The Mixtape of Hatred

“Bay-be!” Tanner squealed out when Alex opened his front door. Alex grinned at his boyfriend and walked into his open arms.

“Tanner! Hey. Come on in.” Alex said, blushing a little when Tanner gave him a peck on the cheek. Despite the fact that he’d been officially dating Tanner for nearly a year, he still wasn’t really used to the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing.

“I can’t believe you’re going on tour tomorrow.” Tanner whined grumpily, pulling back from Alex and stepping past him to enter Alex’s house. “What am I supposed to do? Sit here and do nothing?” He groaned, automatically wiping his shoes on Alex’s green welcome mat.

“Yeah. Just sit on my bed all day long cuddling with my pillow and missing me.” Alex teased. “It’s only a mini-tour anyways.”

Tanner shrugged. “Still. I could just cuddle you instead of your pillow right now.” He replied, grabbing Alex’s hand and leading him towards Alex’s own bedroom.

Alex rolled his eyes. Tanner practically knew Alex’s house better than Alex did himself. He didn’t respond, but followed Tanner up his crystal spiral staircase in silence.

Tanner’s first instinct when entering Alex’s room was to make himself comfortable on Alex’s bed. They usually had a miniature make-out session when first arriving in his bedroom. It was almost like a tradition now. However, this time, Alex didn’t join him.

Instead, Alex walked around his room. He loved touring. He truly did, but at the same time, he tended to get awfully homesick after a week or so. He wished that some teleportation device could be invented, so that he could sleep in his own bed after each show.

“Babe, what are you thinking?” Tanner asked, stretching out on Alex’s bed.

Alex shrugged, moving towards his bookshelf-sized glass case that contained all of his prized possessions. He pressed a hidden button on the side of the case, and the door of the case popped open.

“I dunno.” Alex said softly as his eyes gazed over all of his music awards on his top shelf. Like a magnet, the third shelf caught Alex’s attention as his attention focused on the 14 multi-colored, hardcover yearbooks. His friends used to make fun of him for actually keeping the yearbooks. Who was laughing now? They looked great! The yearbooks looked so perfectly uniform on his bookshelf, and he loved it.

“Hey, remember this?” Tanner stood beside him and pointed at a glossy picture taped to the wall beside the precious case. The wall, like the case, held Alex’s favorite memories, only in pictures instead of objects.

The picture Tanner pointed at showed the two of them during the summer after high school. Tanner had taken Alex to an amusement park, and Alex had gotten terrified after going through the most violent roller coaster in the park. The picture captured the moment when Alex hid his face in Tanner’s shoulder, and Tanner had taken a selfie. It was a really cute picture. Tanner’s favorite one, in fact.

Alex laughed. “Yeah, I remember it. You are never taking me on that stupid roller coaster again. There were what, twenty loops?”

“Twenty-three.” Tanner corrected him with a sly smile.

“Close enough.” Alex shot back, before diverting his attention back to his little collection of yearbooks. “I wanna look through these before I go on tour.”

“Why don’t you bring them with you?” Tanner suggested. He knew how homesick Alex got on tour. Usually, by the last few days, Alex would call him every hour or so. Needless to say, Alex was a pretty needy guy.

Alex considered the idea, and replied, “Nah. I don’t want them to get damaged or anything.”

Alex leaned forward slightly to examine the spines of the yearbooks. His hand lingered over the newest yearbook: Senior year.

He used a single finger to pull the book out of its neat row and looked at the blue-and-white cover.

“Can we look at your junior year photo instead?” Tanner asked with a knowing smile. “You know that I adore that picture of you.”

Alex raised his eyebrow and playfully glared at Tanner. “Jesus Christ, Tanner. For the last time, I don’t look like a puppy in that picture!”

“Sure you do.” Tanner chuckled as he sat down on Alex’s pink couch, motioning for Alex to join him. Alex took his place on Tanner’s lap, holding the yearbook, which had been flipped open to a random page.

Alex looked down at the book as Tanner wrapped his arms around his waist. A certain picture almost instantly caught Alex’s eye.

It was a picture of taken during spirit week. It showed a dark-haired boy getting his skin spray-painted purple by about four different people. The boy was laughing as the picture was snapped.

Jack Bassam Barakat.

“Ooh, that’s a cute photo.” Tanner said. Alex flinched, thinking that Tanner was talking about Jack before seeing that Tanner was pointing at a photo of his old friend in a onesie. It had also been taken on spirit week.

Alex forced himself to look at the picture of Tanner’s friend, but he couldn’t help himself. He kept glancing back at the stupid jerk who stole his heart in high school. He was so glad to have Tanner now. Tanner’s so much better than Jack….right?

Feeling uncomfortable with the picture of Jack, Alex nodded enthusiastically at the picture Tanner was pointing to, before violently flipping the page over to reveal their senior photo, showing all of them throwing our graduation hat things in the air. Right in the front, along with all of the people with last names from A-F, was Jack. His smile was, like the previous picture, frozen in the moment. His grin reflected pure happiness: something Alex had always admired.

“Ooh it’s our senior photo.” Tanner stated obviously. Alex blushed, hoping Tanner didn’t notice him observing the handsome boy in the front row.

“Yeah.” Alex said quickly, thumbing the edge of the book and opening it to a random page. Somehow, it ended up on the two-page spread about prom.

Tanner asked Alex to prom that year, but their relationship didn’t really kick off until a while after. Their prom photo didn’t make it to the yearbook, but, of course, Jack’s did.

Alex wanted to scream. What the hell was going on? It was like this yearbook had some sort of spell casted on it to shove Jack in his face. This really wasn’t what Alex needed before heading off on another tour. Alex frowned and slammed the book shut.

Alex had spent way too many years obsessing over the perfect Jack Barakat. He’d written song for him, helped him with homework, and bought him gifts on his birthday (a date he knew by heart). What had Jack given back? Nothing. He wasn’t worth it. Alex had told himself the statement a million times. Jack wasn’t worth it.

Somehow, Alex could never bring himself to believe it, though.

Tanner placed his fingers on Alex’s chin and turned Alex’s head towards him.

“Babe, everything okay?” Tanner asked, frowning and looking concerned.

Alex sighed, nodding, and noticing how his stomach didn’t fill with fluttering butterflies when Tanner called him babe. “Yeah. I’m just tired.” He lied, rubbing his forehead.

“Will cuddling help?” Tanner asked gently, running his fingers through Alex’s hair.

Alex gave Tanner his most convincing smile, followed by a nod. “Of course it will. It always does, doesn’t it?” He replied softly, lightly dropping a kiss on Tanner’s rough lips. Alex got off of Tanner’s lap, and quickly moved to put the yearbook away before joining Tanner on his own bed.

Alex laid down next to Tanner and sighed, relaxing when Tanner’s muscular arms wrapped around Alex’s waist.

“I love you, Alex.” Tanner murmured, letting his chin rest upon the top of Alex’s head.

“I love you, too.” Alex replied, though his eyes were focused on the one picture on his wall.

Not the one of Tanner and Alex at the amusement park, but the one of Jack and Alex at a football game, with Jack’s arm casually draped around Alex’s shoulders. Again, Jack’s eyes were radiant and full of energy as he wore a smile that reflected his joy. In the particular picture, Alex looked just as alive.

It was Alex’s favorite picture, but he didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing.