You Still Have All of My Heart

Like most days in this house I didn't wake up to the sounds of a peaceful family; quite the contrary. The yelling from downstairs was what brought my attention back to reality. I was having this amazing dream (Although at first, if I am honest with myself, it was like a nightmare) that I was with Kellin. I had saved him from this man who had him pinned up against the wall and was sure to do unimaginable, wrong things to that boy. We were running for ages, and the cool night air was falling around us. But then things got out of control and we ended up in my room talking about the unmentionable events that have happened in our lives – Well, mainly Kellin's, with the exeption of the brief mention about the dagger that drew us apart – and I had tried to kiss him. Which he refused, of course, because it was stupid of me to do that. But in the end we were sharing my bed.

As my senses pull me up from my slumber, the weight of an arm draped across my waist and a head resting on my chest tells me that the dream I had last night wasn't a dream at all. Everything I had thought was a figment of my imagination was actually a real event. I smile a little, taking in a breath and allowing Kellin's scent to fill my lungs. But just as soon as the happiness warmed my heart, so did the thoughts of the last time I saw him, and the fighting downstairs really didn't help.

I leapt out of my bed, jolting Kellin to conciousness.
“Dude, what the fuck happened; did someone get shot?” he said, wiping the sleep from his eyes, but you could tell that he didn't realise he was here by the way he blinked repeatedly. When he looked up at me I could visibly see his eyes trail up and down my body as though he was still feeling the same playful, suggestive mood as he was last night. But I knew that he wasn't actually going to do anything, I mean, come on he fucking rejected me when I tried to kiss him.
“No, but shut the hell up before you do.” I hiss, trying not to sound too harsh, but I was trying to work out what the fuck was actually going on. Slipping on my skinny jeans from last night, (Trying not to think about how I was lying in bed with my ex in nothing but my boxers and loose shirt, and he was the same) I heard Mike raise his voice. And that is when I knew that shit was getting real down there. As if to answer my suspicions I heard the slap that resonated through the house. I didn't even need to look at Kellin to know his eyes would have gone wide; even though he knew that it was common in the house he has never been in here when it's happened.

I didn't care what was going on anymore; I would pick up what the argument was about when I was in the middle of it, but right now I didn't care what Mike could have possibly said to have caused this, the only thing that was resonating through my head was the same two words that flash up whenever this happens: Save Mike.
“Oh, how fucking perfect, the faggot steps up to act like fucking Jesus,” Dad spits as his eyes flicker up to me.
“Yeah, well I might be a 'faggot' but at least I would never lay a hand on somsone unless they deserved it,” I step in front of Mike, standing between him and my father. I don't bother rasing my voice because I know this only annoys him further.
“Vic, what are you doing?” Mike whispers, his eyes wide with fear because he knows what will happen, but before I can reply I am cut of with a slap across my face.
My eyes water at the hit, and the skin feels as though it has been set alight, “Mike did deserve it for what he did, and so do you, you disgusting faggot.”
“I'm sorry but I didn't realise that me fucking guys is that disgusting, because what I think is fucking disgusting is how a parent can hit their fucking kid for doing so, but think that it is fucking fine for a girl and a guy to parttake in anal sex! What the fuck? What is the fucking logic?” The punch that followed my statement wasn't unexpected.
“Why the fuck are you even living? For that matter, why are you?” He screams, his eyes darting to Mike, “You just as bad as your faggot brother here! Get out of my sight!” Mike takes this as his cue to leave, and I follow, eager to check if he is okay. “Not you! You can stay here and learn your lesson for what you said!”

My face stings from the blows it has already suffered, but it doesn't stop me from hissing, “Why? Because I hit a fucking weak spot? What ever happened to unconditional love, eh?”
“That died when I found out you were sleeping with a fucking boy!” his clenched fist connects with the side of my head, knocking me to the ground. Pushing my legs under me, I tried to take this as my opportunity to escape. I knew from expercience that if I was quick enough I might escape it... for a while, but then it will only continue when I return. It would only be worse when I came back, but there was no point in just laying there, allowing the punches to land on me, knocking the wind right out of my lungs. I sucked in a long, deep breath then held it. There is no way I would allow myself to cry out as his fists left their mark on my already discoloured skin. Even though I knew that he knew I was in pain, and that I would be sporting some nicely coloured patches of skin by tomorrow, there was no way in hell I was about to let him have the satisfaction of hearing me in pain. But as I got to my feet I was pushed back down, pain now searing through my head. I can feel something warm and wet over my cheek.
“Get the fuck away from him!” I could hear Kellin's voice that had gone from his usual girly, high pitched, to the deep, grating sound he does when he's angry.
“What the fuck ar-”
“NOW!” He cut in before my dad could finish his sentence. I wanted to get up, to stop Kellin from fighting my dad because he shouldn't have to do this, but my head was spinning and my vision was blurred. I could hear a smack, but there was no telling who delievered it. But within a second my hand was yanked up and I was dragged to the door before Kelin fully stooped down and picked me up bridal style, running out of the house.

“Mike! I need Mike! I need to keep him safe! Kellin, take me back!” I was screaming, my mind going wild as I thrashed about in his arms, trying to get back into the house, but with my strength diminishing and Kellin running as fast as he could the house was quickly out of sight.
“Chill, Vic, I am right here!” I heard Mike pout, and I cannot tell you how relieved I was to hear that stupid voice of his. I started sobbing, big, loud sobs that shook my whole body. I didn't care who could see how weak I was.

After a few minutes I was put down, still crying my heart out. Kellin and Mike were panting with exhustion, but I could feel Kellin tense up.
“He's not going... to hurt us... out here,” I say between sobs, but that doesnt stop the scream from leaving Kellin's lips. He punches a tree that stands beside us, and I realise that I am lying on the damp grass from the morning dew. I find comfort in the damp ground because there is no way Dad will hurt us in public – people who manipulate others into believing they are harmless whilst beating the shit out of their kids would never do it in public where people could see the evidence. Right now no one could prove who it was that had hit me without the statements from Kellin and Mike, even though charges are never going to br pressed against them; I can't let other people know. A wet piece of material is pressed against my head, and I wince at the stinging pain it causes to sear through my skin. He must have messed my face up a bit, even though he always vowed to only damage the less visible parts of me. Maybe he is losing control; that wouldn't surprise me.

My eyes flutter open to Kellin's brown ones that are filled with a layer of salty tears. When he sees me looking, he quickly shakes his head, putting up a mask to hide the fact he was nearly crying. My heart sinks. Does he not trust me? Of course he doesn't; how could he with out past?
“I... I never knew that would happen...” he bit his lip, which only went in the way of making him even more attractive to me.
“It's not always like this,” I said. But then my eyes go wide and I sit up straight, my eyes level with his, “I... I heard a smack... did... did he hurt you?”
His eyes dart away from me, and I can feel my anger flooding back about my dad, “No, I don't think he would hit me because he knows he can't control me... he was going to, but I got there first... sorry.” Sorry? Why would he be sorry about that?
“It's fine... I thought he would have hit you and I would hate myself if that had happened.”
It feels as though my breath has been knocked right out of my lungs at the thought of Kellin being hurt.

“Urm, I'm here, you know?” Mike coughs, and that's when I realise that Kellin and I have been staring at one another as though we are having a silent conversation about what happened, and that to him this must be confusing as fuck. The last time he saw Kellin we had broken up and I wasn't in a good psychical state. I turn to him, moving away from Kellin, embarassment colouring my cheeks. “What... happened?” he asked, his voice soft as he glanced between the two of us, too afraid to ask the whole question: What happened last night to mean Kellin staying the night?
“Oh... well I kind of saved this twat from a fight last night, so I guess he did the same for me today...” I wink at Kellin after calling him a twat. Let's be honest though, he is; he might be an adorbale twat, but he is a twat none the less.
“But I let a lot more happen to you before it stopped though,” his voice had this deep, botomless sound to it that made me think of him standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down at the tempting fall.
I shook the memory away, and rolled my eyes, “Really? Judging by last night it's a miracle I intervened because it would have followed the path it clearly has for multiple times... I can't believe I never stopped it before...”
“Guys, you can throw your pity party later, because I think you need to talk a lot of things through that I have no understanding of, but while I am here, I would appreicate it if you didn't eye fuck each other in front of me and told me what's happening instead.” my face grew hotter; I wasn't eye fucking him that much, I was only checking him out. And Kellin really wasn't doing that to me... was he?
“Us, tell you what's happening?” I remark, “I think you need to explain what this morning was about.” His eyes fall to the ground and he shuffles about.

“I don't think he agrees about me having any relationships...”
“Why not, you're not gay so why would he hate you?” I can see his breath catch in his throat as he shuffles even more, his eyes not lifting from the grass below us. “Wait, Mike, are you gay?!” I cry, joy and confusion rising in my voice. How fucking cool would it be to have a gay brother as well; that way I wouldn't be alone. He shakes his head, and the joy falls from my body, leaving only confusion. Maybe it is better he isn't gay because then he wouldn't get bullied. “If you're not gay, then what caused this?”
“I, urm, I'm not gay, don't worry.” he laughs, but it sounds like a cover, “It's just, well I don't think Dad likes the fact that I am growing up and making my own decisions. He, well, he hates my girlfriend, and yeah... confusion.”
Kellin and I just glance at each other, but figure if Mike isn't willing to talk about it, he will say it another day. Maybe there is something important going on for him right now, and he might just need time to figure it out by himself first before he can tell me. That's understandable but sometimes it is easier to tell someone else and get it off your chest.

We didn't push him though. Maybe one day soon he will be ready to tell us (Or maybe he will just open up when Kellin isn't here.) but we didn't force him to tell us. Instead, we explained why Kellin was in my room this morning, leaving out a lot of the details. All Mike knew was that Kellin had gotten into a fight yet again, and I ran in at last minute and helped him out. We told mike that we had sorted through some of the issues, but he knew better than to mention the day-that-cannot-be-named; it was like a silent tie that knotted us all together, but no one had the guts to talk about.

It was only when I turned around I realised that we ought to be in school rather than talking in the middle of the street, well on the side of the street by a park. After doing a quick mental survey of the situation we are in, I decide not to force everyone into school – even though I am only about a year older than Mike I always feel responsible for him like a father because of the lack of the authoritative figure from our own parents – because Mike, Kellin, nor I had any of our school stuff with us, and I didn't really want to go back to that hell hole of a home right now just to get it. My Dad would probably go ape on us, and Mum would be awake now as well, and I don't think I have enough energy to fight off the two of them.

We walked to the park, the awkward silence lessened dramactically by the short conversation we had earlier, but I can still sense some tension from Mike as if he is fighting with himself about telling me something or not. Kellin and I, however, are acting like kids again, and are pushing each other as we walk in. Of course, if anyone wonders where we are they would check places like this straight away, but I didn't care what they thought about me. I hardly take days off, and I am sure they would buy an excuse I feed them because they don't like losing students that are actually doing good in education. Kellin, however, was a different story. Not only was he a new student so he had to give them a good impression, but he also wasn't that good in education, not because he was stupid or anything, but because he just never applies himself. I guess that's his way of coping with all of the shit that is going on for him. There are so many dark things that even I haven't unlocked yet, but I know that they hurt him, he just tries to hide it as much as he can by pushing it to the back of his mind and carrying on.

I excuse myself from the two of them, walking a fair enough distance so that they can't hear me befoe fishing my phone out of my pocket and sighing in relief to know that I left it in my skinny jeans last night. I dialled the school number and was still deciding what voice to put on when the phone was picked up,
“Hello, how can I help you?”
“Hi there, I am just calling to tell you that Kellin Quinn won't be in school because he came down with a fever last night,” My voice sounded mature, but as I tried to make it sound more adult it got higher.
“May I ask who is calling?”
“His Aunt.” I scrunch up my nose as what I just said hit me.
“Oh, okay.” She said, and my heart skipped a beat because I wasn't sure whether she caught on I wasn't a guy. But then I realised that she is probably wondering why it's not his mum calling in,
“He's stayed with me last night because it was easeier for him and his parents were out.” I clarify, before saying my farewells and ending the call.

I do the same for Mike, making up the excuse that he would have been in school if it wasn't for the fact that he was up half of the night throwing up. When you mention anything to do with being sick or having diarehia, it's amazing how quick they are to end the conversation and accept your excuse. This time I just used my actual voice and explained that I was looking after him, they seemed inquisitive at first, but like always, they just moved on and accepted the fact that I was off schol; if Mike had a stomach bug (Even though the whole situation was completely bullshit) they wouldn't want me waltzing into school today just in case I had it as well and managed to spread it across the school in the six lessons that make up my day.

As I turn around I see Kellin sitting on the swing, with his eyes fixed on me as he slowly swings back and forth. When I approach him a smirk is plastered upon his lips, which are lightly parted, showing his brilliant teeth, “Hey, cutie, want to swing with me?” He winked and bit his bottom lip, looking very cute and seductive. I could hear Mike gag in the background, he really doesn't like Kellin's playfullnes, does he?
“Sorry, baby, but I don't swing that way.” I poke my tongue out at him, and chuckle.
“But, baby, what about last night? Did that mean nothing to you? I lost my virginity to you and you don't even care?!” His eyes were wide, his arms flinging out to the side in his exclamation. All in all, he looked as though he was in genuine confusion and distress, but I tried to hold in the laughter bubbling up from inside of me.
“I am sorry. I... I was drunk, and it was an easy mistake to make, I mean, with your voice as high it is and your porceline skin, I completely confused you as a girl! Who could balme me? I was so drunk I didn't even realise you had a dick, but that was an easy mistake to make!” Everyone was looking at us now, and although there weren't many people you could feel their full attention on us as they prepared the lecture they would give to their kids tonight about how they need to wait until they are ready and how gay people shouldn't exist. But I didn't care what they were thinking of us right now, we were having fun. And fun is exactly what we all need right now. He grabbed his heart in feigned hurt.
“Guys, just get over the fact you're gay and make out already,” Mike said, and I couldn't keep the laughter back anymore.

Tears were flowing freely from my eyes as I lay doubled up on the floor, clutching my sides from the pain that was stabbing through them, and still I couldn't stop laughing. Kellin and Mike sat there, looking at me as though I am completely insane because it wasn't that funny. Sure, they laughed, but they stopped a while back, and here I was still laughing. The longer I laughed, the more aware of how weird I was, I became, and therefore I laughed even more due to embarrassment. Kellin was chuckling to himself at the sight of me, but I still clutched to my sides.
“Vic, breathe please,” he says, pulling my arms away and holding me down, his hands either side of my waist as he tries to stop me from genuinely rolling on the floor from laughing.

But I coudn't stop, so he moved closer, his knees on my thighs and his arms pinning down my shoulders. It was his contact that made my breathing hitch as I slowly stopped laughing, although every so often I would splutter again due to embarassment. Kellin didn't get off me though, his arms still pushing me down, into the floor. For someone with such scrawny arms as he does, he sure holds a lot of strength. My eyes were fickering from his beautiful ones, to his lips, and back up. I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me, now, and the glaze in his eyes suggests he wants the same. When his eyes flicker down to my lips yet again, I just want to yell at him to kiss me already, but then he shakes his head and pulls back. Correct me if I am wrong, but something tells me that, that devil boy who parents hates so much wanted to kiss me just then. Why would he not though? He knows I wanted to kiss him, so why would he not carry it out? Why does he suddenly choose no to be responisble? I swear to God that boy will be the fucking death of me.

As he pulls back, it seems as though he has fallen into a pit of despair because thats when I realise his eyes are drooping and his body is slumped over. Anybody who didn't know him would simply presume that he was tired. But I wasn't as innocent to them; I knew how Kellin behaves, and so it only took me a moment to realise what was happening. Fuck, he has fallen so far from where he once stood proud, but a part of me knew better than to lecture him about this, like I would have before, because it was clear that he had a hell of a lot of shit he was trying to deal with right now and there is no wonder he tried to find a release for these pent up emotions. Instead of getting annoyed with him, I simpy felt his pity, and crawled over to him, as I watched him fold in on himself. It was as if he was picking up his corners and turning them in, folding himself so that there was no defined edge to him. In all honesty, he looked scared.

I wrap my arms around him, holding him so close that I could feel his heart, and hear his breath, all sloppy and irregular. My eyes shoot up to Mike who sent me a questioning look, but I ignored it, continued holding Kellin, and told him that I'll explain later. It hurt to see Kellin like this again but I knew there was nothing I could do to stop this. Especially not when it's already happened; there is no possible way to turn back time, so you just have to wait for it to pass. His body looked so fragile and sore, as though even breathing was killing him inside. How could a boy carry so much emotional pain around with him all the time but never let people know? It seems so wrong. Kellin isn't like this; he is always hyper and happy and doesn't care about a thing. The Kellin I know is always flirtatious and just perfect, but then he has this dark side that starts a war with him internally every now and again, and I never know what to do. What can you do for someone who just wants to fall off the face of the Earth?

He's tired, exhauseted even. I don't need to see the dark cirlces around his eyes to know that because his whole demeanour shows it perfectly enough as it is. With each shuddering breath it feels as though he might just give up and not take the next one. But he does. Every time, I can hear his breath going in and out. It may be irregular but it is still there. And that's all I want right now. As I rub small cirlces on his back, trying to soothe the anxieties and horrific thoughts that were certain to be running through his head right now. Why do we do this to ourselves? We find a temporary escape from the shit we are feeling, knowing full well that it will only make the pain ten times worse when we come back down, but it never stops us from trying again. We know the damage we are causing to ourselves, and it might be due to the urges to fulfill self-destruction, but when the temporary high leaves us we are back to square one, and it feels as though we are left with no other option than to do it again. It's a sick sad world that we live in, if people are willing to destruct themselves just to relieve some of the pressure that they feel from everyone around them. People should never have to hurt themselves because they need to or because they think they deserve it. That shouldn't be how the world works. But sadly, it is.

My lip falls between my teeth as I concentrate on my thoughts. I don't want to have to do this, but I don't think it would be a good idea sitting out here for much longer because people will start to wonder what is going on, and I don't think Kellin really needs any unwanted attention right now. He probably wants to just feel invisible, so having people stare at him won't make matters any better.
“Kellin, I know you don't want to move, but I need to get you to home, okay?” he didn't respond to this – not that I had expected him to – so I gently nudge him, and repeat myself, “I'm going to get you home.”
“I don't have a home,” He spat. My chest felt as though it had just suffered a blow, because he sounded comepletely and utterely hopeless.
“I know you don't, but I am not just going to let you sit here and sleep on the streets. I don't care how muchtrouble this gets me in, I am taking you back to my home right now and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”
“Just let me die, please. I just want to stop breathing and simply not exist anymore.” I didn't want to listen to it anymore, it hurt to see him in so much pain and know that I can't do a damned thing to stop it.

I scooped him up in my arms, smiling slightly at the thought of this morning. Last night I had saved Kellin, and today he did the same for me, he then carried me in his arms and ran, and now I am doing the same for him. We seem to like repaying favours to one another, clearly. I wondered what other favours we could pay each other, but as I looked down at his lips I shook the thought from my head. I loved him, I really did, but I can't do that. He doesn't care about me like that anymore, and why should I still kid myself into thinking I would have a chance with him. He would sooner kill me than be with me again, and is it really worth such a risk?

The thing about Kellin is that deep down he is terrified of himself. He is child that is all too aware of the damage he can cause, and so he goes about his life trying to prevent the worse from happening. He spends his entire life trying to avoid the anger that will always come his way because he is terrified of what would happen if he would let his anger out – and if I am honest, I do not blame him because he has seen the worst of himself, and when the dark thoughts take over it is like he isn't actually himself anymore. That's what happened when we broke up, something seemed to snap within him and someone else took over his body, he couldn't control what he was doing. Just before he plunged the knife into me, leaving me to die, I could see an internal battle within his eyes. It was as if he was trying to fight back against whatever dark persona he has locked up within him, and as his eyes flashed from one persona to another there was a split second of nothing but genuine, bottomless fear.

As we neared my home I could feel the panic rising from within me in case my mother and father were up – Although, I don't see how I can call them that when Kellin has been more of a parent to me than they have, and he is extremely irresponsible at times – but as I got closer I gathered my wit and remembered the fact that they would have gone to work today rather than just staying at home because it would only raise suspiscion. For now, Kellin, Mike, and I were safe.

With my younger brother by me side, I softly kicked the front door open, laughing at how they still don't know how to lock the fucking door, and carried Kellin in. Mike was visibly shaking as we got up the stairs and headed for my room, and I could tell he wanted to just leave us in case it was awkward, but I wouldnt allow him to be by himself – not after this morning. I lay Kellin down on the bed, and he mumbles, making no real attempt to protest what was happening to him. I am pretty sure he doesn't even know or care right now. Before going back to Mike I quickly checked Kellin's pockets to see if he had anything he could potentially hurt himself with. As my finger clasped around the bag, I already knew what I was going to find, and so I quickly pulled it out and tried to remove it, but Kellin fought back.
“No, Vic, I am sorry. I... I need that!” I pull my arm out of his grip, “Please...” he begs, and the tears begin to well up.
“Hush now, Kels, it's going to be okay. You're safe, I promise you. I'll keep them safe,” I lie, but it's enough to calm him. He turns on his side, lying in the fetal postition as he let's the tears fall.

It takes a while for him to calm down properly – although I know he won't feel better for most of the day, but it's just good to see that he isn't shaking violently from the sobs. That's what happens when he uses death object like these, and there is no doubt in my mind that they will be taking a trip down the toilet sooner rather than later to stop them from doing anymore damage to this broken, lost boy. When I feel as though he's safe enough to leave for a moment, I look to Mike, who's eyes are still wide with unasked questions.
“You, follow me.” I order, and he actually follows my lead for once.

When I get into the other room, making sure to stay close enough to hear if Kellin does anything impulsive, I cast my gaze on my younger brother. If I am honest with myself though, there are very few similarities between us. For example, his skin is much lighter than mine, and he is much taller than me, despite me being the older of the too. But I suppose the biggest difference between the two of us is that I am a homosexual who doesn't really do a lot to hide it, but he is the perfect son (Although no son would be perfect for my family) with him being straight and having a girlfriend it already sets him a better leg to stand on. But he did seem a bit nervous when I mentioned his sexuality earlier so I suppose something could kind of be happening about that, but maybe he is like most hormonal teenagers; it isn't exactly uncommon for people to question their sexuality.
“Are you and Kellin back together?” His eyes looked sad,
“No. We're not together again, and I am pretty sure he has moved on, but he needed someone to support him, that's all.”
“Oh, it's just... you seem to be having a lot of moments and...”
“And what?”
“I don't want you getting hurt again.” I knew this would be brought up; it always does.
“He won't.” I snap. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I just wish people stopped looking at me as though I was a fucking victim; I'm not. “What was today actually about, though?”
“It doesn't matter. Seriously. Thank you, though.” And like that the conversation was dead so I left the room and walked back into my own.

Seeing Kellin lying on my bed brought back a wave of nostaglia. And sure, I could pass it off as love because it was, but the sense of nostalgia was still there. I could still remember the times where I would cry, and he would cheer me up by being his usual flirty self and pressing kissing along my cheek. He was so caring, but he held some dark secrets. It didn't stop me loving him though. I don't think anything could stop me from doing that. Hell, if I can still sit with him, hold him close to me and have to stop myself from kissing him after what happened between the two of us then I don't think anything could ever tear us apart really. A soft smile makes its way onto my lips as I allow every detail of this precious boy to infiltrate itself into my mind, knowing full well I will lose sleep over him tonight. But, right now, I couldn't care how many nights I spent up thinking about him, having these moments were the very thing I missed about us. Sure there could be better moments than seeing him feeling so low he wants to stop existing, but it let's me know we still have that connection and a level of trust I have never had with anyone else. And so I simply sit with him, thinking about how amazing it would be to have his lips pressed against mine once again.

“Hey, Kels, you're still perfect, okay?” I whisper as I place a blanket over his fragile body even though I know he probably can't hear me. He's fallen asleep now, but that is probably the best thing for him. I don't know what will happen for tonight, but I guess we can sort that out when it comes about.