The Mixtape of Hatred

Alex did his best to keep his eyes on his hands, but he couldn’t help looking up every few seconds. He felt like he was dreaming. This was Jack Barakat. Jack Barakat. He was so thankful that Tanner didn’t recognize Jack. He wasn’t sure if Tanner remembered who Jack was exactly, and at the moment, he couldn’t have wished for anything better.

He had no idea what to say at this point. How was he supposed to take the fact that Jack had come to find him? He had talked to Rian about it, and Rian had told him to just do his best to act normal and friendly, while making it extremely clear that he had a boyfriend if Jack tried to bring up the past.

He couldn’t stand the tense silence between them. His mind was spinning with things he wanted to say and yet he felt as if he had swallowed his tongue and it was now wedged in the middle of his throat. And so he waited for Jack to speak up, because that’s the way it usually was.

“Thank you.” Jack said, his voice velvety and gentle. He sounded sincere as he looked up at Alex.

“Uh, no problem. A-are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, yeah. I feel fine.” Jack claimed, sitting up slightly, only to widen his eyes and fall back down onto Alex’s king-sized bed. “Oh. Maybe not.”

The tension and awkwardness seem to evaporate from the room when both the boys cracked smiles at each other.

“Does that happen often? The um, the fainting?” Alex asked quietly, as if he were afraid of asking questions that would get Jack upset.

Jack seemed to consider the question before answering, “Sort of. It’s kinda recent. It’s not a big deal, though.” He paused before continuing, “So, Tanner. It’s true, then.”

Alex nodded slowly. He had told Tanner to keep quiet about their relationship for various reasons, but Tanner being Tanner, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He didn’t know that Jack knew. “How’d you know?”

Jack shrugged and studied Alex’s face carefully. “I just heard. Heard that you were gonna engage to him or something.”

Alex’s eyes widened and he immediately shook his head. “No! Not at all. I don’t think I could.”

“Who were you singing about, then?”

Alex’s mouth opened to speak before his brain had even processed what Jack had just asked him. He saw the smirk on Jack’s face. Jack had hit a jackpot.

It took Alex a glorious thirty seconds to answer, “Tanner.”

“Uh-huh. You don’t want to marry him, though.”

“No, but I just thought about him through the rest of the song and yeah.”

“Mm, is that so?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Their voices were quiet. They were practically whispering to each other, despite being alone in Alex’s executive hotel room. Both of them knew fully well who Alex had really been singing about. He was a really bad liar and Jack saw right through them all.

“I’m glad you came to the show. Were you at the meet and greet, though? I didn’t see you there.”

“Uh, your band didn’t let me in. Well, more specifically, Rian.” He admitted.

“Oh, yeah. He doesn’t seem to want you near me. He offered to take you to his hotel room, but I didn’t really want that to happen.”

“You’d rather have me all to yourself?” Jack teased.

Alex felt himself blush, and looked away. “No, what? No, no. No, I just. I.” He scratched his head and looked down, trying to come up with an excuse for wanting Jack in his room. “I wanted to make sure you were okay and that he wouldn’t tie you up and throw you into a shark tank for coming here or something. You should probably go back to sleep now. I’ll go ask for another room…”

Jack scoffed and gave Alex a smirk. “I haven’t grown man-cooties since high school, Alex. Stay here.”

Alex brought his hands up to his cheeks to hide the reddening of his face. “I’ll get changed.” He said, disappearing into the bathroom and reemerging in boxers and a bathrobe.

“Sing me a song.” Jack requested.

“What? No way! You just heard me sing for like, over an hour.”

“Please?”

Alex sighed. He couldn’t turn down those puppy dog eyes or that childish whine.

“Why don’t you do it?” Alex protested.

“Sing myself to sleep?”

“Sing both of us to sleep. I’ve been up all night, you know. Or uh, morning.” Alex said, realizing too late that it might not have been the right thing to announce.

Jack aw’ed at Alex. “Oh, you little sweetheart.”

Alex observed the way Jack looked at him. It was a different way than all those years before. Jack was looking at him – dare he say – lovingly? Not just the bromance love they used to share, but truly and deeply.

“Please?” Alex mimicked Jack.

Jack laughed lightly, a sight that made Alex feel like he was melting. “Do you have a guitar here?”

“Duh.” Alex replied with an eye roll, before reaching to grab his favorite acoustic guitar that slept with him beside his bed. He handed it to Jack. “You learned to play?”

Jack strummed a chord. “You taught me.”

Alex smiled at the memory and climbed under the covers next to Jack.

“What are you singing?”

Jack didn’t reply, instead, he began to sing and play.

“Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye
It could be for the last time and it's not right.”

Alex was mesmerized by Jack’s quiet, angelic voice when he sang, listening to each and every lyric.

“ Forever's never seemed so long as when you're not around
It's like a piece of me is missing.
I could have learned so much from you but what's left now?
Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there should have been a happy ending we let go?

Sing me to sleep, I'll see you in my dreams,
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."”

It was the kind of song that Alex would’ve sang to Jack, and yet, Jack was the one holding the guitar and singing. Alex couldn’t tell if this was the same Jack he’d fallen in love with so many years ago, because Jack was more perfect now than he ever was before.