Your Inaccessible Light

When I wake up the next morning, I ache all over and feel completely unrefreshed. It was about 5.00am by the time most people had left the party. I didn’t see Ronnie again for the rest of the night, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I couldn’t stop picturing him with Carlie. Max and a bunch of other people decided to crash at Ronnie’s anywhere they could find space. Max said I could stay too, which wasn’t exactly ideal, but it was probably a safer bet than walking home on my own in the early hours of the morning.

I am surrounded by sleeping bodies, most people still completely knocked out from the amount of alcohol they consumed the previous night. I go into the bathroom to wash my face and neaten up my hair, although I’m too tired to care what I look like. Much to my dismay, I have to go into Ronnie’s room to get my bag. He is still asleep and so is Carlie, so I silently grab my things before leaving. Carlie doesn’t like me walking around town on my own, but I’d rather do that than spend any more time at that place. I feel agitated, upset and pathetic, and the lack of sleep isn’t helping the situation. For the first time, I see the appeal in getting so drunk you don’t remember anything. Some things are best forgotten.

It is gone four in the afternoon when I awaken from my rather long nap. I pick up my towel and shampoo, ready to take a shower, but just before I go into the bathroom, my phone rings. It’s Ronnie.

“Hey,” I mutter.

“Baby, I need to talk to you,” he tells me urgently. I begin to panic because that can only mean something serious, right?

“What is it?” I ask him, trying to hide the anxiousness in my voice.

“It’s nothing bad,” he assures me, and I breathe a sigh of relief. “Can I come over?”

“I’m just getting in the shower.”

“I can join you,” he suggests, and I know him well enough to know he is only half joking.

“In your dreams Radke. Give me twenty minutes,” I tell him, rolling my eyes, annoyed at myself
for giving in as per usual.

“Just be quick,” he persists.

“I will,” I say as I hang up the phone. I shower as quickly as I can and when I turn off the shower, wrap myself in a towel and return to my room, I’m startled to see that Ronnie is already there, sprawled across the bed. Judging by the fact his hair is a mess and his eyeliner is smudged, I figure he hasn’t long been up. As usual, he is dressed in black skinny jeans, along with a black band t-shirt, and he looks effortlessly attractive.

“The front door was unlocked,” he tells me, flashing me a mischievous smile as he eyes me up and down.

“Eyes up here thank you,” I remind him, clicking my fingers next to my head. He smirks and gets up off of the bed, snaking his arms round my waist.

“You’re not mad are you? About last night?” he asks, even though he already knows the answer. I reckon that by now, he’s aware of my weakness of never being able to be mad at him.

“How could I be mad at someone who practically broke in to my house?” I mutter.

“You can’t,” he smirks, planting a kiss on my neck and then another one on my jaw. I am aware of how dangerously close he is getting to my lips.

“Watch it Ronnie, I don’t want you getting carried away,” I tell him, pushing him away from me.

“It’s not my fault you’re attractive,” he retorts. I roll my eyes, grabbing some sweat pants and a t-shirt as I face away from Ronnie so I can get myself dressed without letting him see anything.

“Anyway, what is it you need to talk to me about?” I ask, sitting down cross-legged opposite him on the bed once I am fully clothed.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay about last night.”

“Why wouldn’t I be? You sleeping with someone isn’t exactly a shock.”

“Wait, how do you know about that?”

“What?”

“Who told you about Carlie?”

“Ronnie I walked in on you. I thought that’s why you came round.”

“Oh shit,” he laughs, “Sorry, I don’t remember much. I thought you might be mad about me disappearing and pretty much leaving you on your own.”

“I wasn’t on my own,” I say, using the opportunity to get my own back. He gets jealous just as easily as I do. “Max looked after me,” I add.

“How nice of him,” Ronnie mutters dryly and I can’t help but get a kick of satisfaction out of the fact I gave him a taste of his own medicine. We’re both as stubborn and possessive as each other.

“He’s your best mate Ronnie, don’t be jealous,” I tease, unable to resist the chance to dig the knife in.

“Yeah, but it’s thanks to me that he’s even friends with you, for fuck’s sake,” he cries, jumping up from the bed.

“So you’re allowed to sleep with whoever you want but I’m not allowed to even talk to your friends when you completely ditch me,” I retort, with a lot more bitterness in my voice than I intended. Ronnie lets out a blunt laugh.

“Sweetie, by the sounds of things, you’re the one that’s jealous here.” Once again, he’s somehow regained the upper hand, and I don’t know how he manages to do that so easily.

“Oh please,” I scoff before being cut off by Ronnie.

“If you want to sleep with me, all you have to do is ask,” he says casually, his voice oozing arrogance.

“Get over yourself, why would I wanna lose my virginity to an asshole like you?”

“You’re a virgin?” he gasps and I suddenly feel embarrassed. I didn’t intend to tell him that, but Ronnie is Ronnie and I cannot help but feel completely comfortable and secure around him. I don’t think about what I say when I’m with Ronnie the way that I do when I’m with anyone else.

“Yes,” I admit, my cheeks turning red.

“I shouldn’t be surprised but I am,” he laughs, clapping his hands together, as though he’s purposely trying to make the situation even more embarrassing for me. “Have you even kissed anyone?”

“No,” I sigh, falling back on the bed, covering my face with my hands.

“Fuck, that’s so cute. You’re so innocent,” he teases.

“I’m glad someone finds this funny.”

“Aww, don’t be embarrassed honey, it’s cute.”
Ronnie steps towards the bed and crawls towards where I am lying, positioning himself on top of me, his knees either side of my waist.

“What are you doing?” I ask him, my heart pounding thanks to being so close to him.

“Relax, you trust me right?”

“I’m not sure about that,” I joke and he rolls his eyes, dropping his forehead against my shoulder in defeat.

“You’re a pain in the ass madam,” he sighs.

“But you love me,” I smirk, imitating his own arrogance. He exhales sharply, a smile on his face.

“Close your eyes,” he demands and I feel myself blush.

“What?”

“If you kiss me, then that’s your first kiss out the way,” he tells me simply, acting as though it’s the most casual thing in the world, “And who better to kiss than yours truly?”

“Ronnie,” I giggle when I realise he’s serious, hiding my face as I feel myself blush again. If only
he knew how long I’ve wanted to kiss him.

“Don’t look so fucking embarrassed. Close your fucking eyes,” he repeats, leaning down towards me so his lips are just centimetres from mine. Slowly and cautiously, with nerves bubbling in the pit of my stomach, I do as I am told. He immediately presses his lips to mine. Suddenly, I feel as though my heart is going to beat out of my chest, and my head is a mess of both nerves and excitement. I slide my arms up his biceps and round his neck, deepening the kiss as he forces my lips apart. My stomach is full of butterflies and for a moment, everything is good in the world. I smile into the kiss as the spark I always feel when I am with him explodes into a full-on flame. I feel as if I’ve been waiting for this moment forever. When he finally pulls away, I giggle, squeezing my eyes shut and once again, covering my face with my hands.

“You just kissed me,” I say lamely and he exhales, shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“No shit. But now you know what it’s like. And you get to tell everyone you’ve had the pleasure of kissing thee Ronnie Radke,” he replies. I sigh, too busy trying to hide the smile that can’t leave my lips to roll my eyes at his cockiness. For so long I’ve been imagining what it would be like to kiss him, but it was a thousand times better than I could have ever imagined. I just wish that kiss meant as much to him as it did to me.

A lot of people say that when they kiss someone, their mind is overwhelmed by happy thoughts and fluttery feelings and other shit like that. For me, when I kissed Ronnie, it was the first time in months that my mind had been clear. It was the first time in months that I felt like everything could be okay again.