Logan, Logan, You Make Me Gay

After a good sleep, I found myself lying on the bed and feeling a lil bit worry. I usually get this drama feeling when I talk with straight guys or simple when I mess up everything, because that’s the way that I am. I’m so fragile and impulsive, Ugh! I breathe remembering that I had to answer the email from Ethan which indeed was my fault for being excited over the lodging thing. (will he be hot? What if he is gay too?) I snap myself from my over thinking mind and take a look at my phone. It was off so I turn it on. Then suddenly all my drama was gone. I started laughing, after all looks like he has a sense of humor.

Hi: Logan

I’m not the type of writing to much but DUDE!!! You write like a girl. I hope we
can get along during the whole year also that paint better not be pink. Because I
be so pissed at you…. Mates from now and on?

Not the type to sing either, Dude.

Wait what? Weirdo. Wait. I’m a weirdo too, Mates from now and on? Sounds friendly, I think. I don’t know why but I have this feeling that this is going to be a weird situation when I officially move to the lodging and everything. I’m so afraid of not being able to be myself at just to not make him feel uncomfortable or even invade. Because guys think just because you’re gay or bi you like every guy in the world. I remember when I came out to my friends at school I have back then straight guys as friends, they were really supportive but dear God their question were not so normal. One of them asks me, how do I get a boner, just looking at guys? I was like what? No. Sometimes I just couldn’t handle it and I laugh at them. I stop having a lot of guys as friend because I will always end having crushes on them or some weird sex-curious thing with them… Ugh! Why I have to over think about this? I care too much about other and I never let myself to be free. Everything is going to be ok, Logan. As long as you don’t paint the room pink is everything ok. I remember that I am supposed to answer Ethan’s email but I decided I will not.

Mom was on the sofa and she looks at me and started to cry. I was like o hell no mom… tomorrow I’ll be leaving and moving to my new home. She was so scared about letting me go. She only thinks that I will be killed or rape, I walk directly to her and took both of her hands and kiss them, mom has always being supportive, I feel like my chest is not enough to hold all the love I feel for her. The things she does to make me happy, comfortable and secure of who I am. Going to college is making me too much of a sentimental son, I’ve being so emotional with mom this days and it’s not because I have be thankfully that she let me stay at the university and live there it just more than that. I couldn’t live without this woman, even though I do not show that much of affection for her. But that’s just the way I am.

Mom cleans her cheeks all wet by her emotional crying and said; Logan don’t you ever forget how much I love you remember that I will always be there for you my lovely diva (both laugh) I love when you show me affection and let me know that I am the best mom you could ever had. But I hate that you are so quite with your feelings or you thoughts… Since that horrible incident you have never came back as the same baby boy of mommy. (she cries even more) I hug her I make her stand up and look at my face. Mom; you have to let it go, it wasn’t your fault we see faces but with do not see past them and I know I have never will be that happy and loving boy I used to be since… I skip that because I don’t want to talk about it just the thought of going back make me nauseous and hurt, mom I’ve will always be your baby boy even when I hate that you treat me like one. I love to know I will always be your baby. I kiss her on the forehead and leave the family room.

The whole day was fine. I clean my room, set everything, prepare the alarm and extra details. Because tomorrow I want it to me perfect. I have dinner with the family and I barely talk. I’m feeling kind of sappy. It has being ages since I think about that horrible incident. I took a hot shower to relax myself and let my thoughts runs, this is the only place where I feel secure enough to think about everything. Then everything came back to me as a flash, my head was hurting, my heart beating so fast, I’m shaking and I hold my hands like I’m about to punch someone just to hold on my emotional for a moment. Yeah this is what my mom was talking about. That fucking incident, mom was recently out of the hospital because she give birth to my little brother, I was in my room and my stepfather came into the room, he has always look at me in a different way, back then I didn’t see what way, for me he was this lovely daddy who always love to play with my hair and hug me until that day. If I look like a girl at this point of my life imagine when I as more little, my testosterone wasn’t develop yet so I didn’t have those few things that makes you look like an all grown up teenage boy. I closed my eyes trying to get rid of that moment but it was in vain, everything was coming back… Once my stepdad enter to the room he lock the door and smile at me. I was a little bit confused and I ask him why he locked the door, he said I’ll have to do a favor for daddy because mom couldn’t do it. Started to touch my neck and place his fingers all over my back and smelling my hair, I was in shock at that moment I realize what he was going to do or at least have in mind. I couldn’t move or speak I just looked at his eyes all cover with lust and bad intentions. Kissing all my neck and touching my butt saying; “Why it took me so damn long for this moment, I’ll make you my girl from now on” I knew back then I like boys and that I was gay. But this isn’t what I have plan to be like I didn’t want to be used, abuse or treat like a cunt, his cunt. I started screaming so bad, I was hitting him, my panic attack was something incredible he try to calm me down, he even put his hand on my mouth to shut me down. But I was like a little Tasmania running in my room and throwing things at him, he got so scared and nervous that he leave the room and right when he opened the door my mom was there crying and in shock, she slap him and he just stud there without a world. My mom started to scream at him and he only said: sorry I wasn’t thinking, sorry, sorry…
Reality hit me, I was in the bath tub and I started to scream. Just like that day, the water was already cold; mom came rushing into the bathroom, knowing exactly what to do. I suddenly found myself sleeping in bed I avoid to think about what happened, deep down I knew. But I promise myself that tomorrow was going to be a good day. I press my head hard as I could on my pillow until I fall asleep.