You Still Have All of My Heart

“He'll be okay, Vic, you need to worry about yourself.” Mike spoke, his voice soft and caring. I wince at the pain in my head that only increases whenever someone talks.
“No. I can't rest. I need to know where he is.” I try to get up but I am only pushed back down. I wince yet again.
“Stay. Vic, you have to stay.”
“I don't want to though; you can't make me!”
“Yes I can; I will tie you the fuck down if I have to! You are not geting up to find him because you need to rest and get better yourself. He knows where we are; we don't know where he is. It would be much easier for him to find us so keep that in mind as you get better. Besides, you're in so much pain right now you can barely stand.” He has a point. There is no way I could ever find Kellin in the state that I am in, and I only have my father to blame for that.

I settle back down into my bed, my mind running at a hundred miles an hour. How can I rest when he is out there? Fuck knows where he is, but God I hope he is sleeping alone. I dread to think would could happen to him out there on the streets. It isn't a safe place for anyone to be, let alone a weedy boy like him. Don't get me wrong he can probably pack a punch, but he has no weight to put behind it, he has no strength or energy and it is clear that whatever nourishment we got into him whilst he was here he will soon be lacking again.

He was here though. Apparently when he left school early he came here. Fuck knows why he did though; why did he even leave early? Now I am left in the aftermath of Dad's rage as I stare, clueless, at Kellin's bag. I picked up his stuff when I realised he left it in class. Why would he come here? I understand after school, but why drop everything to come here Did something happen in school? Oh shit, what if something did happen.
“Mike, what if Kellin came here because someone said something in school and then when he realise he couldn't do anything he walked away to get high?” my voice was shaky to think he might be back on drugs. Again.
“You heard what dad said though... that he left with someone...”
“No. Mike, that isn't true. I know Kellin. He wouldn't just do this to me. I... I just...” I couldn't bare the thought that Kellin would just walk off with someone. No, he wouldn't have. Dad just said that to hurt me. He knew it would get to me. Plus, he did say it in the heat of the moment. I was provoking him just like I always do.

My body was agony, pain setting fire to every nerve that lay in my body. I wanted to writhe about, scream my voice hoarse in agony, but I knew that wouldn't work: there was no way I would allow myself to show Dad that he had won. He didn't see me cry, hell I didn't even whimpered when it happened, so he isn't going to get the pleasure of it now. My silence is like a final 'fuck you' to him that happens every single time the man loses his shit.

In order to do this, I lift the covers from my body and bite down on my lip as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and trudge down the stairs behind my brother. Fuck, that boy has grown so tall and it feels as though, with each passing day, he is growing up before my eyes and soon I won't be able to look after him anymore. I can't imagine what it would be like not being able to have control in that sense; I won't have control over anything in my life and that scares me. In all honesty, the prospect of losing the only thing I can control scares me more than anything my dad can ever do. If I lose control he can abuse me all he wants and there will never be anything for me to fight against it for.

A shudder chills my body. The mere thought of that bleak future startling my imagination. As if Mike could read my mind he speaks up,
“Hey, about today... sorry. I seriously can't be left to my own devices, can I?”
“No,” I muse, a chuckle escaping my throat. And despite the severe, dangerous circumstances we find ourselves in, it's a genuine chuckle. Mike would never cope on his own.
“Hey, I sorted everything with Tony so you need to give me some credit,” he laughs, nudging my shoulder, not giving a damn that we are at home; why should he? Dad is hardly going to hurt us – me – again today.
“Aha, yeah, with my prompting. You were a fucking wreck, mate.”

It doesn't take long for us to find a can of soup, heat it and devour it's warm, delicious taste, sitting in a comfortable silence. It's moments like this where everything seems okay. The bad things in the world just melt away to become nothing more than niggling irritations – of course they never fully go away. That only happens when I am with Kellin.
Kellin.
Fuck. Where is he? The panic sets in, heart beat raising. What could have happened to him? Tears fight to overcome my walls, break the dams and flow down my face. But I refuse to let them fall. Instead I push away what is left of my soup, and excuse myself to bed with a suspicious look from Mike.

I guess he knows better than to make me talk, though, because within mere seconds after the door closing behind me I strip down to my boxers an clamber into bed. Do I have any homework for tomorrow? I'm not sure. Oh well. I guess I'll just get a detention tomorrow; it isn't like my dad will give a flying fuck about it anyway.

With unsettled thoughts and pain I settle down to sleep. My mind filled with the many dark scenarios that Kellin could find himself in. Whoever said that love could last forever? I just want his forever; it's all that I need, but he doesn't need me. If he's walked off with someone else he clearly doesn't need me anymore. Either way my love will stay strong, determined. I know I love him – after all, with all of this crap I have gone through with him it's more than a simple crush. If he can hurt me and I still come to his every beckon and call I clearly love him. His presence washes away anything bad that taints the brilliant blue sky that my life seems to be with him. Oh, how I wish it was as simply as that with him again. Maybe it will be, one day. That is, if he even cares about me now.

- - - -

“Hey, Vic, I am going now.” Mike's hushed voice wakes me from my light sleep.
“Huh? No. I am coming too.” I stammer, wiping sleep from my eyes and hoping put of bed, wincing at the pain that shoots through all of my muscles and joints. “Got any painkillers?” I ask before he can butt in and protest the fact I want to attend school. I know he will try anyway.
“If you're in this much pain you shouldn't be going in.” Ah, he's stared, then.
“What I should and what I will do are too different things.” I pull on a pair of skinny jeans, deciding that changing my boxers in front of my brother too awkward for this situation. Besides, if I do that he will leave the room and it will give him a chance to leave without me. Picking up a top – an Iron Maiden shirt – I pull it on over my head and turn to Mike.
“Let me sort you out.” he says, then follows the same routine Kellin did the previous morning, applying the foundation to my face to mask the bruising.

“Can we go now?” I ask, not waiting for an opinion as I sling my bag over my shoulder and skipping down the steps, mood somewhat bright considering the events of the past day, putting on a mask about the pain. Nonetheless, the thought of possibly seeing Kellin in school spurring me on, we leave the house and walk on, idle chatter filling the air around us.

The hubbub of the children at school makes me cringe; everything seems so loud right now, and I have a splitting head ache. Mike never did get me those pain killers. I guess I should go to the school nurse soon. Just tell her I have a head ache. She doesn't need to know about the rest of the pain because then she would want to look and she would see my bruises. I wish I could just let someone know but I am so fucking scared of the possible outcome. What if they tell dad without protecting Mike? I'd rather I get hit than him; after all I would be the one causing the issues.

Either way it doesn't matter now, the throbbing in my head getting worse with every step, every heart beat, every breath. It was all getting worse. Maybe I should have taken Mike's advice and stayed at home. Too late now, anyway.
“Just going to the nurse,” I excuse myself, heading towards her office knowing I will miss out of the start of class. Oh well. It isn't like I give much of a shit about business economics, anyway, not when I have other outlets I want to explore.

I knock on the door to the nurses office, waiting for her immediate call; “Come in!” although she does not know who it is she is talking to. “Ah, Victor.” she says, clearly remembering my face from the many times I have had to come here, each time with a different excuse. I let out a sigh at the name; God I hate being called 'Victor' it makes me think that people are talking down to me, like I am a little kid and telling me off. Kellin is the only one who can call me that without me wanting to rip his head clean off his shoulders. Then again, Kellin is the only one who can do a lot of things that would make me want to kill people with no affect.

The thought of Kellin brings tears to my eyes, and before I can even stop it they start flowing freely down my face, spilling little drops of salty water onto the floor below me.
“Shush, shush, what's happening, dear?” she coos, sickly sweet. I know it is her job to be caring, but I just need people to listen. But how the hell can I tell them? 'My boyfriend has left me'? Has he even left me? I don't even know what the fuck has happened.
“I- I am just so confused... and sore.” I say, biting down on my tongue before I say anything else. “I have a horrible headache.” I clarify before she has time to quiz me.
“What are you confused about, deary?” He voice is soothing, begging for answers.

“I don't even know. I feel like I have no control. Someone close to me just left. I don't know where they went. They left with someone else. I think they hate me, that they don't love me anymore.” I cry, sounding like a pathetic 13 year old girl when, in reality, the situation is a bit more serious than me losing my partner.
“Oh, that must be rough. Did she mean a lot to you?” I flinch at the word. I have to lie now, pretend that her presumption didn't get to me.

“Something like that. It doesn't matter; you're only here for the physical stuff so can't you sort my pain out? I'll just go bother my brother about this dumb stuff later.” she nods, knowing I won't say anything else on the matter, and quickly gives me some paracetamol before sending me on my merry way – well, not so much merry, but on my way nonetheless.

With my head in a daze of physical and emotional pain I stumble to class, willing the medication to work far quicker than is possible. I just need the pain to go away so I can focus in class. But until then I fall in and out of a daze, eyes bleary with tears threatening to fall. But I will not let them do so. Not in class. So I keep my head down, hand scrawling random notes in my book that magically have something to do with what the teacher is saying – and only God knows what the hell that is. With any luck I won't be called upon to answer a question. Hell, I pray to God, to the Devil to any deity that might possibly be listening to let me just stay out of being questioned today; I have too much going on in my head.

Apparently someone was listening to my wish because the hundred minutes of pure torture pass without me being forced to talk to the whole class. Maybe there is a god out there that is listening to me and wanting me to have a good day, and possibly life. That would be awesome. But that would also be a lie; no one is willing to allow me one easy fucking day. Something tells me that this day is going to be hell on Earth.

The bell rings, kids run from their class, glad to have break. I walk to my locker, keeping my eyes wide open for Kellin, but something tells me that he won't be here; I can't see him anywhere and I should have seen him leaving his biology class; it's only down the corridor from my last class. But he wasn't there. He doesn't even seem to be within the school grounds let alone his fucking class. I just need him here, to make sure he is okay, but then I want to just push him away for allowing me to feel so fucking shit like this. I thought he cared about me! Why would he just walk off with someone else? Maybe he just doesn't care. Who even would care about me anyway?

Stumbling, I shake my head, grabbing onto the wall for support as my head starts to spin and my vision takes a violent shift. Fuck. Maybe I should get that checked out later. Ah well. I can live.
“Hey, Vic, you seen him?” Mike calls, running towards me, but he stops dead. “Fuck, dude, you look pa-” he can't even finish his sentence before I am running away, into the bathroom. My throat burns, my stomach flips and saliva fills my mouth. Oh fuck. Just as I get to the toilet my stomach flips once again, emptying it's contents into the toilet bowl.

“Gross,” I mutter, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand, staring down at the yellow bile that now swims in the water. I make a mental note to eat something next time; it's much nicer than throwing up pure bile. My knees week, my body shaking, I stand and flush the loo before going to the sinks to rinse out my mouth and wash my hands. My throat stings and I am pretty sure some of it went up my nose because my eyes are watering and I have the incessant urge to blow my nose. I look up at my reflection, water streaming from my eyes. I look sick. I can barely remember the fight last night, but judging by the pain I would say it was the worst so far.

I don't look good at all: my eyes are red and bloodshot from crying; my skin pale and clammy; body shaking; and my hair unkempt. If that's what I look with make-up on I wonder what i look like without it. Oh God, I really do sound like a fucking girl; I'm worrying about how I look and I am wearing make-up. Fuck, that is pretty gay if you ask me.

The door opens, revealing Mike, his eyes soft with sympathy.
“No. Before you ask again, I haven't seen him.” I can feel the tears fighting to gain control again; why the hell am I even crying right now? I don't exactly have any reason to be doing so. I take in a deep, jagged breath and blow it out. “Have you?”
“No. He's not in school by the looks of things.” he says, sounding rather resigned. “I actually like Kellin, you know? Some days I get annoyed of him but that's because I am scared you will get hurt. But I know he is what you need; he is the only person who makes you truly happy. And I have no right to take that away from you.” he wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close, his added height meaning I bury my head into the crook of his neck as I try to keep the tears back, absorbing every ounce of comfort I can find. “We're going to find him and bring him back home. I will fight until the world ends to see that happen for you.”

We stand like that for ages before the bell rings and I collect myself so I am suitable for English. This should be fun. I depart from Mike, and enter my class, taking my seat directly behind an empty one. The one Kellin should be sat in. With a sigh I open my book and write down what we are doing, trying my hardest not to focus on the lack of Kellin's presence.

Vivid images flow into my head as Miss reads out the poem; Strange Fruit. Damn, America has some really dark parts of history that we really shouldn't be proud about. We're studying the poem and will be analysing it later, so it's vital I pay attention... for a bit. The fact that people felt as though they had the right to endanger and hurt people due to the colour of their skin is grim. But, somehow, the thoughts then turn to my dad; although it isn't quite the same he has it in his head that he can hurt me because I am gay and that my difference makes me wrong and bad. It means I need to be punished. Honestly, it kind of feels like my dad would have happily been one of those people to commit such horrific acts because he thinks it is for the best. Well, I have a newsflash for him: it's fucking sick.

My phone starts obnoxiously blurting out a tone, signalling someone was calling me. Shocked, the class turn to me – by the looks on their faces they either loved me or were revolted in me for stopping Miss mid poem – and my face turns a bright red.
“Hand your phone in, Mr Fuentes.” she demands, my phone still ringing.
“Err... okay.” I stammer, pulling my phone out of my pocket to hand it over. But I stop part way. As does my heart, seeming to stop when I see who is calling. “No can do.” is all I say before I get up and run from the class, into the bathroom, locking the stall door behind me.

Why the fuck is Kellin calling me? In honesty I don't even care; I simply need him close, to hear his voice again. I pick up: “Where the fuck are you, Kels? I've been worried sick!” I don't even give him time to explain why he feels now would be the perfect to call, I only want to know what is going on.
“Vic, don't...” He whines. I could almost see him recoiling from my tone.
“Well, where are you? Dad said you're with someone.” I get straight to the point.
“That's because I am...”
“Who?”
A pause. Followed shortly by a heavy sigh as though he is trying to work out how to put this. “You know when we broke up I started dating someone else..?” Oh.
“Balz?”
“Yeah... I am with him.” Oh God. Now I know he wouldn't have gone by himself, surely.
“Kels, I'm going to come and get you. Where are you?”
“Vic, don't.” he warns.
“Tough, I coming to ge-” the phone beeps. Kellin ended the phone call. Does he not want me seeing him again?

I feel sick, weak. My body wants to crumple under me. My legs tuck under my body as I slump to the floor, my back against the wall, eyes staring blankly at my phone in disbelief. Summoning any strength I send Mike a quick message: “Kellin was taken by Balz. We need to get him back but I don't know where he is. I'm in the same bathroom as earlier. Meet me now.” and throw up again, shock now defeating my bodily senses. The mere thought of what might be happening to him right now makes me urge, emptying my stomach even more.

The sound of the door opening reminds me that Mike is here, I unlock the stall door and he takes one look at me before hoisting me up.
“Right, school nurse. Now.” he orders. “I'll be with you. You're going to speak to her and tell her about Kellin. They will get people to find him. We can't do this on our own; we don't have a clue where he is. And you keep being ill... come on.” I don't protest; I know rationally there is nothing I can do to help Kellin. But the school will be able to. I guess I will have to break Kellin's trust and tell them some things for them to find him.

Mike half drags, half carries me to the nurses office and we are ushered in straight away.
“Oh Victor, what's happened?” she exclaims upon seeing me, but everything seems distant, like a mist in surrounding me.
“I just feel sick. But that's not the main issue.” even my own voice seems miles away, like I a listening to someone speak whilst I am lying under water. “You know what I said earlier?” I prompt, even Mikes grip on my shoulders feels a million miles away.
“About the girl you like?” a muffled laugh comes from Mike; he clearly wasn't expecting that.
“Erm... kinda. You know I said the person that means a lot to me has gone and all? They didn't go by will; their ex took them and I am worried for their safety.” Worried. That's a fucking understatement. I am terrified that we will be too late for him.

“Who is it? What do you mean? Everything you say is confidential, although I may have to go an get someone to help us relocate the girl if something bad's happened.” Unlike last time, I don't flinch or even have any emotion to her presumptions.
“We dated before and four months ago things ended. We're back together now but in the four months they were with someone else. That person was abusive and would hit them. Actually the first time I saw him again was when the ex that has him now was pinning him against the wall and going to... hurt him.” I say, before my eyes fly wide. I slipped up. I said it was a guy. Oh crap she's going to hate me, call me a freak.
“Vic, I need you to be honest with me now. I need to know who this person is that is missing, who you think has them and where they are.” Here goes nothing.

“I don't know where they would be because I am not sure where Joshua lives. Joshua Balz has him. Joshua has Kellin; I got a call from him and he told me that.”
“Kellin? Do you mean Kellin Quinn? Why would he call you to tell you that?”
“Yes, I mean Kellin Quinn, the boy who recently started this school. He called me because... because he's my boyfriend.” There. She knows. You can tell she is shocked by what I just said, but I am so beyond caring, the mist surrounding me getting thicker by the second. It feels as though the air is thick, too thick to breathe. It feels as though my head had been filled with lead because now it's too heavy to hold up.

“Vic, listen to me, we are going to find your boyfriend; he will be okay.” he voice seems so distant now, it's barely a whisper. Everything floats away as my world turns black and dies.