Your Inaccessible Light

That Friday, there is a party at Ronnie’s house. I am not keen on the idea at first, after all, I hardly know anyone, but eventually Ronnie talks me round. I have never been good at saying no to him. Straight after school, the pair of us, along with Max, go out to grab a bite to eat. On the way back, we stop at a dingy looking newsagent downtown. Ronnie gives me strict orders to stay in the car with the doors locked which I guess is his strange way of showing he cares. It is kind of sweet, by Ronnie’s standards at least. He and Max don’t take long, and when they get back, they are both carrying large crates of alcohol which they quickly stash in the back of the van. Ronnie then gets into the driving seat, taking a small bag from his pocket and passing it to Max. My heart drops when I realise it cannot be anything other than drugs. I’m suddenly filled with worry, and I wonder whether staying for the party is a good idea.

By 11pm, Ronnie’s house is jam-packed full of people, most of whom I have never met before. Thankfully, his dad and brother are both away for the weekend as I can’t imagine either of them would be okay with this. I sit in the living room with Max, Robert and a few of their friends. They have all been drinking, but I am getting better at dealing with it. They are not yet drunken enough that I am too scared to be in their company.

It is about two hours later when things start to go wrong. Coral and the clones appear, and she makes a beeline for me as soon as she notes my presence. I force a smile as she rudely interrupts our conversation.

“What a surprise to see you here,” she mutters, rolling her eyes.

“Can I help you with something?” I snap, instantly losing the small amount of patience I had for her.

“You could tell me where Ronnie is.”

“I really wish I could,” I smirk, “But I don’t know myself.” That isn’t a lie. I have not seen Ronnie for over an hour, and I wonder where he could have got to. It sounds pathetic but I like knowing where he is, just so I have that reassurance. It’s not that I don’t trust Max or any of the other guys; I just trust Ronnie the most. I trust him to keep me safe.

“I find that hard to believe,” Coral scoffs.

“Oh grow up Coral,” I retort, “If I knew where he was I’d tell you.”

“Sure you would,” she frowns before stalking off into the crowd.

“What’s her problem?” Robert asks.

“She’s jealous because she thinks her fuckbuddy is replacing her,” Max smirks. My stomach churns at the thought and I feel silly for getting so possessive over someone who isn’t even mine.

“Oh fuck off; she and Ronnie aren’t even exclusive. He’s fucked ninety per cent of the chicks at our school,” Robert scoffs, his facial features twisted into a look of disgust.

“But for some reason fucking beyond me, she’s the only one he keeps going back to.”

“Speaking of Ronnie, I best go and find him,” I decide.

“He’s probably in the bathroom throwing his guts up by now, if I know Ronnie.” The uneasiness in my stomach intensifies at Robert’s words. I quickly check the rooms downstairs for Ronnie, carefully dodging all of the drunks. Much to my relief, there are a lot less people when I get upstairs. I head straight to Ronnie’s room, but my stomach drops as soon as I open the door. Ronnie’s in bed with a girl I recognise from school, his tongue down her throat and their clothes scattered on the floor. The girl gasps and pulls the duvet over her. Ronnie looks up at me, a guilty smirk on his face. Quickly, I pull myself together and focus on hiding every emotion I feel right now.

“Jesus Ronnie, ever thought of locking the door?” I frown, stepping out of the room.

“Noelle wait,” he calls and I step back inside, averting my eyes from the sight of the boy I’m hopelessly obsessed with in bed with another girl.

“What’s up?” he slurs, and I look him in the eye long enough to realise he’s been on something other than alcohol.

“Nothing, don’t worry.” He stares at me blankly for a second, so off his face that it takes him a while to process what I have said. The girl he’s with places her hand on his forearm and he inhales sharply before nodding in my direction.

“You can join us if you want,” he smirks.

“You wish,” I scoff before leaving the room. My heart is racing and I suddenly feel hot and claustrophobic, unable to get the image of Ronnie and the girl out of my head. I don’t understand why I’ve let myself become so attached to him in such a short space of time. I hate the fact that I’m dependent on him the way he is on drugs. It’s pathetic and weak and I’m setting myself up to get hurt. It’s a no-win situation and I knew that from the start, yet I chose to go there anyway. Then again, I’m not sure I had much of a choice.

I go downstairs and step outside the house, desperate for some fresh air. There are a few other people milling about: a group of guys smoking what could be either cigarettes or spliffs, and a couple who are drunkenly falling about, their hands all over each other. I step around the side of the house and lean against the wall, fighting to get my breathing steady.

After a few minutes, I hear Max’s voice and peer round the corner to see him talking to a small group of people whom I recognise from having seen around school. Putting on a smile, I walk over to the group and attempt to look relaxed.

“Did you find Ronnie?” Max asks me.

“Yeah, he’s in bed with some girl.”

“Oh god,” Max sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

“What?”

“The girl he was with, is she blonde? Big tits? A shit tonne of make-up?”

“Well I wasn’t exactly focusing on her tits but she was blonde and wearing a lot of make-up. Why?”

“That’s Carlie Carter. Ronnie’s had his eye on her for weeks. She’s a bit of a slag. She’s going out with Dwayne Roberts. Ronnie will get killed if Dwayne finds out.” I don’t know Dwayne, but I know of him. He’s not feared by everyone in the way Ronnie is, but he’s bad news and people generally do not want to get on the wrong side of him. But this is Ronnie, and Ronnie seems to get a kick out of stirring up trouble.