The Mixtape of Hatred

Alex let himself fall against the wall of the bathroom stall, burying his head into his arm.

“I screwed up. Stop it, Jack. Fuck, fuck, fuck…” He groaned to himself, dreading the buzzing of his phone. He knew that the show wasn’t being live streamed, but soon enough the videos and tweets would be flying through the internet, and Tanner would be demanding answers.

Alex heard someone enter the bathroom. He sniffed and tried to be as quiet as he could, hoping that the person would go away.

“Alex?”

It was Rian.

Honestly, Alex didn’t really want to talk to anyone yet. He wanted to calm down first, but how could he turn down one of his closest friends?

He sighed deeply and unlocked the door, tapping it open with his foot.

“Hey, Ri.” Alex muttered miserably. “Sorry.”

Rian ran forward and attacked Alex with a hug. “Hey! No, no. I’m just glad you’re okay. Nobody saw where you went after you left the stage. We’ve been looking for you. Zack just called security to ask if anyone had seen you.”

Alex smiled just the slightest at how much his touring band cared for him. Even though Zack and Matt were constantly attached at the lips, and even though Rian spent too much time checking his teeth out in the mirror and instagramming, they’d always be here for him. Sometimes, he felt like he trusted them more than he trusted his boyfriend.

“Is everything okay, though?” Rian asked, trying to study Alex’s expression.

Alex looked away, knowing that his face was probably reflecting all of his emotions. “Yeah, I’m fine. I don’t really know what happened back there.”

“We’ll talk it out,” Rian said assuring. “First, let’s get out of this bathroom and let the others know you’re alright.”

Alex nodded, and followed Rian out of the bathroom. As soon as they left the bathroom, they made a run for the privacy of the band’s dressing room. Thankfully, it was empty.

Rian locked the door behind them and texted Zack, who would most certainly be with Matt anyways.

“Alright,” Rian took a seat on their couch and motioned for Alex to join him. Alex sat sideways on Rian’s lap and rested his body against Rian’s. It wasn’t anything suggestive. They were just naturally comfortable with each other.

“What’s up, Lex? Has something happened with you and your overly attached boyfriend?” Rian asked, rocking Alex back and forth slightly.

Alex shook his head.

“Then what is it? You sang about a boy. Who was it?” Rian asked gently.

Alex hesitated. “Um, Tanner.” He said, knowing instantly that it was an obvious lie.

Rian rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Uh-huh. Sure.” He said sarcastically.

“It was!”

“Alex, I know you. You don’t want to marry Tanner.”

“Well maybe I do. Maybe I even have the ring picked out and everything. It’ll be an 8-karat brilliant cut engagement ring, and at the wedding I’ll be in a, um, purple dress with ruffles and uh, sapphires and I’ll dye my hair orange.”

“Alex,” Rian laughed again. “You’re adorable, but if you were going to engage to your boyfriend,” He rolled his eyes. “You’d tell me first.”

Alex opened his mouth to protest, but closed it again when he realized that Rian, as usual, was right. He groaned and rested against Rian’s chest.

“Damn it, Ri.” Alex muttered.

Rian didn’t respond. Instead, he patiently waited for Alex to confirm his suspicions.

When Alex remained remained silent, Rian whispered, “Barakat.”

Alex flinched and sat up as if Rian has just pinched his butt. “What?”

“You just whispered Barakat.” Rian lied.

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Well, fuck.” Alex sighed deeply. “I didn’t mean to. Man, I gotta pay more attention to accidentally speaking my thoughts.”

Rian attempted to keep his mouth straight and his face blank.

It didn’t work.

Alex glanced back at Rian, who felt his mouth twitch slightly.

“Rian!” Alex gasped out, his mouth breaking into a huge grin. “Oh my god, you fucking idiot! I hate you!” He jumped up and grabbed the thing closest to him – a piece of paper – and violently tried to throw it at Rian. The piece of paper fluttered back and landed on Alex’s foot.

Rian couldn’t help laughing either, at this point. “It worked, though!”

“I’m so mad at your right now.” Alex said jokingly, crossing his arms and facing away from Rian.

“Aw c’mon. I’ll make it up to you, with chocolate.”

Alex’s eyes lit up. “Chocolate? Make it lots of chocolate. Mint chocolate.”

Rian raised his eyebrow. “Fine. Lots of mint chocolate. Now talk to me.”

Alex glanced at the door, slightly paranoid that their conversation would be overheard, and reluctantly sat down beside Rian.

“I don’t really know what there is to say.” Alex began truthfully. “Before I left for tour, Tanner and I were looking through yearbooks, and I couldn’t help noticing, uh, him.” He shrugged. “On stage, I was just singing and then there he was in my head, running through my dreams like he always used to.”

Rian sighed deeply. “Damn it. That guy was such a jerk to you, though.”

Alex looked down at his hands as he fiddled with thin air. “No he wasn’t.” Alex muttered, remembering all the times Jack had been a sweetheart to him. The time Jack asked him to watch the premiere of Frozen with him; the time Jack took him to see the semi-final NFL game; the time Jack insisted on driving Alex home (which was down the road) because it was lightly snowing out; the time Jack showed up at Alex’s doorstep with mint chocolate and Ferrero Rochers because Alex was feeling gloomy and sick, etcetera.

“Oh yeah? What about the time he invited you to hang out with him and didn’t show up? What about the time he took you to a club, got you drunk, and then ditched you? What about the fact that he only sat with you at lunch to copy your homework?” Rian snapped.

Alex shook his head and stomped angrily, completely fueled up and overwhelmed with the flood of emotions running through his veins.

“Shut the fuck up, Rian!” He yelled out, suddenly disrupting the quiet and calmness of the room. “You don’t know everything that happened. You weren’t there for all of it, so shut up.” He dropped to his knees and hung his head, punching the ground repetitively.

Instantly, as if it’d been waiting for Alex to break down, Alex’s phone began to sing with a familiar ringtone, customized specifically for the one and only: Tanner Anderson.

Alex sat back and shoved his hand in his pocket, yanking his phone out and blindly hitting where he thought the red button was.

“Babe! I heard about what happened tonight. Is everything okay? Do you need to come home?” Tanner spoke with urgency.

“Tanner, fuck off!” Alex screamed, suddenly realizing that his vision had completely blurred out. He threw the phone across the room, accidentally hitting Rian’s chest with it.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Rian whispered soothingly, gently moving forward to wrap his muscular arms around Alex.

Over and over he whispered, “I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.”

Eventually, Alex, who a layer of dried tears resting over his cheeks, fell asleep with Rian still softly speaking to him.