Your Inaccessible Light

We stay outside for a while longer just talking about everything. Ronnie says he loves me too, although I don’t think he means it in that way. I’m not even sure if I mean it in that way. I definitely have feelings for him but I think it’s too early to be actually in love with him. I just love him in the best friend sort of way. He says I might as well stay over. I got changed after school before I went to Ronnie’s so I can easily wear the same clothes tomorrow to school. Having given me one of his shirts to sleep in, Ronnie declares that he’s not too tired yet so he’s going downstairs to watch a movie. I decide to go straight to sleep because I am so tired, but for some reason, I struggle to get to sleep. Ronnie takes a long time to come to bed and I get suspicious about what he’s doing downstairs. Maybe I’m just being paranoid but I can’t hear the television and I did notice he was a bit shaky throughout the evening. I really hope he was not having withdrawals…at least not giving in to them.
After what feels like forever, Ronnie eventually comes to bed. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, occasionally sneaking a glance when he’s not looking. My suspicions are soon confirmed when I notice he’s unsteady on his feet and he’s shaking a lot more than he was earlier. His eyes are all over the place aswell. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut until I eventually fall into a troubled sleep.

I spent most of the night fidgeting because I can’t get to sleep. At about 3:00am, I’m bored out of my brain so I go downstairs to get a drink. When I come back, Ronnie is still fast asleep. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help but stare. He looks so peaceful and calm and any anger I felt towards him evaporates and suddenly the only feeling I have towards him is love. Quietly so as not to wake him, I sit back down in bed and pull the duvet over my legs, taking a sip of my drink. Much to my dismay, I am still unable to sleep. I shuffle and roll over again, desperately trying to get comfy.
“Noelle, would you shut the fuck up and go to sleep?” Ronnie growls, startling me slightly. I smirk, fidgeting some more just to annoy him.
“I can’t get comfy though,” I complain.
“You know, I don’t actually give a shit right now.”
“You will in the morning when I’m grumpy.”
“Just shut up,” he mutters, turning away from me. I roll over so I’m lying right next to him, and prop myself up on my elbow.
“Ronnie. Ronnie. Ronnie. Ronnie. Guess what?” I pester him, still giggling. He opens his eyes slightly.
“What?” he mutters, and I can tell he’s getting genuinely pissed off now.
“I love you,” I tell him. I don’t say it to get a response. I say it simply to irritate him.
“Whatever marshmallow,” he sighs, elbowing me sharply in the ribs before he shuts his eyes again and goes to sleep.

The next day, I struggle to concentrate all through school due to how tired I am. Ronnie decides not to even bother coming into school, which annoys me slightly. I shrug it off, telling myself to stop being so controlling over him; it’s his life. That he’s destroying. At lunchtime, I say hi to Max and the guys quickly before going to sit with Amber, Tristan, Harlee and Keegan.
“Do you guys want to hang out tonight?” I ask. I didn’t really have anything specific in mind, but I needed a distraction from Ronnie. Besides, I’m beginning to love hanging out with these people.
“Hell yeah,” Harlee grins, “What should we do?”
“There’s a show down town for this indie rock band I know,” Keegan suggested.
“Honey, what do you not understand about me saving for college?” Harlee demands.
“But the tickets are only cheap.”
“No buts, I’m trying to save for college and you’re not even being supportive,” she cries, throwing her arms up as she rushes out the room. A look of panic crosses Keegan’s face as he chases after her, leaving just the three of us smirking and rolling our eyes.
“He’s whipped,” Tristan chuckles.
“Don’t be mean,” says Amber.
“Come on, she’s fucking crazy. I love Harlee, don’t get me wrong, but she’s nuts. Keegan’s a complete mug to run around after her like that.” I laugh. Tristan does have a point. I have noticed Harlee’s short-tempered snappiness towards Keegan and admittedly, she does have ridiculously high expectations of her boyfriend, but I just find it funny. I can’t imagine Keegan feels the same.
“We can just hang out at mine tonight if that’s easier,” I suggest.
“Oh I don’t know, that might not be good enough for the drama queen over there,” Tristan teases.
“Shut up,” Amber laughs, rolling her eyes, “Noelle that would be lovely if you don’t mind.”
“Yeah sure,” I grin. Maybe it sounds stupid but it makes me so happy that I’m socialising again and doing normal teenage things. Obviously I stopped when things started going wrong with Austin, and it got even worse once he died, and I’ve always worried that I’d never know what it feels like to be ‘normal’ again. I don’t know if normal is the right word. Maybe it’s more of a stability thing. I haven’t had stability in a long time, if ever; my parents are the most dysfunctional people I have ever seen, my mind is a mess and my brother’s fucking dead. I guess there’s something comforting about having a solid friendship group. Sure, Harlee’s temperamental with Keegan but she’s fine with me. I like having friends that I can rely on, that I know beyond reasonable doubt will still be here tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I love Ronnie to bits but he’s not your average definition of ‘normal’, but these four people, they’re down-to-earth and they’re happy and they’re not fucking drug addicts. Everything is simple and easy and fun and I don’t have to wake up each morning hoping against hope one of them hasn’t fucking topped themselves. It’s a relief, even though it shouldn’t be because no one should ever have to feel like that in the first place, but I did for a while, a long time in fact but now I don’t so it’s okay. My mind suddenly feels overwhelmed and I realise I have once again thought into so much detail that I’ve tired myself out. It’s a silly habit I will some day break.

That’s what Austin always said.

‘It’s a silly habit I will some day break.’