You Still Have All of My Heart

It's been about a week since Kellin and I made up. Although we had kept our relationship quiet from pretty much everyone it wouldn't be long before people started asking questions – after all, with the looks we are giving each other whenever we are in the same room, it wouldn't surprise me if people put two and two together to get a once-in-a-blue-moon four. And how often does that happen? Normally people would get it wrong, but some times people actually get it right
Every night so far Kellin and I have shared my bed. Nothing's really happened, but his warm body pressed against mine each night is enough to soothe any nightmares that I am sure will come. There isn't a night that goes past that I don't have some kind of messed up dream. The worst ones are always the ones where I see Kellin plunge the knife into my chest all over again. As much as it helps, it also scares me to wake up in the middle of the night, a cold sweat starting on my skin as my eyes are wide, my heart pounding in my chest only to see the person beside me is the same one from my dream. Sometimes I worry about what I am doing; maybe I shouldn't be with him. At least we would know that it would be for our safety. But I could never push him away. I could never make him live back on the streets when I know I need him here, in my arms.
The morning classes go in a bit of a boring haze yet again. Some people ask questions about the bruises they saw before, but most people have dropped it now. They realised that I am not going to change my story, not matter how many times they ask me the same question. But the fact that I haven't had anymore bruises recently is a good enough cover for me. Maybe Kellin being with me was a better decision to make than I could have ever thought. When he is there I spend more time in my room, away from the prying eyes of mum and dad. Sure, sneaking food up to him every day is becoming a bit of an issue, but that is easily worked around by getting him a bigger lunch at dinner. Each morning Mike and I make pack lunches and tell Mum that we're hungry so she doesn't get too suspicious when she comes home and to see the food has gone – whenever there is food in the house, that is. The food goes to Kellin though, and we simply snack on some of the food with him, because we know we can make ourselves dinner that night.
With a sigh of relief the bell rings and I make my way to the cafeteria for lunch. Like always Kellin is sitting down at a table, already waiting for me, Mike, and Tony. It's a shame we don't have more classes together, really, but I guess that's just how the school decided to play this. After all, he is a little younger than me – okay, so like a year younger than me – so there is no surprise we don't share many classes. I guess they moved him into my year though, because of the fact we do actually share some classes.
“Hey,” I greet the guys, sitting beside Kellin and sliding him my lunch. I wasn't feeling particularly hungry today. As he lifted out a sandwich, which he gladly took a bite of, I made as though I was putting my bag under the table, only to rest my hand on his thigh, giving it a quick squeeze. I don't know what it is about this pale, skinny, black haired and green eyed boy, but he just bring so much safety to me. Whenever I am with him it feels as though nothing can ever hurt me, but then I know deep down I am still on the look out for he Josh kid, wondering when he will attempt to make his next move. Thankfully it isn't yet, and maybe it never will be. Maybe he will just leave Kellin be now and let him have a good life where for once he can feel secure and not constantly worry about people hurting him.
I wasn't hungry today, but it didn't stop the concerned looks from Kellin. When he offered me food I simply shook my head. I didn't need to eat. Besides, I'm not skinny like him so it isn't as important that I need to eat at every possible chance. Don't get me wrong, I am not going out of the way to be skinny and lose weight, I just think that Kellin's weight is more important than mine.
Despite caring for Kellin I kept looking towards Mike. He had to say something sooner rather than later because it's clear that it's going to be problematic.
“Hey, can I talk to you?”everyone looks up but my eyes are fixed on my younger brother.
With a knowing look he stand up, “Sure.” and we remove ourselves from the cafeteria, finding somewhere quiet to continue our conversation. Choosing the bathroom I found Kellin in the other day, we lean against the wall both of us daring the other to speak first.
“So, err, are you going to tell him?” I break the silence.
“I... I don't know...” His voice is wary, scared.
“Tony's a nice guy, I seriously think you should tell him. It'll be easier when he knows. Trust me, when people know it's like you have a weight off your shoulders.”
“Oh yeah 'cause it went so well for you.” he snaps, I just look away, expecting him to say that.
“Look, Mike, I am going to be frank with you. I probably went about it in the wrong way – hell there wasn't even a way I went about it. Shit happened. People found out. I nearly died. That doesn't paint a pretty picture, really. You, on the other hand, have more control on who you tell. So tell him. Please.” I look up at him, my eyes warm with a layer of tears I am pushing back. When people found out about me it wasn't good. Hopefully it'll be different for Mike.
“Okay. Whatever. I am just scared, Vic. I am never scared but right now I am fucking shitting myself. Like, what if I'm wrong? What if this isn't me? I would have ruined everything. But then I know I can't deny the way I feel about this... like, there is no way this is wrong, but what if it is? And what if I make a fool out of myself and what if people... I don't know... just what if everything goes wrong, Vic?”
“Woah, Mike, stop living in the 'what if's. Go out there and sort this mess out and everything is going to be okay. Just tell him, okay?” I must have talked some sense into that boy because after a shuddering breath he left the bathroom, me trailing behind. When we got back to Kellin and Tony he left with the turtle by his side to talk. All I could do was sit back and smile. Maybe Mike is slightly gay after all.
Kellin must have worked out what was happening because the corners of his mouth were pulled up into a smile,
“I fucking knew it.” he says. He's right though. I think once he gave away a couple signs it was plain for us to see what was going on. I mean, no brother of mine can be completely straight – not when he is helping me out with boy troubles. I smile to myself. It seems as though today everyone is happy and I that is all could ever wish for. Kellin is eating, Mike and Tony as sorting stuff out – although Mike is going to have fun later on when he sees his girlfriend – and for once in my life I can take a breath and just enjoy my love for Kellin.
Just as the bell goes, signalling the end of lunch, Mike and Tony walk up to us – Well, Mine walks up to us but Tony follows because he isn't exactly the most social of people – and smile.
“Thanks,” Mike says before turning to leave.
“Oh, and I know who you are Kellin – it's so cool!” the turtle speaks up. Fuck, he knows? Then I realised that he probably would. I mean, he is good friends with Mike after all.
Like always gym started the same boring way; I would walk up, tell the teacher I cannot partake and he would let me stay out of the lesson and then I would sit down in the changing rooms for a bit longer before walking up with the rest of the class to the hall where they will be doing basket ball yet again. Just like every other gym practice now I spend my time dawdling about in the changing room stealing glances at Kellin and admiring how attractive he is. I am going to be caught, one day soon, just watching him and people will start to think I was a freak and then kick me out. Maybe they will hate me. Everyone hates you, Vic, that's just a known fact about you. Thanks, brain, for adding that. I can feel panic rising within me which I have to calm by taking a few deep breaths and following the rest of the students out to the hall.
“Hey...” Kellin breathes sitting down beside me. I didn't need to ask why he was here, he answered before I even had the chance to, “I got my time-table today. They've made me an official student now. At first they were going to be move me down, but then they saw that I am actually getting good grades so I got moved fully into your year now.”
“What? Are you kidding me? That's awesome!” I say, a smile widening on my already grinning lips.
“Just... can you help me? Like, when I get stuck can you help me with school work?”
“Of course.” I say. Of course I can help you with your school work. I want you to get the good grades you can actually get and I want you to do well with your life so there is no way I am going to make you fail just because I am harsh. Plus, it gives me yet another reason to spend time with you so that is fine... I didn't say that though. If I did then maybe he could have gotten the other thoughts that were going through my head. Me being a teacher, Kellin a student, I can seriously imagine some of the lessons that would be going on in that situation. Let's put it this way... I don't think a lot of school work would be done in those sessions.
I shook those thoughts away though before anyone could see the blush forming on my cheeks.
We sat in a silence for most of the lesson, I guess Kellin said he felt sick or some shit so he could get out of lesson but who knows? He might just be refusing to partake. That wouldn't surprise me with him really.
“So... Mike and Tony, eh?” he bit his lip subconsciously, eyes sparkling with curiosity.
“Apparently so... I guess he needs to tell Hayley that they can't be together now or something. I mean, I don't think it'll work out between them after this.” an amused smile lights up my face.
“What's so funny?” Kellin asks, bewildered.
“Oh, it's just... Truth be told Hayley is a stuck up bitch, and it is quite cool that she can't be with him anymore.”
“So Mike is gay now?” I shake my head.
“Nope, he is pansexual.” The look of confusion returned to his face, which doesn't surprise me because no one really knows what it is. “Basically you know if you're bi you like both both and girls? Well being pan is kind of... I don't know... less judgmental – not that being bi or anything is judgmental. You understand me? Mike is able to love girls, boys, transgendered, gender fluid, or anyone. Even people that believe they don't have a gender, it doesn't phase him. I noticed it a bit when we were younger and how he used ot have this crush on a girl who I am pretty sure used to be a boy, and when we told him he said he didn't mind. Of course, as he realised what he was saying he then turned to the whole “It's okay because she has tits” side and then went out of his way to be a lady's man which gave him away even more. It was kind of obvious but then after a while I started to doubt it and believe he was actually just a really eccentric straight guy. I guess I am wrong.” The buzzing feeling in my body came back and excitement grew. How cool is it that I have a brother I can talk to about boy issues for both of us? Oh God I sound like a crazy fan girl let's just stop that right now.
As Kellin stands to get up I grab his wrist pulling him back softly. My eyes drop to his lips as i move in closer but he pulls away. That's when I realise that we are in school.
“Sorry,” I mutter and I guess he knows what that's about because he walks off to join the game. Pushing my head into my hands I let out a quiet moan of frustration. I can't believe I was so stupid to nearly kiss him in the middle of school! I need to get a grip because it won't take long for other's to work out if I carry on doing stuff like that. If people find out it will probably be just as disastrous as it was in my old school. But that doesn't matter now, so I simply zone out again.
I wish I could tell you what happened in my last lesson of the day – business economics again – but I really couldn't. I simply sat down with my mind somewhere entirely different. Everything that was being said was going in one ear and out the other, but that is okay because all I was doing was math really. It doesn't take a brain to work out basic math and that's why I was glad that all I had to do was add shit up today. It's a weird feeling, doing something but not actually doing it because you can't even freaking remember any of it, but it is something I life with quite a bit. Maybe it is because of the amount of time I spend zoned out in my fucking head. I don't really know, though, there is no way that I could do anything other than that though because the main things in my life are Kellin and my parents, two of which I cannot tell people and therefore any mention of them must solely be in my head.
The dismissal bell goes, and before Sir can ask for me to stay behind I am up, out of my seat and down the hall waiting for Mike and Kellin. They greet me with open smiles, Mike's even more prominent than this afternoon.
“Come on then,” I say, ushering them towards home with me whilst Mike is babbling about some random thing as always. When we got a safe distance from school and entered the slightly run down neighbourhood that we call 'home' the conversation changed to Tony. A smile graced my face to hear him talk about the quiet boy and I wondered if I ever sounded like that when I spoke about Kellin.
“He said he was fine with it, that he wouldn't judge me for being who I really am. Apparently it was slightly obvious, but I don't see how, I mean, I was such a fucking Lady's man! But then I am so glad he allowed me to be honest with not only him but myself. For once in my life I can be who I really am and it's nice for me to know that people will accept me, and that he actually likes me more for the fact that I was deathly honest with him and gave him a chance to back out because of what I admitted but he said he was cool with it. Oh, I don't know if I told you, but, like, after I told him he hugged and said he felt the same. Well, kinda just I don't think he meant all of it like the stuff about having you as a brother and all. But he likes me! Vic, do you know what it means?-” I didn't answer though because before I could he was off explaining again about how it meant Tony and he were going to become 'best friends' or 'boyfriends' in other words. There was only one way I could describe this whole conversation (Well, one sided rambling): Cute. Hearing Mike talk about Tony as though he was the most precious person in the whole of the world was just... cute.
“Mike shut the fuck up.” I hissed. “Now.” As much as I loved hearing about his infatuation with Tony the boy had to realise that this wasn't the best place. Especially when Dad is storming towards us and pointing towards the door.
“Yet the fuck inside now, you pieces of shit. And you -” he shoves a porky finger at Kellin “Get the fuck out of my sight and don't corrupt my boys again! They were normal until you came along!” I've never seen him this angry in public before. It's either going to get ten times worse inside or he is really losing all control of keeping things together. Either way it doesn't change the fact that I have to go inside with Mike so we leave, Kellin just standing in the middle of the street. His eyes give off the shine he has when he is planning something. No! Kellin you need to go! But there is no use shouting; it would only draw unwanted attention from any possible on-lookers. That wouldn't go down well with dad either.
He shoves me into the house, Mike bundled in behind me.
“You! You.... you fucking betrayed me you fucking disgusting piece of shit! I had two kids and none of them can fucking be normal!” he was screaming at Mike, my anger boiling behind him. “I thought I could count on having one normal kid, but you have to just be disgusting, don't you?”
“Dad...” I bite in a warning tone, remembering to keep my voice down, “Stop it. Mike's done nothing wrong.”
“No, I know he hasn't. It was you. You turned into a faggot. You ruined this family. Then you brought that good-for-nothing faggot boyfriend of yours back to corrupt Mike. You just cant be happy with someone being normal!”
“You can't just turn gay, I hope you know that. Mike isn't even fucking gay so I don't even know what they fuck you're talking about.” Lie. Sure Mike isn't exactly gay but I know what what Dad means. He means he can't stand the fact that Mike could be anything other than straight, although I have no idea how he could know. Well besides Mike loudly fucking talking about it in the front yard. Idiot. “Mike, go,” I mutter, giving him space to go to his room. His eyes were wide, he knew what was going to happen, but I didn't want him to get hurt.
When he didn't move I walked away, “And you think that maybe if you made me fear you then I would turn straight? Is that your plan? Because if so you might want to try to turn me straight, not Mike, I mean, I am the guy who's with a boy. You know the one I am talking about, don't you? The boy I made love to?” Some times I need to learn when to shut my fucking mouth, but I knew I needed to say something that would piss him off. I need him to come after me so he would leave Mike alone.
It did the trick because within a second Dad was running up to me as I ran to my room. I didn't bother to shut my door because I knew he would find his way in anyway. I looked out my window to see Kellin sitting there, with a shake of my hand he moved away, just so he was out of site. Part of me was glad to know he hadn't left but I don't want him getting hurt. Nor do I want him to do something stupid like walk and and try to save me. Even if that's all I want when Dad bursts through my doorway to deliver the first of many punches. His fist connects with my temple, turning everything black as I fell to the floor.
I musn't have been out for long because when my senses came back Dad was still kicking me. “DON'T FUCKING IGNORE ME YOU BASTARD!” he screamed as his clenched fist connected with my chin.
“I'm sorry I ignored my abusive fucking dad!” I screamed back. How can I be so stupid as to let myself get into this again? Sometimes I wonder whether I should just take a step back and let him get angry at Mike, but I know that isn't an option. Mike means so much to me and he has gotten me through some tough things in my life. There is no way I could allow this to happen to him.
With one last kick to my ribs he walks out of my room “Stay the fuck out of my sight tonight!” he spat. I wansn't going to argue with that. Hell, I didn't even want to be with anyone right now. Instead, I just lay on the floor wrapping my arms around my body to gain whatever comfort I could get.
The pain was setting in now and every part of my body felt as though it was on fire. The pain was almost blinding and there was no doubt that he did some damage this time. He hasn't been angry like this in a long time. Dad was always more abusive than Mum was although she would never try to stop him or help me. And sometimes if I said something rather derogatory she would flip as well. Hopefully that won't happen for a while now.
“Vic?” Mike's voice comes from the door as he walks in carefully. Even though I know he won't hurt me my heart speeds up just in case. “I'm so sorry,” his voice was thick with tears. I shook my head, all energy leaving my body.
“Not... your... fault.” I gasp through gritted teeth. The pain was tearing through me.
“I have some painkillers and water,” he lays them down in front of me before walking away to the window and letting Kellin in. I want to get up and accept the painkillers, I want to feel all of this pain fade to numbness but it means moving and using the energy I don't even possess.
“Hey beautiful,” Kellin says, crouching in front of me. A smile finds its way onto my lips. Can he really find me beautiful when I am laying on the floor all battered and bruised? Surely not, but then maybe he does? No, Vic, he probably doesn't. “Take these for me,” his voice is soothing as he lifts my head up, placing the tablets in my mouth. As he sits me up he puts the glass to my lips and lets me sip the water.
With my back against the wall Mike locks the door, making sure Dad won't come in even though we both know he won't be doing that again today. He's let out his anger, at least for today anyway. Kellin looks at me with wide eyes.
“I hate him...” his voice was quiet but you could hear the hatred behind it.
“I know, so do I.” I reply, numb.
“Let's forget about him... Let's just talk about how beautiful you are...” I coudl tell he wanted to cry, but a small smile was painted on his lips.
“Kels, I'm probably in a state right now...” I mumble, my eyes landing on his perfect lips.
“And? You could be sick or contagious, and I wouldn't care,” his voice drops as his breath ghosts my lips. “You know, I would kiss you even if you were dead, right?” I don't answer. The gap between us was gone and his lips are on mine.
Kellin lays me on the bed as Mike gets some wet cloths and plasters before returning to my room.
“Babe, I am sorry but this has to happen,” Kellin says whilst lifting my top above my head and removing it clean off. My eyebrow raises as his sudden use of endearments.
“What's with all the names?” I muse, preparing for the pain that will come but doesn't.
“Oh, I just thought that now I am alone with you – well with Mike but he doesn't mind – I can call you what I like.” he says, an innocent look on his face. Hmm, he must be planning something.
I don't ask what it is though as he assesses the damage, putting plasters and bandages all over me. I guess it must be pretty bad then. Each breath hurts like a knife in the chest, maybe I have bruised my ribs or something. Maybe even broken them, but there is no way I can check that one out. Kellin presses his lips to mine once he is done, earning a gag from Mike as though he is about to throw up,
“Guys not that gay shit in front of me,” he whispers, to which I merely roll my eyes,
“Not like you can say much.” I chuckle, his face turning red.
“Well, babe,” he comments, mimicking Kellin's higher voice, “I didn't admit to dad what you did earlier...” he says with a wink. Oh fuck. Did I really say that to dad? Yeah, I did,
“Why, what did you do say?” Kellin ask, confused.
“N-nothi-”
“He pissed of dad by saying that he had fucked you.” Mike answers. Kellin's eyes go wide.
“Correction: made love you to,” I choke out. “fucking you would have implied that there were no feelings behind it and that it wasn't intimate,” I mutter, barely audible.
“Oh. Okay... Well I wasn't expecting you to mention that in front of people...”
“Mike knows anyway, remember?” I ask, and judging by the ever increasing blush he did remember.
“Yeah be quiet next time.” Mike smirks.
The rest of the evening went past in a bit of a blur, people saying things and me lying in bed. Although whenever I needed the toilet I would have to be helped up. I felt like a weakling, but it's okay. As I get to the bathroom I stand in front of the mirror and gasp at my reflection. Cuts and bruises littered my body. Half my face was a deep shade of purple from the bruising's. He is definitely losing control. There is no way I can go to school tomorrow without raising suspicion and I think he is aware of it too. What would be better though? To go into school and have everyone freak out or be left at home with the devil who caused these marks? I guess I'll have to skip the day and then we can see about the next day. Maybe the bruises won't be as obvious by then.
Just like every other night I walk back to my room, lock the door, and crawl under the covers, Kellin's perfect body beside me. I guess we have gotten more comfortable around one another because we're lying in bed together, Kellin on his side in front of me with my arm wrapped loosely around his waist, in nothing but our boxers.
“Do you realise how perfect you are?” I whisper, my breath on his neck making him shiver.
“No.” he admits before we fall into a deep sleep.
- - -
When I wake up Kellin isn't here. My eyes shoot open and I am hurled into consciousness at the thought of him being hurt, so I pick up my phone to ring him. With a sigh of relief I see that it's actually 1pm and that I must have slept in. Maybe he has gone to school with Mike. Shuffling out of bed I see a note left of the flor by my clothes. I pick it up, wondering what it could be.
Hey, I am sorry but I had to go to school. I hope you're feeling a little better anyway.
~ Kels x
Seriously, can this boy get any fucking cuter? I am sure he can say the most mundane thing and it will still send my heart into a frezy. My eyes rest on the single 'x' he ended the note with and smile at how fucking cute it is. It's like him saying I am his... or am I reading this too much? I might be but I don't care because it's enough to send my head into a day dream for the rest of the afternoon.
“Hey, baby,” Kellin's soft voice comes, bringing me out of the light slumber I must have fallen into.
“Hmm,” is all I manage before leaning up and pressing my lips against his. He pulls away, biting his lip and, quite frankly, making me want to kiss him even more.
“I've got you something to help with the pain.” he steps back, holding out a small tub of some weird gel thing. Arnica, I think. “It'll bring out the bruises and aid healing. We used to have it at home a lot.”
“So... what do I do?” I ask, the slight blush and devious grin on his lips getting the better of my curiosity.
“You're going to lie down whilst I put this on you.” He ordered. And if I am honest this side of Kellin was such a fucking turn on.
As I lie down on my back, staring up at Kellin as he removes the lid of the gel. He doesn't bother warming it up at all because he is a fucking sadistic bastard, instead he just applies the cold gel on to my chest. My breathes become shallow at the change.
“Calm down,” He breathes as he rubs it into my collar bones. His touch is soft and gentle, but the mere presence of his skin on mine was making it very difficult to 'calm down'. He works his hands down my arms, massaging them as he goes. Although it hurts to have any pressure on my body, the gels cooling effects were definitely helping to ease the pain away. Maybe it might be handy to keep some of that with me for times like this. Or a Kellin... yep, keeping a Kellin with me at all times to do this would definitely be good. I should have one just so whenever I am feeling stressed or hurt he can massage me and calm me down.
Nope. Nope. Vic, you need to stop thinking like this! A chuckle escapes my throat as I bring myself back to the here-and-now before I get too carried away with that line of thought. But the fact that he is now running his hands across my chest doesn't help to calm me down at all. Sure, there was a look of concern as he looked after me, but there was also that grin plastered on his face which told me he knew exactly what he was doing to me.
His fingers rubbed at my chest, getting lower and lower with each movement. I bit my lip and closed my eyes to focus on anything but Kellin because I knew this was not going to end well. Something cold hit my stomach and I gasped, my abdomen tensing. His hands got lower, and my breathing hitched in my throat.
“Seriously, babe, calm down,” Amusement was lacing his voice.
“because that's easy,” I roll my eyes before lifting my head to watch him, thankful that I was lounging in my comfy jogging bottoms today.
“Hmm,” I moan, before clamping a hand over my mouth. No, Vic, you're not allowing yourself to do that! My cheeks began to heat up as I look down at Kellin,
“You know... I think your legs were bruised too...” he says, trailing his hands down to the waistbands of my joggers.
“Uhh.. no, it's okay,” I lie. I hold my breath though as he leans down and kisses just above my hip-bone.
“You sure? I could make it better if you want?” his hot breathe against my skin causes my breath to hitch once again. I swear to God there is never a moment where I am in full control of my breathing when I am with him.
He crawls back up to me and kisses my lips, “You know, if you weren't so bruised I would have done something back then.”
“You say that as though you haven't already,” a deep chuckle leaves m throat. “You know I hate you right? Because that was probably the most stressful thing ever,” the tingling on my skin makes it awfully clear just how worked up I was feeling right now.
“You know you loved it,” he laughed, throwing in a wink. And I have to admit it. He was right.