It's Gonna Be My Year

“Alex, Alex honey wake up. You have a visitor,” I heard my Mum say as I started waking up. I was still in that nice state between. I could feel someone’s arms around my waist and realised they were Jack’s. I didn’t want to get up so I just nestled down further into his arms and prepared myself for sleep when Mum shook me. I groaned and blinked wearily, stretching my arms above my head.
I turned to Jack and saw he was still asleep. I leaned in and kissed his forehead and he didn’t move at all. I sat up and starting to shake him a bit.
“Jaaaaack,” I sung, “Wake up Jaaack.”
He still wouldn’t wake up so I shook a little harder and he finally woke up. He just shut his eyes again and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“Fuck, it’s harder to wake you up than me,” I said teasingly. Jack looked so adorable like this. I mean he looked adorable all the time but especially now. I gently poked his nose and he looked up at my face. Then he must have seen something behind me because he furrowed his brow. He glanced at me then back begin me and I understood he was telling me to look behind me. Well Mum did say I had a visitor right? It’s probably the doctor or something and Jack’s just confused because he doesn’t know why he’s in the room.
I turned around and what I saw just completely shocked me. Flipped my world upside down. I mean fuck, why was he here now? Why after all this time did he show up? I mean my life was finally getting on track. I was having less therapy sessions and I was beginning to feel happy again. I just felt like those robots on TV saying “This does not compute.” Because it didn’t. It didn’t make any sense. I felt my breathing quicken. Not now. Not now. Jack’s here. I can’t have a panic attack with Jack here.
If anything that made my breathing worse.
“Get out,” I said quietly to my elder brother.
“Look Alex, I understand you’re upset, and I’m sorry for what I put you through but, but Alex I love you bud and-“
That’s kinda where it broke for me. I couldn’t believe he was standing here saying these things to me. Like he deserved to be heard out. I couldn’t handle it anymore.
“You’re sorry! You’re fucking sorry? That’s all you’ve got to say after half a year!? Do you know how worried I was?” I could feel my heart rate speeding up as well as my breathing. I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t get enough air. “Leave! Get out! Fuck off! However you, you want to fucking hear it! I just want, want you gone! You d-decided to leave my. My life! You can’t just come back… and, and, and,”
I was getting short of breath now. My heart was beating crazily fast and I couldn’t pull in enough oxygen. I was going to pass out soon. That’s what normally happened after I’d gone full panic attack mode. I was nearly there too. All I needed were tears, but I felt too angry for crying.
Thankfully, my damsel came through, though this time he was the knight I guess.
“Look, I think you should leave,” Jack said quietly and calmly to Tom. He glanced at my mother and she nodded and ushered Tom out of the room. Jack quickly turned to me and grabbed my hand, pulling me to the bed. I must’ve gotten off of it in my anger without realising it. He sat me on the edge of it and turned my face to his. I could barely focus though as my breathing was still very fast.
“Alex, baby. I need you to breathe ok? Can you do that for me?” Jack asked me in a calm voice. I looked into his eyes and saw panic and concern and realised it was for me. That in itself helped me calm down as no one was really ever worried about me except my Mum and this showed that Jack cared. He really cared about me.
I slowly nodded and started trying to follow one of the breathing techniques my psychiatrist told me to use. I couldn’t do it though. I just kept thinking about Tom’s face and Tom’s note he had written when he’d left us and, and now I couldn’t think because it was too much. It was all too much. My breathing escalated once again and I was now having a full blown panic attack. My chest got tight and I started to cry a little.
Jack moved closer and held both of my hands, telling me to look him in the eye.
“Ok, breathe with me Alex, do you think you can do that for me?”
Jack took one of my hands and placed it on his chest and took my other hand and put it on my own chest. He placed his hands over mine and took slow, deep breaths. I started to copy, just focusing on Jack and the feel of his hands on mine, using him as a focal point. My breathing didn’t slow completely for a long time. I don’t know where my Mum was during that time and to be honest I didn’t care at that moment.
My breathing finally got to a normal pace. I felt kind of embarrassed now. I’d just had a full blown panic attack with Jack right there, even worse is that he had to help me through it. Jack could tell what I was thinking though and quickly reassured me that it was ok. Everyone had problems and I’d listened to his countless times.
“Is there any water?” I asked croakily. I was always tired and thirsty after panic attacks. Jack slowly retracted one of his hands after I’d released my death grip on it. Oh god, it looked red.
“Alex, its fine. Ok it’s just red. It doesn’t hurt or anything,” he reassured me.
He took his other hand and got me a cup of water. I drank it greedily and then collapsed on the bed. He lent over me and wiped the tears from my face before softly saying, “I’m going to go get your Mum ok?”
“No don’t leave me,” I said quickly, grabbing his hand. Another of the after effects of my panic attacks were that I hated to be alone after them. “Please come lay down,” I pleaded with my words and my eyes. He nodded and climbed back into bed with me. I immediately turned to him and buried my face in his arms, whilst wrapping my arms around it. He cautiously put his arms around my waist and rubbed small circles into my back, cooing things softly into my ear as I fell asleep.

TWO WEEKS LATER
I had been going to school for a week now, I was released the day that Tom came to visit. He had dropped by the house three times so far but each time I just shut the door in his face. I couldn’t take this shit. He had disappeared because he didn’t want us in his life anymore and for all I cared he could stay gone. I had started to go back to therapy because my Mum thought it would be a good idea with all the shit I’d been through recently.
When I had gone back to school Jack and I had come to face the football team (Minus Kyle and Rick) and got something quite unexpected. They apologised. Apparently it wasn’t supposed to have gotten that far and they admired Jack and I for sticking together and fighting for each other. And apparently they admired my awesome fighting skills. They told us that Kyle and Rick had been suspended and when they get back they’ll be kicked off the football team, and if they tried to do anything else to us then the football team would back us up. I was awed. I couldn’t believe they’d just turn like that. Well I guess even the football team has morals.
My day was going fantastically well. Jack and I walked around holding hands and people complimented us more than they shunned us. The football team was no longer going to bother us. Could today really be a bad day?
As it turns out it could and I figured that one out as soon as I got home

THAT AFTERNOON
Jack had decided to come over so we could practise playing our guitar. We decided we needed to stay in tip top shape if we wanted to actually make a band. We were holding hands and giggling about some birds that couldn’t fly against the wind. I opened the door to my house and Jack and I stumbled into the kitchen. What I saw shocked me more than anything else. I saw my father, my mother and Tom all sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea.
“What the fuck are you doing here?!” I exclaimed. I couldn’t believe it. Not only was my brother here but so was my father!
“Don’t swear Alexander, especially in front of guests,” my Dad said patronisingly. Ugh I was already sick of him. Why had he come back? I turned to my mother’s face to find answers and found guilt. Fuck she had let them in the house. Speaking of guests though.
“Dad, Tom, This is my boyfriend Jack. Mom we’re going out for a while. I will be back before 7,” I announced before turning around and pulling Jack with me. We got to a park that was only 2 minutes away from my house and stopped there.
“Uh Alex. What the fuck happened in there?” Jack asked, very confused.
I sat down on one of the park benches gesturing for him to take a seat next to me.
“I suppose I should probably tell you about the rest of my fucked up family, huh?”