You Still Have All of My Heart

One of the things about my life is that, deep down, I am a very bad person. Maybe that is why what josh does to me is okay, because I have done far worse in my short lifetime. And the even more sickening part is that I have hurt those who cared about me, and the one person that I subsequently cared about too. Before I start to justify my actions, I never meant to hurt Vic the way I did, and I don't even know why I did what I did – Well I do, I did it because I had to. It wasn't safe for either of us, but there are still parts of me that hate the fact that I had no backbone, because there is never a situation in life where you have to do something, because at the end of the day you have the choice. Even if it feels like an impossible one, it is always there. You either do it or don't. There is no other way about it.
I have all but destroyed the one I care about, and I long for his touch once again but there is no way in hell he could ever take me back. Nit after the shit that I caused him. If anyone was to ask why I gave him that note today, I really couldn't say because I don't even know myself. It was a stupid thing to do, and it is a wonder that he hasn't flipped out and reported me; he probably could on grounds of harassment considering our prior history. But then again, the fact he hasn't doesn't mean I have been forgiven; when he was watching me earlier it felt as though he was going to demand answers, so it was a blessing sent right from the heavens for it to be left unsaid. I just wish that I could take back those things that I've done, and said, for that matter. Hopefully it would give me a chance to prove myself this time, to let him know that I did – And still do – love him. I swear I will never hurt him again, but then, given my mentality, I probably will.
It's cold out. Although it's only just gone four, the temperature has plummeted down to nigh on freezing. With nothing but the clothes on my back and no shelter to crash at it seems as though the air is bitterly attacking me personally. My clenched fist smashes into a bench as I bite my tongue to stop the inevitable scream escaping my lips just yet. How fucking dare my parents do this to me?! How the fuck can they just leave their kid out alone in the world and not care that he has nearly died multiple times? Would they even care if they knew what Josh does? Probably not because it would just swing in the way of proving that all homosexuals are filthy men and my parents would only say that I deserved it if I am willing to be the person I am. If only they know I would give it all up if I only could.
But thinking about my family and punching benches doesn't solve my overhanging issue: I am pretty much homeless.
I check my pockets to see if I was fore-thinking enough to stuff any money or food into them. But, of course, I wasn't. I never think about anything, I just do. There is no wonder how I get into so much shit when I never plan anything out. There is no wonder why people drift away from me so easily; sure it might be fun at first, never knowing what is going to happen next, but there is only so long you can carry on like that. So with it never ending, and my way of getting myself into dangerous situations, wears down anyone could could have any possible form of attachment to me. Some times, when I realise how much of a nightmare I can be, I don't blame my mum and dad for giving up on me. It was safer for them to do so.
A smile curls up on the corner of my lips as my fingers clasp around something in my pocket. No money or food but then I don't need to eat, I just need to forget. Dolly mixture. You can call it MD~MA, mandy, ecstasy, LSD, acid, or anything you want; you can even try to name everything in the cocktail of memory loss, but at the end of the day it all boils down to the same damn thing: drugs. Sure, the drugs would be okay to take on their own, some people think there is no need to mix them all up (I mean, seriously who the hell thought to mix cocaine with LSD?) but unless you have tried it you will never truly understand just how amazing it is. The high you get beats anything in the world, and I have never felt anything that could be so string at blocking out that annoying voice in my mind.
My heart picks up, the excitement already rising my mood despite all the crap going on all around me. Nothing else in the world matters right now besides finding a safe spot to sleep for the night. I know it's early but I need to find somewhere soon, so the second I find and abandoned bench that looked to be situated in the neglected part of town, I set up base. It's not like I have anything to set up, but even so, I pull my feet up onto the seat and thank the trees and dilapidated walls for protecting it from the wind. A scattered leaf from the floor serves as as a card to crush the crystals, and I begin to pour some of the powder onto the arm of the bench. After crushing it, cutting it, and separating the lines, I roll up the leaf, hold it to my nose and breathe in my temporary haven.
Vic would have hated you doing this, my 'conscience' whispers, before it gets drowned out by the buzzing in my head. Vic would have hated this, but not anymore because he doesn't care, and why should he after what I did? I grimace at the memory of our last night together, and as an attempt to move on my mind focuses on Josh and all the events like this morning. I don't really know what's better; the memory of the guy I love who would probably want me dead, or the boy that has all but put the death theory into practice. All I know is that I want it to go away. I hold the leaf up again and breathe in line upon line, willing it to take me somewhere far away.
He's standing there, right in front of me, a smile loaded upon his beautiful, soft lips.
“Hey, sweetie, it's been a while,” his tanned hands cupping my face as he leans in,pressing his lips against mine in the most affectionate way. I bite his lip as we kiss again, and he sits down on my lap, or breath mixing together.
After a bit I slide my hands under his shirt and around his back, but he pulls away and stands up, “No, please stay, Vic, it's been so long...” A playful smile flutters on his mouth as he pulls me up, his eyes glazed with a flirtatious lust. I don't know where we are going but I couldn't even care; I love him. As he pulls me into a cubicle in the public toilets he closes the distance between us. No one will disturb us in here; it's meant to be locked. His tongue slides against my lower lip and I let him in, not caring that I want the control, as our bodies warm up.
I pull away, my breath hitching as I see just how beautiful he is. My lips trail kisses down his jaw, stopping at his neck. He really is just as I remember and as I kiss him he slips my shirt off, a short moan tumbling over his lips. I have missed this so much – actual love. The longing I feel makes me physically ache. All I want to do is move faster, but I know that Vic wouldn't want that.
But the ache intensifies into pain, and that's when I realise I've been punched. My eyes shoot up, only to see that it isn't Vic I am with, but Josh. And now I realise that everything was just another hallucination, another ping, where my mind cannot find the line of focus between reality and fantasy.
“I thought you were Vic, you fucking bastard!” I scream, flinging myself in every which was. I don't care if I hurt myself, anything would be better than what is about to happen.
“Vic is never coming back for you.” He snarls, delivering a swift knee to my gut, “You're my bitch now.”
I want to scream, to lash out and punch him, but I fight that for a moment and pour all of my anger into one comment I know won't help but it's defiance yet again taking control. I stop fighting and lay peacefully in his arms, leaning into him, “We have covered this before and I really hoped you would have learned by now that I am not a dog!” I throw myself around, convulsing in his arms once again with all the force I can put into it. I'm awarded a punch in the face that splits my lip, but I simply spit the blood that fills my mouth back into his face. “You're a fucking cunt! I hope you know that! Rot in hell you prick!”

I manage to kick him where it counts, and then his head slams forward. At first glance it seems as though he is trying to headbutt me, but then I catch the sight of someone behind him. I didn't hear him walk in over our fighting, but the fact that Vic is here both relieves me and terrifies me at the same time. I want to hide away so that he can't see they weakling I have become, but there are more pressing issues than my fucking pride right now. He punches Balz in the head, yanking him away from me and kicking him. But Josh gets back on his feet, ready and fighting, causing me to flip shit when his fist connects with Vic's eye, painting it a brilliant red colour, which I have no doubt will present itself in a beautiful merge of blues, greens and blacks by tomorrow morning. Between the two of us punching any part of him that comes into contact with us we manage to untangle me from Balz and make our escape, stumbling drunkenly over our feet to a point of safety that doesn't even exist.
Vic opens his mouth to speak but thinks better of it and carries on running, me following behind, tripping and unbalanced due to the drugs. My vision shuddering due to the time lapse hallucinations my body is being put through.
“Kellin... What... The fuck... Just happened?” he pants, confusion clouding his eyes – that or exhaustion wearing him down as he falls from the adrenaline. I shake my head, too stunned to even speak, pointing at the bench to sit down. “Who was that? What was he going to... Oh Kellin!” his delicate voice cries in disbelief as everything starts to spin around in his head, and all I can do is sit there, trying to catch my breath and process what I should say: 'Well, just after we broke up I thought you would hate me so I tried to get over you by getting on top of someone else and movin  on. But that didn't work. I picked the wrong guy to do that with because he wasn't taking any of my shit and so he has repeated beaten and forced himself on top of me for the past four months of my life'? He would think that I was a freak, and who would blame him? So much for hiding your weak side. “Kellin, look at me, who was that guy?” his eyes were wide, frightened orbs.
“Oh... Uhh... That was Joshua Balz, and let's just say that I'm not exactly on his good side.” I say, daring myself to meet his eyes
“Was he going to... You know... Do things with you?” He is just as awkward as the last time we spoke – It's funny because it was a sensitive topic last time too.
I look away, unable to meet his gaze, not when we are talking about what would have happened. My hands fall to my lap, and my eyes follow them. That's when I realise that I left my top in the toilets. I didn't think to pick it up in the struggle. “No.” I lie. I knew he was going to hurt me, and Vic probably does too – He isn't exactly thick, now, is he? - but he knows better than to press me for information.
“you must be cold,” he says, pressing his hand against my arm. His hand lingers there for a bit more than necessary, but it's okay; it warms me, sending the skin around it into tingles. I just want to pull him close and hold him. He shrugs out of his hoodie and passes it to me.
“Y-you don't need to. I am fine.” but I put it on anyway, longing for something to make me feel less exposed. There is no way that I could possibly tell him that I don't feel cold because of the drugs.
“Why did you come in?” we've been sitting in a kind of awkward but comfortable silence for a while now. I need to know why he even cared enough to help me.
“I was walking past and I could hear struggling, but I thought it was meant to be locked so I got worried. Something just didn't seem right about it. Then I heard what you were shouting, and I was worried that he was going to hurt you – whoever he was because I couldn't hear if he was saying anything; he was too quiet - but I just, I didn't want you to get hurt...” his voice trails off, embarrassed. But that was nothing compared to the embarrassment that was pulsating through my veins. Not only has he seen me pressed up against the wall by another man who was ab I thought he was Vic? How embarrassing would that be? I already feel as though he caught me cheating on him tonight, even though we aren't together and probably never will be again, but the image of him running in and seeing that hurts like a stab in the chest, closing my throat as warm tears try to fall down my face.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice barely even audible, “But I think I'm going to go to bed now.”
“That's okay. Do you, err, want me to walk you home?”
“No, it's okay; it's not really all that great.” I say. Part of me wants him to just leave, but then I don't want him to go.
“No, Kellin, I don't feel safe about just leaving you to find your own way home, not with what just happened. And I don't care how many times you tell me that wasn't serious and that nothing would have happened if I hadn't walked in at that moment, because I know something would have, and I know that how it would have panned out would have made me fucking sick to even think about it. So, if you think I am just going to leave you out here all alone when I know for a fact that it might just happen again, you're wrong. I don't want to see that happen to you. Not again. And I don't care about how shabby it is, as long as you're not going to be sleeping on this bench here, but have an actual roof over you head all is okay. I really couldn't care how it looks.”
I shift uncomfortably, unable to look him in the eye, trying to find a way out of this a deflect the line of thought.
“Oh, Kellin...” his voice wafers, growing higher as you can hear the tears try to present themselves, “You were going to sleep here, weren't you”
“No, I really don't have to sleep here;there are plenty other fine benches out there, so why outcast them and make them feel worthless just because I am too lazy to walk there?” I try a laugh, but it sounds bitter and empty, and Vic knows it.
“look, come home with me tonight. I know my parents aren't happy about you, but they can get lost because I can't just leave you on the street. I...err... care too much.”
“What do you mean 'about me'?” I ask, “Why did you say 'about me' rather than 'with me' as in, you know, you're parents aren't happy with me?”
“Oh, err, well they... they found out about us. Before, that is.” his eyes drop from mine, his teeth sinking down onto his lip, making him look the perfect mixture of sexy and adorable. I could tell that he added the 'before' part as an after thought by how there was a pause. Did he do that on purpose, or was that a genuine mistake made by someone who wanted things to go back to how they used to be?”
“Oh.” I said. “I'm sorry.”
The sun had long ago set by the time we were standing outside of Vic's house (It must be about 10pm, now and the chill was starting to seep into my pores as the drug's grip on my sanity started to sway) and after what seemed like forever I started to shake and shiver. There was nothing on Earth that I wanted more right now than to cuddle up to Vic, I didn't even want to fuck him, I just wanted to hug him, and hold him all close, to feel his breath on my shoulder as we hugged, and his arms around me. To feel his heart beating with mine.
“Urm, Kellin, how do you feel about climbing up a tree and through my bedroom window?” I think he must have seen how wide my eyes grew, and came to the conclusion that I was shaking too much to get up the tree by myself, so he crouched down in front of me and linked his fingers together, “Step up on my hand and I'll give you a boost, then I'll climb up past you and show you the root,”
“Vic, are you in the same room as you used to be?” I asked, my brain going into free fall with ideas.
“Yeah, why?”
“I know the root then,” I smile, stepping up into his hands and grab a branch. Maybe it's because it's been so long since I was last with Vic, or maybe it's due to my rapid weight loss as I tumble down the dark gateway into drugs that I forgot just how strong Vic actually is. There is no doubt he has been working out, but then again, it wouldn't surprise me with how the family used to treat him when I last knew him. And I'm certain things would have gotten worse if they have found out that their son is gay.
As Vic scurries past me, his arms flexing as he pulls himself up the tree, he bumps into me. Both of us breathe our apologies to one another, but a couple seconds pass before he moves. I guess that, just like me, he remembers the love that was once held between the two of us every time we touch. But it must be so different for him, because he must be so scared that I will hurt him again, and I just wish that he could know how badly I hated myself after that. How my hatred of myself was what caused my life to spin out of my control because everything I have done since then was just a way to forget the crap I have caused for me and the ones around me. I follow the root he takes, my vision still being unpredictable and unreliable but a bit better than it was before. In all honesty, it isn't my vision that leads me to his window but my memory.
His hand meets mine, his delicate skin feeling like silk against my own, as he pulls me through the window. For a moment it feels just like it did all those months ago when I could call him mine, when he would wake up to me waiting for him, and he would help me into the house, only to kiss me as e get distracted by our love rather than doing anything proactive such as planning a date. But I couldn't have cared because he was mine and I as his and we were young and in love. Nothing in the world mattered to me in those short moments of bliss. When I was in his arms I would allow myself to forget my family and all the shit that was falling down around me. In those short moments I would even allow myself to forget about all the bad things I had done, and just be. That was all I ever wanted, to forget the shit and just live, happily, with Vic for the rest of our lives. But that wasn't now. Now was completely different, and sure I might still have those feelings about how I want to escape everything and just live in Vic's arms, but there is no way that could ever happen. I would only hurt him again.
“You can, err, borrow my clothes tomorrow if you want,” Vic says, but I can tell that there is something else he wants to say, but he needs to break the ice first, as if whatever he says could somehow be upsetting.
“Thanks, it means a lot,” Even though the high is wearing off, I know the really shit come down won't kick in properly until tomorrow, and I don't know what I will do then; would Vic cared if I got high again to just delay the comedown?
“I'm guessing you didn't pack a bag when you left?” His eyes darting up and down my body, as if he is assessing how long I've been in these clothes or something.
“Urmm, well I left were I was this morning, but I didn't really have time to pack I just had to leave.” My heart was pounding in my chest but for some reason being able to tell someone what I had experienced soothed me, and I didn't care if I shouldn't be talking to Vic, and I didn't care if I was treading on thin ice being here, I just needed to get all of this out of my system.
“How come you had to leave? I know you weren't on good terms with your parents but... what happened?”
“Oh, I didn't leave my parents today. They kicked me out shorty after... well, you know... we broke up. So I moved in with Balz.” I could see him open his mouth. “Yes, the same guy you met today. Well when I was kicked out onto the streets I coped for about a week, and then I met Balz and he seemed really nice...” And I broke down in tears, my eyes filled with the toxic water that has needed to be released from my body for so long that it stings when it does. I never meant to do this, but I couldn't keep it to myself anymore, so I blurted out everything about the last four months of my life. About how Josh was nice for a while, so nice in fact that I didn't realise what he was doing hen he was making more and more demands and would get angry every time I didn't do it.
At first he would apologise for what he did, saying that he would never do it again, that it was all because I made him angry and he coudn't control it. So I believed him, thinking that maybe if I was a good person I wouldn't anger him as much, and that everything as my fault. I thought that if I loved him like I told him I did I would do whatever he said, whether it be for work, or sexual needs. I never thought that maybe if he loved me like he said he did then he wouldn't make me do everything even when I didn't want to. But I knew deep down that I didn't love him; I was still in love with Vic, and those times I told Josh that he meant everything to me, and that I would always love him was just words to sweeten whatever it as that we had. And I think even he knew it wasn't true, so there is no wonder that he grew mad with me. I'm not sure if he ever intended to do what he did, but I know that I was ignorant to start with, and I believed him whenever he told me that he loved me and that he actually care about me. And that was my biggest mistake. All the signs were showing, the manipulation, the abuse, everything, but I was just so blind that I didn't realise what was going on. It was only when he repeatedly punched me so hard that I was lying unconscious for a couple hours, and when I woke up I found out he had had his way with me, did I realise that this really wasn't right, and I needed to get out. But every time I tried to leave he would always find me, bringing me back. Even though I hated everything he stood for, he was also the thing I needed because I knew I would be homeless again, with no clothes on my back, no food in my pocket and no money to get anything. The drugs would only last for so long, and when they ran dry I would be completely and utterly alone. That is if I wasn't dead by then.
When I finished Vic was just sitting there, his mouth open, nearly reduced to tears himself.
“K-Kellin, can I... give you a hug?” his voice barely above a whisper.
I nod, my mouth dry, “I'd like that,” I say. A small smile falls upon my lips as I feel Vic's arms snake around me. Although his arms arm thick and strong he seems so delicate that I might just snap him. I take in a deep breath, inhaling in his sent as though it would gave me the courage to do the next move. I turn to face him, and wrap my arms around him as well, noting how his fringe falls just as perfectly as it used to, before resting my head on his shoulder. “I'm really tired, can we got to sleep now?” After taking in another breath, “I never meant to hurt you, Vic. I still care about you.”
His arms squeeze me tightly for a second before he pulls back, looking me in the eyes with a smile spreading across his face. “Let's talk about that another day, Kels. I care about you too; why else would I have brought you here when it could get me into trouble?” he rests his forehead against mine, and for a second I thought he was going to kiss me, but no, of course not. Instead he stands up, holding my wrist and pulling me up with him to the bed. “If you sleep on the inside they won't know you're here,” he tries to rationalise it, but I can tell he is being more daring than I would have ever thought of him to be. Especially when I was the one to hurt him and caused all of these beatings. “Do you mind if I take my skinny jeans off though? I know it might be awkward but they will hurt to sleep in...” His eyes were those of innocence, and I knew that if I had said no he would have slept in them, but at the end of the day it didn't matter to me.
“Do you mind if I do the same?”
“Sure, as long as you have boxers on underneath,” His laugh that follows is sweet and refreshing, putting me at ease as I quickly remove my skinny jeans as elegantly as I can – but, being a guy who is still under the influence of drugs, means I take a nice fall onto my ass with my trousers wrapped around my ankles. Vic bursts out into a fit of laughter, and I join him, feeling free to actually find things funny for once, rather than worrying about everything else that is going on.
“You... You're such... a retard!” he manages to say between fits of giggles.
“We... We need to... be quiet though.” I gasp, and point to the right, which was Vic's parents' room the last time I was here. He nods, getting the idea and puts his hand over his mouth to muffle the laughter.
It takes a good few minutes to calm us down, but even when we are relatively calm you can hear one or the other giggling along to themselves, which only multiplies every time we look at one another. A top is thrown at me, which I catch mid air with a questioning look towards the smaller boy standing before me.
“You're not sleeping in my hoodie, okay? I love it too much!” He pokes his tongue out at me, and I smile.
“Fine then, I see what you're playing at; you just want me to strip in front of you, don't you?” I wink at him, a smirk pulling my the corners of my mouth as a soft blush fills his cheeks.
“No... err.. I didn't...”
“Nope, I see, you just find me irresistible,” I say, pulling off his hoodie, smirking as I stand there for as long as I can, pretending that I don't know what way around the top is, and turn it inside-out about three times just to drag it out. My eyes flutter up to his, to see them trailing up and down, taking it all in as though he hasn't seen me in years. Which, makes me chuckle because he saw me earlier when we were running away. But then I guess we had bigger issues to hand, like, what just happened and as I going to be killed and whatnot. As I slowly slip my top on, I step forward, my eyes only a few centimeters from his, and despite him being slightly shorter than me, I could feel his breath hot against my lips. I could see him leaning in to kiss me, his eyes closed. I could see him going up onto his tiptoes, and I wanted to kiss him so bad, I wanted to feel his lips against mine, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bring myself to kiss him because that would mean he would love me again and I would only hurt him. “Let's go to bed, eh?” he pulls away, not looking me in the eye and my heart sunk to see that I had hurt him again.
I crawled into bed, Vic following behind, trying not to look at me, and I could almost hear what would be going through his head right now:'You idiot, how could you could do something so stupid! Of course he doesn't like you!' But if only he knew that I loved him, but I can't bring myself to kill him, and I know that it will probably happen if I allowed this to happen. But he probably doesn't even love me, he is probably kidding himself into the thoughts because it feels like it a few months back, but none of it's real. He doesn't love me, and I don't love him.
But, of course, I know I do. I love him more than anything in the world.
His skin is soft against mine, my arms pressed up against his as we fight over space in the bed. It feels so weird to be able to lie down next to someone in bed and not worry about him hurting me. I know Vic wouldn't; he doesn't have the ability to hurt anyone. Not out of malice anyway.
“Kellin? I just want you to know that I never believed what they said.”
“Hmm? Who said what?” I slurred, but this time it wasn't due to any intoxication I have put myself through, but from the sleep that was trying to pull me under.
“Everyone. They said you were evil, that you would do this to anyone because you are a psychopath and a spiteful person. I never believed them, and I still don't. You're not a bad person, Kels, just remember that.”
My eyes were nearly glued together by the fatigue that filled me, but with the warmth of what he said filling my mind I couldn't hold myself back this time. I reached forward, my arm wrapping around his waist and kissed his neck, “Thank you, Vic. I never meant to hurt you.” And I could feel his hold body relax, and he placed his hand on top of mine, and we fell into the deep abyss that would shelter us for the rest of the night.