What If...

Matt walked into his bedroom, heaving the bag off of his shoulder with a slight grunt. He rubbed an eye and yawned, expecting Zacky to be right there waiting. But Zacky wasn't there. Matt shrugged, thinking Zacky went out to the bar with Johnny after the long day of traveling. He hopped onto the bed with a sigh, twiddling his thumbs before picking up a journal that Zacky had left lying on the night stand. Being the curious man that he is, Matt started to flip through it, chewing at his lip. The first entry was dated on Zack's nineteenth birthday.

"I really hate this. I can't get any peace, my mind is all over the place, and everything is falling apart. The only thing good in my life is Matt. He's my saving grace. My everything. I love him with all that I am. It's a shame he won't ever know. He'd never feel the same. I know that for sure. He's just him, and I'm a fucking joke to mankind. I just hope he knows what he's worth."

Matt smiled a bit at what Zacky said about him, going back over the entry and frowning at the beginning.
"I'm so sorry, darling," Matt whispered. Matt flipped to another journal entry, this one dating to the day their second album was released.

"We just released our second album and I'm so stoked! We're finally really starting our careers and I couldn't ask for anybody better to live out my dream with. It's truly amazing and I wouldn't give it up for the world. The only thing that could make this all better is if Matt and I could be together. That would be spectacular. But as long as he's happy, I'm happy."

Matt grinned softly, blushing because Zacky wrote so much about how he was in love with him. Continuing to chew on his lip, Matt curiously looked through Zacky's journal, stopping on one with yesterday's date, two and a half years after they started dating.

"I don't want to do this anymore. This life is just too much for me to handle. So much stress, sadness, anger and hurt. It's too much for me. I'm really done at this point. I'm so fucking done. I love Matt till the end of time but I honestly think he'll be better off without me. He deserves so much better than me. Everyone deserves better than me. I just wanna take my life right here, right now. It would be better off that way. Everything would be better without me.."

Matt was crying softly, not knowing his boyfriend whom he cared for deeply had ever felt this way. Matt looked through to see if there's was anything else, which there was not. He closed the book and hugged it close, kissing it like he was kissing the top of Zacky's head. Feeling determined to make Zacky happy again, Matt picked up the phone and gave him a call. He waited a minute then hung up, putting the phone on the nightstand. No answer. Matt decided to pick the phone up again and try calling Zacky again. Again, no answer. Shrugging and sighing softly, Matt turned on the TV, starting to channel surf. There was a headline that made Matt's heart freeze and drop to his stomach. "AVENGED SEVENFOLD RHYTHM GUITARIST ZACKY VENGEANCE DEAD"
Matt shook his head, refusing to believe it.
"No, no, no! You mother fucker tell me it's a hoax!" Matt exclaimed desperately, frantically grabbing for his phone and calling Zacky yet again. "Come on! Pick up the phone, damn it!" Matt called over and over again, hoping weakly that Zacky would answer and tell him that he was alright, that it's just a scam. Call after call, Matt's hope finally faded. He knew Zacky wasn't going to pick up. He knew he wasn't ever going to see him again. And Matt already knew how his life had ended.
Matt's larger frame began to shudder with grief, knowing that the man he loved with every fiber of his being had taken his own life. He began choking on his sobs, remembering every little thing that he and Zacky had ever been through, letting the memories run through his head. Matt began to scream, throwing his phone across the room, not even flinching at the phone breaking against the wall. He dropped to his knees, sobbing and pounding on the floor. "Why? Why him? Why God? HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?" he shouted, his face pressed against the floor. He scratched at the floor and sobbed loudly, shaking violently. He let memories just flow through his mind, sobbing as he felt his heart shatter and knew it could never be put back together.

***FLASHBACK***
"Babe, stop it! Put me down!" Zacky whined as Matt continued to walk through the house with Zacky over his shoulder. Matt laughed, his dimples ever so prominent and shook his head playfully.

"No can do, gorgeous," Matt replied teasingly, swaying side to side to make Zacky swing around. Zacky squealed as Matt pinched his butt, blushing a bit.

"Baaaabbbbbeee!" Zacky whined again, pounding on Matt's back playfully.

"Oh, fine!" Matt said, reluctantly setting Zacky on the ground, wrapping him in a hug soon after. Zacky giggled and hugged back, gnawing on Matt's shoulder. Matt chuckled and licked Zacky's neck, running away with a huge grin on his face. Zacky ran after him, laughing a bit.

"Get back here, Sanders!" he shouted. Matt just guffawed and kept running away, tripping over his own feet as Zacky snickered at him. Matt pouted and sat up, crossing his arms. Zacky went over and gave Matt a big kiss on the cheek.

"Better?" Zacky asked.

"Better," Matt replied with a wide smile, his dimples as prominent as ever. Zacky rolled his eyes, a small smile painted across his face. Matt gave Zacky a huge, wet kiss on the cheek, giggling a bit, his hazel eyes glistening with joy. Zacky wiped his cheek, making a face.

"Ew." Matt snickered and pulled Zacky down onto the ground, cuddling with him before dozing off.

***END OF FLASHBACK***

Matt was sobbing even harder, lashing out at a lamp which shattered beneath his strong fist. Matt cried out, a shard of the broken lamp sinking into his skin.
"Shit!" he screamed. He didn't take much time to pay attention to his newly injured hand as he threw a book at the wall, hearing it slam loudly.

**FLASHBACK**

"Matt, baby wake up." The sound of Zacky's voice cut into Matt's sleep as Matt popped one eye open, to find a curious jade eye looking back at him. Matt fluttered the other eye open so he was now looking at two curious jade eyes, wide and joyful. Matt smiled softly at the beautifully pale skinned male, whom was intoxicatingly close to him.

"Well, hello there handsome," Matt yawned. Zacky poked his cheek.

"Come on, babe. I let you sleep in this long. Now you have to get up," Zacky nagged. Matt just laid there and grinned.

"Alright, alright. I'm up." Zacky flopped on top of the larger man, tracing Matt's tattoos as he was shirtless at the current moment. Matt gently ran his hand down Zacky's back, making Zacky shudder slightly.

"D-don't do that.."

"And why not?" Matt asked with a smirk, teasingly running his fingertips along Zacky's back, knowing exactly why Zacky told him not to. In the next moment, Zacky pulled Matt into a passionate kiss, cupping his cheek. Matt flipped them over and took the heat of that moment further, making love to Zacky slow and sweet. Matt rolled over and pulled Zacky close to him after they were finished, Zacky happily snuggling into his muscular arms. They started talking and Matt made a promise that he would love Zacky till his dying day. In other words, he promised Zacky they would get married, maybe adopt and raise a family. Whatever Zacky wanted, Matt would gladly give it to him.

***END OF FLASHBACK***

By this point, Matt was sobbing hysterically, continuing to shake violently and scream until his throat was on fire. His fit ended after a little while longer and he dragged himself up to the desk, pulling out a piece of paper and a pen, wanting to write something special for the funeral that he knew was to come. He had just started to write when he fell asleep, tear stains on his cheek. Johnny eventually walked into the room after about an hour or so and carefully stepped over the tipped furniture and broken statues. He walked over to Matt, already knowing that Matt had hear the news. He picked up the piece of paper, tears already filling his eyes though the paper only simply said, "Zachary, my love.."