Your Inaccessible Light

A few days later, I am at Ronnie’s house, along with the rest of the band. They write some songs for a while and practise; they’re improving every time I hear them. Since Ronnie is the person who writes most of the songs, I don’t have much of a chance to talk to him, so I talk to Max instead. Max is hilarious. He’s so childish and immature that I can’t help but laugh. At around 10.30pm, the guys all leave, but Ronnie asks me to stay a while longer.

“I need to run something by you,” he tells me.

“Okay, what’s that?” I ask.

“Come out here, I don’t want to wake my brother up.” He picks up his guitar in one hand, taking my hand in the other and then opening the bedroom window. There is a thin ledge overlooking a small part of the city. We climb out the window, sitting down on the ledge and dangling our legs over the edge.

“This better be good cos it’s freezing,” I observe, shivering slightly. Ronnie reaches back inside his room and grabs his plain black hoodie.

“Put this on and quit whinging marshmallow,” he orders and I roll my eyes before pulling it on.

“You look fucking adorable wearing that,” he adds and I smile.

We talk for a while about how good the evening was, and I tell him all the funny things Max was doing. Ronnie lights up what I assume is a joint of weed. I cough because I don’t like the smell. He notices me spluttering and exhales the smoke in the other direction. I appreciate the gesture but it’s not so much that I’m worried about; it’s the damage he’s doing to himself. That niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach returns.

“What are you going to show me then?”

“It’s this song I wrote,” he begins, finally putting out the joint, “It’s not great, so I need your help to tweak it a bit. I’m not even sure if I’ll play it to the guys to be honest; it’s kind of personal. I trust you.” I know this must be special if he’s considering not playing it to the rest of the band. He always plays them any songs he writes. I smile a genuine smile because it means the world that Ronnie trusts me.

“Okay, let me hear it.” He takes a deep breath and hesitates for a second before looking down at the guitar and starting to play.

Mother, where are you today?
You took a piece of me the day you went away,
No recollection or the smell of your perfume,
I took a piece of you the day I left the womb.

Brother, put your needles down.
The best thing for you is to leave this awful town.
Pretty soon, you'll have kids to feed.
If you see mother, tell her I can sing.

Please don't worry, I am doing fine.
You're much too busy to even find the time,
So use your chemicals and take this to your grave,
The boys you left are men you didn't raise.

And daddy, how are you today?
You must be proud of the boys that you have raised.
Your withered heart, and everything it's seen,
Your cuts and calloused hands, you had kids to feed.
You had kids to feed.

Please don't worry, I am doing fine.
You're much too busy to even find the time,
So use your chemicals and take this to your grave,
The boys you left are men you didn't raise.

I feel tears form in my eyes when the song finishes. It’s possibly the best thing he has ever written. It is by far the most honest and emotive thing he’s written. I blink back the tears because I refuse to cry, especially when Ronnie’s holding it together so well. Instead, I shift closer to him and lean into his chest, wrapping my arms around him. He lets out a small laugh, placing his arm round my shoulder and pulling me closer.

“You like it then?” he asks.

“I love it Ronnie, it’s so honest and genuine and emotional. I think it’s really good.”

“Thank you.”

“I think you should play it to the guys.”

“I don’t know sweetie,” he shrugs, “You know I don’t really talk about that stuff.”

“You don’t talk about feelings in general Ronnie,” I smirk.

“Look who’s talking,” he teases, squeezing my waist because he knows I’m insanely ticklish there. I giggle and squirm in his arms but he refuses to let go of me.

“Seriously though,” I laugh, trying to regain my breath, “You should play it to them. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’ll think about it,” he decides. We remain silent for a few minutes, both of us deep in thought. After all, the song gave me a lot to think about. I can’t help but admire Ronnie. Sure, he’s a bit rough around the edges but when I think of everything he’s been through, is it any wonder? I
hate that he’s addicted to drugs but if he’s grown up in that kind of environment and that’s all he’s ever known, of course he’s going to get into drugs himself. My mind flashes back to those few deep conversations we’ve had that I treasure. He’s only talked to me in detail about his mother a handful of times, but I feel like that song shows his true feelings towards her. The raw emotion in his voice sends shivers down my spine because I can tell how much he is hurting. When he talks about his brother, it breaks my heart because I know that feeling all too well and it haunts me like a nightmare. I pray to god that neither Ronnie nor his brother endure the same fate Austin did. I couldn’t bear for either of them to go through losing each other, and to be honest, I don’t think I could bear losing Ronnie. I can’t help but feel for him. No matter how much Ronnie pretends he’s okay, I know he’s not. I’ve always known music is the one place he can really let out his emotions, but that song takes it to a whole new level. I feel like I’ve just seen the deepest parts of him, and it’s a bittersweet feeling.

“I love you,” I say to Ronnie, because it’s as simple as that. I could go on about how kind and funny and caring and talented he is. I could go on about all our memories and random conversations and how much they mean to me. I could go on about all the amazing things he has done for me and how grateful I am. I could go on about how relieving it is to have somebody that understands me better than I understand myself. I could go on for a while actually, but I know if I start, I’ll never stop. Those three words seem to sum everything up though. I love Ronnie. I love him more than anything in this world and I’m sure there is nothing that will ever stop me from loving him. I love him with every piece of me. How could I not?