The Mixtape of Hatred

Alex sat on the floor of his empty room with both his legs and arms crossed. He didn’t want to move. He was not going to get up to turn on the TV. He was not going to get up to get himself a glass of water. Most importantly, he was not going to touch the mixtape, which he had removed from the mixtape player and placed into the empty trashcan.

He was so furious and frustrated and utterly heartbroken. He had no idea what to do. He was lonely, and the desperation for comfort clawed at his heart as he longed for Jack or Tanner.

Tanner had left yesterday morning, but after the flashback and the resulting trauma, he felt like Tanner had left weeks ago.

Alex’s phone rang.

His natural instinct caused him to flinch, his mind wanting to reach for the phone before stopping to consider who was calling.

He took a deep breath and decided that if Jack was calling, he’d ignore it, and if Tanner was calling, he’d pick up. Alex had accepted the fact that Jack meant the world to him, but he also knew that he’d pushed the boy too far away now and would only hurt him if he tried anything.

Alex stretched out his hand towards his phone, which was charging next to the wall. His hand was just out of reach from the position he was in. He groaned and allowed himself to flop over so that he was lying down, and crawled over to the phone without removing his body from the floor. Thank God he’d vacuumed the floor yesterday.

He grabbed the phone and nervously glanced at the screen, his hand shaking slightly. He frowned when he saw the caller.

rian the poop

“Damn right you’re a poop.” Alex muttered as his thumb hit the green button.

He hit the loudspeaker and placed the phone next to him so that he could lie down on his back.

“Gaskarth speaking, motherfucker.” He said.

“Look, Alex, I don’t have a choice…” Rian began.

“Tell me, potato head, what is the point of this stupid mixtape?” Alex snapped. “I’m miserable. Thanks. I love Jack. Got it. He’s somewhere in the world and probably hates me. I know. I’ll never see him again. I’ve got that covered. What. Do. You. Want?”

Rian sounded frustrated, “It’s not what I want. It’s the goddamn mixtape. I explained this to you in your little flashback thing today. Tanner was supposed to get this mixtape and become miserable and regretful, not you. You shouldn’t have touched the mixtape, Alex.” He groaned. “You’re miserable and it’s only been one song, one flashback. There’s still eleven to go.”

Alex frowned. “Wait, wait. Going back to what you’d said earlier. Someone had to have sent it, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Who would be cruel enough to send something like this to someone as kind as Tanner?”

Rian didn’t reply.

“No.” Alex shook his head.

“Sorry, Alex, but it’s got to be him.”

“He wouldn’t.” Alex insisted.

“It would only make sense if it were him. He randomly came running back into your life. My guess is that he got the mixtape first.”

“He wouldn’t.” Alex repeated.

“You broke his goddamn heart.”

Silence.

Alex ended the call, rolled across the floor to the trashcan, picked the mixtape out, and inserted it back into the mixtape player. He needed to remember more.

***

He ended up back in the empty room of whiteness, with Rian standing in front of him, giving him a disapproving look.

“Slow down, tiger.”

Alex glared at him. “What’s next?”

Rian didn’t answer, but simply waved his hand as the world around them changed.

They were in Alex’s old backyard.

Alex’s eyes focused in on his younger self, and a younger Tanner on his tire swing. His younger self was sitting on the swing, with Tanner on his lap. Younger Alex wrapped his arms around Tanner’s waist as Tanner gripped the ropes attached to the tire.

Alex crept closer to listen in.

“Babe, you got a whole music career ahead of you.” Tanner was saying as younger Alex let his head rest against Tanner’s back.

“I know.” His younger self said quietly.

“And Barakat’s probably just going to fuck prostitutes and end up working in a bar or something.”

Alex saw his younger self tense slightly before replying, “I know.”

“So forget about him.”

“I can’t.”

“You gotta try. Look, talking about him isn’t going to help.”

“I know.”

Tanner sighed deeply. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

And just then, his younger self’s head jerked up. Tanner didn’t notice, but Alex did.

Alex followed the gaze of his younger self and saw young Jack behind the tall bushes, mostly hidden from view.

“You’re too nice, Alex. What you did at prom, though. That was good. You have to show him that he doesn’t control you.” Tanner continued.

“You want me to punch him again?” His younger self rolled his eyes, and Alex could practically feel the guilt begin to consume young Alex again.

“No, but the fact that you didn’t give in to his begging and manipulative ways is a good sign.”

Jack’s head poked up a little as he tiptoed, and his eyes locked with young Alex’s.

“If you ever see him again, I want you to tell him that you hate his guts, scream at him, let out all that anger and sadness that he’s pushed upon you for the last few years, and I want you to tell him that you never want to see him again. Okay, Alex? I know it’s hard, but it’ll be for the better. If he knows for sure that you hate him, then him being him, he’ll just hate you back and move on to another chick. Thus, you won’t be tempted to talk to him, since he’ll hate you anyways.”

As Tanner said all this, young Alex stared at Jack, who simply stared back, completely unaware of the harsh words that came out of Tanner’s mouth.

His younger self swallowed. “Okay.” He closed his eyes. “I gotta pee.”

***

Alex followed his younger self as left his house through the side door, and walked around to where Jack sat. He nodded towards his house, motioning for Jack to follow.

His heart was racing as he watched Jack close the door and gave young Alex a look full of hope and fear.

“Alex?” Jack whispered softly, his voice shaking a little. “Alex, I’m sorry.”

His younger self narrowed his eyes. “Save it.”

“Look, I know we’ve been through a lot of shit, and I haven’t always been the greatest best friend, but some of the best moments of my life have been spent with you, and you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose you. I love you, Lex.” Jack whimpered as his eyes began to water. He quickly wiped at his eyes.

Alex felt sick and his chest began to tighten. Jack never cried. The only time he could remember Jack crying was when he told him that he never loved him a couple weeks ago.

He looked at his younger self, who was completely unfazed by Jack’s breakdown. Instead, his eyes grew cold and hard.

“Fuck you, Jack Barakat. Fuck you. You never fucking loved me, and you never fucking cared. I thought that you were my best friend, but a best friend isn’t supposed to hurt his best friend. You hurt me. Countless times. I was always there for you. Always. Now you come running back to me because your whole future is screwed, and I’m not going to be here anymore to help you. You’re a jerk. You’re an absolute jerk!”

Alex closed his eyes as his younger self raised his voice, not wanting to see the tears that fell freely from Jack’s eyes and the fury that his younger self radiated.

“Get out of my house, you asshole. I don’t want to see you again. Ever. Get out of my life!” His younger self screamed. There was no way Tanner could be missing this. “Get out!” Younger Alex took a threatening step forward.

Jack bit his quivering lip and gave young Alex one last longing look before saying, “I’ll go. I’m sorry, and I love you. Always.”

And then he left.

“That’s the last time you saw him before, y’know, when he showed up at the concert.” Alex heard Rian say.

Alex still didn’t open his eyes. He was filled with dread. Filled with regret. There was nothing he wished more than turning back time to this very day, or even to the day not too long ago when he insisted he’d never loved Jack.

Was it too late?