Stay

We met at a show. I remember asking over the phone that night what we would do if one day we met again at a concert. It killed me to even think of that, how horrible it would be to stay in the same room as him, and not be able to talk to him, just stare sadly from across the venue.

"Why don't you ever just open up with me? It's like there's no affection, there never was any at all."

"Why are you being so horrible to me? There's no affection? How could you ever say that, Jack? I don't open up because you don't talk to me! You're never happy with me and you... how can I open up if you won't do the same for me?"

I thought I could handle this, but I always think I'm stronger than I am. My mom always told me my eyes were bigger than my stomach. Now I guess my head is bigger than my heart.

"It's so hard to be happy Alex, I'm sorry. I'm taking my meds and I'm really trying but it's too difficult."

"Too difficult? You're really saying it's too difficult? Just being with you is fucking difficult for me but that doesn't mean I don't fucking give it my best anyway! It's like you're not even making an effort! Can't you at least try, Jack? Try to learn to be happy?"

"I've been trying, for so long now. It's just not working. You're the only thing that makes me happy anymore. I'm sorry that's the way it is."

Today, I tried listening to the rain pouring outside. But when I opened my window, the AC unit right by my room started up, and I couldn't even hear it hit the sidewalk. It reminded me of him, of how what should have been such a simple, easy thing - loving him - was made so difficult and stupid.

It made me angry. Not full on rage, but more frustration, pissed off. Like when you bite your tongue; it makes you mad, because speaking is so easy and your tongue has never gotten in the way before. Why now? How did you manage to fuck up so simply? Such an easy task is ruined and interrupted by the blood filling your mouth and the insistent pain spreading on your tongue.

Such a good thing with him, fucked up. He's the bitter blood that I spit out scornfully, that stains my tongue and teeth when I just wanted everything to work out fine.

"How could you... please don't say that to me. I-I can't handle that, Jack! If I'm the only thing you can rely on to bring you happiness then what the hell am I supposed to do when one day I fail at that, huh? What if one day we go through this again and we break up? I'll be gone and your happiness will be gone- there'll be so much guilt, I can't deal with that. It's not fair to push it all on me."

"Well what the hell else do you want me to, Alex? I'm sorry that bringing me joy is too much work for you!"

"I didn't say that, you know I didn't say that-,"

"But it's what you meant, isn't it. I'm sorry that just loving me isn't enough, that things are made harder for you because I'm a fucking wreck."

I have a voicemail from after we were out to get ice cream one day- I thought I lost my phone so he was calling it to try and find it in my room. It ended up just being in his car. I still listen to it, even when he's gone. We were both acting so stupid in it, I can hear myself in the background talking to him. You can just hear it in my voice how much I love him.

"Jack, you're so fucking stupid! That isn't what I meant!"

I visited the woods at the end of the road, where we always used to go. For some reason it seemed that there would be the best place to move on, forget about him. I was doing decently, pushing away the memories so far. But when I ended up at our favorite spot, I saw a stump where the tallest tree used to stand. I forgot that it had been cut down over a year ago. All the memories, everything I'd been shutting out came flooding in so fast, so hard. Forgetting couldn't work. Nothing was going to work.

"You're just... you're leaning all of your happiness on me and that's too much pressure."

"But then why are you leaving me? If you know I'll be hopeless without you, why won't you just stay?”

"Because I don't want to end up leaving again one day and know that I'll be killing you when I say goodbye. S-so I'm letting you kill me now instead."

"I just... It's so hard for me to be happy, I'm sorry, but I don't even want to be happy. All I know is that you are all I want. You're everything I could ever want and I don't need anything else."

"Jesus, Jack... maybe you don't want it, but I do. Can't you just try and fix yourself for me?"

The sink still leaks. He always told me he'd fix it, and he never got around to it. If I can't rely on him to fix the broken sink that constantly drips then how can I rely on him to fix himself when he's constantly depressed?

"I didn't think you'd ever want me to change myself for you."

"Jack, you can't just keep twisting my words! What the hell do you want from me?"

"I want you to stay with me! Stop being like this and just stay!"

"I-I can't do this, Jack. You... this is too much. I think this has to be it."

In a perfect world, we could just live through these problems, or maybe they wouldn't even be here at all. But they are here, and I can't just pretend everything's okay. I can't just promise myself he'll change and accept him back if he's not ever going to be happy without me.

I texted him later saying I was sorry for texting, that I should just stay away, but I couldn't. I had a need to talk to him. I suggested we just start from the beginning as friends and work our way towards a relationship again. Maybe it'd work the second time around. Maybe just being friends would give him time to find other things that made him happy. He texted back saying he was drunk. And that being friends sounded horrible. Or maybe not- his head was too fucked up to make anything solid. All he could think right then was that he wanted me, so badly.

"Please, you can't do this to me. I love you."

I wanted him so fucking badly, too.

"I love you too but this is so hard. And I know I'm the world's biggest hypocrite but you have to know that I have problems too and I'm not cut out to deal with this- to deal with you."

When we would talk on the phone together, and one of us would fall asleep, we'd stay on the phone, because we liked to sleep together, even if through a call. And I remember once I woke up because I'd had a nightmare, and I just kept saying, "Jack, Jack," to get him up. He stayed up with me and talked to me because I was scared and upset. We never wanted to end those phone calls. We couldn't even end phone calls... how the hell did we end our entire relationship?

I'm scared and upset again but he isn't here this time around. I keep crying, "Jack, Jack," but no one's around to hear me. He's gone- us, we are gone.

"But where will I go without you? You're everything I've ever known, how can you expect me to drop my whole life on the ground just like that?"

"I don't know, Jack, but I just know this has to end. There's too many problems here, we never talk and you say there's no affection, and... What else is left for us to do?"

"You're everything, Alex. I can't have today be the last time I see you, be with you."

"I'm so fucking sorry, Jack. I don't want this to happen, I'm sorry. But this has to be over."

When we talked on the phone every night, and he said goodnight, I'd always have him repeat it over and over, because I loved the way it sounded. I loved to hear his voice even when it was saying goodbye. But when we were talking that night, and I said it was done, I asked him to say one last thing to me before he hung up.

"Goodnight." He said, and I could hear him fighting back tears. I've never seen him cry in the eight years that I've known him.

"I love you." I said back. and the line went dead. I wish I would've asked him to say it again.