You Still Have All of My Heart

It's pretty weird not having Vic in school, I mean, he was here on my first day and now he isn't... I'm not even that used to being here yet and everything over the past few weeks has been so confusing and unexpected that I feel as though I must be insane to believe it has happened. But it did happen. I know that for sure. If it wasn't sure how could I explain away waking up in a bed that has a roof next to my perfect boyfriend every morning? Vic really is my saviour.
“Babe, you awake?” my voice was quiet, rising him gently from his slumber.
“Huh, but it's like, morning,” He sighed with a croaky voice still heavy from sleep. He hated how he sounded in the morning, but I just found it adorable.
“Yes, and we have school.” I prompt. He doesn't move. “And you're going in.” This got his attention.
“But my face... people will ask...” he struggled to put things together,
“Nope, I have something for you.” I smirk, bringing out a little bottle of stuff.
His eyes fall on the little bottle that I held up for him to see, a frown forming on his face.
“I'm not wearing make-up; I don't want to look gay.” He states.
“Too late for that, mister, because this scene right here looks pretty gay to me.” he rolls his eyes and I know that he is giving in to me. “Besides, I miss you being in school; I worry about you when you're at home and I don't like it. I'm scared that you'll get beaten up again.” I press my lips to his to emphasise the point. The best way to persuade him is to kiss him. It normally works.
“Okay. Just get on with it.”
Being the fabulously gay person that I am, I apply a fine layer of foundation to Vic's face, smiling at how well it matches his complexion. My lip falls between my teeth subconsciously as i concentrate on his delicate skin, willing the now slightly faded bruises away. Instead of the deep purple they were the other day they have faded to a solid blue, soon to be green. For some unknown reason the way a bruise fades fascinates me, that is, as long as it isn't on Vic's body. On him I wish I never had to see the difference in colour from the healing wounds of his dad. I swear if I ever see another mark on his fucking body I will tell him exactly what I think of him, no matter the consequence. He need to know that he can't just hurt Vic and presume he can get away with it because he can't. He just can't hurt someone and count on no one giving a shit.
“There you go,” I say, planting a kiss on his lips as I pull back. He stuck his bottom lip out, a pout evident on his face. God, why does he have to do this to me? He knows how this makes me feel! I lean in closer, pressing our lips together once again and he is quick to kiss back. “I know you don't want to... but we really need to go to school...” I mumble against his lips, giving him another, quick kiss before pulling away from him as he gets up to change.
“Don't watch.” He says, but it doesn't matter because within a moment I am climbing out the window and down the tree.
It doesn't take long for Vic and Mike to meet me outside. He knew about my plan to bring Vic out of the house because I think he was worried just like me. The longer he stayed there the more likely he would be hit again. As the days passed his dad would only get angry once again and need to vent it again. I couldn't just sit around and let that happen to him once again. He's so fragile but he puts up a front. He doesn't show anyone his vulnerable side and I don't blame him.
The second we get into school we get some curious looks – Well Vic does – but then I guess that's just how the school works; when someone is off for a while then people want to know what has happened, and when they are too nervous to ask or they simply cannot be bothered the simply try to work it out by looking at the person and decoding it by their body language and how they look. Fortunately for Vic the foundation blended in well and covered the bruising on his face, as for his arms they were covered by the flannel shirt he wore casually over a black T-shirt. He needs to wear shirts more often; they look really good on him. Imagine what it would look like buttoned up, with a tie on? Maybe it would be better with a loose tie, or no tie... Actually, fuck it. Just no shirt. Get rid of it and that will be perfection.
“Bye,” I say to Mike as Vic and I walk to our class. If there was anything that I learned over the past few days was that Vic and I actually share a lot of the same lessons, which was surprising because he is really smart and then I just kinda bum out in all of my classes. I don't even know how they put me up into this year. Apparently I did well in my assessments or some shit like that, but then I also skipped a few days and then I fucked up massively. Seriously, I will never understand school and I don't think I will ever want to either. How the hell they can take me on and actually think that I have something to offer is beyond my knowledge, but somehow Vic agrees with them and he knows me better than anyone else does; surely if he thinks that it is true it might just be. Would he really lie to me? How is it that no matter what happens and how badly I view myself he somehow makes everything okay once again?
Throughout my morning classes I kind of wanted to just hide away and not really give a fuck about what was going on, but then I decided that I actually wanted to do well for once. I couldn't bare the look that would be on Vic's face if he was to see that I was failing class. He would be so disappointed in me and I don't want him hating me for something stupid like that. I mean, Vic is smart as fuck, there is no way he would want to date a stupid kid like me. But he knows that I am thick anyway, so why could he possibly still be with me? Even though I have known him for a while there is never a dare where he ceases to amaze me. He is so strong and caring even though everything he goes through is so much worse than anyone could have ever imagined.
With a satisfied sigh I flick back through the pages of work I have done in my class, and sit back in my chair. Although Vic and I share this class we sit on opposite sides of the room, which is kind of upsetting, but I think it would be best that way; being so close to him might keep me distracted from my work.
“Okay class,” Sir starts “I know it's a Friday and you all just want to think about going out for the weekend, but trust me when I say I feel like a heartless cow when I set you work, but please know this isn't my choosing. But I need you to do an essay on how the body defends itself from illness. That means I need you to write about the white blood cells, the organs and explain as many defences as you can. I am sorry I can only give you until our next lesson. But it's the rules. Have fun!” I groan at the mention of an assignment. I haven't been in school long enough for this yet. Fuck my life.
“Oh shit!” I mutter under my breath, only audible to the person next to me, who just smiles sympathetically.
“New student, eh?” He smiles, “Oh, I am Matty.” he says, extending a hand.
“Kellin” I accept his hand and shake it, raising an eyebrow at how formal this is but before I could question it the bell rang out and I was free to leave. With a nod I pack up my stuff and walk out waiting for Vic. Although I worry people may find out that there is more than a simple friendship going on between the two of us I remind myself not to worry; it is normal for people to have friends and it is normal for them to want to be around said friends. People will have no reason to suspect anything else.
One more lesson and then I can go to lunch. I can't fucking wait. Although Vic and I have different lessons they are still in the same area and so it made sense for us to walk down together. Not much was said though because, well, we simply didn't need to say much. Just his presence was enough to brighten my day and I hope I had the same affect on him. Who knows though. With a nudge I lose my balance for a second before straightening myself up, as he sticks tongue out me. Oh, two can play at this game. I pout, sticking my bottom lip out and making my eyes wide as I look up at him. He bites down on his lip, his eyes falling upon my own pink ones before shaking his head to clear it. And that's when I remember we are in school and can't just go about kissing each other, so I playfully shove him like he did to me so people don't question what just happened. But he winces and then I feel bad; I forgot his bad ribs.
“Sorry.” I say before heading to class. He knows I didn't mean to hurt him so I am sure he will be okay. That doesn't stop me from worrying though.
With thoughts of proving myself to Vic, I genuinely studied and worked in class. I don't want to give him another reason to think I am pathetic and that he can do so much better than me, so I put my head in the books and waste no time on writing down everything I can. I need as many notes as I can seeing as this school things it would be a good idea to throw a load of tests our way soon just to check on our grades. I seriously have the worse possible timing in the world I swear to God.
As the teacher droned on and on about something I really couldn't care about I found my mind drifting to Vic and how safe I feel in his arms; I don't normally feel safe with people, but for some reason I do when I am with him. Maybe it is because he has protected me through so much crap, or maybe it is because he understand how I feel. Either way I just longed to be back in his arms where I can feel completely and utterly safe once again.
Looking around I could see that Matty was in this class too. Unlike last lesson where he was sat next to me there was a kid between us, destructing my view of him, which is okay. Not that I care. It's just nice to see a familiar face, even if I have only spoken to him the once. The thing with me is that I don't really go out of my way to meet new people. If they speak to me first, that's fine. If not then just seem to ignore one another. I don't need people in my life, not when I have Vic. He means so much more to me than anyone ever could.
Tap. Tap tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap tap. My pen bounced on my page as thoughts filled my head.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Vic's dad is horrible. How can he just stand by, smiling at everyone when in reality he is the sickest fuck in the world? At least my parents fucked off, out of my life. I don't need them. I don't rely on them like Vic has to. I know he wants to run away but Mike needs to stay there. And if Mike is there, there Vic will stay. But it isn't safe for them. Even if Mike hides from the fire it isn't safe for him. As for Vic... well if I just stand by and let him hurt his son, the guy I am in love with, then I am no better than him.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap tap. I have to go and stop him from doing it again. I was never one for violence before, but these past for months have toughened me, molded me. Now I am no longer afraid to use violence. Hell, it would be refreshing to give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe it will tell him that he can no longer go about hurting others because he knows just how horrific it is... that is, if I don't kill that fucking bastard for what he has done. Yeah, that sounds good. Maybe I could just stab him? But that would mean getting a knife, I'd rather just strangle the bastard until he is dead; I am sure Vic's mum would leave soon after. There is no way she would stay for that.

Tap. Tap.-“Mr. Quinn, could you stop that please?” Sir asked, well, demanded; you can't go against teachers without getting in trouble. He snapped me from my thoughts about killing the monster that I was living with, secretly, but living with him all the same. I drop my pen, clenching my jaw as I tried to push away the anger that was fueling me. I couldn't. I knew what I had to do, and do that I will.
I pushed my chair back, gaining looks from the class that I really couldn't care for. “Toilet.” I state before exiting. I did not wait for permission. Nothing could stop me right now. I had to leave before lunch came about because Vic would try to stop me. He would want to keep me with him. But no. I will not allow that to happen. I need to make this better for us. For Vic. I need to solve this for once and for all. I had no idea where this anger came from; I'm not usually an angry person, but I guess I have finally given up with seeing the boy I love lay hurt in bed for days. Hardly finding the strength to move due to the injuries he has sustained by the one man that is meant to love him unconditionally and do everything in his power to support him.
The wind was blowing although I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything anymore; everything was just a dull, numb sensation that brushed past me as I made my way out of school in the direction of home – well, Vic's home. Nothing was going to stop me now. Neither Vic nor Mike had a clue of what was happening, and that worked in my favour. Going before lunch was probably my smartest idea because no one was around.
My feet slapping down on the tarmac covered ground, the only thought going through my head was: Kill him. Protect Vic. Kill him. And I knew that was what I had to do. The only way I could protect him for the rest of his life would be to kill his abuser. With his dad out the way his mum would back down; there is no way she would continue to hurt Vic if she knew that was what got her husband killed. They would have to let Vic live a normal life then. I will not stand to see him hurt and abused once again. I will not let it happen.
Their house is in sight. My blood boiling. I need to do this. Unlike any time I have been angry before this doesn't back down, and I know this is simply something I must do in my life. This is my sole purpose; to protect Vic. Footsteps sound from behind me, but I don't turn to look. I don't give a fuck who it might be right now; I am so close... so fucking close to solving all these issues and making it better, I don't stop. I don't turn to give them the time of day, and maybe that's my downfall.
“Hey, I just wanted-” I don't hear the end of the sentence before I am blacking out.
- - - -
My body ached and my surroundings were cold. But nothing hurt as much as my head. It stung and I could feel the warm dampness under my undeniably matted hair; there is no doubt in my mind that there is a swollen bump and a cut to explain why I passed out before.
As my eyes opened the light clawed at my brain, causing me to shut them again within an instant. I allow myself a moment to prepare myself. This time, as I open my eyes again, I find that it isn't actually that bright anymore; in fact it must be about mid evening. I go to stand up but find I have no energy to move. I remember this room though. Oh God do I remember this room. It's the room I have come to hate for the past four months of my life.
“Oh, Kellin, Darling, it's good to see you again.” my skin crawls to hear his voice. The fact that I am unable to see him only makes the sick sensation in my stomach worse. I try to choke out a protest, demanding to know why I am here and to be released but it only comes out as an unintelligible slur of sounds that didn't even form a single coherent word. “Relax, babe, you're safe here. I had to make sure you were out though so that we could enjoy our time together without you trying to run away.”
Sitting on a chair I realise that he must have drugged me so that I couldn't move. And if he has drugged me then he has complete control over me and my body. I need to get out. But how? What happened? How did I end up here in the first place? Through the haze in my mind some memories come back. I was walking from school to Vic's house. I was going to Kill his dad. But then it's all I can remember. My anger welled up at the mere thought of Vic's dad, and then at Joshua for stopping me. How fucking dare he stop me from ringing that monster's neck?! He has no fucking right!
But that anger quickly fades to fear; I am alone at God knows what time of the day – or night for that matter because there is very little light in this room – with my psychopathic ex boyfriend. Well, that might be a little harsh; he doesn't exactly show the signs of a psychopath, just an abuser who is always in need of control, which I brutally snatched away when I walked out of his life for what I thought was for good. And it should have been. He deserved everything and more. I hated him. Hell, part of me wanted to rip him limb from limb, but I wouldn't let it. I needed to stay cool. I needed to leave this room as soon as I could, and safely. Wait, fuck safely! As long as I have my life all is going to be fine.
“I trust you remember me and our home; I am sorry I had to do this in such an unloving fashion, but I needed you back. Going on every day and waking up by myself was heart break, and I simply couldn't do that. I waited for you to come back to me, but you never did. At first I didn't know where I went wrong. Where we went wrong.” he waved his hand between the two of us, signalling our 'relationship' that I walked out of, and quite rightly so. “I think I worked it out now. And we can make this better again. But you need to stay here with me. I don't want to be some... some emotionless fuck. I knew you liked that Mexican boy and that I was probably just someone to help you get over him but I thought I meant something to you. I thought you cared!” He voice grew louder now, “But no, you go running back to him and I hate you for it but I love you so fucking much I just need you in my life you piece of shit!” After taking a swig of whatever alcohol filled the bottle it came crashing down, smashing into a thousand pieces to reveal a sharp, jagged edge that was thrust towards my face.
I try to fight him, to swear and kick and scream but I can't. The drugs have taken control over my body as he leans in close, the bottle ever threatening.
“Stay away from him, Kellin. It's meant to be the two of us, but if you keep straying to that guy then I will have to make him go away. Forever.” tears were welling up behind my eyelids but I refused to let them fall. I knew what would be coming my way but there was nothing I could do to stop this. Oh, how I wish Vic would just come bounding in right now and save me from this beast, just like he did last time, but I know I am on my own now. He doesn't know where I am, plus he would still be confused as to why I wasn't in school. Who knows? He might have just given up on me by now. But that thought hurts like a knife to the heart, and a million times more than what is happening to me now.
I can feel him on me, in me, but I push the thought away. I will myself to the happy place where nothing can hurt me. There has to be this place in the back of my mind where I go to so often. The more I focus the clearer it becomes, like walking up a long road to find the place where you once loved. When I get there I can hope to push everything away; sometimes I can convince myself it didn't even happen. I am hoping this would be one of those times.
If only there was a way to tell him that I hadn't strayed because I never loved him in the first place. I am sure he would think I was lying, but that's okay. At least I would have said it. I thought he had changed though; I hoped he had, but at least I know now that he hasn't and I am going to return to a life of hell. Maybe he will just kill me and smother all the air out of my lungs. Maybe he will destroy me all the way until breaking point this time. It didn't matter anymore though because there was one thing I knew for certain; I would not be seeing Vic again.