Your Inaccessible Light

Once we are back at my house, I debate texting Ronnie to make sure he’s alright, but I decide against it. I shouldn’t waste my time worrying about him when he’s causing his own problems. Instead I focus on my friends, my friends who don’t have me worried sick. We decide to order a pizza, as Harlee’s budget can just about stretch to that. Just before seven, there’s a knock at the door. I’m surprised but annoyingly, excited, to see Ronnie.

“Hey,” he grins before furrowing his eyebrows. “Who’s here?”

“My friends.”

“Why wasn’t I invited?” he teases, although I get the feeling he’s only half joking.

“Ronnie, you don’t even like these guys,” I tell him, “I mean, you can come in if you want.”

“Yeah,” he nods, stepping inside. I feel confused because Ronnie’s behaviour is slightly odd. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable or anything; it’s just unexpected. I don’t know when he suddenly became interested in hanging out with these guys. I watch him, intrigued as he half-heartedly greets each of my friends before taking a seat.

“Sorry, I hope it’s okay for Ronnie to hang out with us,” I say awkwardly as I step past Ronnie to sit down. He takes me by surprise, grabbing my waist and pulling me down into his lap.

“Course it is,” he grins, sure of himself as always.

“And if you’re gonna be cocky, you can leave,” I remind him, trying to sound confident and collected even though my thoughts could not be less collected if I tried. I’ve got butterflies from being so close to Ronnie but I’m confused why he’s being like this. It is not like Ronnie to be so affectionate.

For the next few minutes, all of us talk. At first, conversation is awkward, but as Ronnie lightens up, the others grow less intimidated by him, and the tension clears. I notice that despite this, Ronnie keeps me held close to him, his arms tightly around my waist, as if protecting me from something. It’s not unusual for Ronnie and I to be close, but he’s never been like this before. Every now and then, he makes little digs at the others, as if he’s trying to prove that he’s closer to me than they are. This is yet another side of Ronnie that I have not seen until now. It’s almost as though he’s jealous.

“I’m going to get some more drinks, Ronnie can you help me?” I say, giving him an ‘I need to talk to you’ kind of look. He stares at me dubiously before getting up and following me into the kitchen area. I turn up the volume of the radio ever so slightly, just to be sure my friends don’t overhear, although they’re pretty much absorbed in conversation anyway.

“Ronnie, what’s wrong with you?” I whisper.

“Nothing,” he shrugs.

“You’re being weird. Tell me what’s up?”

“I’m not being weird.”

“Now you’re being difficult. You’re acting like a jealous boyfriend.”

“How am I?” he cries defensively.

“Oh, I don’t know. How about the fact you haven’t let go of me all evening? What about how you got pissy when Keegan made an inside joke with me? Or that every time any of them say anything about me, you have to go a step further, as if to prove I’m closer to you than any of them?”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means that you’re trying to get one up on them. All Tristan did was mention that we hung out afterschool one day and you suddenly tensed up and had to remind him of every time me and you have hung out in the past month.”

“You’re mine, not theirs,” he whines, staring at the ground.

“I’m not yours Ronnie. I’m my own person and last time I checked you didn’t own me.”

“Yeah but you were my friend first.”

“Do you realise how ridiculous you sound? You’re acting like a five year old child. Besides, I was friends with Amber before I was friends with you.”

“Sorry, who was the first person to talk to you on your first day at school?” I do not even need to think to know the answer to the question. How could I possibly forget the day this arrogant but somehow charming boy came into my life?

“That would be you Mr. Radke,” I sigh, rolling my eyes.

“Exactly, so you fucking mind yourself before you mind me,” he orders before going back into the living room area. I take a second to compose myself, having suddenly been made to feel as though all the air has been sucked from my lungs, a feeling that I have grown familiar with since being around Ronnie. Once I have caught my breath and once the butterflies in my stomach have gone away, I grab some cans of drinks and then hand them out to everyone. Ronnie pulls me back into his lap, interlocking his fingers with my own. I don’t know quite how I feel about that. I should be irritated, but all I can think about is how happy and safe I feel in his arms, and how nothing else seems to matter when I am with him. All I can think about is how hard I’ve fallen for him, and how much I wish he’d fall just as hard for me. Then I am hit with the cold hard facts. Ronnie Radke does not fall for people like me. He does not fall for anyone at all in fact, and that scares me, because even though I’m young and naïve and have so little life experience, I know I have never fallen for anyone in the way I have for Ronnie, and sometimes I wonder if I ever will.