Congratulations

I bite my lip as I watched them dance. I can’t believe I didn’t do anything sooner. My heart is chasing itself in circles. I can feel it wanting to fall to my feet and shatter into tiny pieces but at the same time it wants to soar because her smile goes so deep that it reaches into the hearts of everyone she looks at and brings a smile to their faces. She’s beautiful in her knee-length cream dress. She’s timeless. I just…I should have acted sooner. Now, I’m left on the sidelines, watching her be ridiculously happy. I have to watch her move forward while I’m stuck in this gross loop of self-loathing for failing to be brave and go after what I want.

What feels like hours later, I find her seated at the head table, sipping her water.

“Hey,” I rub the back of my neck. “Do you think he’d punch me if I stole his seat for a few minutes?” She looks up at me, a grin overtaking her beautiful face. Her dark brown eyes light up as she stands to hug me.

“Niall! I didn’t see you earlier. I was so afraid you weren’t going to make it.” She pulls me into the seat next to her as she sits back down.

“You know I wouldn’t miss your big day. Cheers, yeah.”

She laughs nervously, “Well, we haven’t really spoken in a while, not like we used to. I didn’t want to assume, ya know?” A slight New York accent peeks through as she speaks and my heart drops in my chest.

“You’ve got to know you’re important to me, Izzie.” She nods and I turn to watch the people on the dance floor. I don’t know that I can go on like this. I have to tell her, even if it will bring down the mood of the day a little. It’s not like I’ll be around much anyway. We can move on from it after I say what I need to say. “Um…would you mind taking a walk with me? I just…gotta say some stuff that I’d rather stay between us for now.” I look back at her, swallowing hard.

She frowns slightly but nods nonetheless. “Sure, Ni. We can go back out to the garden.” She stands, pulling on her shoes in the process. I follow her outside, trying to get my words in order. My thoughts are all in a jumble and I don’t know that I’ll be able to form a coherent sentence. Maybe this is why I never said anything. The thought of telling someone who was my best friend for years something I’ve kept too myself for so long makes me want to piss myself. Not even the lads in the band know about this. Though I’m sure one or two of them have guessed. I glance at her as she walks along the path in the garden where hours before I watched her join herself to the man of her dreams.

“I…I don’t know how to start or how to say what I need to say. I’m graspin’ at the words in me mind but they’re escapin’ as soon as I got a hold of ‘em.”

“Just take your time, Niall.” She says softly.

I nod once, pressing my lips together. We walk in silence for a few minutes before she stops by a rose bush and sniffs the flowers. The late afternoon sun highlights the natural red streaks in her hair. I clear my throat, looking away from her. I can’t say it if I’m looking at her. I’ll get stupid and lose my train of thought of I have to look into those deep brown eyes.

“Izzie, this is a present you didn’t ask for and I probably shouldn’t give you. I’ve tried to give it to you before, but I’ve never had the courage. Heck, I don’t have the courage now, but I can’t…I can’t onto it anymore.” I give her a quick once over. Her arms are folded over her chest as she looks at me. It’s her “I’m listening pose.” When she wants to hear someone out but doesn’t necessarily think she’s going to like what she’s about to hear. I found that out two months into our friendship when I had to tell her about the first tour. She was happy for me of course, but it meant our already rocky friendship was going to take a serious hit. But we knew from the outset that it would be hard. She’s older than me by a few years and was working toward being a music producer when we met. I was working on my dream of being a singer. But we were intentional about our friendship from the start so we made it work. Until she met him. Then things started to slow down.

I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. “I know we, uh, haven’t been talkin’ much here lately but I think that should cut back more.”

She frowns, “Niall—”

“No. Let me finish, Iz.” I take a moment to rearrange my thoughts. “I uh…I’ve been in love with you since I was 18. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say it since I realized. At first I told myself it would pass, yeah? Cause you’re older and treat me like a kid brother. But it didn’t. So I thought I’d take a chance. But I never could, because you’re that girl, ya’ know? The one that is perfect for me but I’m not perfect for.” I kick at the ground trying to figure out what to do next. “You’ve had my heart for a while now. Even though you never asked for it. But takin’ it back ain’t an option right now so I had to let you know.”

She starts to reach toward me but stops herself. “Niall….I…I don’t know what to say.”

I shrug, “Nothin’ for ya to say. I just had to tell ya why I can’t be ‘round ya as much now. You’re married, Iz. You’re happy. And as much as it hurts, I’m happy for ya cause you’re my best friend. But I can’t watch this and act like it ain’t killin’ me. Not yet anyway.”

“I get it Ni. I do. I could wish so many things for us right now, but none of it matters.” She sniffles softly and I have to stop myself from hugging her. “But call me alright? When you’re ready. Even if it’s years from now.”

“I will, Iz.”

She pats under her eyes lightly, “I should get back.”

I smile weakly, “Yeah. You should. I’m gonna head out. Bye Iz.”

Her eyes water, “By Niall.”

I look at her for a minute before turning and walking away. My heart isn’t running circles in my chest anymore. It’s lying broken at Izzie’s feet. The spot where my heart should be is completely numb. As I leave the reception, I dig my keys out of my pocket. Once I’m in my car, I turn off the radio. I need the silence right now to grieve. Any and every song that comes through the speakers will remind me of what I’m leaving behind. Izzie and I used to text each other song lyrics that reminded us of each other or made us laugh. After the band got big, she sent me a lot of our lyrics.

I drive without a destination in mind. Once I’m out of the city, I roll down the windows, breathing deeply. I’m fighting the need to cry when I want to pull over and break. The last four years of my life are infused with Izzie and I don’t know how to handle the fact that she won’t be just as involved in the upcoming years. She’s part of me and watching her get married today felt like someone was carving her out of my body with a jagged spoon. The image of her in that wedding dress is going to haunt me for years. She was radiant and her brilliant smile was for someone else. The love and adoration in her eyes was aimed at another man.

As I drive, I take the time to remember how we met and worked on our friendship. While I can feel tears on my cheeks, I can’t stop myself from smiling at the wonderful memories I have with Izzie. But the one memory that brings me back to reality is of the day she told me she was engaged. I had hope of them breaking up until that very moment. The day she told me she had a boyfriend was the first time I worked up the courage to ask her on a date. I decided to wait until the relationship fizzled before I said anything because she isn’t the kind of girl you put in that situation. I respect her too much to have ever risked her happiness by asking her to leave someone she so clearly cares about. So I waited. And then she told me he proposed and I knew I waited too long. I couldn’t step back as much as I wanted to before today because she called me few days, asking for advice on wedding related things. I helped the woman I’m in love with plan her wedding to another man simply because she’s my best friend.

Sighing, I turned on my phone to figure out where I am. I’ve been driving for three hours and nothing looks overly familiar. I have an interview in the morning and I need to get home and sleep. I turn around in the middle of the deserted road, and head home. I realize I’m driving back to a place that has Izzie’s fingerprint on it as she decorated the place for me while I was on my second tour. I consider getting a hotel room for the week, but decide to deal with it. I’d have to die to get away from things that remind me of Izzie.