The Lunacy Fringe

Billie found me a little while later. I had pulled the guest cot out of the closet in Jade's bedroom to lie down. I heard her knock on the door while I was sniffing back tears.

"Ruby, are you in there?" she asked.

"I'm fine," I replied.

"Are you okay? Can I come in?"

"Just leave me alone, please?"

The hall went quiet again. I could still hear the music and party downstairs, but thankfully it wasn't anything that brought up painful memories. I was wondering what happened to Jake. I'd have to apologize to him later.

Someone came back up the stairs a few minutes later. The doorknob rattled. She'd gotten Quinn.

"Thank you," I heard her whisper when the door opened. It closed, and then she came to sit on the cot beside me. "Are you okay?" she asked, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"No," I replied miserably.

"What happened?"

"Stupid Felix and his stupid girlfriend and the stupid song."

"What song? What happened?"

"Everything was fine. Jake and I were dancing. And someone put that stupid song on. I guess I just freaked out."

"Which song?"

"The first song we ever danced to. Me and Felix. That night he and Quinn got into a fight, and we walked all night, and he told me all those stupid, wonderful lies."

"Oh—I can see how that would upset you."

"I just took off and left Jake there all confused. And, of course, I had to run right into Felix and stupid Candy, and I just went off on them and told him to leave. And he saw me cry, and I pushed him."

"I know. He called to tell Quinn."

"What did he say?"

"He just wanted Quinn to know why he'd disappeared. And he asked him to check on you. That's how we realized you were missing." I sniffled.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin everyone's fun," I said.

"Don't be sorry. Everything will be fine. It's normal to feel this way." I shook my head.

"I don't know what to do. It's not supposed to hurt like this still. It wasn't even that long. I should be over it already, right? Is there something wrong with me? Am I just pathetic? Do I just care so much because he doesn't care at all?"

"I don't think that's what it is, and you're not pathetic. You gave someone your heart, and you put a lot of trust in him. He broke both your heart and your trust, and it'll take a while to heal from that. It doesn't matter how long it lasted. Just that it was meaningful to you." She laid down beside me on the small cot and wrapped an arm around me.

"You'll be okay. I know you will," she continued. "Felix is my friend. One of my best friends in the whole world, and I know he'd do anything for me. But you deserve better. If he can't give you what you deserve, then he doesn't deserve you. And he certainly isn't worth this much pain. But—that doesn't mean you don't have to feel it. You're allowed to be in pain. It's not gonna go away until you acknowledge it."

I didn't know what to say about that. Billie was really good at those sudden sage pearls of wisdom. She usually blamed her magazine addiction, but I think she was just perceptive and didn't want anyone to think too deeply about it.

We stayed that way for a while. I got the cot out because I hoped I could just fall asleep and everything would be fine in the morning. But I couldn't sleep. So eventually, I asked her to find Jake and let him know I was sorry. She had Quinn do it. Since he'd apparently been waiting outside in the hall.

I stayed in there all night, and in the morning, I decided to call Jake before we got started cleaning up. We'd been dating for two months, and I felt like a fraud. He didn't deserve it. I only ever showed him affection when I was trying to drown out the pain of someone else. There were plenty of girls who wanted to love him, plenty that he probably could love if he wasn't stuck trying to win me. I decided that I needed to let him go. I just didn't know how to explain myself. I couldn't tell him I was still hung up on Felix. I couldn't tell him that I didn't care about him.

"Hey," I said when he finally answered.

"Hey, how are you feeling? Quinn said you got sick," he replied.

"I'm fine. I just—wasn't feeling well all night. Too much candy." Then I wanted to smack myself for what I'd said.

"I'm glad you called. I kind of wanted to talk to you about something." My heart clenched. Maybe he already knew, and I wouldn't have to say anything at all.

"Okay."

"I—well—I wanted to tell you in person. But I guess it's easier this way. I'm kind of nervous in person. You know that."

"I guess so."

"It's just—last night when we were dancing, I kind of felt something, and I wanted you to know. It's just that—I really think I'm falling for you. And you don't have to say anything back. I know you're kind of scared of that kind of stuff. I just didn't want to keep it to myself anymore." Shit.

"I—Okay." That was all that came out.

"I don't expect anything in return. So I really hope this doesn't freak you out. I know you're not comfortable with relationship stuff. I just wanted you to know that I really like where this is going. And I hope that—someday, maybe you'll feel the same way."

"Okay," I said. It was all my brain was capable of coming up with. Then I dropped my head on the kitchen counter and smacked it a few times.

This wasn't going to work at all.