The Lunacy Fringe

I bumped into Felix on the way into Economics. We both paused and stood there for a moment in silent horror. Or at least that's how I felt. He just looked like he was trying to find something to say and was coming up empty.

"Sorry," he finally muttered. And I hated how my heart jumped just because he was actually speaking to me.

"I'm sure," I said. I pushed past him and took my seat at the front of the class. I focused on readying my notes and scribbling down assignments instead of how he smelled and how his hair looked and the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me and how my stupid heart was still pounding.

"Hey," Jake said, taking the seat beside mine. I looked up from my notebook, grateful for the distraction.

"Hey," I said. The room was still quiet since most people weren't there yet. So when I looked around to see who might be listening, there weren't many people besides Felix sitting at the back with his journal. Looking brooding and lovely enough to sigh over.

"So, um—I kind of had a question to ask you." Felix immediately stopped scribbling but didn't move. I turned back to Jake.

"Sure, what is it?" I was expecting him to ask another question about homework or something along that line. We didn't talk much in class, aside from the occasional whispered joke that I would smile at before going back to work. He looked around the room, also checking to see if anyone was listening. I didn't look at Felix. I didn't want to see what he was thinking.

"Do you like—have a boyfriend or anything?" I dropped my pencil, and I was pretty sure that the thud from the back of the room was Felix's notebook.

"Um," I started before clearing my throat. "No."

"So—I'm asking because I thought maybe we could hang out after school sometime. Like this weekend, maybe. I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. I know we didn't really know each other well when I asked you out last time. So I was kind of hoping we could hang out more and get to know each other."

"Oh—um—I don't really know. I mean—I just…."

"You can say no if you want to. It doesn't have to be a date or anything. But I mean—if you wanted—we could make it a date. It's up to you. I won't be upset."

"Well…," I started.

"Tomorrow, maybe? I work at the beach most weekends. Tomorrow is probably best. We can just hang out and see how it goes. I promise it'll be fun."

"I…." I couldn't come up with an excuse. Felix made it clear that he didn't want me, and it's not like I had any other reason to say no. Other than the fact that I wasn't over him. But I didn't want anyone to know that. So I worked up some courage and nodded. He immediately lit up. "Sure, why not?" I said.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah—it'll be fun."

There was another thud from the back of the room. This one was much louder than the last as if a chair had been knocked over. We both turned to look, but Felix had already left the classroom. There was no way he hadn't overheard. And there was a sick, guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. But I had to train myself not to care. He didn't get to be hurt or upset by a choice he forced me to make. All he really had to do was apologize.

I hated how badly I'd be willing to give in if he just put in the effort. I might still be angry. I might not trust him. But if he at least tried—I'd probably give in.

But it was for the best. Jake turned back to me and smiled.

"Guess he really had to go," he said with a laugh. I smiled back nervously. He knew as well as I did that Felix wasn't storming out to use the bathroom. And there was no way he didn't know Felix and I went to prom together the year before. And how we suddenly weren't talking.

"Guess so," I said anyway.

Felix never came back to class. In fact, I didn't see him at all for the rest of the day. Quinn looked confused about his absence at lunch, but he didn't ask questions. After school, he drove me home. And I tried not to think about Felix at all. Even when I went out back to refill the dog's outside water dish.

"Are you really going out with that guy?" I heard from across the fence. I stood up to glare at him.

"So what if I am?" I crossed my arms.

"You know he's kind of a dick, right?"

"That's minor compared to everything I heard about you."

"Everything you heard about me was exaggerated."

"Apparently not. What the hell makes you think you have a right to tell me who I can go out with?"

 "I don't have that right," he said flatly. "I just didn't think you were the type to go out with guys like him."

"And you know me well enough to know what kind of guys I like to go out with?" I countered.

"Apparently not. You didn't strike me as the type to go out with idiot jocks. Guess I was wrong."

"No, you falsely assumed I was the kind of girl who went out with idiot musicians, right?" He sighed.

"Ruby…." I hated how he said my name. Like it belonged on his lips. Like he'd already said it a thousand times and had every intention of saying it a thousand more.

"No," I said to stop him before his stupid words could draw me back in. Before he could get in that apology I'd wanted and dreaded equally. "You know what? I think I like that idea. I think I like being the kind of girl who goes out with 'idiot jocks' instead of 'idiot musicians.' Because the latter broke my heart. So maybe change is just what I need."

"I really broke your heart?" I stopped, fuming at my own stupid slip-up.

"No," I retorted, obviously lying through my teeth. "Just that—I'm allowed to have fun, and I'm sure as hell not going to have any fun with you. So stay out of my life."

I tossed the hose back down on the dirt and stormed back into the house. Then I went right to my room and tried to think of something to take my mind off of Felix and my stupid big mouth. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to go back over to his house and kick him in the shin. I wanted to kiss him.

Of course, I didn't want to go out with Jake. He was friendly, and he was cute. But I knew I'd never fall in love with him. I was just hoping he'd help me get over Felix. That's all I really wanted anyway. Just to stop thinking about him. To not hurt every time he glanced at me, or we bumped into each other, or spotted each other in the yard. I wanted my heart to stop dancing every time he was near. I wanted to stop dreaming about him.

Billie called before I could find a way to channel my anger.

"Is it true you're going out with Jake Froud?" she asked when I answered.

"What? Who told you that?" I replied.

"Quinn heard it from Felix."

"Blabbermouths."

"So it's true?"

"Well—I don't know. I agreed to go out with him tomorrow, but he seemed undecided on whether or not it was a date or we were just hanging out."

"Why?"

"I don't want to be sad anymore."

"Did you know Felix was there?" she asked.

"Of course I did. I don't care. I hope it hurts."

"Do you really think you're ready for this? It sounds like you're not over him."

"No. But the offer was there, and I agreed because I'm tired of being sad."

"Do you like him?"

"He's nice."

"But you don't like him."

"Billie—I don't know."

"I see." She went quiet. "Just be careful with your heart, okay? You deserve to be happy, but I don't want you to get hurt again. I want to be supportive, but I have a bad feeling about this."

"Probably because you care about Felix."
               
"I care about you too."
               
"I'll be okay, I promise."
               
"I know. So what do you think you guys are gonna do?"
               
"I don't know yet."
               
"Well, I want to hear all about it, okay?"
               
"Of course."
               
When my dad got home, I was nervous about asking him. I figured it was just common courtesy to get his permission. But the truth was probably that I just wanted to settle any lingering anger over the time I ran off with Felix in the middle of the night. I found him rummaging through the fridge for something to make for dinner.
               
"Hey, Dad?" I said. He was kneeling to get a better look into our sad fridge.
               
"Hey, Kid," he replied, picking something up to examine it.
               
"Is it okay if I go out tomorrow?"
               
"Don't you go out every day?" He chuckled at his own bad joke.
               
"Hilarious. I meant, like, on a date." He turned to me and squinted like this was an absurd concept I'd never brought up before now.
               
"With who?"
               
"This guy named Jake from school. He's a football player."
               
"Are you sure you're ready for that?" I sighed. This was getting old. I was trying really hard not to make it obvious I was still hurt about Felix. Apparently, I was failing.
               
"Yes, Dad. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure." I was lying, and with the way he was squinting at me, he probably knew I was lying. But he shrugged and resumed his search for something to eat.
              
"Where's he taking you?" he asked.
               
"I don't know yet."
               
"I don't mind. Just be careful. Let me know where you're going. Let me meet him. Home by ten. You know the drill."
               
"Got it."