Your Inaccessible Light

When school finishes, I decide to go to Ronnie’s house. He always comes to see me when I’m not in school, so I feel like I should do the same. I want to talk to him aswell. I want to know if he’s going to sort himself out, or if he’s going to carry on being a prick and get himself thrown out. As much as I’d love for it to be the former, I’m bracing myself for the latter. Max offers to walk me to Ronnie’s, seeing as Ronnie doesn’t like me walking in this neighbourhood on my own, but I want to prove to Ronnie that I’m not incompetent. When I arrive, I’m glad to see that there are no cars on the drive aside from Ronnie’s van. I don’t much fancy facing his brother again. I knock on the door and after what feels like an eternity, Ronnie answers.

“Hey,” he mutters, chuckling to himself, his eyes darting all around, as if he’s watching for something. It takes me all of five seconds to realise he is high.

“Ronnie what have you taken?” I ask, feeling my heart hammering against my chest.

“Fuck knows,” he laughs loudly, “It’s great isn’t it?”

“I came here to talk to you but I’m not gonna get any sense out of you. I don’t know why I bother,” I mutter, turning to leave.

“Wait, you can’t go yet,” he tells me.

“And why not?” I glance around the room, noting the cocaine residue on the table and the bottles of beer littered across the floor.

“Because you just got here. Are you thick or something?”

“No Ronnie, I am not. You’re throwing your life away. If anyone’s thick it’s you. I can’t deal with you when you’re like this. I’ll see you when you’ve pulled yourself together.”

“Wait!” Ronnie demands, grabbing the door handle before I can shut it behind me.

“What?” I yell, my patience wearing unbelievably thin.

“Have a fun…day…day? Have a fun night, I mean,” he slurs, stumbling over his words due to how ridiculously intoxicated he is.

“I doubt that, but thanks.” With that I turn my back and start walking in the direction of my house. I feel that ever so familiar ache in my chest. Ronnie’s getting worse. He says he’s in control but he’s most definitely not. That’s what Austin said and that’s what all the rest of them say. Ronnie is far from in control. He is losing everything and I want nothing more than to help him but I don’t know how. I let Austin down but I can’t let Ronnie down too. I have to do it right this time. I have to save him but trying to save him would mean sacrificing my own happiness but leaving him to destroy himself would mean sacrificing my own happiness aswell.

The following Friday, there is a party at Max’s to celebrate the band selling out their first proper headlining gig. It’s in a small venue in the centre of town. It’s not for a few weeks yet, but they guys will use anything they can as an excuse to celebrate. Initially, I am not so keen on going to the party, but I’m soon persuaded by the fact Ronnie has still not returned to school, and I’m missing him uncontrollably. It’s embarrassing how reliant I have become on him. He picks me up from school and we hang out for a while and everything is good, as it always is when I am with him and he is sober. It reassures me that the Ronnie I know and love is still there. At around 7.00pm, we head to Max’s and help him set up. It’s only once the other guests arrive that Ronnie turns into the Ronnie I can’t stand. He’s stumbling about all over the place and throughout the night, I catch him making out with at least three different girls. I have no right to be jealous but I am. Somehow, I manage to distract myself by talking to Max and Omar and a few other guys who I know from school or from Ronnie’s party. I find it far easier to talk to guys than I do to girls. Once everyone has left, Max lets me crash on the couch. Not many people stay over this time. Monte and Robert stay, along with one of their friends. I assume Ronnie must be sleeping upstairs, unless of course he’s gone home with some girl.

Unfortunately, I do not end up getting much sleep at all. Seeing Ronnie like that and worrying about him so much triggers flashbacks of Austin and the months leading up to his death. I feel like an overprotective parent. I feel some sort of responsibility to look after Ronnie. I am plagued by nightmares of finding him dead. The thought makes me feel physically sick but after seeing it happen to Austin, and seeing Ronnie taking the exact path Austin did, it seems inevitable that Ronnie will wind up how Austin did. By about 9.00am, I am so sick with fear, and I know that the fear won’t be eradicated until I check Ronnie is okay. I glance around the living room quickly but Ronnie is still not around, so I check upstairs. My heart is thundering and my cheeks are wet with tears. I open the door to the spare room to find him in bed with Coral. They are both awake but only semi-clothed, so it’s no surprise what they were up to last night. Fresh tears spring to my eyes as I suddenly feel crushed by so many different emotions. I’m relieved that Ronnie’s okay. I’m jealous and hurt that he’s with Coral. I’m terrified because even though he’s okay now, I know he won’t be okay much longer. I’m embarrassed that I let myself get so overcome with emotion that I can’t hold myself together.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Ronnie gasps, shoving Coral off of his lap.

“I’m…I’m sorry…I’ve gotta go,” I stutter, my brain so clouded that I momentarily forget how to communicate like a normal human being. Panicking, I step out of the room, pull the door shut and rush downstairs towards the front door.

“Noelle, wait!” Ronnie cries. I look behind me to see Ronnie following me down the stairs, having quickly pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans. I stare helplessly at him, completely lost for words and confused and scared. Don’t do this right now. Not here. Not in front of people.

“Ronnie, come back to bed,” Coral whines, appearing at the top of the stairs. Ronnie shakes his head and waves his arm in a dismissive manner.

“Ronnie you can’t just leave me,” she continues.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want,” he mutters, grabbing my arm and tugging me into the kitchen.