Fallen Embers

"True Love burns the brightest. But the brightest flames leave the deepest scars."-Anonymous

The men that made up the Sabrina Sanders band along with the techs walked into their home away from home at 880 Studios one day at the end of May. Someone was already in the studio waiting for them. Seated at the piano was a woman who was unrecognizable to them playing some nameless tune. They stopped and wondered who had invaded their space until she then turned around.

The woman who was at the piano was now a mere shadow of her former self. She looked like a wreck as the last five weeks had not be kind to her. She had lost over 25 pounds and with her 5' 7" frame, she was now skeletal. The sweatshirt and jeans she wore hung loosely on her gaunt frame and threatened to overwhelm her with its fabric. Her skin was no longer the of rosy peach color of life, but rather had the grey tinged look of death. Her once vibrant hair was now limp and thin and hung lifelessly down her back. When she turned around to face the men, they gasped at her. Her eyes which were once bright and sparkled with life were now dull and dead. The woman sitting before them is visibly broken.

They stood there looking at each other until finally Sabrina broke the silence. "I'm ready to record." she said quietly. "I want to record 'live' so if you guys would get everything ready to do that." She turned back around and continued to play the nameless tune on the piano.

She watched out of the corner of her eye as the techs pulled out some plexi glass partitions to surround the drums. She saw Eddie go around to each instrument and reroute the cords from out of the amps and into a box that sat near each musicians' space. He brought out the headphones for each person and with one last look at the woman at the piano, he went into his control booth. After working on his computer for a moment he announced he was ready.

Sabrina rose from the piano bench with a groan and folded her arms around herself as she walked over to the vocal booth and entered it's small confined space. She placed the headphones on her ears and listened as Eddie checked the volumes of everyone, adjusting the monitor levels for everyone's specific desire. When everyone was satisfied, the band struck up the song they played as a sound check. Sabrina only half heartedly sang the words as she didn't want to push her voice. One more time Eddie went over levels and soon he was ready to record.

Sabrina looked toward Danny and motioned him to start the first song, 'Live to Tell'. As the keyboards sounded in her ear, she closed her eyes and began to lose herself in the music. As she sang the song about losing her son, she poured her heart and soul into the words. Her thoughts though went to Tre and the song morphed into a different creature. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears when the song ended. She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve and looked toward Emmett to count off the song that she wrote with all three Green Day guys. 'Rock N Roll' was a punky type song that reminded her of the fun times the four friends shared.

Gary started the reverb of the next song and Danny had switched off keys to acoustic guitar and they went into 'Dressed to Kill'. It was from lyrics she wrote when she was young and fresh off meeting Nikki Sixx for the first time. These were from before she was in music, and were written had been tucked away in a photo album.

She closed her eyes at the memory when the lyrics were found. They were all at the farm before New Years and the kids were going through her photo albums. When Ramona pulled out this one album a few papers fell out and fluttered to the ground. The young girl bent over and picked them up and started to read what was written.

Sell your soul to rock and roll, the only thing that thrills you. Evil grins as night begins, gonna rock until it kills you. Learn to live fast, learn to die young. Life's one big chase, you're caught in the race. You're never gonna slow down.

Sabrina thought about how embarrassed she was at those childish lyrics. She went to take the paper, but Billie Joe got to it first. He face screwed up in concentration as he read through the rest of the lyric. He smiled when he finished reading. "It's pretty good." he said.

"Ugh, it sucks. Jesus I was like 20 when I wrote that. Before I knew how to write music."

"What's it about? Or rather who is it about." he asked looking the blonde woman.

"I had just met Nikki Sixx and that was before Motley Crue was really Motley and he was still just Frank." Sabrina stole a look at her husband and wondered how it was that two of the men in her life were both named Frank but now when by another name. Looking back at Billie she continued.

"He was hooked on drugs even back than. I really liked him even though he was such a slut back then. He was really bad." she said with a snort. "We were really nothing more than friends with benefits, but that didn't stop me for falling for him. I returned to my world and he was still stuck in his seedy one. I came home and sat down and wrote this lyric. I had a feeling even back than that drugs would be his downfall."

Sabrina blinked back the memory and brought herself back into the present time. The guys were waiting on her to begin the next song. She nodded to Gary who started the acoustic beginning of 'Lisa'. Sabrina clutched her rings that had returned to the necklace around her neck as she sang the words about her mother. She put every bit of the raw emotion she had been feeling the last few months in the song.

She looked back at Emmett who counted off the next song. 'What Do You Know About Love.' which was one of the older songs they decided to remake. It was originally about Nikki and written after one of their many breakups. She spilled all the venom she could into the words, tossing the hate and hurt into mix.

Gary started the acoustic guitar for the next song, which Sabrina actually had ideas about being the first single. It was a slow song that talked about an abusive relationship she was once in. As she sang the words, she felt the emotions that accompanied them. The hurt and fear that came when the man had beaten Sabrina to an inch of her life one night. The music swelled in a crescendo and it felt like you were there watching the horrific scene in person.

The pace changed when the next song began. Another song that was about Nikki, but now seemed to be about Tre. She sang the lyrics I'm still waitin, still waitin for you. Still waitin, still waitin for you and poured her heart into them. She was still waiting for Tre, and she realized that she would be waiting for Tre for a long time. The song ended with Gary's guitar solo and a clash of drums.

The next song was another old one. 'Fatal Passion' talked about a young woman who got burned by a man who played her for a fool. Though it wasn't written about anyone in particular, it still had threads of truth in it of Sabrina's life. She sang about her anger in looking back at the man and how he played her. It was a strong song and Sabrina sang it as such.

The last day Sabrina was in town she changed the album around and removed two songs and added two cover songs. The first one was 'Wild Horses' by the Rolling Stones. It was one of the guys' favorite to play during sound checks. She threw her heart and soul and feelings into the words. She felt each word and believed them totally. Wild horses could never drag her away from him. Even though they were parted, she still wanted him with each breathe she took. It showed in her voice as she sang.

'Dedication' was a song that she wrote about Tre. She wanted something the showed the world how she felt about him. Singing the song now was bittersweet even though she still agreed with the lyrics. Heart and soul, I love you so much. Body and soul I want you too. Heart and soul I love you too much, and this I dedicate to you.. Her love for Tre shined through the words as she sang.

She decided on this next cover song, since she knew that it would also be a truth and a window into how she would feel later on down the road. 'I Fall to Pieces' by Pasty Cline talked about a woman who was trying to move on and couldn't because every time she saw the man she loved, she fell apart. No truer words could be said. Sabrina knew that she was going to be like that, and she dread the day that she were to see him with someone else. Since she would then be expected to do the move on, and she knew she would never be able to do so.

The final song on the album was the one she wrote to Tre. It was all she couldn't say to him in person. It was her raw feelings and desires and needs. She sang the song and tears fell from her eyes much like the day when she wrote it. The song was everything to her, it was her feeling and love and she poured everything she had into it. The last lyric rang out Don't tell me to go and Sabrina fell to her knees as the physical pain of him leaving hit her.

She waved away the men who ran over to help her and slowly she got to her feet and pulled off the headphones. She wrapped her arms around herself as if she was trying to make herself as small as possible, and went over to Eddie's 'office' where he started talking about mixing the album.

"No, it's done." she said to him

"What do you mean, it's done?" he asked.

"Rebirth is raw, it's new, it has flaws. If we mix this at all, it will lose those things and it will not sound right. The album is done." she replied simply. "Will you burn me a copy on a cd please."

Eddie looked at Sabrina and knew that her mind was made up and there was to be no mixing done. He wordlessly did as he was asked and burned a copy for Sabrina. He handed her the disk and she held it to her chest. "We're done here. Thank you everyone for sticking through this with me. Pack up and go home to your families." she said quietly and upon saying that she left the studio for good.

She walked down the hall towards Green Day's space. As she neared the door, she got nervous. She stopped and placed her head on the door to the studio and took a couple of deep breaths. With one final inhale, she opened the door and invaded their space. The band was rehearsing some new song and one by one they musicians stopped as they noticed the woman walking toward them.

As soon as Tre saw her, he stopped playing and slid his sunglasses over his eyes. He saw her condition and knew it was because of him that she was that way. But what did she expect, she told him to leave so he did even though it broke his heart, he did as she wanted. He hung his head as she passed him.

Mike was furious at Tre when he saw how she looked. He wanted to walk over there and pound the smaller man's face into the dirt. He closed his eyes and forced himself to not think like that. He watched Sabrina walk by him and he could see that she was not well. He sighed and wondered what he could do.

Sabrina ignored all the men in the room but one. She walked toward Billie and pushed the disk into his hands. When he looked at her questioningly, she simply replied, "It's my rebirth." and turned and walked away. Before she got to the door Billie caught up with her. He placed his hand on her shoulder and had a sharp intake of breath when he felt nothing but skin and bones. He turned her around to face him.

"Will you at least stay while we listen to it?"

She nodded and looked around the room. Against a wall sat 2 road cases. She walked over and jumped up on the smaller case and maneuvered herself with her back to the wall and her side next to the larger case. She drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Her eyes closed as she rested her head upon her knees.

Billie turned back and handed the cd to Rob who quickly inserted it into the computer and soon the opening keyboards of the first song rang through the studio space. The men heard the raw emotion filled songs fill the room and realize that this was Sabrina stripped down to her deepest emotions. They heard the pain, the loneliness, the longing for a man that she no longer could have.

The final song began and Mike noticed Sabrina had started to shake. The sound of a dobro filled the air as they heard Sabrina's heart breaking as she sang the lyrics of the song she wrote the last day she was in town, the day the she was served divorce papers. Toby told him and Billie about that when they asked why she had left so suddenly.

As the song played through he understood what Sabrina had done with this song. She was talking to Tre and telling him everything she felt. He stole look over to the drummer and saw that he was fiddling with a drumstick in his hands, as the song played through.

Don't!
Don't... don't you wish we tried?
Do you feel what I feel inside?
You know our love is stronger than pride... oh
No don't... don't let your anger grow
Just tell me what you need me to know
Please talk to me, don't close the door

Hmmm, 'cause I wanna hear you
I wanna be near you

Don't fight, don't argue
Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry
Just let me love you
Don't turn me away
Don't tell me to go

Don't!... Don't give up on trust
Don't give up on me, on us
If we could just hold on long enough

Hmmm, we can do it
we'll get through it

Don't fight, don't argue
Just give me the chance to say that I'm sorry
Just let me love you
Don't turn me away, don't tell me to go

Don't pretend that it's okay
Things won't get better that way
Don't do something you might regret someday...
Don't!

Don't give up on me
Hmm, Don't!
(We can do it) We'll get through it

Don't fight, don't argue
Just give me the chance to say that I'm sorry
Just let me love you
Don't turn me away, don't tell me to go

Don't! (Don't fight don't argue)
Don't give up on me
(Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry)
Say that I'm sorry
(Just let me love you)
Don't give up on me
(Don't turn me away)
Don't tell me to go

Don't!
(Don't fight don't argue)
Don't give up on me
(Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry)
Say that I'm sorry
(Just let me love you)
Don't give up on me
(Don't turn me away)
Don't tell me to go...

The song ended and Sabrina jumped down and started for the door. The Shakespear quote, 'If music be the food of love then play on' came to Mike's mind as he thought about the last song played. Mike called out to her, "Are you okay."

She stopped and without turning around said. "No, I don't think I'll ever be okay again." and left the studio.

Mike turned to see if Tre had any feeling or anything to say for himself. The smaller man continued to fiddle with the drum stick, but stayed in his seat not moving. Mike shook his head with disgust, and took off his bass and walked out the door to find Sabrina. As Mike left the studio, the tears finally escaped and fell down Tre's checks.