at Ryan. His attempt at intimidation is pointless considering he has to look up at Ryan.

“What does it matter? We’re not actually together,” Ryan says, he places his hands against Brendon’s chest and pushes him away.

He fights back for a second, even goes as far as trying to kiss Ryan. But it fails when Ryan gives a firm “no.”

Brendon’s face pinches. This happens when he hears something he doesn’t like, like no, we’re out of M&M’s, or Brendon, you can’t have Red Bull for breakfast. Ryan sees Brendon’s pinched face. He sees and he knows he should do damage control. But Ryan doesn’t do damage control.

Ryan leaves Brendon sitting heavily on the table.

*~

The overwhelming stench of cheap perfume, cigarettes, and alcohol surround them. They’re in some shitty club and Ryan doesn’t want to be here. He wasn’t even asked to come along, he was told.

He pouts, sitting at the bar and nursing a drink. The last time he tried to dance, the guys made fun of him for days. So he sits. He watches.

Across the crowd Brendon is grinding against some random guy and Ryan swallows thickly, and downs the rest of his drink.

He watches, glaring at the two of them, until the stranger leans in to kiss Brendon and Brendon kisses him back. Ryan stands so quickly he knocks his stool over.

It’s times like this Ryan wishes he could catch people on fire with just a look. Instead, he pulls out his phone out and texts Spencer saying that he’s going back to the bus.

Ryan stares at the ceiling. Waiting. Brendon should be coming back anytime now. Just Brendon too. Brendon’s eyes will scan the bar where he last saw Ryan and see he’s missing, instantly knowing that he grumpily went back to the bus. He always does. Spencer and Jon will stay out longer.

Brendon trips onto Ryan’s body sprawled across the couch.

“Hey,” he says, rubbing his fingers across Brendon’s hip.

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Ryan grabs Brendon’s wrist, ceasing all movement.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to fall on you,” Brendon says, trying to pull himself away and off of Ryan. Instead, Ryan flips Brendon over, so Ryan’s on top of him.

“No, not that. You shouldn’t have kissed that guy.” Ryan’s fingers dig roughly into Brendon’s wrists, holding them over his head.

“You said yourself that we weren’t dating. You don’t own me, Ryan. You can’t get angry at me for kissing someone else.”

Ryan’s grip tightens harder on Brendon’s wrists. He squeezes, probably leaving bruises, but he doesn’t mind. Brendon needs the reminder.

“You don’t even know him. He could have STD’s for -”

“You kissed Spencer and you’re bitching at me for kissing someone?” Brendon says. Ryan’s grip loosens slightly and he sits back onto Brendon’s hips.

“What Spencer and I do is none of your business.”

“But me kissing guys is yours?” Brendon asks. Ryan’s caught. His throat tightens and his grip on Brendon loosens a little more.

“Shut up,” he replies quietly. He doesn’t let go of Brendon but he doesn’t tighten his grip either.

Brendon wiggles under him, trying to escape. Ryan grinds down onto Brendon in response.

*~

They’re off tour and free to do whatever. Ryan takes off to LA, not telling anyone why, he didn’t even tell anyone he was going.

He’s at a dive bar and it’s nice. There’s no music pounding loudly in his ears. He doesn’t have to babysit anyone either.

He swirls his drink around as the stool next to him slides out. He doesn’t look up at first, more interested in swirling his drink around.

“Hey,” the guy says and finally Ryan looks up. The guy brushes his hair, blond hair, out of his eyes and smiles.

Ryan smiles back, confused, and says, “hi.”

“So, can I buy you a drink,” the guy asks. Ryan swirls his cup around and raises an eyebrow. “Oh, right. Well, your next one’s on me.”

Ryan smiles crookedly and downs his drink.

“Thanks,” he says as the guy motions to the bartender for another one.

*~

When Ryan wakes up his face is plastered against someone’s chest. All he can see is a smooth, seemingly endless chest. He closes his eyes again.

He wakes up a second time to the guy, the one he met at the bar, trying to sneakily get out of bed. He groans and rolls over into something sticky.

“What the fuck?” Ryan says. He skims his hand over it and it’s wet, warm, and sticky. Confused, he looks at his hand. “What the fuck? Is this cheese whiz?”

The guy just laughs.

“What happened last night?” Ryan asks, wiping the cheese whiz off on the sheets. He stands, or tries to anyways, but his legs tangle in the sheets and he falls.

“This is the worst one night stand ever. I am so sorry,” Ryan says. He contemplates standing up, but really he’d just rather lie on the floor in embarrassment.

The guy lets out a breathy laugh and says, “Oh, I was kinda hoping this would be more than a one night stand.”

At this Ryan stands. “Yeah,” he asks. The guy nods.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I wouldn’t mind. But, um, what’s your name again?” Ryan asks. The guy raises an eyebrow to which Ryan shrugs at.

“It’s Dan.”

“Well, Dan, maybe we can figure something out.”

“I’d like that,” Dan says. “Now, we should probably shower. You have some cheese whiz in your hair.”

*~

Ryan’s phone rings. Again. For the fifth time in a row.

“You know, usually when someone calls five times, it’s pretty important.”

Ryan answers the phone.

“Thank god you picked up. I thought you were dead,” Spencer says. His voice is choppy like he’s standing outside in the wind.

“No, I’m in LA.”

“What why?” Spencer asks. “Sorting through your shit?”

“Yeah,” Ryan says, eyes traveling up Dan’s body. “Something like that.”

“Well, when are you going to be back? We need to start on the album.”

“Shit, I forgot. I’ll be back soon. And look, Spencer, I’m kinda in the middle of something right now. I’ll call you later.”

“Okay,” Spencer pauses. “Bye, Ryan. Be careful,” he says, his words coming in clear, Ryan assumes he went back inside.

*~

Ryan’s grip on the pen loosens, letting it fall to the table. The words are trapped in him, swirling around but refusing to come out. Not like this. Not with these melodies.

“This isn’t working,” he says, shoving the paper and pen away from him.

“What? Do you have writers block?” Brendon asks.

Ryan shakes his head and says, “No, this. The band. It’s not, it’s not working anymore.”

“What? Ryan!”

“We want different things. Musically. My words can’t fit with your music. I don’t want them to fit with your music.”

Ryan is standing, facing Brendon, his hands flying as he talks. Brendon stands too, confused about where all of this is coming from. Why it’s coming now.

“What? Ryan, where is all of this coming from?” Brendon’s getting hysterical now. He can’t even begin to imagine where Ryan is pulling all of this from. He doesn’t want to begin to imagine it.

“I’ve been feeling like this for a while. I wasn’t ready before. To say how I felt about our music, I mean. But, I am ready now,” Ryan says. Brendon steps closer, trying to better understand.

“Ryan don’t be ridiculous! We can fix the music - we can - we can try. Ryan.”

“No, I don’t want to try any-” Brendon cuts Ryan off with a kiss.

*~

When Brendon wakes up, Ryan is gone. There’s no note left, nothing. He’s even taken all of his extra clothes from his house.

Brendon calls Spencer.

*~

“Hey, Dan? It’s me, Ryan. I was just wondering if I could crash at your place for a couple of days?” Ryan says into the phone. Subconsciously, he holds his breath even though there isn’t a doubt in his mind that Dan will say no.

“Yeah. Yes. Come over,” Dan says, and Ryan does.