I'll Never Be the Same Again

It started with little things. At first, Matt thought nothing of it. Rian was probably just a little insecure, he had been too when he was younger.

“Do I look fine Matt?” The younger would ask and Matt would always say that he looked more than fine and Rian would drop it.

“Do you think I’m fat?” He would sometimes ask while looking at himself in the mirror, disgusted by his appearance.

“Baby, why would you think that? You might not be skinny but you’re far from being fat?” The older boy would reply and Rian would just accept this and change the subject.

But now, it was getting worse. It was obvious that Rian didn’t like the way he looked but Matt didn’t think much of it until he realized that his boyfriend seemed genuinely repulsed by his body. He would still ask Matt how he looked but he didn’t drop the subject so easily and his clothes seemed even baggier than before, a clear sign that he kept losing weight.

When Matt entered his boyfriend’s room that day, he decided to finally talk to him. This needed to stop. This time, Rian was standing in front of the mirror, shirtless, trying to grab the non-existent fat on his belly, a frown on his face.

“Ri’, come here.” Matt said, sitting on the younger boy’s bed. “I need to talk to you.”

“You’re gonna leave me, right?” Rian asked, 100% sure that this is what Matt would do.

“No! Why would I do that? I love you Rian! I could never leave you.” Matt immediately said, shocked that Rian could ever think that Matt would leave him.

“Why wouldn’t you? How can you love someone like me? I’m a loser, I’m fat and I’m stupid.”

“That’s not true Rian. You’re amazing, smart, kind, you always put everyone before yourself, you’re one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known and you’re beautiful. You’re basically perfect to me and I don’t know why you believe all these awful things about yourself but it’s absolutely not true.” The older boy said, his eyes locked with Rian, nothing but sincerity shown in his gaze. As soon as he was done talking, the younger boy’s eyes went down to his lap, avoiding to looks at Matt at all cost.

“Everyone at school says I am. I don’t know why it wouldn’t be true.” Rian muttered.

“I thought these bullies were done harassing you.” Matt said, feeling anger pulsing in his veins at the thought of Rian being bullied again.

“They started again this year. You’re in college now, you can’t protect me.” The younger boy said.

“What about Alex and Jack? I thought they were on your side.” Matt asked, confused.

“They are but everyone is afraid of those jocks. They could beat up Alex and Jack easily. I don’t want them to get beaten up because of me.” Rian sighed, letting his head fall between his hands.

“You can’t let them bring you down. All that shit they say is not true.”

“But what if it is?” Rian asked. “They’ve been saying it for so long, telling me that I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m a loser, that I’m dumb. Why would they say all of that if nothing’s true?”

“Because they’re dumb and mean. If you show them that what they say hurts you, they’ll never stop.” Matt explained. “But seriously, don’t believe them Rian. You’re amazing and I love you just the way you are.”

A silence took its place in the room. Rian didn’t know what to say and Matt was trying to find a way to tell Rian that he knew. But there was no easy way to say it.

“Rian.” He said, his voice only above a whisper. “I- I know that you’ve been starving yourself. You didn’t need to lose weight for me. You were already perfect.”

Rian looked at him, in shock. “H-how?” He choked out.

“I noticed how much weight you lost, how skinny you became. Your ribs are sticking out Ri’. I know you better than anyone, did you really think that I wouldn’t notice?” Matt said, starting to lose his calm. He wasn’t angry at Rian but he was angry because of this situation and the bullies, what those jocks did to his boyfriend pissed him off and even though he knew he should not be screaming at the younger boy, he couldn’t stay calm anymore.

Obviously, because of Matt’s tone, Rian thought that he had angered his boyfriend. He lowered his tearful gaze to the floor, trying to stop his bottom lip from quivering too much. “I’m sorry.” He muttered, hoping that his voice wasn’t too shaky or choked up. “I just thought you’d like me more if I wasn’t fat.”

“You weren’t fat Ri’!” Matt screamed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scream at you. Those asshole just piss me off so much.” He said when he saw the younger boy flinching away from him. “I literally want to kill them. But you need to stop this. If not for you, do it for me. I don’t want to lose you and even if they didn’t figure it out, your parents don’t want to lose you either, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same for Jack and Alex.” The older boy said, keeping his eyes fixed on Rian’s.

“I’ll need your help though Matt. I can’t do it on my own.” Rian said, his eyes pleading for help.
“Whatever you need, I’ll be there for you. As long as I can have the old Rian back, I’ll do anything.” Matt said, taking both of Rian’s hand in his.

“I can’t bring back the old me though. It’s like a sheet of paper. If you tear it apart, no matter the amount of tape you use, it’s never gonna be as it was before. But you can make something better out of it. That’s what you’re gonna get, a better me. Once something is altered, it cannot be brought back to its original form.” Rian said, squeezing Matt’s hand a little tighter.

“I hate those bastard for doing this to you but I’ll help you get better.” The older boy said, quickly pecking the younger on the lips. “Then you’ll prove them that you’re so much better than them.” He added. “But remember, don’t ever doubt yourself, I love you exactly the way you are, you don’t need to change for me, no matter what people say or think.”

“Okay. I love you too Matt.”