A Passion Crime to Take What's Mine
Show Me How Bleeding Hearts Still Pound
Andy’s P.O.V:
“Hey” Ashley said, startling me; I didn’t think he would want to acknowledge me, let alone speak to me.
“Hi… are you okay?” I ask, my heart beating in my throat,
“Yeah, well kind of, but it’s okay, you?”
“Yeah, I’m the same really,” shit this conversation was so awkward. Neither of us knowing what to say, it would have been easier if we didn’t speak at all. I dropped my gaze to my lap. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see he opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again, thinking better of it. I wish I knew what to say.
“Where did you… err… stay last night?” he asked, cautious.
“I stayed with Jinxx and Sammi, and yourself?” damn, I hate when I’m nervous because I string all of my words into one breathy barely audible sentence.
“I stayed and my Grandma’s…” he trailed off “I hate this” he breathed to himself, probably thinking I couldn’t hear him.
“Y-you hate me? Or is it the situation?” I stutter, suddenly worried that he was just talking to me, merely because he had to. A tear rolled from my eye as he stared at me for a second then looked away, almost as if seeing me hurt him again. I open my mouth to ask him again but was cut short,
“Good morning passengers, this is your hostess speaking and I will be joining you with your flight to London…” Oh perfect, we would get the one with the high pitched squeaky voice.
I swear the plane must be flying slower than it ever has before; it takes long enough to get to England every time, but today it just feels as though it is taking even longer, almost as though they want to torture us by making Ash and I sit together for longer that what was required. Oh well, at least Ash and I spoke a little bit, but it was all wrong. We shouldn’t be sat awkwardly next to each other, panicking about what to say, he should be sat here, in my arms, as we talk endlessly through the flight.
“Are you looking forward to the tour?” I ask, hoping to be able to start another conversation.
“Yeah, I love touring, you?” he spoke, but a hint of sarcasm was evident in his wobbling voice. He obviously loves touring just as long as I wasn’t here, right now.
“Yeah, I’m glad to be back,” I mutter, looking at the seat in front of me, and feeling incredibly awkward. I looked across the aisle to see Jake and Jinxx laughing and having fun together, damn. Why couldn’t Ash and I be like that again? Is it always going to be like this?
It had been quite a while since Ash and I last spoke, because the hostess announced our arrival would be in an hour. I internally cheered when she said that because it meant I only had to spend one more hour sat with Ash. I think he had fallen asleep, either that or he had put headphones in, but either way, he was blanking me. A stab of pain made its icy way through my heart every time I looked at Ash, because I couldn’t help be wish he still loved me, still wanted to hold me close and kiss me. Surely he couldn’t have just switched his feelings off so quickly? But what if he has? Does that mean the last five years of my life have to end so abruptly without allowing me to say goodbye to the one I love? Surely that couldn’t be fair! But then again, since when was life fair?
A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I focused my attention on my lap again. I’ve noticed now that whenever I am upset or feeling awkward, my default position is to hold my hands in my lap and stare down at them, biting on my lip ring. The tear dropped from my cheeks, splashing onto my hand, splattering its salty bitterness onto my trousers. Stop it, Andy, you always cry too easily; there’s no wonder Ash hates you; you are such a big cry-baby. I put in my music, hoping for something awesome to come on, but sadly The Mortician’s Daughter came on, and pulling my headphones up, they unplug from iPod just as it, I, started singing, No dust will ever grow on this frame, one million years and I will say your name, I love you more than I can ever scream. Perfect, thanks a lot for that, now Ash will think that I am trying to annoy him and get him back. Yeah, I do want him back, but I don’t think he wants me back, so I didn’t want to pull any tricks like that; it could just wreck our already tattered relationship. Glancing up to apologise to Ash, I saw a faint smile dancing across his full lips, and a pained expression in his eyes. Now I am just more confused than ever. What did that look mean? Could he be missing me as well? No, shut up, Andy, you are just going to end up hurting yourself again! You over think everything; there is no surprise that Ash must find you annoying! Sharply, I turned my head to Jinxx and Jake, hoping their happiness would block out my own emptiness.
“Welcome to London, you may now get off the plane” the annoyingly high pitched hostess called, and immediately everybody on the plane stood up. I looked around to see if anyone from the band had stood up; they hadn’t. I remained seated too. It’s not like I would have been able to get off straight away, anyway, because that was the intention of so many other people too. I looked over to Ash, who was just staring at me; I guess he must be really pissed off that I stayed sat down and trapped him in.
Eventually, when the crowd cleared and we were able to get out of the plane, I stood up, turning to Ash,
“You ready?” I say, sounding a lot more confident to talk to him than I actually was. A smile pricked up at his face, as he nodded. Good, hopefully he isn’t too annoyed with me. Once we were all off the plane, the next thing we had to do was find our stuff and get it on the bus. This shouldn’t be too tricky for me because last year Ash and I painted Batman and Hello Kitty onto out suitcases so it was easy to tell them apart from everyone else’s. A soft smile warmed my face as I thought about the memory, when Ash and I were painting our suitcases, and how he managed to get pain on his nose and ears, even to this day we are unsure of how that happened.
“What are you smiling at?” Said ash timidly, making my heart melt for him yet again. I wish I could tell him how much he means to me still.
“Oh, nothing… just... our cases,” I managed to say, turning bright red; something that ash soon followed suit in. Aw, I love it when he blushes.
We all grabbed our cases; Ashley’s and mine being the easiest to spot, and made our way outside.
“Jon, where’s the bus?” CC asked the question we were all thinking. We were outside but where the fuck was our bus, normally it would be waiting for us.
“Err… give me a second,” he said, hurriedly scrolling through the messages on his phone. “Guys, walk with me to the end of the road, and then the bus will meet us there,” he said, finally. Picking our cases back up, we made our way slowly out of the airport. The guys seem to like making it awkward, because they stood shoulder to shoulder, cramping Ash and I together.
“Err… guys… where are we playing first?” Ash spoke up, and Jake turned around to face him, glowering at him for a moment before composing himself.
“London. We are playing in London first” he seemed pissed off with Ash, and that hurt me a lot. I wanted to grab Jake and ask him what the hell he was doing. I don’t care what happened, but I can’t have him being harsh to Ash; I still love him. Ash cowered a bit, and we waked in silence, barely looking up from the floor as everyone spoke amongst themselves. Ugh, could this get more awkward? Apparently it could. When the bus arrived, we all hopped on, putting our stuff on our beds. That’s when I remembered that I no longer have a bed; I’ve been sharing Ash’ for the last 4 years and now I need to claim one again. By the time I got into the room, behind everyone else, the only bed left to claim was my original one. My bed as the one opposite Ashley’s, so now I have a constant reminder of it from the second I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. And if my dreams are like last nights, it will visit me in my sleep again too.
Putting my case at the back of the bus, I went to my bunk, instead of speaking to the guys. Hurt by the thought that I can no longer sleep next to Ash, yet I have to sleep in the same room as him, I slid under the covers and pull my pillow down to lie it next to me. I rest my head on the pillow and hug it, imagining it is Ash, and that I am lying down, next to him, hugging him. I know I can’t do that anymore, and imagining it will just make things worse, but, hey, what could one day like this really do? One last, aching tear dribbles down my cheek as I close my eyes, allowing the thoughts of Ash to consume me in my dreams.
“Hey” Ashley said, startling me; I didn’t think he would want to acknowledge me, let alone speak to me.
“Hi… are you okay?” I ask, my heart beating in my throat,
“Yeah, well kind of, but it’s okay, you?”
“Yeah, I’m the same really,” shit this conversation was so awkward. Neither of us knowing what to say, it would have been easier if we didn’t speak at all. I dropped my gaze to my lap. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see he opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again, thinking better of it. I wish I knew what to say.
“Where did you… err… stay last night?” he asked, cautious.
“I stayed with Jinxx and Sammi, and yourself?” damn, I hate when I’m nervous because I string all of my words into one breathy barely audible sentence.
“I stayed and my Grandma’s…” he trailed off “I hate this” he breathed to himself, probably thinking I couldn’t hear him.
“Y-you hate me? Or is it the situation?” I stutter, suddenly worried that he was just talking to me, merely because he had to. A tear rolled from my eye as he stared at me for a second then looked away, almost as if seeing me hurt him again. I open my mouth to ask him again but was cut short,
“Good morning passengers, this is your hostess speaking and I will be joining you with your flight to London…” Oh perfect, we would get the one with the high pitched squeaky voice.
I swear the plane must be flying slower than it ever has before; it takes long enough to get to England every time, but today it just feels as though it is taking even longer, almost as though they want to torture us by making Ash and I sit together for longer that what was required. Oh well, at least Ash and I spoke a little bit, but it was all wrong. We shouldn’t be sat awkwardly next to each other, panicking about what to say, he should be sat here, in my arms, as we talk endlessly through the flight.
“Are you looking forward to the tour?” I ask, hoping to be able to start another conversation.
“Yeah, I love touring, you?” he spoke, but a hint of sarcasm was evident in his wobbling voice. He obviously loves touring just as long as I wasn’t here, right now.
“Yeah, I’m glad to be back,” I mutter, looking at the seat in front of me, and feeling incredibly awkward. I looked across the aisle to see Jake and Jinxx laughing and having fun together, damn. Why couldn’t Ash and I be like that again? Is it always going to be like this?
It had been quite a while since Ash and I last spoke, because the hostess announced our arrival would be in an hour. I internally cheered when she said that because it meant I only had to spend one more hour sat with Ash. I think he had fallen asleep, either that or he had put headphones in, but either way, he was blanking me. A stab of pain made its icy way through my heart every time I looked at Ash, because I couldn’t help be wish he still loved me, still wanted to hold me close and kiss me. Surely he couldn’t have just switched his feelings off so quickly? But what if he has? Does that mean the last five years of my life have to end so abruptly without allowing me to say goodbye to the one I love? Surely that couldn’t be fair! But then again, since when was life fair?
A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I focused my attention on my lap again. I’ve noticed now that whenever I am upset or feeling awkward, my default position is to hold my hands in my lap and stare down at them, biting on my lip ring. The tear dropped from my cheeks, splashing onto my hand, splattering its salty bitterness onto my trousers. Stop it, Andy, you always cry too easily; there’s no wonder Ash hates you; you are such a big cry-baby. I put in my music, hoping for something awesome to come on, but sadly The Mortician’s Daughter came on, and pulling my headphones up, they unplug from iPod just as it, I, started singing, No dust will ever grow on this frame, one million years and I will say your name, I love you more than I can ever scream. Perfect, thanks a lot for that, now Ash will think that I am trying to annoy him and get him back. Yeah, I do want him back, but I don’t think he wants me back, so I didn’t want to pull any tricks like that; it could just wreck our already tattered relationship. Glancing up to apologise to Ash, I saw a faint smile dancing across his full lips, and a pained expression in his eyes. Now I am just more confused than ever. What did that look mean? Could he be missing me as well? No, shut up, Andy, you are just going to end up hurting yourself again! You over think everything; there is no surprise that Ash must find you annoying! Sharply, I turned my head to Jinxx and Jake, hoping their happiness would block out my own emptiness.
“Welcome to London, you may now get off the plane” the annoyingly high pitched hostess called, and immediately everybody on the plane stood up. I looked around to see if anyone from the band had stood up; they hadn’t. I remained seated too. It’s not like I would have been able to get off straight away, anyway, because that was the intention of so many other people too. I looked over to Ash, who was just staring at me; I guess he must be really pissed off that I stayed sat down and trapped him in.
Eventually, when the crowd cleared and we were able to get out of the plane, I stood up, turning to Ash,
“You ready?” I say, sounding a lot more confident to talk to him than I actually was. A smile pricked up at his face, as he nodded. Good, hopefully he isn’t too annoyed with me. Once we were all off the plane, the next thing we had to do was find our stuff and get it on the bus. This shouldn’t be too tricky for me because last year Ash and I painted Batman and Hello Kitty onto out suitcases so it was easy to tell them apart from everyone else’s. A soft smile warmed my face as I thought about the memory, when Ash and I were painting our suitcases, and how he managed to get pain on his nose and ears, even to this day we are unsure of how that happened.
“What are you smiling at?” Said ash timidly, making my heart melt for him yet again. I wish I could tell him how much he means to me still.
“Oh, nothing… just... our cases,” I managed to say, turning bright red; something that ash soon followed suit in. Aw, I love it when he blushes.
We all grabbed our cases; Ashley’s and mine being the easiest to spot, and made our way outside.
“Jon, where’s the bus?” CC asked the question we were all thinking. We were outside but where the fuck was our bus, normally it would be waiting for us.
“Err… give me a second,” he said, hurriedly scrolling through the messages on his phone. “Guys, walk with me to the end of the road, and then the bus will meet us there,” he said, finally. Picking our cases back up, we made our way slowly out of the airport. The guys seem to like making it awkward, because they stood shoulder to shoulder, cramping Ash and I together.
“Err… guys… where are we playing first?” Ash spoke up, and Jake turned around to face him, glowering at him for a moment before composing himself.
“London. We are playing in London first” he seemed pissed off with Ash, and that hurt me a lot. I wanted to grab Jake and ask him what the hell he was doing. I don’t care what happened, but I can’t have him being harsh to Ash; I still love him. Ash cowered a bit, and we waked in silence, barely looking up from the floor as everyone spoke amongst themselves. Ugh, could this get more awkward? Apparently it could. When the bus arrived, we all hopped on, putting our stuff on our beds. That’s when I remembered that I no longer have a bed; I’ve been sharing Ash’ for the last 4 years and now I need to claim one again. By the time I got into the room, behind everyone else, the only bed left to claim was my original one. My bed as the one opposite Ashley’s, so now I have a constant reminder of it from the second I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. And if my dreams are like last nights, it will visit me in my sleep again too.
Putting my case at the back of the bus, I went to my bunk, instead of speaking to the guys. Hurt by the thought that I can no longer sleep next to Ash, yet I have to sleep in the same room as him, I slid under the covers and pull my pillow down to lie it next to me. I rest my head on the pillow and hug it, imagining it is Ash, and that I am lying down, next to him, hugging him. I know I can’t do that anymore, and imagining it will just make things worse, but, hey, what could one day like this really do? One last, aching tear dribbles down my cheek as I close my eyes, allowing the thoughts of Ash to consume me in my dreams.