Sequel: The Lunacy Fringe: Part Two ›
The Lunacy Fringe
Seventy-Nine
I decided to call Billie when I got home just to cover my bases.
“Bill, I have a favor to ask you,” I said when she answered.
“And that is?”
“Is Quinn with you?”
“Yeah, we’re watching TV.”
“He can’t hear me, can he?” She snorted.
“No, my mom doesn’t let us sit next to each other. Are you kidding?”
“Okay, so here’s the deal. I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to make sure he doesn’t hear it, okay?”
“Got it. Stealth mode activated.”
“You can’t say things like that!”
“Sorry. What do you need?”
“Okay, so Felix’s mom got home early from work today.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“And we were sort of uh—naked?”
“Shut up!”
“Shush!”
“Sorry. Continue.”
“Well, anyway. We panicked, and I hid in the closet. He told her I was with you, and she asked if my dad and I could come for dinner. So I obviously want to cover my bases just in case she brings it up, and my dad doesn’t know what the heck she’s talking about.”
“Got it.”
“So I just need an alibi. I was with you. What did we do?”
“Well, first, I brought you to my house because I got this super cute pair of clogs, but you said you didn’t like them because they were this nasty mustard color that you said looked like pee. So you thought they’d be cute if we could just get them in a different color. So I decided to exchange them. And you went with me. This time I got the red ones, which was a much better color for my complexion, and then I took you home.”
“Genius. But my dad will wonder why I didn’t buy anything.”
“Right. You always buy something. Easy. You got a shirt, remember? I’ll bring it to you because you forgot it in my mom’s car, you big doofus.”
“Billie—I would die for you. I would marry you.”
“I know. I’m great. I’ll have Quinn bring me by, and I’ll drop off your new shirt, okay? See you in a bit.”
“Love you!”
I called my dad to ask him about dinner, but he was away, so I had to leave a message. Billie came by to trade shirts with me before he ever got around to calling me back. Then all he said was, “Sounds great!” And when I asked him what a rhubarb was, he said, “Gross,” and that’s all I needed to know about that.
When he got home, I fed him Billie’s bullshit story. He said the new shirt was nice, but I actually hated it. It was one Billie plucked out of her own closet, so it didn’t really fit me right. She was shorter and bigger chested, and the fabric was covered in little hearts. Which should have been the first clue that it wasn’t actually mine. But no one said anything about my sudden desire to wear little heart shirts. Felix was the only one who said anything about it. When our parents were busy dishing up food at the counter, and he leaned over the table to whisper to me.
“I like the shirt,” he said. “Very sexy.”
“I’m never wearing it again,” I promised. He grinned.
“Can I take a picture?”
“Guys, don’t whisper to each other. It’s rude and annoying,” my dad said as he returned to the table. He set the bowl of potatoes down with enough force to make me suspect he’d heard what Felix said.
“Bite me, Felix,” I said in a normal tone since I wasn’t allowed to whisper anymore. So Felix reached over and bit me on the arm. I smacked the back of his head several times before he stopped, still smiling like a fool.
“You hit me,” he said, rubbing the back of his head.
“You bit me. You know I have a deep psychological trauma.” Then he laughed.
“Right. I forgot. I’ll pinch you instead. How does that sound?” He reached out and pinched my arm, so I pinched him right back. This resulted in a brief pinch fight. “Ow, ow. Okay. I give up. You win,” he said, squirming away from me and scooting his chair farther.
“That’s what I thought.” I turned back to the table only to find both of our parents staring at us like we were insane. Mostly just my dad. Claire seemed to think we were amusing. My dad thought we were freaks. Then he took a deep breath and passed the asparagus to Claire.
“Green things?” he asked her. She took the dish.
“Please tell me you know what asparagus is,” she answered. He sent me a wink.
“Bill, I have a favor to ask you,” I said when she answered.
“And that is?”
“Is Quinn with you?”
“Yeah, we’re watching TV.”
“He can’t hear me, can he?” She snorted.
“No, my mom doesn’t let us sit next to each other. Are you kidding?”
“Okay, so here’s the deal. I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to make sure he doesn’t hear it, okay?”
“Got it. Stealth mode activated.”
“You can’t say things like that!”
“Sorry. What do you need?”
“Okay, so Felix’s mom got home early from work today.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“And we were sort of uh—naked?”
“Shut up!”
“Shush!”
“Sorry. Continue.”
“Well, anyway. We panicked, and I hid in the closet. He told her I was with you, and she asked if my dad and I could come for dinner. So I obviously want to cover my bases just in case she brings it up, and my dad doesn’t know what the heck she’s talking about.”
“Got it.”
“So I just need an alibi. I was with you. What did we do?”
“Well, first, I brought you to my house because I got this super cute pair of clogs, but you said you didn’t like them because they were this nasty mustard color that you said looked like pee. So you thought they’d be cute if we could just get them in a different color. So I decided to exchange them. And you went with me. This time I got the red ones, which was a much better color for my complexion, and then I took you home.”
“Genius. But my dad will wonder why I didn’t buy anything.”
“Right. You always buy something. Easy. You got a shirt, remember? I’ll bring it to you because you forgot it in my mom’s car, you big doofus.”
“Billie—I would die for you. I would marry you.”
“I know. I’m great. I’ll have Quinn bring me by, and I’ll drop off your new shirt, okay? See you in a bit.”
“Love you!”
I called my dad to ask him about dinner, but he was away, so I had to leave a message. Billie came by to trade shirts with me before he ever got around to calling me back. Then all he said was, “Sounds great!” And when I asked him what a rhubarb was, he said, “Gross,” and that’s all I needed to know about that.
When he got home, I fed him Billie’s bullshit story. He said the new shirt was nice, but I actually hated it. It was one Billie plucked out of her own closet, so it didn’t really fit me right. She was shorter and bigger chested, and the fabric was covered in little hearts. Which should have been the first clue that it wasn’t actually mine. But no one said anything about my sudden desire to wear little heart shirts. Felix was the only one who said anything about it. When our parents were busy dishing up food at the counter, and he leaned over the table to whisper to me.
“I like the shirt,” he said. “Very sexy.”
“I’m never wearing it again,” I promised. He grinned.
“Can I take a picture?”
“Guys, don’t whisper to each other. It’s rude and annoying,” my dad said as he returned to the table. He set the bowl of potatoes down with enough force to make me suspect he’d heard what Felix said.
“Bite me, Felix,” I said in a normal tone since I wasn’t allowed to whisper anymore. So Felix reached over and bit me on the arm. I smacked the back of his head several times before he stopped, still smiling like a fool.
“You hit me,” he said, rubbing the back of his head.
“You bit me. You know I have a deep psychological trauma.” Then he laughed.
“Right. I forgot. I’ll pinch you instead. How does that sound?” He reached out and pinched my arm, so I pinched him right back. This resulted in a brief pinch fight. “Ow, ow. Okay. I give up. You win,” he said, squirming away from me and scooting his chair farther.
“That’s what I thought.” I turned back to the table only to find both of our parents staring at us like we were insane. Mostly just my dad. Claire seemed to think we were amusing. My dad thought we were freaks. Then he took a deep breath and passed the asparagus to Claire.
“Green things?” he asked her. She took the dish.
“Please tell me you know what asparagus is,” she answered. He sent me a wink.