The Lunacy Fringe

"So let me get this straight," Billie said. "You were afraid Felix would break up with you without any confirmation that he would, so you did it first."

"I didn't say it made sense!" I retorted.

"It makes absolutely no sense at all. It's actually really fucking stupid." I sighed and dropped my head into my hand. It was the first time I'd talked to anyone other than my dad in days. I'd been avoiding all the calls. From both Billie and Felix. I felt awful. My room was hot, I hadn't showered, and I wanted to curl up into a ball and die.

"What did he say?" I wondered.

"He didn't say anything. He marched down the stairs toward the door, and when your dad said, 'Don't forget we're meeting tonight.' He just said, 'I'll be there.' And slammed the door."

"You haven't talked to him since?"

"No one has. He won't even talk to Quinn. You broke his heart, Ruby."

"I didn't—mean to. I just know how this will pan out, and I don't want to do it all over again. I don't want to spend the next year pining for him when he won't be bothered to make an effort for me."

"That's so bullshit! Last summer was completely different."

"You said yourself that he has a tendency to just disappear."

"For girls he doesn't like, stupid!"

"Listen—I just—I still think I made the right call."

"Yet both of you are so heartbroken you won't talk to anyone. That doesn't sound like the right call to me. You still love him, right?"

"Of course I do."

"And he still loves you. Two weeks ago, you were holed up in my beach house, boinking each other like animals, and now you won't even talk to him."

"I don't want to talk to him because I know he'll convince me to stay with him. And then he'll take off, and I'll be heartbroken again." She was silent for a moment. It was the first time in days that I could talk about it without crying, but I could already feel them building back up.

"You know I love you, Ruby," she finally said. I shut my eyes. I knew where this was going.

"I know."

"You're my best friend on the entire planet, and I would die for you."

"I know."

"But you're being a complete fucking asshole."

"I know."

"I love Felix too. And I'm not going to forgive you for breaking his heart." She hung up.

I dropped the phone onto the dock and rolled back onto my bed. I didn't win. The tears came anyway. I'd called her because I wanted some comfort. Some confirmation that I'd done the right thing. I should have known she wouldn't give it. I'd done something wrong. And even though I could count on her to have my back when needed, she wouldn't let me get away with doing something stupid and—well—cruel.

The next day, I decided I had to talk to him. I didn't know what to say, and I knew I would regret it. We'd either make up, and I'd get heartbroken later, or we wouldn't, and the pain would just get worse. But I couldn't let him leave without saying my peace. I couldn't let him go without saying a proper goodbye. So I waited until our parents were both at work before I headed over.

He answered the door, looking miserable, and then when he realized it was just me, he looked angry.

"You ready to talk now?" he asked. I nodded. It was all I could do. The sight of him made it hard to breathe. I thought I was safe from the tears again. But I was wrong.

He opened the door wider, so I could step inside, and we walked to his bedroom in silence. I sat on his bed, and he took the beanbag chair. But neither of us spoke. He leaned on his knees and fiddled with his hands. I stared at the floor.

"Please tell me this hurts you as much as it hurts me," he finally said. I sniffed and nodded.

"It does."

"Then why are you doing this?"

"Because our lives are going in different directions."

"They're not, though."

"They are. You're going off to record an album. Maybe tour. I don't know. And I'm going to college. How will we work if neither of us can afford the money it's going to take to keep in touch?"

"No one said this would be successful. We're just giving ourselves a chance. It might go up in flames."

"It might not."

"Regardless—you know how to write. I do too."

"And it's going to hurt. Every call. Every letter. I'm trying to spare us the agony of trying to make a relationship last when we're hundreds of miles apart." He was quiet again for a minute, staring at the carpet and chewing on his thumb. His eyes were red, and it looked like he was trying very hard not to cry in front of me. I wanted to touch him. To hold him.

"Is this because of that guy you were dating in Detroit? Because it didn't last long?" he finally asked. I shrugged.

"That's part of it, yes. It's also because of the way it happened last summer when you disappeared on me. We don't work well when we're not around each other all the time. We both know it."

"You weren't in love with that guy, and he wasn't in love with you. And we didn't work out last summer because we were only just starting out, and I panicked. But I'm not afraid anymore. I love you, and I want to be with you." I dropped my head into my hands and sobbed. It was clearly eating him up inside, and I hated myself for doing it.

"I want to be with you, too," I promised. "And I do love you. I love you so much."

"Then why won't you just give me a chance to try?"

"Because I don't want to go through that with you."

"So, to spare us the pain of being apart—you're going to break us apart."

"I know it doesn't make sense when you say it like that!"

"It makes sense. I get it. But it still fucking sucks, and I'm so goddamn pissed about it. Everyone—everyone made me out like I was the bad guy. Like they had to protect you from me. I was the one who was going to rip your heart to shreds. No one thought to protect me from you. And now here we are. I'm about to start something I've been dreaming of since I was a kid, and all I want to do is bash my goddamn head into the wall."

"I'm sorry!" It was all I could say. I continued to cry, and he continued to sniff and pretend he wasn't. And then he finally spoke again.

"I can still get out of it," he suggested. "They don't own me yet. If," he paused as I lifted my head. He looked like he didn't want to say it. Like he was angry at me for even making him say it. "If you want me to stay. For you. I will."

"Felix," I started. He looked away. Angrier than I'd ever seen him.

"I'd give it up for you. All of it."

"I won't let you do that." He looked at me again.

"What if it's my choice?"

"If you think that will win me back, you're wrong. If you don't do this—I'll never speak to you again. I swear on my life. I will never forgive you for giving up your dream for me. Don't. Don't you dare do it." He looked away and slumped.

"You were always part of that dream, Ruby."

"I shouldn't be."

"Quinn and Billie are going to try and make it work. Why can't we do the same?" he asked. I sighed again.

"They're different."

"How so?"

"They're completely devoted to each other." He looked offended again.

"Do you think I'm not devoted to you? I just offered to give up my fucking dreams for you." I shook my head.

"That's not what I mean. I just—women are going to be throwing themselves at you. You're beautiful and talented. Trust me. I'm doing you a favor."

"So you're breaking up with me so I can fuck whoever I want?" I shook my head.

"That's not…."

"It sounds to me like you don't actually know why you're doing this. Just that you think you have to."

"I have a thousand different reasons, and they all make sense to me, okay?"

"You're just trying to get me to back off and stop asking you to take me back."

"More or less." He leaned back in his beanbag chair and sniffed again.

"You're my best friend, Ruby. I don't want to have a life without you in it."

"I'm still going to be in it. We can still be friends. I just don't want to do the waiting, the pining, and the pretending we're still together when we're obviously not. This way—you're free to do what you want, and you owe me nothing. And I can heal and focus on what's best for me."

"Selfishly."

"Yes, Felix. Selfishly. Because I'm eighteen years old. I don't want to get married right now. I want to go to school and figure out who I am and where I'm going with my life. And I want to do that without having to take a relationship into consideration. I don't want either of us to give up our dreams for each other. I want our paths to be our own. And right now, they're not headed in the same direction." He nodded slowly and looked away again.

"Then how about this?" he said. "If our lives ever end up going in the same direction again—you give me another chance." I looked up and took a deep breath through the painful lump in my throat.

"Felix—I promise you—if we get to a point where our lives are on the same path—and you still make me feel the way I feel about you now—and you still want me after all of this—I'm yours." He wiped his eye on the back of his hand but didn't look at me.

"I'm already yours, Ruby. I always will be." I looked down at my hands again.

"Don't say things like that."

"I'll say whatever I want. I love you. And I hate you for making me feel this way. But I'm not gonna stop loving you just because you think I should."

"You will. With time."

"And if I don't?" I tried to smile, but it didn't really work.

"Then I'll eat my words."

"No. We'll make it a deal. You'll let me kiss you." I nodded slowly, and then I really did smile.

"Okay. If you still love me, I'll let you kiss me."

When he walked me back to the door, neither of us could find the words to speak. It still felt hard to breathe. I felt worse than I did before. The pain was just as sharp. But I felt relieved too. He may disagree with me, but we were at least on the same page. I stopped out on the front steps and turned back to him. I wanted to remember his face forever, but he looked heartbroken. I didn't want to remember him like this.

"You want to know what I wished for on my birthday?" he asked with a sad smile.

"I thought you wouldn't tell me unless it came true?" He sniffed again.

"Well, according to you, it's not going to come true. So I might as well just tell you. I wished that this—what we had—would last forever." I moved my hand to wipe my eyes again. When I shut them, he leaned down and planted a kiss on my lips. My hand moved into his hair to the back of his head. I kissed him harder, knowing I'd regret it later. Knowing I'd regret it if I didn't. He pulled away too quickly. "I still love you," he said. "So you owed me one." Then he slipped back into the house and shut the door.