You Still Have All of My Heart

Chapter Five - Kellin - All I Can Taste Is This Moment

My mind was spinning it's thoughts about at a pace that didn't even seem humanly possible. But maybe that's just what it is; maybe I am not human. After all, I can act like an animal at times. Vic knows it and so do I. And judging by everyone around me, they do too. No one really questions me about my life anymore though but that is probably because they are afraid that if they say just one simple word to me I might just flip and a drive a stake through their heart again – I never knew I was that much of a blood sucking vampire in people's eyes, but I have to admit it both amuses and depresses me.
“Hey, Kels, you're still perfect, okay?” his soft voice floated into my ears, warming my heart, but I was too far towards sleep to reply. Also, I kind of think he didn't really want me to hear it, and so I wasn't going to ruin it for him. But it is at this moment that I vow to myself that I will try to explain everything to him and I will never hurt him again. He needed to know why I did what I did and there is no way I am going to just pass the blame onto someone else today; that is not the person I am. I will not hide away from my mistakes, even though everything I ever do seems to be just one big mistake that affects everyone around me.

I sat bolt upright in bed, my heart pounding within my chest. I had had the dream yet again, and it really wasn't okay. Why must my brain bring back everything I want, only to throw it all away again? I had dreamed of Vic once again, and it only reminded me of how I had messed it all up before. I could feel the hot tears pricking at my eyes, trying to force their way down my cheeks, but I knew I couldn't let them fall. Not with people around me. Vic had helped me today, but I wasn't going to simply allow him to see me weak yet again. Within a second he was by my side, but I backed away, afraid he was going to hurt me. I whimpered as he brought his hand to my cheek, softly caressing it, but when I realised that he wasn't Balz, and he wasn't going to hurt me I moved closer to him.

He opened his mouth to ask what's wrong but I simply shook my head and lurched forward, flinging my arms around his neck and pulling him in close to me. I didn't want to talk about it. I don't even know how to articulate what it was I was feeling right now. As I pulled back my eyes flicked from his beautiful, caring ones, and down to his lips. The way he left them parted was just so attractive and made them look so kissable. There was nothing I wanted to do more in my mind right now than kiss them, to feel them against mine, but there was no way I could do that. I've only been speaking to him for less than a day now, but it feels just like old times where he is helping me pick myself out of the gutter and dusting me down. Even after everything that I have done to him he hasn't given up on me.

“Vic, you know that I am really sexy and all that?” I asked, an innocent smile held upon my lips.
“Where's this going..?” he asks, his eyebrows raised,
“Well, I don't really want to waste away.... so would it be possible to steal me food from the fridge?” I bit my bottom lip, looking as adorable as I possibly could, as if it would influence him.
“Shit, none of us have eaten anything yet!” He said standing up,
“Mike might have, after all he does live here and you're not exactly his dad...” I looked up, locking my eyes with his, “I know it can feel like that at times because you try so hard to look after him, but you're not his dad, Vic, you're his older brother and it isn't fair on you having to be all mature and paternal when you should just be living like a child and having fun yourself.” I knew he wanted to reply to it, but he shook his head and walked out the room sighing as though I would never understand. And he is right. How could I ever understand when I have never been put in that situation? But who was he to look as me as though I have it easy and could never possibly understand how bad life can be when I know for a fact he has never had to sleep on the streets before like me?

He made me a sandwich and we were sitting around the kitchen table that looked immaculate but it was too clean to be really used. I was sure it was just for show. I didn't know how to bring such a sensitive subject up, but I knew I had to. The longer I wait to mention it, the more it is going to drive a wedge between the two of us. We could try to ignore it all we wanted, but I don't think there would really be a way for us to simply ignore it for the rest of our lives. It was something that had happened. Something bad. And we really needed to talk about it.

“So, Vic...” I said through a mouthful of food, which, might I add, was the best chicken and mayo sandwich I had in a very long time. He looks up to me, not bothering to reply (God, he is seriously fucking lazy!) “I know you don't want to talk about this, but I feel like we need to. I need to get it off my chest, if I am honest with you.” His eyes are knowing, and I can see his happy demeanor fall off the face of the Earth. “It's about what... happened between the two of us.”
“Before you even say anything, I just want you to know that I don't believe what they say about you. Everyone says you're a death machine, and you're not.”

I couldn't meet his eyes though; “Thank you, seriously. You know, I never meant to do that, and I don't know what happened, it was like I wasn't myself anymore and someone took over who I was. It felt... weird. I wasn't me, and I don't want you to think that I would ever do that to you. I know my words won't seem real to you, but I swear to God I will never do anything like that again. It wasn't me. I don't know what came over me then, but I hated myself for what I did to you. And no, I don't expect you to pity me because that would be completely out of line for me to think that you could possibly feel sorry for me – after all, it is you that was hurt a lot more than I was and I can't even begin to imagine how it made you feel. You.. you could have died, and I would have been a murderer. I would have gone to jail, and maybe that is exactly where I am meant to be, I mean, I have no fucking idea how I didn't go to jail, but I guess it was because they saw me as a messed up teenager and took pity on me, or maybe it was because they simply didn't care anymore. After my mum kicked me out of the house they had no clue where I was living, because, frankly, I wasn't living anywhere. Even when I was with Josh I wasn't living – merely surviving. But, anyway, I understand if you can never forgive me for what happened because it wasn't exactly something that is easy to put behind you but I didn't mean to do that. I care about how you feel.”
When I look up Vic is casually chuckling along to himself, “Kellin, chill. I understand. I saw it in your eyes when you did it, and I admit there was a period of time I was terrified of you, but I knew it wasn't of you. I was worried about you though.”

I couldn't actually stop the tears from falling this time, and as much as I willed them away I couldn't. I hated him seeing me at my weakest, but it was such a relief to get it out in the open and off my chest that I honestly felt as though I was able to breathe for the first time in a very long time. There was no way in hell I would have believed that he never blamed me for what happened, but the fact that he hadn't outright told me to go die in a hole for what I did brings tears to my eyes. No words needed to be exchanged, just the fact that he stood by me through all that I have put him through was worth a million words any day. As I let the tears fall down my already tear stained cheeks he clung to me as though I would fall and fade away as soon as he let me go. But how could I ever leave him? How could I ever leave the small, beautiful, gentle-but-rough guy I had fallen so madly in love with? And just like flicking on a switch I realised that I was well and truly in love with this short, Mexican boy, whose hair always falls so perfectly, even if he does worry about how 'emo' he might look. It's not just some puppy love that people like to call teens that think they are in love but really wouldn't know the difference between love a lust. This was true, deep love, where even the mere thought of him in pain could bring me to tears, and his presence could wash away all of the heart ache and traumas that cloud my vision. Whenever I am with Vic I finally feel free. I'm free now.

It was the sound of the fridge closing that drew us out of our hug.
“I hope I'm not disturbing anything important here,” Mike snapped, I was getting real tired of his shit.
“No. Of course not. Nothing's happening.” Vic says, almost too quick. Was that just me, or was he sounding guilty right now? Well, geez, boy, way to sound like you wanted something more to happen.
“Sure, because that looks like a friendly fucking hug,”
“Look, Mike, there is nothing going on between Kellin and I, and I understand if you're worried about me getting hurt but what the hell is your problem?” He tried to stay cool, but I could tell it was getting on his nerves. But fuck, Vic was hot when he was mad.
“Nothing. Nothing's my problem. I would just appreciate it if you didn't spend all your time trying to get in his fucking pants and worrying about his mood when I was the one who got beaten up today.”
“You got beaten up? Are you even fucking serious? Did you see what happened to me? My head was fucking cut open and bleeding! You have no fucking right to act as though nothing happened to me, and that you were seriously fucking hurt!” he blew up, clearing beyond even thinking. But then reality came crashing down around and I could see him drop to earth, “Fuck, Mike, I am so sorry. I shouldn't have just yelled at you. I didn't mean anything I just said. Please, he shouldn't have hit you, and I am so sorry. I just hate the fact that he hurt you again and I didn't stop it.” he looked deflated, but I knew that Mike would come around in the end. He had to.
“Vic, just save it. I don't even fucking care!” he said before storming out of the room.

I was sitting there in utter shock. I mean, I know it must be rather scary for Mike considering his dad did hit him this morning, but I think he needs to see it from Vic's point of view. What Mike got from his dad today was nothing in comparison to Vic, and from what I know it is normally like this. Whenever there is even a hint of animosity towards Mike, Vic will always step in to take whatever was meant to be aimed at his younger brother. Sure it must be hard to see, but it must be hard for Vic to go through that time after time, only to have Mike pissed off at him. What fucking right does he have? I wanted to rip his head off and jump down his throat for speaking to Vic like that after he did everything he could to help him, but that isn't me. Kellin Quinn isn't like that. He doesn't go about trying to hurt anyone who upsets him. Kellin Quinn sits calm and allows stuff to blow over.

So that's what I do. I sit down at the table, breathing in an out slowly as I continue eating my sandwich. I could see Vic shaking from the corner of my eye, so I placed my hand on his knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze. I don't know what got into me, being so affectionate with him. But he smiled and I could see him let out a sigh and visibly relax beside me, placing his hand on top of mine. I could tell that he was still unsure with what to feel towards his younger brother, and I wasn't going to make him feel anything. Emotions are something you should come to terms with on your own, so if he wants to be angry at his brother I will let him, but, equally, if he wants to feel upset for him I will allow him to feel that just the same. All I can do is be there to support him with whatever emotion wins out. And that emotion seems to be guilt.

“Oh God, Kellin, I should never have yelled at him like that. It really isn't easy for him, but the way he made it out as though he always gets beaten up just made me so angry because I always take the blows that were directed at him, and he just didn't seem thankful.” He sighed
“Vic, I am not going to put thoughts into your mind, but I want you to know that I think it must be hard for him but it wasn't exactly easy for you either. I mean, you got really hurt today and it wasn't exactly fair for him to say that to you when you protect him with every breath. Maybe it is because of me, though, and I would understand because he wants the best for you, which clearly isn't me. He thinks I will hurt you again and so seeing you and I spending so much time together today must be killing him inside. I can... I can leave if you want.” I really didn't want to go, but if I had to I would. If that would make Mike happier, and in return make Vic happier, I would. After all, I have to go some point soon because I can't risk being here when their parent's return home from work.
“No, please don't go. I can sort things out with Mike tonight. I need you to stay now though...”

I nod in understanding, and sit beside him as a silence falls around us. Mike has gone upstairs, turning his music on loudly just like he did every time something he didn't like happened. It was his own way of rebelling, and pushing away the bad parts of life. I can only imagine how loud the music must have been four months ago, when I fucked up this house even more than it already was.

The desperate feeling of wanting to drop a concrete block on my head and snap my neck was still there, but I tried to push it away. That's what happens when you do 'Dolly Mixture' though, because the high is amazing, so the low has to be even worse. Speaking about drugs, I wonder if Vic actually did keep them safe for me, like he promised, but I know he wouldn't have. If I was correct, they would have probably long gone down the toilet and there would be no way of retrieving them. I internally groan at the thought of spending a night on the streets without my drugs to keep me company, but if that is what Vic wants then maybe I should obey by his rules. Ha, Kellin Quinn obeying by rules? I wouldn't obey if it wasn't for the small fact of not actually being able to buy anymore drugs. Unless I wanted to sell the clothes off my back and walk around naked, still without enough money to buy just one more fix, there is nothing I could do about the situation. No matter how much I think about how I could plan out my death, I know, deep down, that this mood will pass. It always does. That's what happens when your low moods are drug induced, because you try to run away from the other stuff that goes on in your head; crippling anxiety tied with the feeling that I will never be good enough for anyone. Not to mention the internal battles I face every now and again when I feel as though I have been possessed by something or someone else.

I held my hand up to Vic, before I get too close to him, to say I had to do something, before walking upstairs. Due to my prior knowledge of this house, I knock on the door I know conceals Mike's room, which of course was not answered. At first I thought it was because he didn't hear me, but then I could hear his music lower, although no footsteps approach the door. The little hope that he might actually be civil and talk to me – or Vic, because he won't know who is it – dwindles and dies and glamorous death. I swallow, clearing my throat as I process my mind.
“Hey, Mike, I know you don't want to talk to me,” I say through the door, “or Vic for that matter, but I would just like you to know that I am sorry about what happened to you this morning. It happens a lot for you and you shouldn't have to see or put up with it, but you do. And that's why I think you are amazing. You don't want me talking to Vic, do you? If needs be I will stop so you won't have to worry about the safety of your older brother as I know that is something you will naturally do whenever I am about. I just wish you could realise that I never wanted to hurt him, and I swear on my very life that I will never do it again” Ha, yeah right, Kellin; you already want to kill yourself right now. “but I know you won't believe me, and why should you? Just, please, can we be civil and talk things through one day? I would really like that.”

My hand rested against the door for a while, hoping that he would open the door or at least talk back, but he just seemed to not care about a thing right now. I don't blame him though, I mean, it has been a shit day on a brand new level. Even though Mike didn't exactly get the worse of his father's anger, the pain of watching it must have been unbearable anyway; it wouldn't even surprise me if he feels guilty for it. Taking a breath and admitting to myself that Mike probably hates me, I turn from the door to see Vic standing part way up the stairs. I shake my head, as if to say there was no use talking to his younger brother, and walk towards him.
As I reach the top of the stairs the bedroom door swings open, “Erm, Kellin. You're right; I don't like you, but... just don't hurt him, will you?”
I met his eyes, holding his stare, “I wouldn't dare.” My lip fell between my teeth as I debated if I should say what I wanted to next, but even though Vic was standing right there, I couldn't stop it. Instead, I whispered, “I love him too much,”

I didn't wait around to see Mike's reaction. I didn't want to know because I was sure it would only be disgusted. He's cool with Vic being gay, and he is cool with the fact we used to date, but I know he doesn't think I am good for Vic – Hell, even I don't think I am good for him, but I know that he is sure as hell good for me. He is all I want, even if I hurt him, and I guess sometimes you just have to let tg go. Sometimes you just have to move on from the past and try for the future.

Turning on my heels, I ran straight into Vic's room, closing the door behind me, trying to keep my heart from pounding straight out of my chest. I didn't mean to say that I loved him What if I don't? But I know that is bullshit because he means everything to me. Without him I had nothing. As I pace the room, the door is opened, and the boy enters, hesitant. My eyes fall upon him, and I wonder how anyone can be so perfect. I could lose myself in his eyes, I find myself dreaming of him; he has such a pretty, pretty, pretty, face. He is so beautiful, and yet he will never see what I see. His eyes were wide; I wonder if he heard what I whispered. Probably. I... I can't handle this. He isn't supposed to know that, not yet. I can't let him know I love him because he will freak out, and will run away. I need him. I don't care about anyone else. I need Vic.

His eyes scan my body, biting on his lip. Damn, did that boy realise the power he held over me? He really needs to stop biting his lip else I think I might just melt into a puddle of emotions right here, right now. As he steps closer to me, my breath hitches, stopping short in my throat. He's so close, just a couple of inches away. My eyes flicker down from his eyes to his lips. Damn, they look so kissable. I just want them pressed up against mine, with his hands tangled in my hair as I press him against me. I just want it to be like old times, where I didn't have to dodge all these bullshit situations that we have to now. A few months ago it was so much easier; his parents didn't hate me anywhere as near as much as they do now; I wasn't homeless, and Vic wasn't being beaten up as much. Nor was Mike. But that didn't matter right now. All that mattered was that this was real. Vic was standing so close to me, his eyes flicking from mine to my lips, and I could feel myself tilting towards him. This was real. His eyes were closing, as he came up on his tip-toes, even though I wasn't actually that much taller than him. I link my hands with his, granting him some stability, as I lean down, our lips so close that I can feel his breath soft against my face.

And then our lips were against one another's. It didn't last long; just a simple, loving kiss. But it was enough the cause fireworks in my chest, my stomach doing flips and my skin tingling from the touch. I pulled back, my eyes fluttering open to the beautiful brown ones of Vic. A smile beings to spread across his face, as though he is just realising what happened, and I can't help but smile too. That kiss was so perfect, so addictive. I just want another.

But before either of us can even find a word to say, a car door slamming outside starts us back into reality. Vic's Parent's must be home, and I know that my presence will only make matters worse, so I clamber towards the window, waiting for them to enter the house before I can safely make my exit.
“Kellin, where are you going?” His eyes were wide in shock,
“I want to stay, believe me I do, but I don't think it would be wise with your parents.” I whisper, afraid they might hear me even though they can't, “And for the record, I meant what just happened,” I wink, climbing through the window, and perching in the tree.
“I... stay safe, Kels,” is all he can manage before I jump effortlessly down from the tree. Every molecule of my being wanted to stay with him, never leaving his side, but I knew when things would only cause more shit. He saved me twice in the passed 24 hours so I think I could repay it now by not causing yet another argument. Of course there will still be one – and that kills me to think about – but if I am with him it would only make it worse. There fore, me staying away for tonight will be safer.

I don't care where I sleep tonight, with that kiss on my mind, nothing can ever hurt me. With the feeling of Vic's lips on mine, I am invincible and nothing will ruin this high. This high is much better than any drugs I have ever used, and there will be no mind crushing lows to follow. This is a high I could happily become addicted to.
♠ ♠ ♠
Okay, new chapter should be up soon