Your Inaccessible Light

Over the next few days, I become increasingly worried about how quickly Austin’s birthday is approaching. My parents and I have not spoken of Austin since the day of the Escape The Fate show. On several occasions, I am tempted to bring it up, but I know it’s no use because nothing I say will convince them that his birthday is anything worth celebrating. Instead, I try to accept the fact that it will be treated just like any other day, as though he never existed. By Thursday 2nd October, the day before Austin’s birthday, I am so on edge and jittery I am not sure I will be able to cope. As I walk towards the west building with our usual group, I notice Ronnie across the courts with his friends as usual, except there is something odd about it today. I can’t describe how exactly it is different. All I know is that I have a bad feeling about this.

I have business studies second lesson, much to my dismay. My mind is drifting constantly but I force myself to focus because it would be helpful if I actually passed this class. Suddenly, my attention is caught by movement out in the corridor. I glance out the small window on the door to see that Ronnie is outside, his eyes burning with a certain amount of urgency that can only mean something is wrong. Quickly, I get out of my seat and ask the teacher if I can go to the bathroom.

“Ronnie, what are you doing?” I snap as soon as I get outside the classroom.

He shrugs, slumping his shoulders as he stumbles back against the wall. It doesn’t take me anything more than a split second to work out that Ronnie is drunk, and most likely high aswell.

“Have you been drinking?” I gasp, even though I already know the answer.

“What’s it to you?” he fires and I suddenly feel inferior under his condescending glare, therefore I back up a few steps.

“Why did you…come here…if you’re not even going to speak to me?” I stammer. He shrugs again, chuckling to himself and looking down at the ground.

“Ronnie, you need to go home,” I tell him sternly, doing everything I can to stop myself from looking as terrified as I feel.

“Why?”

“You’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” he cries, throwing his arms up in defeat before letting out another laugh, “I’m fine.”
I want to ask him why he’s being such a jerk, or what he’s even taken; he looks far too out of it for it to be just alcohol. I know better than to waste my breath though. He’s intoxicated to the point he can barely string a sentence together.

“Ronnie, just trust me on this one, you need to go home or you’ll get yourself into trouble.”

“Who gives a fuck?” he retorts, unmistakable bitterness in his voice. I shudder but thankfully he doesn’t notice. Cautiously, I glance over my shoulder to ensure that no one is around, partly because I don’t want Ronnie getting into shit but also because I don’t want people to see me in this state. I feel weak. I hate it. I want to grab his arms and shake him until he comes to his senses or at least yell until he finally hears, but as usual, my brain has shut down and I don’t know what I should do next. I stand still for a moment, an awkward silence coming over the pair of us. Suddenly I am startled by the sound of the classroom door opening. Mr. Reynolds pokes his head around the door and his disapproving gaze instantly falls on us.

“What’s going on here?” he asks. My brain is still incapable of processing anything, therefore I am grateful that Ronnie answers.

“Nothing,” he declares, not looking up from the ground – probably a good thing since his bloodshot eyes are an instant giveaway.

“Mr. Radke isn’t causing you any trouble now is he?” Mr. Reynolds questions, his stare boring into my skull so much so I begin to feel even more uncomfortable.

“No sir,” I answer quickly.

“Good, come back into class please. Ronnie you need to get to class too,” he orders. I force my legs to move and walk slowly back towards the classroom.

“Do what I said Ronnie. I mean it,” I plead, shooting him an exasperated look. He rolls his eyes and the last thing I see before Mr. Reynolds shuts the door is Ronnie sauntering off in the opposite direction of the exit. I know this will not end well.

For the next two hours I am constantly on edge. When the lunch bell finally rings I practically leap up from my seat, rushing into the cafeteria and over to the table where Ronnie and the guys sit. Much to my relief, Coral and the clones aren’t there, however I do notice that Ronnie is not there either.

“Hey you, what’s up?” Max asks as I slide in between Omar and Robert.

“Do you know where Ronnie is?”

“Didn’t you hear?”

“Hear what?” I panic, knowing from their sullen expressions that this cannot be good news.

“He was off his face in school. He got caught.” I sigh, dropping my head in my hands as Robert
wraps his arm around my shoulders.

“Are you alright?” he asks.

“Yeah…I’m just…worried about him I guess.”

“You and me both kid,” Max mutters, “I’m all for having a bit of fun but he’s taking it too far at the moment.”

“I wish he’d stop being such an asshole,” Robert frowns.

“He’s not an asshole,” Max argues, speaking the exact words I am thinking. I am immensely relieved that I am not the only person who sees past Ronnie’s drug and alcohol problem. Underneath all of his problems, Ronnie is a good person.

“What happened exactly?”

“Well we were just having a cigarette before school as usual but he always has to take it a step further doesn’t he so he pulls out a fucking spliff. I was like ‘whoa man, that’s not a good idea,’ but then he goes fucking mental and storms off, bunking first lesson. Second lesson he turns up late, completely pissed, tells me to go to the bathroom with him to do a line. I said no and he caused a scene. The teacher obviously noticed he was shitfaced and sent him straight to the principal’s office. I swear he’ll be lucky if he’s not thrown out for this.”

“I have to go,” I say quickly, jumping out of my seat and running from the cafeteria. I am not sure if I’m able to hold myself together any longer, and I don’t want anybody seeing should I fall apart.