Your Inaccessible Light

“So you still need to answer my question from the other night,” Ronnie states.

I put down the mug of coffee I am drinking and cast my mind back.

“What question might that be?”

“How was your brother like me?” he reminds me.

I sigh, letting out a small laugh. I knew that this was coming sooner or later, but I don’t react the way I thought I would. I was scared I would start crying or something, but instead I feel nothing except relief. I feel freer than I have in months because for once, I can speak openly about Austin without being told to shut up. The feeling is unnatural, but it’s welcome.

“He was crazy,” I say simply.

“Crazy is the best way to be,” Ronnie acknowledges, an arrogant smirk on his face.

“And vain,” I add, which abruptly brings Ronnie to silence, “And irritating as hell. He was funny though, and really kind once you got past all the bad things.”

“Being vain isn’t such a bad thing,” Ronnie argues, running a hand through his hair, a simple motion that gives me butterflies, although I’m not sure why.

“I think that vanity was just a front with him, to hide how insecure he really was. It’s not so much that though anyway,” I explain, “He had a drug problem and an alcohol problem. He always had a smirk on his face and seemed like this aggressive arrogant prick to the rest of the world, but to me he was nothing but kind, except for when he was drunk of course.”

For a second, I see a glimpse of guilt on Ronnie’s face and suddenly I wonder whether I should have said that. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad. I’m not mad at him. I never am.

“While he was still at school, he was this perfect child. He was always kind to everyone, to the point he was a pushover, and always did as he was told, but he never got the praise he deserved. Sure, the teachers loved him, but his parents didn’t give a shit. His father abused him. He abused my mother aswell. When Austin was five, his father left and our mum remarried. That’s when she had me. Things were slightly better, although my parents still never paid Austin any attention and by then, a certain amount of damage was already done. Everyone at school picked on him because he was so different to everybody else. He struggled to deal all the feelings from his childhood. He started to grow depressed and then suddenly he changed.”

Ronnie reaches across the table, lacing his fingers with mine and drawing circles on my hand with his thumb. The gesture is comforting and it sends a shiver down my spine. A part of me thinks it’s a good idea to stop talking about Austin, but now I’ve started, I can’t seem to stop. I’ve never been able to talk about him like this before. I feel like I need to get it all out just in case I don’t get another chance.

“Towards the end of high school, he got involved with the wrong crowd. He got hooked on drugs and became addicted so quickly it scares me. When it came to finals, he was either high or having withdrawal symptoms throughout every exam. Needless to say, he failed pretty much all of them. That sucked because like, all his hard work amounted to nothing. That really sucked. He was so disappointed in himself and all his teachers were so disappointed in him too. He turned into a completely different person; he became cold and bitter. The kind, funny, caring Austin became the opposite. Suddenly he was aggressive and nasty and he was just so…so angry at the world, not that I can blame him. Anyway, things spiralled even more out of control, and when he was twenty one, he accidentally overdosed and died.”

“Oh fuck. That’s really rough. I don’t even know what to say. I know it won’t make you feel any better but just know that underneath all the drugs, he was still the same Austin you remember,” he tells me, squeezing my hand reassuringly.

“I know. On the rare occasion I did catch him sober, he was the sweetest person in the world. We used to stay up all night talking about everything. I felt kind of special I guess because I was the only person he ever opened up to. He would literally do anything for me. He was just so sad and lonely and depressed and the whole cocky dickhead thing was nothing more than a front or the drugs talking.”

“I can imagine. He’s in a better place now though, I mean, he doesn’t have to put up with you being a pain in the ass.”

I laugh, kicking him again, even though there is probably an element of truth to his words. I love how he can me laugh even in a situation as dire as this one.

“No, he would be proud of you though.”

“Do you think so?”

“Of course, look at you; you’re smart, I guess you’re kinda funny…looking,” he jokes and I roll my eyes, “I’m joking, you’re beautiful. You don’t take shit from anybody and do you know how fucking difficult that is? So many people find it hard to do that. You’re so strong, my god, you’re strong.”

“Thank you Ronnie,” I smile, feeling tears form in my eyes. Ronnie thinks I’m strong. That means so much more than he would ever understand. I don’t really get het up on what people think of me; Austin told me not to do that. He always did everything he could to make sure I wouldn’t make the
same mistakes he did. The one thing I do want people to think of me though, is that I’m strong.

“Don’t go all soppy on me now you dork,” he frowns, releasing my hand from his and smirking.

“I’m not,” I argue, a genuine laugh escaping my lips as I realise how lucky I am to have met possibly the most incredible person currently on the planet.

After spending another hour in the restaurant, we do some shopping and go to the arcades and then Ronnie drives me home. It’s early evening and I feel myself begin to panic because my parents aren’t home and the only thing worse than facing my parents on Austin’s birthday is facing my thoughts all alone. Somehow Ronnie’s been unable to take the smile off of my face all day, but I’m not sure it will be the same once he’s gone.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, noticing me hesitate to get out the van.

“Nothing,” I say quickly, grabbing my bag off the back seat.

“Would you stop lying to me?”

“I’m fine, honestly. Thank you for today Ronnie, I don’t think I would have…”

“Do you want to stay at mine?” he asks suddenly, cutting me off mid-sentence. I stare at him blankly for a few seconds, once again wondering how peculiar it is that he appears to have the answer to all of my problems.

“Would that be alright?”

“Sure, go and pack a bag, I’ll wait here,” he orders.

“Thank you so much Ronnie. I really don’t fancy seeing my parents today. You’re a lifesaver. You’re actually the best.”

“Yeah, I know,” he smirks, “Now hurry up.” I laugh, jumping out the car and running into the house, the smile never leaving my face.