Frank Iero: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Chapter Six: Frequently Asked Questions
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: After spending the day with a MIKEY WAY unit, my FRANK IERO repeatedly tries to jam his fork into a toaster. How can I stop this before he injures himself?
A: Replace all forks with plastic counterparts until he becomes bored and is distracted by something else. If you smell burning plastic because he still tried to put a plastic fork in the toaster, quickly unplug the toaster before it catches fire. If you are unable to stop the toaster from catching fire…well, we suggest you try to save the guitars first.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit often gets cranky because he cannot reach certain things on the higher shelves. I don't have enough money to renovate my house, and there are no lower cabinets. What do I do?
A: You know those little carpet-covered staircases made for really old pets who can’t climb up on the bed anymore? You might want to consider investing in a few of those. Or perhaps buy your FRANK IERO a pair of platform shoes from the ’70s.
Q: I've woken up many times to find that my FRANK IERO unit is nowhere to be found. After spending many hours in distress, looking for him, I get a call from my friend who is an owner of the GERARD WAY unit, informing me that she found my FRANK IERO unit sleeping next to her GERARD WAY unit when she woke up. How can I fix this?
A: It appears that your FRANK IERO has been having nightmares of some sort. He knows the GERARD WAY unit suffered similar stress while they were in storage at the Paramour warehouse and thought no one else would understand. If he doesn’t get better within a week or so, you may want to consider buying a small stuffed version of the GERARD WAY. We don’t recommend purchasing your own GERARD WAY in this situation, as your FRANK IERO could become quite confused as to why there are two versions of his best friend running around.
Q: I recently made the mistake of giving my FRANK IERO unit a tube of super glue to hold while I was repairing a birdhouse he smashed. He has now managed to glue himself to my ceiling, with a number of inanimate objects (and my birdhouse) attached to his clothes. How do I get him down?
A: First, place two ladders beneath your FRANK IERO and cover them with pillows. Apply a small amount of acetone-based nail polish remover to wherever the glue has adhered him to the ceiling; he will fall safely onto the pillows, where you can remove whatever strange objects he has managed to attach to himself. It may discolor his clothing if you leave it on for too long, and be sure to thoroughly bathe your FRANK IERO to keep the acetone from harming his skin. If you wish to punish him for being so careless, you could always glue the birdhouse to his head and put him outside for a day. Please note that he will require excessive showering after this.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit is currently running around my house yelling after just being showered, and he refuses to put clothes on. He also has my video camera in hand and has located my laptop. I am afraid my unit could be responsible for the deaths of quite a few fans if the video makes it to Youtube. What should I do?
A: You need to find some way to distract your FRANK IERO so you can administer a sedative to calm him down. Any kind of unusual, shiny, or edible object will serve as a distraction. Give him a small dose of warm milk to sedate him (you may need to pair it with cookies so he will take the bait). Do not worry if he passes out; once he wakes up, this malfunction should be erased from his memory and should not happen again, and he will function normally.
Q: I caught my FRANK IERO unit cutting large holes in the jeans of my friend’s GERARD WAY unit while they weren’t home. What do I do?
A: Your FRANK IERO is likely planning to use the scraps for wrapping paper for a present for the GERARD WAY. He has been known to perform this action before. If the damage is too extensive to repair, do not try to replace the jeans; the GERARD WAY could become worried and panic, which you certainly do not want to happen. Instead, calmly explain that the FRANK IERO was only trying to do something nice for the GERARD WAY, and he will likely accept what the FRANK IERO has done without too much freaking out.
Q: I work at a local funeral home, and cannot leave my FRANK IERO unit at home alone so I take him with me. Recently, I have caught him sleeping in the coffins. What should I do?
A: As long as they are not already occupied, he should be fine.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit has annoyed the BOB BRYAR unit to the point of near-insanity and continues to poke at him, not listening to my attempts to stop before the BOB BRYAR injures someone. What should I do?
A: Call 911 in advance.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit keeps stealing my mother’s makeup. What do I do?
A: Perhaps consider buying him his own makeup.
Q: After spending the day with a MIKEY WAY unit, my FRANK IERO repeatedly tries to jam his fork into a toaster. How can I stop this before he injures himself?
A: Replace all forks with plastic counterparts until he becomes bored and is distracted by something else. If you smell burning plastic because he still tried to put a plastic fork in the toaster, quickly unplug the toaster before it catches fire. If you are unable to stop the toaster from catching fire…well, we suggest you try to save the guitars first.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit often gets cranky because he cannot reach certain things on the higher shelves. I don't have enough money to renovate my house, and there are no lower cabinets. What do I do?
A: You know those little carpet-covered staircases made for really old pets who can’t climb up on the bed anymore? You might want to consider investing in a few of those. Or perhaps buy your FRANK IERO a pair of platform shoes from the ’70s.
Q: I've woken up many times to find that my FRANK IERO unit is nowhere to be found. After spending many hours in distress, looking for him, I get a call from my friend who is an owner of the GERARD WAY unit, informing me that she found my FRANK IERO unit sleeping next to her GERARD WAY unit when she woke up. How can I fix this?
A: It appears that your FRANK IERO has been having nightmares of some sort. He knows the GERARD WAY unit suffered similar stress while they were in storage at the Paramour warehouse and thought no one else would understand. If he doesn’t get better within a week or so, you may want to consider buying a small stuffed version of the GERARD WAY. We don’t recommend purchasing your own GERARD WAY in this situation, as your FRANK IERO could become quite confused as to why there are two versions of his best friend running around.
Q: I recently made the mistake of giving my FRANK IERO unit a tube of super glue to hold while I was repairing a birdhouse he smashed. He has now managed to glue himself to my ceiling, with a number of inanimate objects (and my birdhouse) attached to his clothes. How do I get him down?
A: First, place two ladders beneath your FRANK IERO and cover them with pillows. Apply a small amount of acetone-based nail polish remover to wherever the glue has adhered him to the ceiling; he will fall safely onto the pillows, where you can remove whatever strange objects he has managed to attach to himself. It may discolor his clothing if you leave it on for too long, and be sure to thoroughly bathe your FRANK IERO to keep the acetone from harming his skin. If you wish to punish him for being so careless, you could always glue the birdhouse to his head and put him outside for a day. Please note that he will require excessive showering after this.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit is currently running around my house yelling after just being showered, and he refuses to put clothes on. He also has my video camera in hand and has located my laptop. I am afraid my unit could be responsible for the deaths of quite a few fans if the video makes it to Youtube. What should I do?
A: You need to find some way to distract your FRANK IERO so you can administer a sedative to calm him down. Any kind of unusual, shiny, or edible object will serve as a distraction. Give him a small dose of warm milk to sedate him (you may need to pair it with cookies so he will take the bait). Do not worry if he passes out; once he wakes up, this malfunction should be erased from his memory and should not happen again, and he will function normally.
Q: I caught my FRANK IERO unit cutting large holes in the jeans of my friend’s GERARD WAY unit while they weren’t home. What do I do?
A: Your FRANK IERO is likely planning to use the scraps for wrapping paper for a present for the GERARD WAY. He has been known to perform this action before. If the damage is too extensive to repair, do not try to replace the jeans; the GERARD WAY could become worried and panic, which you certainly do not want to happen. Instead, calmly explain that the FRANK IERO was only trying to do something nice for the GERARD WAY, and he will likely accept what the FRANK IERO has done without too much freaking out.
Q: I work at a local funeral home, and cannot leave my FRANK IERO unit at home alone so I take him with me. Recently, I have caught him sleeping in the coffins. What should I do?
A: As long as they are not already occupied, he should be fine.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit has annoyed the BOB BRYAR unit to the point of near-insanity and continues to poke at him, not listening to my attempts to stop before the BOB BRYAR injures someone. What should I do?
A: Call 911 in advance.
Q: My FRANK IERO unit keeps stealing my mother’s makeup. What do I do?
A: Perhaps consider buying him his own makeup.