The Lunacy Fringe

We spent the first part of the night hanging out at the table in the backyard. Someone started music, and people began to dance. Whenever Billie got distracted, I would watch them. And my mind would wander back to the night Felix and I danced on the lawn at Aaron's house. It had felt so magical and special. And now I was outside alone, and he was inside with some girl named after sweets, probably making her feel just as special and magical as I did.

I hated him.

"Hey, I've been looking all over for you," I heard. Jake walked out onto the porch and headed our way. He kissed my cheek before sitting down.

"Oh, hey. I've just been out here with my Be Fri," I told him. He laughed. He was dressed perfectly normal, aside from his dad's fancy Chargers jersey.

"Hey, I'm going to go find Quinn," Billie said, getting to her feet. She'd obviously only been trying to keep me company. Either that, or she was afraid I'd spend the whole night making out with Jake again.

"Oh, okay. Have fun."

"See you guys later." She returned to the house, and I kept staring at the lawn. An awkward silence fell over us.

"Hey, so—do you want to dance or something?" Jake asked.

"Actually, um—I need to use the bathroom real quick. I'll be right back." He nodded, and I jumped up to follow after Billie. I didn't really have to go, and I just really didn't want to dance. I wanted Billie to stay with me so I didn't end up doing something stupid. Like, drag Jake into a dark corner to make out with him some more just because I felt so terrible about stupid Felix.

I couldn't see Quinn lurching over anyone, and I couldn't make out her red bow in the crowd. I decided to be honest and go to the bathroom anyway. At least for a breather. Then maybe she'd reappear by the time I was done.

But when I left the bathroom, it wasn't Billie who found me. But Felix. He was walking into the hall just as I was leaving the room. We both froze. And neither of us said anything. Obviously, we wouldn't be able to go where we needed to go without passing each other. Really close.

He didn't say anything. He just studied me for a moment. And maybe I was buzzed because all I did was stare back defiantly. I didn't push him out of my way or yell about everything that kept me up at night. But he must have read something from my expression. I bit my lip and his eyebrows furrowed in concern. He stepped forward, and then his hand reached for me. He held it against my cheek, and I let him. I took a deep breath and tried to find the will to push him away. It would be better if I did. He wasn't allowed to touch me anymore. I just couldn't find the words.

"Hey," he said softly. "Are you okay?" And everything that was wrong with this flooded my mind. I wasn't okay. I hadn't been for a while. I didn't know why I was so hung up on him. What was so special about this boy that I just couldn't let go of? Why was he any different from Jake or anyone else?

"No," I admitted. He took a deep breath as if he was about to say something.

And then she ruined everything.

"Felix, there you are," she said, appearing beside us. His hand shot away from me like he'd gotten too close to a burning oven. She didn't even seem to notice. Her arm had already snaked around his waist. "Oh," she said when she spotted me.

"Excuse me. I need to get through," I said, pushing my way between them. I knocked Felix into the wall, forced her to remove her arm from around him, and left to the satisfying sound of her whispered: "What the hell is her problem?" I plopped back down beside Jake and sighed heavily. My heart was pounding. I could barely breathe. This wasn't fair.

"So, are you ready for that dance now?" Jake asked. My chest felt heavy, and I wanted to cry. But I turned to him and smiled.

"I'm really not much of a dancer," I admitted.

"Oh, come on. One dance. A slow one, maybe?"

"Fine. If that's what you want."

I think he could tell that I wasn't in the mood. We couldn't seem to find anything to say while we waited for a slower song. But we'd never had much luck in that department. Our conversations were always so dull and routine. If we ever talked at all. Usually, we just got so bored with the talking that we'd make out in his car as I tried desperately to feel something for him. Anything.

But when a slower song started, he touched my hand, reminding me of my promise. So I relented and let him lead me out onto the grass. I set my hands on his shoulders, and he put his on my waist. It wasn't very close. Not very personal. As dull and routine as our conversations. Even as boring and passionless as our kisses.

Not like it was with Felix.

But I shoved that thought aside and tried to focus on the steps. So it at least looked like I was trying.

After the song finished, someone put a new record on. I stepped back, and Jake gave me a questioning look.

"One more?" he asked. I nodded slowly.

"Sure, why not?"

But then the song started, and I took another step back. It was the same song. Not very romantic in any real sense. But it was the first song Felix and I ever danced to. I remembered every word and how he'd looked when he said it was my song. "Set me free, why don't you, babe?" He'd meant it—every word.

"I'm sorry," I said when Jake reached for me, and I moved away again.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I just—I really hate this song. I'll just—I'll be right back. I want to see if they'll change it."

I hurried back into the house and into the living room. My chest still felt tight and heavy, and I figured it was just the alcohol making my emotions weak. I didn't want to cry, but God, I felt like I was going to. So, of course, as luck would have it, I ran directly into Felix and his girlfriend.

And then something broke.

I shoved him hard. "Leave!" I shouted. He knocked into his girlfriend and then grabbed her elbow to stop her from toppling over.

"Ruby, what the hell?" he said.

"Just go! Get out! I don't want you here!" I pushed him again, and then my lip began to tremble. My emotions and the alcohol were going to betray me. My eyes filled with tears, and I sucked in a breath that sounded like a whine. I was going to sob. And he knew it.

"Are you okay?" he asked, that stupid concern so evident on his face again.

"Just go!" His girlfriend sent me a glare over his shoulder. "And take her with you! You shouldn't even have brought her here! This is my mother's house, you fucking asshole." She stepped toward me like I'd offended her, but he gripped her elbow tighter. Then he just nodded and took a step back.

"Alright. Fine. We'll go. Happy birthday."

"Fuck off."

I wiped the tears from my cheeks and watched them leave. But once the door was closed and he was gone, it didn't make me feel any better. Actually—I just felt worse. So I ran up the stairs and locked myself in Jade's bedroom before anyone else could see me shatter.