Your Inaccessible Light

My father is slumped across the couch when I walk downstairs, his eyes glued firmly to the television. We do not so much as openly acknowledge each other as I grab a quick bite to eat. My phone buzzes and I read the text from Harlee, telling me that she and Amber are leaving now so will be at the train station in fifteen minutes. I gulp down a glass of water before shoving it in the dishwasher, just as my mother walks in from work. She looks from me to my father, offering us both a small smile before sitting down on the armchair to take off her shoes.

“Hey,” I say quickly.

“Hi darling. How are you?”

“Fine thanks.” It’s rare that the three of us are actually in the same room together, so I take this opportunity to ask what I’ve wanted to ask for a while now. “Austin’s birthday is coming up,” I say hopefully. My mother’s blank expression momentarily turns to one of anguish, before returning to its usual state. My father doesn’t even bat an eyelid.

“Yes,” my mother says simply. I stare expectantly at the two of them but my mother just looks down at the ground.

“Dad, did you hear what I said?”

He nods his head. “What is your point?” I feel frustration bubbling inside of me. Why are they acting as though nothing has happened?

“My point is that he was your son,” I hiss, “Is it too much to ask that we celebrate his birthday?”

“What’s there to celebrate? He’s dead,” my father mumbles.

“So you keep telling me!” I yell, feeling tears form in my eyes, “But he had a life aswell you know, is that not worth celebrating?!” Both of my parents remain silent, their expressions stony and dull.

“Here we go again,” I rant, unable to contain my anger, “Let’s pretend like Austin never existed instead of just accepting the fact we fucked up!” The tears are flowing freely now and I am grateful that I put on waterproof mascara. “Maybe if people actually made half the effort with him that he made with them, he would still be here right now!” My mother leaps up from her seat at the same time as my father. She runs upstairs, as usual, running away from the problem instead of facing it. My father storms over to where I am standing grabs my arm roughly.

“That’s enough!” he yells, “You need to learn to have some consideration young lady!” I shove my father away from me, anger coursing through my veins.

“Austin was the most considerate person I have ever met and look where the fuck that got him!” I screech, more tears escaping my eyes. In a sick way I wish that my father would argue back. I wish that he would at least say something about Austin, be it good or bad, just something to show he actually acknowledges that Austin existed. I know better than to expect that of him though.

“Watch your mouth,” my father warns before storming out the front door. The sound of the door slamming shut reverberates around the house. It disconcerts me, though not half so much as the unrelenting silence that follows.

“I think I may have just fallen in love,” Harlee gushes as Escape The Fate leave the stage.

“Oh please, you’ve been in love with Ronnie for longer than you’ve been in love with Keegan,” Amber teases.

“Well that’s true,” she smirks as I roll my eyes and get up from the table.

“Ronnie said to meet them backstage,” I explain and Harlee’s face lights up as they begin to follow me. It goes without saying that both Amber and Harlee enjoyed the show. To be honest though, Escape The Fate could be the worst band on the planet and I think Harlee would love them regardless.

“How did last night go?” Amber asks me quietly.

“He was a bit of a dick,” I shrug, “But I know it was just the drugs or the alcohol talking. He apologised this morning.”

“Good. I hope he’s not like that tonight.”

“I don’t think he will be to be honest. He knows I don’t like him like that and given what happened last night, with any luck he’ll give it a miss tonight.”

“Hopefully.” We walk through the maze of crowded hallways in the casino as I try to retrace my footsteps of last fortnight in order to find the same room. Thankfully, it isn’t long before a hyper and energetic Ronnie emerges from the crowd, engulfing me in a warm embrace that causes my stomach to fill with butterflies.

“Are you okay sweetie?” he asks.

“Yeah I’m fine,” I say, because anything more than fine would be a lie. My stomach churns every time I even think of Austin and the way our parents are pretending like he never existed. I get that everyone has their own way of grieving, but this isn’t healthy. Call me biased but Austin was the most incredible person I’ve ever come across. He had a natural light that shone from within him but that light was clouded by the drugs and the alcohol and the demons from his past. I could still see it though; I saw it each and every day and it killed me that it was there but somehow inaccessible. I’m still trying to work out how I could have accessed it. When I work that out, I will know how I could have stopped it. I will know how to help Ronnie too.
My thoughts are interrupted by laughs and cheers as we enter the same room as before. The guys are all scattered around the room, snacking on packets of food and drinking a few beers. Max leaps up and pulls me into a tight hug before greeting both Harlee and Amber aswell. Omar moves from the armchair so Harlee can sit down. Amber then sits next to him on the floor. Ronnie pulls me down onto the couch so I am sat with my legs across his lap. He snakes his arms around my waist, sending shivers down my spine.