You Still Have All of My Heart

It's Wednesday by the time I next see Kellin. Maybe he's realised that hiding away from school will never get him anywhere in life, and that he really needs to start attending more often so that he can leave this hell hole, but either way it's clear he doesn't want to be here. Part of me wonders whether he actually knows he is here or not. I mean, by the way his eyes are wide and he seems so lost it almost looks as though he has no idea where on Earth he is. Or why he is here.

The past few days have been eating me alive, leaving me to think about what it is I could have done to prevent that. If I just hadn't of taken my top off then he wouldn't have been able to see the scar that runs along my chest. The same scar that he gave me. The one that kills me from the inside every day, allowing me to think that I am even uglier than I was before – not that I thought it was even possible. I guess I have been proven wrong now. But, then again, if we kept up this way there was no doubting he would see that scar eventually, and so I would only be delaying our misery.

My heart aches as though I have just lost my boyfriend, whom I will love with all of my heart until the end of time, but we weren't even dating... were we? No one asked one another out, so I guess we weren't. I'm not sure which thought I prefer; I haven't lost my boyfriend because he wasn't even it to start with, but then it means that I am just anoter whore and Kellin wouldn't have even cared about what was going on between the two of us. Maybe I was just another casual fuck to him, even though we didn't fuck, but I guess you get my point. To him I meant nothing, so I was probably being way too affectionate, which would have scared him away. Well fucking done, Vic, did you really think he could ever love you? I fight the urge to slam my head into the wall to shut the voices up because I know it will never work. The voice is right, and there is no point in denying it anymore. There is no way I can be that stupid to convince myself otherwise.

“Vic, why are you staring at that new kid?” an elbow in my side startles me back to reality. It was Tony, one of Mike's new friends that he has made in this school and I haven't really met before. Sure I have seen him a couple times, but I try not to associate myself with anyone around me, so it was weird to see him talking to me.
“Err, was I staring?” I ask, my eyes wide, darting towards Tony who was just nodding his head, his ear stretchers looking fucking awesome; he would be amazing to watch headbang, I am pretty sure of it. “Oh, I didn't even realise; I just kind of zoned out...” I stammered, feeling my cheeks growing hot which I wished away. He nodded, looking vaguely skeptical but didn't push it. Shit, did Mike tell him about Kellin and I? The fucking bitch!
“You should go over and speak to him; he looks kind of lost and it would be good that at least a nice stranger speaks to him rather than getting a dick.” phew. He ushered, wanting me to go over to Kellin but I simply shook my head.
“He's fine, don't worry. It's not his first day,” I say. Tony raises his eyebrow and I bite my lip. I've dropped myself in this one. “He's in some of my classes,”

He looks so pale though, and he really hasn't been sleeping. But the way he has lost even more weight alerts me to what has been happening. Whatever 'fat' he had on his body before is missing now, and he looks like a walking skeleton, for want of a better word. I can feel the hot tears prick at my eyes for allowing him get into this state, but I shut them, willing them to flow back. There is no way I can cry in school; it'll only make me a bigger target. Trying to push the thoughts of self-loathing from my head, I repeatedly say to myself that I did not cause this. Kellin is in charge of his own actions and I didn't want, nor know, he was doing this again. It is not my fault. He would have been safe if he had stayed with me, but he ran away and left without telling anyone where he was going, so there was nothing I could do about that. But trying to convinced yourself you did everything you could only makes things worse in your head.

As I turn to walk away he looks up, his eyes locking with mine for a second. I open my mouth to say something, but he drops his gaze, a pale blush colouring his cheeks. Every morsel in my body wants to just walk over to him, hold his face and kiss those red cheeks of him, to feel his skin against mine and know that he is truly alive. But I know I can't do that; he probably hates me or something. So, I just carry on, turning my to him and making my way to class. If he doesn't want to speak to me then I am not going to force him. There's no point on even trying, but I know that I need to.

I would be lying if I told you that I spent my first few lessons thinking about Kellin, because I wasn't just thinking about him, really. Even though my eyes were open, they were staring blankly at the air around me, because in my head everything I was thinking about was so real I could actually see it and feel it. It was as though left my body as was with Kellin, in my room going back to how we used to be after we talked through all the crap of last week. He was sitting in my lap, my arms around his waist as his lay wrapped around my neck. Neither one of us talking, we simply sit in the silence, enjoying one another's company. It's been so long since we last did this, just sit contently with one another. The sound of their breathing filling every desire that could possibly go through our heads. No drama, no lust, no tears, just love. Plain and simple love.

“Victor, Feuntes, are you even listening to me?” I was startled out of my little world to see an angry My Hobbler staring down at me. Fuck, never piss off your Chemistry teacher; it will not go down well. I mean, sure he is a nice enough guy, but I zone out way too much in his lessons. Although I get good grades despite the time I spend in my head, he still doesn't appreciate what I do.
“I am now.” I say. It's better to not lie to him. A few chuckles from the rest of the class erupted though.
“Well stay listening, okay?” I nodded politely before he continued his speech, “Right, so as I was saying, this part is going to be vital for your exams at the end of this year. I need you all to pay attention to the structure of the atom until you know it like that back of your hand. Just like I need you to be able to look at the periodic table, see something like Lithium Oxide and know exactly how it is bonded, what it would look like, and the charges of the ions it has created...” looking around I saw that many people were looking at him, but not really giving him their attention. Why the hell did he pick on me of all people? But then I realised it was because I was well and truly zoned out and having a dream about your ex-boyfriend in the middle of class isn't really appropriate – Not that he knew what I was thinking about though.

When lunch time came I made my way to the cafeteria, making sure I grabbed something to eat because it hasn't slipped past my mind that with all the worrying I haven't been eating much and my once tight skinny jeans are becoming loose. I can't help Kellin if I am becoming weak myself. The whole way there I kept my eyes open for him, but it was to no prevail. No one really goes out of their way to pick on me in this school, but I still feel as though I am one of those people who just don't really fit in with anyone so no one really talks to me. It's easier that way. If they don't talk to me I won't talk to them and no one can bully me. Picking up a small roast in a take-away box I walk off, thankful that my school aren't exactly the worst for food, although they aren't the best.

I walk around to the back of school where no one seems to be and enters the toilets. I don't like people seeing me eat and I needed to get out of the large numbers, so the quiet toilet is the perfect place for me right now. Of course, it is quite gross, but luckily these toilets don't get used often and so they are fairly clean. Entering a stall, I sit down on the toilet and open up my lunch. But just as I am about to take my first mouthful I hear snivelling from the stall next to me. I try to push it out of my head, tell myself that I don't know who it could possibly be. But I do know. How could I not recognise that voice? The way it rises the more emotional he gets. There is no doubt in my mind of who it could be, so I exit the stall.
“Kellin?” I call out before knocking on the door to where he was. To my surprise it wasn't even locked so I slowly pushed it open.
“V-Vic? I don't want to speak to you.” His voice was so weak, but his words still gripped my heart in an icy hold.
“I know. I am sorry, but I'm not leaving until you are okay.” I closed the stall door behind me as I lean against it, watching him. It may take a while, and I shouldn't really be doing this, but I need to know he is okay.

We sit (Well, he sits, I stand) in silence for a few minutes. And, although it may have only been a couple minutes it was the longest and most awkward moment of my life. Just waiting for him to say something so that I would be able to breathe freely again. The air is so full of tension I can practically feel it pressing down on my chest, pushing the air from my lungs. Maybe I should just run away and let him get on with his day, but I know how bad that would make me feel later. I shouldn't be trying to help him just so I didn't hate myself even more though, should I? But then again, I know it all stems down to the thoughts that I need to keep him safe.
“I'm fine now,” he stutters when he realises that I am not giving up on this. I raise my eyebrow, “okay, so I am not fine, but I will be okay.”
“Why were you crying?” I ask, sympathetically. Smiling at the thought of us making progress.
“It's just... ugh... you know Josh? Well, yeah, I pissed him off.”
“Hey, hey, sweetie, it is going to be okay,” I say, placing my hand on his cheek to wipe away the stray tears. “What happened?”
“I moved out. I went back, got my stuff and left. Then he found me again and I didn't fight this time. I tried to at first then I gave up. He keeps finding me, Vic, no matter where I am he always finds me.”

This time he didn't try to hold back the tears, instead I just held him to me, rocking him back and forth as he wept. I knew that Joshua would find him, but I didn't expect it would be so soon. I mean, I don't have a clue where Kellin has been and I once knew him so well. But that's the thing; I once knew him so well; not anymore. It takes a while of me just rubbing circles on him back and brushing his hair with my fingers to soothe him, but in the end it does. His breathing slows, although every so often does do this weird gasp thing that makes me thing he is about to cry again but he never does.
I pull back, admiring his face, even though he looks both physically and emotionally drained, “Eat,” I demand, holding out my food to him.
“But-”
“No buts, Kellin, you need to eat because you have lost a load of weight again and it isn't healthy. I know what you are doing but I an not going to get mad at you for it, I just wish I helped you so you wouldn't feel as though you need to do it again. I just want you to be okay, but you need to eat. Now.” I wasn't going to give him an option, and I think he knew it. Plus, after the past couple days I am sure he was more than happy to have some warm food – even if it was the shitty school food – so he took my lunch and ate hungrily.

“Vic?” he asks, biting his lip. I look up to him, my eyes were previously roaming him body to check for any marks Joshua might have left. Or at least that is how I rationalised it. Either way, there were some pretty dark bruises coming up on his porcelain white arms, standing out in stark contrast. “Open up,” his voice is like and angel as his eyes flicker from my lips and back up. His lips part slightly as he does this, before his teeth come back down, catching his lip. Does he even realise how hard it is for me to have some self-restraint around him when he is doing that? After flicking my eyes to his lips and back a couple of times I do what he says. I lean in closer to kiss him, my eyes closing, just as something is shoved into my mouth. Something warm and wet. My eyes shoot open, to see Kellin chuckling away to himself as gravy dribbles down my chin thanks to the forkful of carrots he just shoved into my pie-hole.

Shaking my head, I take one of the small carrots out of my mouth before chewing the rest of them. Then I turn my attention back to Kellin's, locking my eyes with his as I wink, bringing the carrot to my mouth where I softly lick the length of it. A blush was forming on his cheeks, but he didn't take his eyes off what I was doing, so I put the end of it in my mouth, giving him one last wink before biting into it. He winced as though I had actually just done that to him instead of a carrot, then the blush returned to his cheeks. God, he was fucking hot.
“Fucking tease,” he said, poking his tongue out at me, his eyes glinting.
“Like you can talk. I though you were going to kiss me,” I mutter, pleased to be getting under his skin. I stand up, moving away from him to leave to see if he would follow. I didn't want to leave him, but we can't just sit in the stall all afternoon.

But before I could even reach the toilet door he's grabbed my wrist and spun me around. I don't have time to react to this gesture before his lips are pressed against mine. It was innocent, yes, but it held so much meaning. Unlike the other day this one was channelling the apologies neither of us had really said, but we both knew each other felt the same way.
“Please staaaaayyyyy,” he whines,
“For how long?”
“For forever... with me.” his eyes were timid, but the smile n his face took my breath away. So I picked him up, and sat on the toilet (The lid was already down thanks to Kellin) and sat him down on my lap, his legs either side of me as he faced towards me.
“You're so light,” I whisper, realising that he really weighed nothing.
“I'm sorry...” he mumbled, his eyes dropping. I didn't want to see him hurt so I lifted up his chin and reconnected our lips once again. He needed to know that I didn't care he was back on the drugs. Well, I cared, but I didn't hate him for it. I could never hate that boy.

“Kellin, I have to go to class,” I whisper, my lips ghosting his.
“No, please don't go,” He kisses me. I know that I should attend class, but I also know that any logical thoughts and reason I have fly through the window when I near this boy. Even though I should really leave, I draw small circles on his hips with my thumbs as I kiss him back. I could feel him smiling into it, and a blush was heating my cheeks.

This wasn't a desperate make out session, oh hell no. This was soft, sweet and as affectionate as sitting on the toilet lid, kissing your kind of boyfriend can be. I don't know what Kellin and I are, but I don't really care right now. All that matters is that I am sitting so close to him, our lips moving softly together, stopping every so often to look another in the eyes and blush. Nothing matters except the feeling of our hearts beating in sync with one another. I couldn't give a shit about what has happened before, or what could have driven us apart, all I care about is this very moment right now.

Before I even realise it, the dismissal bell is ringing. We must have spent a lot longer in there than we had planned to, because two lessons have passed and I didn't even know. It was as though time had stopped still for us when the rest of the world was still rushing by.
“Kellin, now I really think we should go,” my voice was low, as though I was scared for anyone to hear, but I know they can't. No one ever enters this restroom.
The soft smile that had been gracing his face all afternoon fell within an instant. “I have nowhere to go...”
“Yes you do,” is all I had time to say before I reconnect our lips once again, slowly pushing him off me.

Picking up our bags, we exit the toilet with a smile on our faces as we make our way to the front of school to meet Mike. When we get there Mike is already waiting for us, a look of confusion dancing over his furrowed brows.
“Oh, right, Kellin is coming back with us for a bit, but we'll sneak him in, okay?” I mutter, not knowing how glad Mike would be to see him. I know he has kind of accepted the fact that I still love Kellin and that I will look out for myself this time, but the fact that I just spring this upon him might be a bit much...
“That's all fair and well, but why the fuck are you walking so weird?” He says.
“Oh, erm, dead legs?” I try to state but it comes out more like a question.
He raises an eyebrow, as if seeing right through me and knowing what Kellin and I have been doing for the past couple hours, but he just drops it. Thank God.

Although the air outside is bitter, at least it is dry. And that is when I realise that Kellin has been sleeping outside in the cold and wet with nothing much else. Of course I noticed the backpack he has been carrying around recently, giving me a hint that when he ventured into Josh' house he at least had the forethought to pick up some clothes and whatnot – the fact that he is in a different change of clothes from the last time I saw him killed any doubts my mind might have held on to anyway.

By the time we reach my house you can see he is already knackered, the physical exercise already taking its toll on his delicate body. He was way too under-weight for my liking, the drugs had been sapping whatever little reserved energy he had once held. Mum and dad were inside, so we walked around to the tree, where I half pushed, half carried Kellin to my window. The feel of his weight against me was somewhat comforting, even if I couldn't like Mike see how much Kellin's presence was lifting my usually dark mood.
“Dude, you know the fucking route, move!” I growl at Kellin, who just gives a mischievous grin.
“CARRY ME!” he screams. and I put my hand over his mouth, whispering harshly,
“Oh my God, shut the hell up! Mum and Dad are just in there and will not be happy to hear that you are here, so... I don't know... just be quiet, okay?” I chuckle as we walk over to my door, allowing Mike to climb through my window.
“Fuck dude, that tree is so easy to climb, I swear it used to be harder,” he says.
“That's because you're always fucking intoxicated when you climb it.” I counter, laughing at just how special my friends and family are. Well, my 'friend' and brother, as for the rest... well, let's just not even go there.

Locking my bedroom door to keep mum and dad from entering, we all sit down on my bed, a silence falling over us. Well, this is awkward; I didn't really think about how this would go down, did I? What if Mike decides he hates him again? What if my parents find out he is here? What if they think we are back together? Are we back together? Does he care about me? I want to be with him, but would he ever be able to love me again? Did he love me before? Damn, what is it with me and all these questions? Is it even legal to ask so many questions? Is this, like, question-mark abuse? I shake the questions vigorously from my head, as though they will just simply spill out of me ears and on to the floor around me.

“Vic, holy fuck, what just happened?” Kellin chuckles, his voice like an angel to my demonic possessed ears. Yep, I went there; my parents are definitely daemons that were sent from hell to torture even more people because they were so fucking damn good at it.
“Oh, nothing, I was just lost in my thoughts...” My eyes trail down his body, ending up on my hands situated in my lap as I bite my lip.

I should probably ask him if there was a possible way he could love me, or if he would want to be with me again, but that would be pushing things. After seeing my scar he completely ran away from everything and got himself in more danger than I could have even predicted. I don't want to be the reason for him falling further into drugs again. Maybe that is selfish though, and I should think about someone other than me once. I mean, denying myself happiness just because I don't want to be the reason for his drugs is okay, right? But would that mean I would be okay if someone else was the reason he was back under the influences of drugs? That would be fucked up and so selfish. There is no way I could ever see him turn to them again, no matter what the cause was. I need to help him get off them now, and make sure he never falls back under their icy grip. I need to come clean with him, tell him just how i felt about him and how I wanted to help him. It would probably scare him, but I guess that would be okay, even if he doesn't feel the same as me, if he could just let me help him... let me in...

But I didn't need to panic about how he would take my news, because his hand slipped into mine and my eyes flutter up to his green, tear filled ones. “C-can you help me?” I nod in understanding, trying to calm down the happiness and relief flooding through me at the thought of him accepting my help. The blush that flooded his face was all I ever needed in my life, and now I remember just why I fell in love with this delicate, raven haired boy.