The Mixtape of Hatred

“Alex?” Tanner approached the crying boy slowly, letting his backpack drop to the ground. “Babe, are you okay?”

Alex panicked. He didn’t want Tanner to see him crying, because he had no explanation, but his panicking only caused him to cry harder because of the guilt that built up inside him.

Alex was on his side, curled up, hugging his knees as Tanner sat down on the bed next to him.

“What’s wrong?” Tanner asked gently.

Alex continued to sob, shaking his head. He couldn’t take his mind off of Jack’s letter from the flashback. It occupied his thoughts, not allowing him to form a valid excuse for his crying.

Tanner seemed to understand that he didn’t want to talk about it, and so he crawled onto the bed and lay down behind Alex, wrapping his arms around the boy and holding him.

Alex relaxed a little, but he couldn’t help but wish that it were Jack holding him. He craved Jack. There was no other way to put it. If Jack walked in at that moment, Alex wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from hugging him close. But for now, he had Tanner, and that would have to do.

***

Alex fell asleep. He didn’t know how long he’d cried before falling asleep, but his eyes felt worn out, and his eyelids were slightly swollen. Tanner was still lying beside him, but his arms had relaxed. He was asleep as well.

Alex left a kiss on Tanner’s forehead before gently prying Tanner’s arms from him, and leaving the room. He had to find that note.

He drifted to the side of his room, where his glass cabinet of prized possessions lay. One glance told him it wasn’t there. Of course it wasn’t. He never would’ve placed something so valuable out in the open for everyone – including Tanner – to see.

He left the room in search of the note. He knew that it had to be around somewhere. It’s like when he leaves for vacation and hides all his valuables in case someone breaks in. Then, nobody breaks in, and then he can’t re-find them. He must’ve kept it somewhere nobody would think of looking.

He found himself in his kitchen and frowned. His eyes naturally focused in on his snack cabinet. It was the snack cabinet in which he kept all his favorite foods and didn’t allow anyone else to touch. It was quite a sizeable cabinet, so it wasn’t hidden from sight or anything, but anyone who tried to find anything in it would end up with dozens of red velvet Oreo packages on the floor and empty hands. Everyone except Alex, of course.

Alex sat on the floor and opened the two doors of the corner cabinet. Immediately, he was flooded with red velvet Oreos and boxes of Lucky Charms. He pushed them aside and plunged his upper body into the sea of sugary goods. He squinted in the darkness, and saw a few things in the very corner, at the very back.

He reached forward and grabbed a handful of them, pulling back to emerge from his dive. He blinked to adjust to the light and studied what he had in his hand.

Dust. That was for sure. His hand was covered in a grey layer of little particles, but along with that, a necklace. The chain was cold and the locket heavy. It was the necklace that Tanner had given him for their 6-month anniversary.

Alex loved the necklace, but it didn’t seem to suit him. He figured he’d never wear it, but wanted to keep it safe, and must’ve stashed it back here.

Still, it wasn’t what he was looking for.

Alex shoved himself back into the mass of packaged food and tried again, this time emerging with more dust, and a piece of paper.

He opened the paper as if it was a thousand year old cultural artifact that would crumble at his touch.

He had found it.

He needed to make sure that he remembered the words right, and there they were.

I do promise that if you ever show up on my doorstep, no matter what, I’ll always open the door with a heart full of hope, and I’ll always open the door, still loving you.

Jack may have been a jerk in high school, but a promise is something he always kept.

Alex heard the door open.

His eyes widened and he instantly shoved the note in an open, half-eaten box of Lucky Charms.

He turned around smiling at his boyfriend, who looked down with a confused look upon his face.

“Babe, what the fuck are you doing?” He said, sounding genuinely concerned.

“I was hungry.” Alex replied simply.

Tanner smiled and shook his head. “Oh, Alex.” He saw the necklace. “Hey, I remember that.”

Alex blushed. “Yeah, I might’ve been looking for this, too.”

Tanner laughed, adoring his boyfriend. “You’re my favorite. You keep your possessions hidden in your food cabinet?”

Well, he wasn’t going to do that anymore now that Tanner knew.

Alex shrugged. “It’s nice to have all your favorite things in the same place.” He looked down at the necklace and brushed the dust off of it. “It’s safe here, too. I was afraid of losing this guy, like I lose all my other stuff.”

Tanner kneeled down and kissed the top of Alex’s head. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine now, thanks.” Alex said honestly. He knew that Tanner wanted to know why he was crying earlier, but he hadn’t come up with a decent excuse yet.

“Alright, let me know when you want to talk about it.” Tanner said gently, petting Alex’s head.

***

Alex sat beside his favorite telephone. He didn’t know why he had a favorite telephone, but he did. It was purple and the buttons went meow when you pressed on them.

He punched in Jack’s number and let his finger hover over the green button: the one that went woof!, but he couldn’t do it.

The promise was one that Jack made years ago. There was no guarantee that Jack would want to see him again after all that had happened.

Alex pushed the red button instead, letting the phone go squack, and putting down the receiver.

He didn’t leave, though. He remained sitting beside the telephone, hoping it’d ring and Jack would be on the other end, but no such luck.

He repeated this process over and over. Pushing the buttons to call Jack, but always hitting the red instead of the green.

And little did he know, Tanner stood at the other end of the room, watching Alex fail and fail and fail to call the boy he truly loved.