The Lunacy Fringe

I woke up early the morning they were set to leave. The sun was barely rising, and the sky was gray and overcast. I could hear Felix talking to my dad downstairs. We were going to ride with them to the bus station to see them all off. I got out of bed and found something to wear. I still felt terrible, and I didn't want to see Felix again so soon. But I knew I had to.

I wasn't surprised when I heard him knock on the door a few minutes later. He popped his head in before I could even answer it. Then we were both standing there staring at each other. He didn't look like he would cry again, but he still didn't look happy.

"I didn't know if you were awake or not. Your dad said we have to leave soon," he said. I nodded quickly.

"Okay. I'm ready when you are." He took a deep breath, and then he smiled. But it was forced. Like he was trying to be my friend even though it hurt.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready for this." I reached out to take his hand and squeezed it.

"You'll be great. The world won't know what hit it." He looked down at the floor and moved my hand to his chest. I spread my fingers out over his heart to feel it beating.

"I wish you were coming on this ride with me. Feels wrong doing this without you."

"You mean the ride to LA?" He smiled again.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Well—when my college professors inevitably discover I'm a mountain of untapped talent and I become super famous, maybe we can tour together." His eyebrows rose, and he smiled.

"And then you'll let me take you on a date?" I pushed his chest playfully.

"Maybe I will."

"Then I have something to look forward to."

"We should get going."

"Yeah—I suppose so." I stepped away and let my hand drop.

"I have something for you. To remember me by." I took it off my dresser and handed it out. It was my guitar strap, rolled up. He unraveled it and then found the place where my name was embroidered in red thread. He ran his thumb over it. "I know it's—probably not a good idea to give you a memento like this. Of course, you don't have to wear it. But I wanted you to have something special to remember me by." He smiled.

"As if I could ever forget you. I'll wear it close to my heart," he promised.

We were silent the entire ride to the bus station. We took Claire's car so we'd all fit, and she sat in the front with my dad. Felix and I took the back. And even though we'd technically broken up, I didn't pull away when he reached across the seat to take my hand. I squeezed his hand in mine, anxious about the future and heartbroken about the thought of a life without him.

We met everyone outside of the station. There were a lot of hugs and tears as everyone said goodbye. Even though they wouldn't be too far, it still felt like the end of something—the end of childhood and romance. I didn't cry. I hugged my friends and my brother. Billie wasn't even acting mad at me. And then, when it was time for them to go, Felix found me and pulled me to his chest. I finally broke down.

Everyone pretended not to notice as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and cried into his neck. They were supposed to be happy tears. I was happy for them. But I was miserable. I'd broken up with the only person I'd ever truly loved. And now I'd have to live with that choice. As much as I wanted to beg him to take me back, I knew I couldn't. He held me close and let me get it out. And then, when he pulled away, he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me hard. Right in front of my dad and our families. Even though we'd broken up.

When he pulled away, I could see it hurt him as much as it hurt me. He swept my hair back off my face and gave me a pained smile.

"You owed me one," he said. I held on tighter.

"I love you," I promised him. It looked like my words sliced right through him. He glanced down and then back up at me as if he didn't want to forget my face.

"I know. And I know that you have to do what you think is right. Just know that—I love you too. And I'm not gonna give up on you."

He kissed me one more time quickly and then pulled back. We watched them head out into the parking lot toward the busses, and he turned back before he disappeared out of the door. He shifted his bag onto his shoulder and made the shape of a heart with his hands. Then he climbed onto the bus and disappeared.