Your Inaccessible Light

Ten minutes later, Ronnie returns to the van with a bag. He shoves it in the back before jumping into the driving seat. I take $100 out of my purse and hold it out to him.

“What’s this?” he asks.

“Petrol money,” I tell him.

“Don’t be stupid,” he mutters, batting my hand away.

“Ronnie I’m not letting you pay for all of this.”

“It’s fine. If you’re that bothered, you pay for the B and B,” he suggests, “Deal?”

I think for a second, figuring they will probably come to roughly the same price. “Deal.”

“Good. What are we listening to?” he asks, grabbing a handful of CDs from the back seat. I browse through them, glad to see he has the similar music taste to me. I take the latest Blink 182 album out of its case and put it in the CD player.

“Good choice,” he grins, although after four hours of driving with me singing every lyric at the top of my lungs, I think he may have changed his mind.

“Whatever happened to you being too shy to sing?” he asks as we arrive in downtown Los Angeles.

“I was nervous that day, I don’t know,” I shrug, “But you see what I mean now when I say I’m crap?”

“Errr…” he smirks, “I think maybe you should leave the singing to the professional.”

“Oh please Mr. Arrogant, you haven’t even got a recording contract.”

“Yet,” he corrects me.

“Shut up,” I mutter, shaking my head as I elbow him in the ribs.

“Where do you wanna go?” he asks.

“To the beach,” I decide and he rolls his eyes but does as he’s told. It’s not long before we park along the seafront in Santa Monica. I jump out of the truck and my eyes light up when I see the pier. We’re both feeling hungry so we grab something to eat and then play in the arcades for an hour or so. Then we go on all the rides and I persuade him to go for a walk along the beach. According to him, there isn’t anything worse. After that, we grab a bite to eat and then I beg him to watch the sunset from the pier. He rolls his eyes and says that he takes back what he said earlier, deciding that watching the sunset is officially worse than going for walks along the beach.

“Have you been here a lot then?” I ask as we sit on the edge of the pier, our feet dangling over the edge.

“I used to come here a lot when I was a little kid,” he explains, “My mum used to take me and my brother.”

“Doesn’t she do that anymore?” I press. I don’t want to push him, but I can’t help but get curious.

“No,” he says simply, “She left.”

“When did she leave?” I ask, reaching for his hand. I don’t want to upset him, but I don’t want to say ‘I’m sorry’ either. I know all too well that a shitty response like that doesn’t change anything.

“When I was really young, I don’t really remember her,” he smiles, and I would have bought it if I didn’t know any better. I find it hard enough having parents who are barely there, let alone a parent who’s not there at all. Like my brother did, Ronnie takes drugs to fill the gap that’s missing. Of course, I don’t approve of it, but I understand it.

“That must be tough.”

“It’s not so bad.”

“And you call me a liar,” I scoff. He smirks and then shrugs, but he doesn’t say anything else. I don’t press him on the matter because I don’t want to upset him. There are a lot of things I don’t like to talk about so I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk about this.

“Look how pretty the sunset is,” I grin, pointing across the water. He scrunches up his face and shakes his head, reaching out his arm and shoving me away from him.

“You’re probably one of the weirdest girls I’ve ever met. How can you possibly enjoy this?”

“Ronnie, if you actually got to know girls instead of just sleeping with them, I think you’d find most girls enjoy this.”

“Not as much as they enjoy sleeping with me,” he winks.

“Here comes Mr. Arrogant again,” I sigh, “Weren’t we gonna hang out with the guys this weekend?”

“Yeah,” he shrugs, “I changed my mind. I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?” I ask, noticing how awkward he clearly feels.

“I just wanted to get to know you better.” A smile creeps across my face. I look down to see our hands are still intertwined and I feel a full sense of security. I don’t know why, but there is no place I would rather be right now. I feel relaxed and free and happy for the first time in months.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” I say quietly.

“Anytime sweetie.”

Not long after, we head back to the van and drive around until we find the cheapest B&B in the area. Neither of us is particularly affluent so we’re not bothered about staying somewhere luxurious. It’s about ten o clock when we finally find somewhere. I begin to feel exhausted as we drag our bags up the stairs. We share a room because I don’t see the problem with sharing a bed. It saves money after all and I trust Ronnie not to try anything. Straight away, I go into the bathroom to change into some pyjama shorts and a t-shirt, take off my make-up and brush my teeth. Then I tie my windswept hair up into a scruffy bun. When I come back, Ronnie has changed into some black sweat pants and a Blink 182 top. His chocolate eyes are clean from make-up. I can’t deny he looks insanely attractive. He looks so innocent and adorable, and it becomes increasingly difficult for me to resist the urge to kiss him. I shake the thought out of my head; I really need to get over whatever stupid crush I have on him. He is not good for me, not that he would want me anyway.

“Did you have a good day?”

“The best,” I grin as I clamber into bed, “Did you?”

“It was bearable I guess,” he teases and I throw a pillow across the room at him. He laughs and then sits down on the edge of the bed, quickly doing something on his phone. It’s quite cold in the room. I shiver and pull the duvet tighter around my shoulders.

“Are you cold?” Ronnie asks.

“A little bit,” I admit. Ronnie gets up off the bed and rummages through his bag, tossing me a black hoodie of his.

“Thanks,” I smile, sitting up and pulling it on. My nose is filled with the smell of cologne mixed with the smell of detergent and the faint smell of weed. It smells of Ronnie. Ronnie sits back down and pulls the duvet across him, still doing something on his phone. He turns off the light so I can get to sleep but I hesitate; I don’t like people watching me sleep. Thankfully it’s not long before Ronnie settles down to sleep aswell. He is so close to me I can feel the heat radiating off his body. I want nothing more than to be closer to him, to fall asleep in his arms, but I know that’s not an option. I can’t imagine Ronnie’s the affectionate cuddly type of person. Even if he was, it wouldn’t be a good idea anyway. Anything between the pair of us could only end badly.