Your Inaccessible Light

“You’ll be careful today yeah?” Ronnie urges as we walk into school the following Monday.

“What? Why?”

“I think dickwad Dwayne’s found out about Friday. He’s pissed. I don’t want you getting caught up in this shit,” he explains, glancing over his shoulder as we make our way down the crowded school hallways.

“I can take care of myself,” I remind him.

“Yeah because you can take out the captain of the fucking football team. Do me a favour and use your fucking brain for once would you?” he spits, more venom in his voice than usual. I hate how he talks as though he’s superior to me. I may be a pushover when it comes to Ronnie, but I won’t let him talk down to me.

“What, like you did on Friday night when you slept with his girlfriend?”

“The difference is that I can stick up for myself sweetie,” he patronises.

“And I can’t?”

“Not against someone who’s fucking double your size.”

“Would you stop treating me like a child? Last time I checked you weren’t invincible yourself.”

“Whatever Noelle. I’m only looking out for you. I won’t fucking bother next time,” he hisses before stalking off into the crowd, leaving me on my own, head reeling but stomach full of butterflies. I’ll never be bored with Ronnie, that’s for sure.

When the bell for lunch rings, I meet Max as usual, since our classes are next door, and then we walk to the cafeteria together. “Ronnie said you pissed him off this morning,” Max grins.

“The feeling’s mutual,” I say bitterly.

“Ouch. That’s cold. What happened?”

“It’s no biggie. We won’t fall out over it. I just feel like sometimes he babies me. I know he only does it because he cares but I like to be independent and I hate that I feel like I’m relying on him.”

“Yeah I get that. He’s overly protective of you, but like you said, it’s only because he cares. Being completely honest here, I’ve never seen him care for anyone the way he does for you.” I feel myself blush, but at the same time, it only frustrates me more. I love that he protects me but I’m so scared of becoming reliant on him to fight my battles. I’m scared I already have.

“Are you coming to sit with us?”

“Sure,” I say as we head over to their usual table. I notice Ronnie and Monte aren’t there yet, but then I hear a commotion, and turn around to see the pair coming face to face with Dwayne Roberts.

“Fuck,” Max murmurs under his breath, grabbing my arm and yanking me over to where his bandmates are standing.

“Radke, what the fuck man?” Dwayne growls as he squares up to Ronnie, two other guys from the football team waiting behind Dwayne as backup.

“Hey man, how’s your girlfriend?” Ronnie smirks, unable to resist the opportunity to stir up the situation some more.

“I suggest you shut the fuck up,” Dwayne responds as he grabs Ronnie by the collar. Dwayne is slightly taller than Ronnie, and a lot more muscular, but I don’t doubt Ronnie will give as good as he gets. Judging from what I’ve heard, Ronnie’s no stranger to fist fights. My heart is racing nonetheless. I care about Ronnie far more than is healthy.

Robert and Omar soon emerge from the crowd that has quickly begun to gather around us. They step forward, along with Max, already instinctively tensing up.

“I suggest you don’t initiate fights you stand no chance of winning, you fucking asshole,” Ronnie yells, shoving Dwayne repeatedly until he releases his grip on Ronnie. Ronnie’s bandmates and Dwayne’s two friends wait anxiously, mentally debating whether or not to step in.

“I’m the asshole? How about I fuck your girl over here and see how you like that?” Dwayne says, nodding his head in my direction. Ronnie looks over his shoulder and notices my presence, his eyes suddenly turning cold as he spins round and throws a strong punch straight in Dwayne’s face.

“Noelle, get the hell out of here,” he orders, throwing several more punches at Dwayne before grabbing him by the collar and kneeing him in the crotch. The football captain collapses to the ground and his two friends jump to his defence, one of them landing a solid punch on Ronnie’s jaw. Before I can even comprehend what is going on, Max and the guys get involved too and it turns into a full on brawl. The crowd around us has now doubled and people are yelling and cheering. Ronnie has one of Dwayne’s friends on the floor and is punching him repeatedly in the face, despite the fact there is already blood pouring from his nose. I want to tell Ronnie to stop, but his eyes are filled with rage and I know that when he’s like this, there’s no way I can make him quit.

“Max, get her out of here,” I hear Ronnie utter to Max. Max, who has Dwayne in a headlock, punches him once more, before releasing him, grabbing my arm and pulling me through the crowd
in the direction of the cafeteria exit.

“Don’t touch me,” I order, taking him by surprise and managing to pull out of his grasp.

“Come on Noelle, you don’t need to see that.”

“Neither do the rest of the fucking school, how come you’re not dragging them away?” I counter.
“Because like I said earlier, Ronnie doesn’t give a shit about the rest of the school,” he says before placing his hand on the small of my back and ushering me away from the scene. I am reluctant to go, but there’s not much point arguing. Max would most likely win and I wouldn’t get much out of it even if he didn’t.

“Man, you and Ronnie are more alike than I thought,” Max sighs in exasperation, slumping against the lockers in the corridor.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re stubborn as fuck and don’t know when to quit.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” I argue, “And you’re no better.”

“And defensive,” Max sneers, his voice still carefree and calm.

“You’re bleeding,” I tell him, completely ignoring his comment as I really am not in the mood to argue. Max glances at his reflection in his phone screen and then his lips curve into a small smile.

“So I am,” he acknowledges, “I assure you that’s nothing compared to what Dwayne and his bum buddies will look like when Ronnie’s done with them.”

“I guess you’re right about Ronnie not knowing when to stop,” I admit.

“I’m no saint but fuck; Ronnie takes shit way too far. He gets angry and he can’t control it. As you saw, when he’s mad, there’s no getting through to him. There was this one fight where he was close to killing some guy. It took three of us to restrain him.”

“That’s rough.”

“I’m gonna go and check on him, okay? Better make sure he hasn’t fucking murdered anyone. I think it’s best you stay away.”

“But,” I start to protest but Max cuts me off.

“It’s best that he calms down first. People have clearly caught onto the fact that they can use you against him,” he explains before walking back into the cafeteria. The door slams shut, reverberating around the empty hallway and the hollowness in my chest. I sink to the floor, feeling completely defeated and confused. I don’t completely understand what Max meant by people using me against Ronnie. I don’t doubt Ronnie won the fight but I still want to make sure he’s okay. Ronnie knows more about me than anyone else, yet he shuts me out from so many aspects of his life. It’s not like Dwayne would have touched me anyway. I was absolutely fine. I can’t stand being shut out of things and right now, it feels like that’s exactly what’s going on.