Ramblings.

I'm sitting in silence as my hands patter against the keyboard and I can't help but wonder if this is how my life was supposed to turn out. I've always thought that your life had a designated track it was aligned on - going from point A to point B - and nothing could derail it. But now that I'm older I think it's much more like a car wreck. A series of unfortunate events. One explosion that affects the next. And I can't help but retrace my steps and wonder if I could have done anything differently. Maybe if I didn't punch Danielle in the nose when I was in fifth grade I would have stood a chance against the mean girls in high school. Maybe if I didn't take that sip of hooch at that field party in high school I never would have taken a hit of M and I never would have been lead to Trash. Maybe if I tried harder, really tried, you would still be here, sitting in this moldy apartment with me instead of wherever the hell you are right now. That's possible, right? I swear to god, there have been times when if I could have just done something different, taken a different turn, thought before I spoke, that I could be writing a stupid love poem about you right now instead of fantasizing about situations that can never happen. All the words that I so desperately want to say to you are stuck in the back of my throat and frankly I'm too scared to swallow.

I feel nauseous.