Lead Me Through Darkness

"Jenna! Come down stairs and eat some breakfast! I refuse to have you starve yourself," My mom cried from the kitchen.

"Coming!" I called, running up the stairs from my room in the basement.

I walked into the kitchen. It was practically spotless, besides the plates on the island. My little sister, Lainey, waved at me from her spot at the island.

"Mom? Is everything okay?" I asked, she only cleaned when she was upset, and she had cleaned big-time today.

"Yes Jenna, I'm perfectly okay," she smiled warmly at me from her station by the stove.

I picked up a pancake and eyed it suspiciously, "what's this?" I asked.

"A pancake, Jenna. Haven't you ever seen one before?" My mom said, like she was talking to a crazy person.

"Not in this house, and especially not at breakfast time," I said, shaking my head and dropping the pancake onto a plate.

"They're yummy, Jenna!" Lainey announced, happily.

She was never one to question pancakes. I wished I could've been more like her, so carefree and happy. Not worrying
about the how and why, just saying cool, and going with he flow. I ate half a pancake with syrup and ran out the door of the house. A black mustang convertible with blue flames, waited in the driveway. I smiled at the sandy blonde haired boy in the driver's seat. I walked over to the car and through my bag in the passenger's seat. I opened the door and hopped in.

"Hi Matt," I said cheerily.

"Hey, what do you think of the knew paint job?" Matt asked as he backed out of the driveway.

"You mean compared to the bright orange, rust covered, piece of crap it was before? I love it," I replied, smiling.

"Well I aim to please," Matt said, stopping at a stop sign and looking at me with a silly grin.

He always made the weirdest faces when he said something that could be taken sexually, like he was uncomfortable. I, on the other hand, was really open about that stuff, and completely comfortable with making sexual jokes.

"You must be really bad at sports," I smiled, wickedly, "cause your aim's way off."

"Hey!" Matt yelled, and pushed me playfully.

I pushed him back and jumped out of the car, which was now parked in the school parking lot.

The day went by just like any other, but when I got home, the normalness ended.

I walked into the house, my arm linked with Matt's, and us laughing our heads off about something Mr. Afferton said. When we got into the house, it was eerily quite. I turned to Matt, worried. He shrugged and pulled me into the living room. When we got in there, I instantly wanted to run back out. My mom was sitting with her back against the wall. She was clutching a letter in her hand, and the mail man was standing there looking frightened. I walked cautiously over to her.

"Mom?" I asked, scared out of my mind.

She looked up at me, fear in her eyes. I reached out my hand and she gave me the paper. I looked it over and stood there, shocked.

'Dear Jenna,
Carter has died. As you know, he was in a car accident on Friday the 22. The surgery was scheduled for today (Sunday the 24) at 3:00 unfortunately it was unsuccessful. We know how much you loved him. We are so sorry, and hope that you can make it to the funeral in Charlotte on Wednesday.
-Love, the Raspen family.'

After a few minutes of silence, I collapsed, Matt caught me, and I cried into his arms.

"Shh shh," Matt whispered, softly in my ear.

He held me like that for hours. My mom and the mail man had left, and I sat there, crying until I fell asleep. Matt carried
me down the stairs to my room, and gently laid me on my bed.

When I awoke in the morning, Matt was still there, affirming my realization that it hadn't been a dream, just by his presence. I sat up and climbed out of my bed, being careful not to wake Matt. As I reached the door to my room, I heard

Matt say quietly, "I'm sorry."

I nodded, without turning around, and walked out the door.

Matt and I spent every night together for the rest of the week. He drove me to the funeral; it was a three hour drive from Wilmington to Charlotte. I talked to Carter's parents and they offered me comfort, even though I could tell they needed it more than me. I was his girlfriend, and had known him for three years, but they were his parents, they'd known him his whole life, they'd raised him. Nothing seemed fair. Nothing seemed right.

"I should have been there," I said for the hundredth time.

"Jenna, snap out of it. You spent as much time with him as you could. That drunk driver hit him, and that's all there is to it. You couldn't have done anything," Matt said, stroking my hair, like he had every night since I found out Carter was dead.

"But if-" I started, but Matt cut me off.

"It wouldn't have helped," He said.

We went through all the same things we said every night, until I finally gave up. Every day I had one less protest, and shed one less tear. It wasn't much, but it was progress.

I wasn't ready to go back to school until the next week. I walked into school, grasping Matt's hand tightly.

"It's gonna be fine," Matt whispered in my ear, as we walked down the hall, passed all the whispers and stares.

I could feel the sympathy radiating from them, and all I wanted to do was run. But Matt wouldn't let me; he held my hand firmly and walked me to my locker. I was fine until I got to lunch. Matt and I had all the same morning classes, but we had different lunches, so I was going to have to take the cafeteria filled with students all on my own. When we got the door to the cafeteria I squeezed Matt's hand.

"I can't do this," I said, looking at him, helplessly.

"Yes you can," he let go of my hand and pushed me toward the cafeteria doors, "I know you can."

I walked into the cafeteria, feeling like everyone was staring at me. I quickly got my lunch and ran out onto the quad to find Avery. She was sitting at a table with my friends, Katie, Rachel, and Brooke.

"Jenna sweetie, how are doing?" Katie asked, showing the sympathy in her eyes.

"She's fine," Avery snapped, and pulled me over to a seat at the table.

I smiled at her gratefully. Avery knew that I hated sympathy, I wanted to forget, not revel in people's attempts to understand how I was feeling, or make me feel better. Katie, Rachel and Brooke weren't buying it. They just looked at me.

"Really guys, I'm back in school aren't I?" I said, as convincing as I could.

"Is that why you've been holding onto Matt for dear life?" Brooke asked.

"Maybe she's just in love with him," Avery joked.

"Yeah, what Avery said," I said, without thinking.

Katie and Brooke looked at me in disbelief, and Rachel started laughing.

"I didn't mean it like that....I....I just meant that I'm fine," I corrected.

"Uhu," Avery said, sarcastically, and turned towards the other three. I knew she was mouthing something about me
being in love with Matt, but I ignored it.

"Matt's been great this past week, he's just looking out for me today, I'm not having a breakdown, and I'm not in love with Matt," I said, and sighed.

I knew it was useless, once Avery had gotten something into her head, she would never let it go, and she was really good at dragging everyone else along with her.

When I got to Matt's car after school, he was leaning up against it, grinning.

I cocked and eyebrow at him and asked, "What's with you?"

"You looove me," he said.

I pushed him playfully, "I do not."

"That's not what Ave says," Matt smiled, getting in the car.

"Well Ave's delusional," I stated.

"True, but Rachel isn't," Matt said.

"Most of the time," I corrected.

"Well I suppose Katie and Brooke are delusional too?" He asked, having way too much fun with this.

"Possibly," I said, "depends on what they said."

"Just that Avery said something about us, and you agreed," He said.

"Well that's true, but I got confused."

"About what?" Matt asked, parking the car in my driveway, and opening the door.

"I was defending myself. Trying to get them to stop with the sympathy, and then Avery said that I was in love with you, and that's why I was holding so tight to you today, and before I had time to process was she was saying, I had agreed."
Matt nodded, knowingly. We walked down the stairs and Matt sat down on my bed. I walked into the bathroom to fix my hair.

"You know it's okay," Matt said.

"Hmm?" I asked, confused.

"It's okay that you aren't over it yet," he clarified.

"I know," I said, walking out of the bathroom.

"You don't need to be so brave all the time."

"Matt, were you even there this past week? I am anything but brave."

"I know you were upset when it was just the two of us, but other people don't expect you to be completely together right after your boyfriend dies," Matt smiled, rubbing my back as we sat side by side on my bed.

"It's not about wanting them to think I'm fine, I just don't need all that sympathy. People don't need to feel sorry for me, and they don't need to pretend that they know how I feel either. I just don't like the looks and the mutterings of condolences, it makes his death seem like a joke," I said, trying to help Matt understand.

He just looked at the floor. I knew he didn't understand how I felt, and I knew he wanted to. I wished I could show him somehow, but I couldn't, he needed to figure out his part in this on his own.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It had been a month since Carter's accident, and people had begun to forget about it. They didn't whisper in the hallways, didn't give me sympathetic looks. I felt better, but also sad. How could people forget it so quickly? I guess most of them didn't even know him; they all just knew me or heard about it from a friend. I was back in my normal life. Carter had lived far away, so it wasn't like there were constant reminders of him. I could finally move on a little.

"Hey Jen," Matt said, as he caught up to me.

"Hey," I said.

"You wanna come over after school today?" He asked, happily.

"My mom doesn't want me around your brother, but you can come to my house," I offered.

"Great, movies?"

"A Walk to Remember," I laughed as he cringed, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Fight Club."

"Random much?" He laughed at my choices.

"What can I say? I'm just a random person."

That afternoon, Matt and I sat on the floor of my basement, leaning against the couch.

"Okay," Matt said, "Fight Club first, then Monty Python, and then -he cringed- A Walk to Remember."

I laughed and said, "okay, we'll do it your way, but if you think that putting the chic flic at the end is going to mean you don't have to watch it, you are dead wrong."

Matt shrugged, "hey, it's worth a try."

I laughed and put Fight Club in the DVD player. We watched, the movie, Matt booing every time I said someone was hot.

"There's blonde guy again!" I yelled as my favorite fight club member came into view on the screen.

"Boo!" Matt yelled, throwing popcorn at the screen.

I punched him in the arm and we got into yet another wrestling match.

We were halfway through A Walk to Remember, when Matt did the cheesy yawn and arm-over-shoulder move. I laughed and scooted closer to him. When the movie was almost over Matt said, "I could do that."

I turned to face him, "with whom?" I asked laughing.

"With you," he smiled.

"With.....me?" I repeated, confused and shocked.

"Umm.....yeah," Matt said, rubbing the back of his neck, nervously.

I smiled and he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. I let him kiss me for a couple seconds before pushing him away.

"Matt...I'm...I'm sorry," I said, sadly.

"For?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

"I really like you, I'm just...not ready yet."

He nodded, and I looked at the floor, "its okay," he said.

I leaned against the couch. I was really tired; I hadn't slept much the night before. I was starting to fall asleep, and Matt knew it. He put a blanket over me and whispered, "I'll wait for you. As long as it takes, I'll wait. For you, I'd wait forever.