Your Inaccessible Light

The day drags, as school always does. Nothing particularly interesting happens, until 3.30 when I’m heading out of school. “Hey sweetie, you need a ride?” I turn around to see none other than Ronnie Radke standing behind me.

“It’s fine. I can walk,” I tell him, forcing a smile to my face. I assume he must still be pissed off from earlier, so I listen to my brain and decide it’s wise to avoid him for a while.

“I didn’t say you can’t,” he shrugs, “But I want to talk to you.”

“About what Ronnie?” I sigh, feeling that conflicting feeling in my chest, a feeling that’s become far too familiar lately.

“Relax,” he smirks, “I just want to talk.”

“Whatever,” I mutter, rolling my eyes jokingly before carrying on walking.

“So you want a ride then?” he persists, clearly determined not to drop it. I hesitate for a moment, weighing up my options. My brain is insisting this is a terrible idea, but there’s something in me demanding that I trust him, and no matter what I do, I can’t ignore it.

“Sure, why not?” I give in, because how can I say no? Ronnie places his hand on the small of my back and guides me across the parking lot to his battered and beaten van. From the looks of it, it shouldn’t even be on the road. Ronnie opens up the passenger door and I get in, winding down the window to get rid of the smell of cigarettes and alcohol and god knows what else. It smells like cannabis, and suddenly I’m caught like a deer in headlights. My mind instantly fills with horrible memories. I feel sick. I mentally curse myself for being such an idiot. This is such a bad idea. I should not be getting involved with this boy. He’s just like before; he’s just like Austin. He makes me remember things I’m trying so hard to forget. Swallowing hard, I shake the thoughts from my head.

“How was your day?” he asks.

“Good,” I nod, “What about you?”

“It was shit.”

“Why?”

“School’s always shit,” he shrugs. I direct him to my house which is only a ten minute drive from school and he kills the engine when we get outside.

“Are your parents not home?” he asks.

“No. They’re working till late,” I explain.

“So I can stay for dinner then, right?” A small laugh escapes my lips. He’s so forward.

“You are unbelievable,” I exclaim.

“That’s a yes then?” he smirks. He doesn’t even wait for an answer before he jumps out the car and heads towards the front door. I laugh, shaking my head in disbelief as I follow him. As soon as I unlock the door, Ronnie walks straight in, making himself at home.

“You have any alcohol?” he asks.

“There is no way I’m giving you alcohol,” I say quickly, feeling my jaw clench.

“Alright,” he laughs to himself, “Relax. You’re so uptight.” He walks over to where I’m standing, placing his hands on my shoulders and running them up and down my arms. I look down at the ground to hide the fact I’m blushing.

“I’m not as bad as everyone makes me out to be darlin’,” he explains.

“I find that hard to believe,” I scoff.

“Sorry, who was the first person that spoke to you on Monday?”

“You…” I say, a small smile on my lips.

“Exactly,” Ronnie smirks, “You’re the one that was being a bitch today.”

“How was I?” I raise my eyebrows in question. Ronnie steps closer to me, suddenly grabbing my arms and pinning me up against the wall. My heart is pounding again and my head is so conflicted I can’t focus. I should be terrified but all I can think about is how close Ronnie is to me, and how much I want to kiss him right now. I don’t know why, but the urge is almost overwhelming.

“Cut the bullshit. You know exactly what you did.”

“You were the one acting like a total dick. You walk round school thinking you’re so much better than everyone else and I’m sick of it. Everyone is; the whole fucking school is scared of you. Don’t get pissy with me just because I stood up to you.” Ronnie’s anger-filled stare is burning into my eyes as he presses his body roughly against mine, leaving me completely trapped.

“People are scared of me for a reason Noelle. Try anything like that again and I swear to god you’ll regret it,” he hisses.

“Cool,” I smirk, imitating his tone from earlier as I push him away from me. “What do you want for dinner?” Ronnie composes himself and then opens the fridge. He rifles through it for a few seconds before moving onto the freezer.

“Pizza is good,” he decides, holding up a couple of frozen pizzas.

“Well that saves me having to cook something,” I nod, putting them into the oven. Ronnie slumps onto the sofa and I sit next to him, careful to keep a bit of distance between us. I’m wary of people I don’t know, and my brain tells me I should be careful of Ronnie in particular. Ronnie sighs, leaning back on the sofa, putting his legs across my lap.

“Make yourself at home why don’t you,” I say sarcastically, pushing his legs away. He smirks and shuffles closer to me, dropping his hand on my knee. I feel butterflies in my stomach again.

“You’re pretty, you know.” I feel myself blush, but I try to act casual, laughing it off. Judging by what I’ve seen of Ronnie so far, I can imagine him to be a complete womanizer.

“Don’t get any ideas Radke,” I mutter, “I’m not like those other girls.”

“What other girls?” he asks defensively.

“I’m not gonna sleep with you if that’s what you’re after,” I say quickly.

“Why would you think that’s what I’m after?”

“Aren’t you?” I raise my eyebrows suspiciously. After all, that’s what guys like Ronnie generally are after. He doesn’t reply for a minute, and then he lets out a small laugh.

“Well that’s not all I’m after,” he argues, as if that makes it any better.

“Ronnie, I know the girls at school are probably all over you and you’re used to getting everything you want, but I’m not gonna do that.” Ronnie stands up and steps away from me, his demeanour instantly changing.

“I’m not used to getting everything I want. You don’t know shit about me Noelle.” I can’t decide whether he’s mad at me, or if it’s just the fact he naturally speaks in an aggressive manner.

“Ronnie, what is with you?” I exclaim, shocked at his insane mood swings.

“Nothing,” he mutters defensively.

“One minute you’re pissed off with me, then you’re being sweet, then you’re being a cocky prick and then you’re pissed off again.”

Ronnie sighs before coming to sit next to me again. “Noelle, you’re a nice girl and I really like you. I have a temper though; I won’t take shit from anybody, particularly someone like you.” A blunt laugh escapes my lips.

“But in all honesty, you’re a really nice girl, and you’re hot. I’d like to hang out with you more.” I take a few seconds to think over his words. I still don’t know what his deal is; I’ve made it perfectly clear I’m not going to sleep with him. There’s no way he’s after a relationship. Everyone knows people like Ronnie don’t date girls. They just sleep with them. Besides, if he did want a relationship, he could get any girl he wanted. There is no way in hell he would pick me. I know Ronnie must have some ulterior motive for wanting to hang out with me, and strangely, I’m desperate to find out.

“I’d like to hang out with you too,” I tell him.