Lonely, Drunk and Beautiful
Chapter 5
“Are you okay?” Alex asks quietly, after the third time I stall his car.
I clench and unclench my right hand, ignoring the scream of agony that shoots up my tendons as I do so. I need to calm down, because I can’t see through the haze of red mist that’s slowly descending over my eyes.
I take a left at the traffic lights and pull into a parking lot, shutting off the engine. Both my hands are still in the steering wheel, and I realise that I’m shaking. A lot.
Alex is staring at his lap, watching blood drip from his split lip onto the seat between his legs.
He isn’t looking at me, so I carefully pull the keys from the ignition and tighten my grip around them, until it bites into my palm. Pain’s supposed to help, right?
It doesn’t, of course, because if pain helped, I’d still be cutting my hips up, not taking hot showers. The only thing that calms me down is extreme temperature changes.
I yank open the door, because my anger is inflating to the point where I feel sick. I hear Alex hurriedly climb out after me, and I toss the keys at him so he’s distracted momentarily with locking the doors.
And I begin to run.
I know where we are. Down the block is a laundromat, and behind that, a forest clearing.
I sprint down the path, hitting trees as I go and leaving a bloody trail. It doesn’t help.
I don’t even know why I’m running. Maybe I’m hoping the wind will be cold enough to whip away my anger, or that the sun’ll burn me, hell, maybe I’m hoping that my rage is enough to send clouds colliding and shake out a snowstorm.
All I know is that I’m running, because last time I was this angry, it didn’t end well for the people around me.
“Jack!”
Damn, he’s a fast little fucker.
I glance over my shoulder to see a red-faced Alex chasing after me, so I increase my pace, putting my head down.
I need to get away from him.
When I look up and see a shimmering lake of water in front of me, an insane grin takes over my face.
I strip off Alex’s shirt and toss it behind me. Shoes come off. Socks.
Now I’m just a shirtless crazy person running through a forest.
I go flying over a root and land groaning on my face, but take the opportunity to slip the sweats off.
“Jack, what the hell.” Alex yells, as he trips over me and falls.
I leap up, now only in my boxers, and Alex screams at me to stop just as I throw myself into the water.
________________________________
The impact is like hitting a sheet of fucking ice.
I open my mouth to scream, and instead inhale a mouthful of mossy water.
Can’t cough underwater.
I flail. Can’t swim, too heavy.
Water is encompassing me.
I’m being dragged down.
Something is grasping my ankle.
Moss.
Can’t breathe.
Air.
Shit, need air.
Shit.
Shit.
Relax.
I relax.
Body emerges.
Turn.
Gently.
Air.
________________________________
I gasp as I break the surface of the lake, greedily drinking in oxygen. My arms are flailing around me, splashing muddy water into my eyes. I’m shaking all over, but I’m laughing at the same time.
Fuck, it’s cold!
I can’t feel my probably-broken hand anymore. Fingers are pruning.
Alex has stopped yelling.
I should probably get out now.
I swim to the edge again, mud squishing between my toes. I’m probably going to get about seven different waterborne infections now, but not gonna lie, it was worth it.
I climb out of the lake, sopping boxers clinging to me, and shake my hair like a dog, sending droplets flying everywhere.
And then something collides with me, nearly sending me back into the water.
“Whoa!” I yell, staggering backwards and reaching out my arms to steady whatever just hit me.
It was Alex, as it turns out.
“You crazy fucking bastard!” he screams.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” I say drily, urging him away from the scummy water.
He’s as white as a sheet, and shaking even more than I am. I wrap an arm around his waist, leading him back through the forest and picking up my discarded clothes as we go.
________________________________
“You’re seriously fucking weird.”
I bare my teeth at Alex, who’s stood in front of me, clutching a cup of coffee and still trembling a little.
I’m sat on the hood of his car, using his shirt to dry my hair somewhat. I put the sweats back on before we left the lining of the trees, and retrieved my hoodie from my bag once we arrived back at the car.
I’m still a little too cold for comfort, which is ironic, really, since it’s now that I feel most comfortable.
“No seriously. I’ve known you for what, three days? Already I’ve witnessed you massacre a desk, burn yourself, punch a guy in the face so hard he cried, and leap into a lake.” he continues, taking a sip of his coffee.
I chuckle drily.
“And now you’re sat on my car, half-naked, using my shirt to dry the mud out of your hair.” he finishes.
“And you’re sipping a coffee and watching me.” I comment, giving my hair a final shake and sliding off the hood.
I toss the shirt in the backseat and climb into the driver’s seat.
“Get in. I’ll take you home.”
He obliges, frowning a little.
“How’re you gonna get home though?”
I shrug.
“I’ll find a way.”
________________________________
When we reach Alex’s house, I pull into the drive and toss the keys back to Alex.
I watch thunderclouds began to haunt the sky, their bloated scream for release reminding me a lot of myself. I watch the first splatters of rainy taint the clear windshield of Alex’s car, scurrying away to make room for their brothers. I watch the sky be enraged, harsh rolls of thunder disturbing the silence and cruel sparks of lightening illuminate the darkened sky. I’m still sat in Alex’s car.
I tighten my lips, flicking the locks and getting out of the car. And I walk away, ignoring a murmur of protest from behind me.
Once I’m around the corner, I slump down in the middle of the street, watching raindrops soak my fringe and darken it in front of me. Raindrops skitter down the bridge of my nose and fall helplessly onto the tarmac, exploding into oblivion like a dying star. The cold is gnawing at my skin again, but I feel warm inside.
I have no idea how long I’ve been sat here, but my clothes are soaked.
I don’t know why the hell I’m sat in the middle of an unfamiliar, deserted street in the middle of a thunderstorm, but what the hell.
________________________________
I don’t remember when I climbed to my feet, but by the time I zone back in, I realise I’m outside Alex’s door again.
I knock, hand frozen into a claw, and the door swings open instantly.
Alex reaches for my ice-cold hand and yanks me in, slamming the door on the unforgiving rain.
“Got me worried then. Almost thought you weren’t coming back.” he laughs nervously.
I frown.
“You assumed I’d come back?”
Hell, I didn’t even know I’d come back until I knocked.
He reddens a little bit.
“Well, you don’t know where you are, and it’s raining, I figured you’d want a ride…” he trails off, staring at me helplessly, panic in his caramel eyes.
I laugh awkwardly.
We’re both stood next to the front door, and I’m dripping all over the floor.
“Um, come through then?” he suggests, waving in the direction of the lounge.
“Sure.”
I take a tentative step forward. Alex leads the way, bustling through to the kitchen, and I stand next to the couch, awkwardly clearing my throat.
He sticks his head around the door.
“I need clothes.” I say bluntly.
“Oh shit yeah, hang on…”
Alex rushes off upstairs and I start taking sodden items from my pockets, tossing them on the couch.
Cigarettes are soaked. Lighter should be fine. Phone’s fine. Wallet’s waterproof.
Why do I have a condom..?
Alex comes back downstairs and freezes, eyeing the condom.
I give him my dirtiest smile, finishing it off with a wink and watching colour blossom rapidly across his cheeks.
“Um, I, um…” he tries, sounding a little bit choked.
“Relax. Found it in my pocket.” I snort, throwing it in the mix and reaching out to him.
“Um, what’re you um, doing?”
I snap my fingers in front of him.
“Clothes, Alex. Stay with it.” I say, smirking a little bit.
He, on the other hand, looks like he’s about to cry.
“Yeah, right.”
He hands me a clean shirt and another pair of sweats.
“Cheers.”
Alex staggers back to the kitchen, hitting his leg on the couch on the way there, and I try not to crack up.
I change quickly, wandering into the kitchen.
Alex is leant over the sink, his breath catching in his throat and his arms shaking a little bit.
“Alex.” I say softly, and he turns suddenly, eyes widening.
“Alex, go upstairs and put soft clothes on. I’m going to go to the shop and buy some more cigarettes and whilst I’m gone you’re going to put on Home Alone. Then when I come back I’m going to order a huge ass pizza and we’re going to eat it all. Okay?”
I keep my voice soft, but insert a commanding edge to it. He nods, staggering forward a little.
I grab his arms gently to steady him and his breath catches again.
He’s still shaking like a bitch, so I wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly against me and burying one hand in his hair.
“Soft clothes, okay?” I murmur against his ear, and release him when I feel him nod.
“Be back in a few.” I say, grabbing my wallet, walking out and softly shutting the door.
I saw a shop on the way here, and sprint to it as fast as I can.
________________________________
I get back as quickly as possible, making sure not to slam any doors. Alex is sat on the edge of the couch when I walk in, staring at the floor.
His neck snaps up when I close the door, but visibly relaxes when he sees that it’s me.
I throw my cigarettes in the pile of my shit next to him, grabbing my cell and dialling a pizza place.
I keep the conversation short and sweet, and flick off the lights, pressing play on the movie and closing the curtains.
After that, I sit next to him on the couch and wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him back so his head rests against my chest.
To say I’m uncomfortable would be an understatement, because any kind of physical contact that’s not violent makes me want to hurl. But I keep my muscles relaxed, a soft half-smile on my face, and hum softly under my breath.
It works. The tension in his body starts to drain away, and his fingers stop drumming on my chest.
And slowly, he begins to calm.
________________________________
I realise that it may have worked a little too well when Alex falls asleep on my chest.
I wrap both arms around him, carrying him over to the other couch and gently lying him down. Since he’s passed out, there’s no chance of a ride home, meaning I have to crash here. If he’s lay on me, there’s not a chance in hell I’m falling asleep.
I clench and unclench my right hand, ignoring the scream of agony that shoots up my tendons as I do so. I need to calm down, because I can’t see through the haze of red mist that’s slowly descending over my eyes.
I take a left at the traffic lights and pull into a parking lot, shutting off the engine. Both my hands are still in the steering wheel, and I realise that I’m shaking. A lot.
Alex is staring at his lap, watching blood drip from his split lip onto the seat between his legs.
He isn’t looking at me, so I carefully pull the keys from the ignition and tighten my grip around them, until it bites into my palm. Pain’s supposed to help, right?
It doesn’t, of course, because if pain helped, I’d still be cutting my hips up, not taking hot showers. The only thing that calms me down is extreme temperature changes.
I yank open the door, because my anger is inflating to the point where I feel sick. I hear Alex hurriedly climb out after me, and I toss the keys at him so he’s distracted momentarily with locking the doors.
And I begin to run.
I know where we are. Down the block is a laundromat, and behind that, a forest clearing.
I sprint down the path, hitting trees as I go and leaving a bloody trail. It doesn’t help.
I don’t even know why I’m running. Maybe I’m hoping the wind will be cold enough to whip away my anger, or that the sun’ll burn me, hell, maybe I’m hoping that my rage is enough to send clouds colliding and shake out a snowstorm.
All I know is that I’m running, because last time I was this angry, it didn’t end well for the people around me.
“Jack!”
Damn, he’s a fast little fucker.
I glance over my shoulder to see a red-faced Alex chasing after me, so I increase my pace, putting my head down.
I need to get away from him.
When I look up and see a shimmering lake of water in front of me, an insane grin takes over my face.
I strip off Alex’s shirt and toss it behind me. Shoes come off. Socks.
Now I’m just a shirtless crazy person running through a forest.
I go flying over a root and land groaning on my face, but take the opportunity to slip the sweats off.
“Jack, what the hell.” Alex yells, as he trips over me and falls.
I leap up, now only in my boxers, and Alex screams at me to stop just as I throw myself into the water.
________________________________
The impact is like hitting a sheet of fucking ice.
I open my mouth to scream, and instead inhale a mouthful of mossy water.
Can’t cough underwater.
I flail. Can’t swim, too heavy.
Water is encompassing me.
I’m being dragged down.
Something is grasping my ankle.
Moss.
Can’t breathe.
Air.
Shit, need air.
Shit.
Shit.
Relax.
I relax.
Body emerges.
Turn.
Gently.
Air.
________________________________
I gasp as I break the surface of the lake, greedily drinking in oxygen. My arms are flailing around me, splashing muddy water into my eyes. I’m shaking all over, but I’m laughing at the same time.
Fuck, it’s cold!
I can’t feel my probably-broken hand anymore. Fingers are pruning.
Alex has stopped yelling.
I should probably get out now.
I swim to the edge again, mud squishing between my toes. I’m probably going to get about seven different waterborne infections now, but not gonna lie, it was worth it.
I climb out of the lake, sopping boxers clinging to me, and shake my hair like a dog, sending droplets flying everywhere.
And then something collides with me, nearly sending me back into the water.
“Whoa!” I yell, staggering backwards and reaching out my arms to steady whatever just hit me.
It was Alex, as it turns out.
“You crazy fucking bastard!” he screams.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” I say drily, urging him away from the scummy water.
He’s as white as a sheet, and shaking even more than I am. I wrap an arm around his waist, leading him back through the forest and picking up my discarded clothes as we go.
________________________________
“You’re seriously fucking weird.”
I bare my teeth at Alex, who’s stood in front of me, clutching a cup of coffee and still trembling a little.
I’m sat on the hood of his car, using his shirt to dry my hair somewhat. I put the sweats back on before we left the lining of the trees, and retrieved my hoodie from my bag once we arrived back at the car.
I’m still a little too cold for comfort, which is ironic, really, since it’s now that I feel most comfortable.
“No seriously. I’ve known you for what, three days? Already I’ve witnessed you massacre a desk, burn yourself, punch a guy in the face so hard he cried, and leap into a lake.” he continues, taking a sip of his coffee.
I chuckle drily.
“And now you’re sat on my car, half-naked, using my shirt to dry the mud out of your hair.” he finishes.
“And you’re sipping a coffee and watching me.” I comment, giving my hair a final shake and sliding off the hood.
I toss the shirt in the backseat and climb into the driver’s seat.
“Get in. I’ll take you home.”
He obliges, frowning a little.
“How’re you gonna get home though?”
I shrug.
“I’ll find a way.”
________________________________
When we reach Alex’s house, I pull into the drive and toss the keys back to Alex.
I watch thunderclouds began to haunt the sky, their bloated scream for release reminding me a lot of myself. I watch the first splatters of rainy taint the clear windshield of Alex’s car, scurrying away to make room for their brothers. I watch the sky be enraged, harsh rolls of thunder disturbing the silence and cruel sparks of lightening illuminate the darkened sky. I’m still sat in Alex’s car.
I tighten my lips, flicking the locks and getting out of the car. And I walk away, ignoring a murmur of protest from behind me.
Once I’m around the corner, I slump down in the middle of the street, watching raindrops soak my fringe and darken it in front of me. Raindrops skitter down the bridge of my nose and fall helplessly onto the tarmac, exploding into oblivion like a dying star. The cold is gnawing at my skin again, but I feel warm inside.
I have no idea how long I’ve been sat here, but my clothes are soaked.
I don’t know why the hell I’m sat in the middle of an unfamiliar, deserted street in the middle of a thunderstorm, but what the hell.
________________________________
I don’t remember when I climbed to my feet, but by the time I zone back in, I realise I’m outside Alex’s door again.
I knock, hand frozen into a claw, and the door swings open instantly.
Alex reaches for my ice-cold hand and yanks me in, slamming the door on the unforgiving rain.
“Got me worried then. Almost thought you weren’t coming back.” he laughs nervously.
I frown.
“You assumed I’d come back?”
Hell, I didn’t even know I’d come back until I knocked.
He reddens a little bit.
“Well, you don’t know where you are, and it’s raining, I figured you’d want a ride…” he trails off, staring at me helplessly, panic in his caramel eyes.
I laugh awkwardly.
We’re both stood next to the front door, and I’m dripping all over the floor.
“Um, come through then?” he suggests, waving in the direction of the lounge.
“Sure.”
I take a tentative step forward. Alex leads the way, bustling through to the kitchen, and I stand next to the couch, awkwardly clearing my throat.
He sticks his head around the door.
“I need clothes.” I say bluntly.
“Oh shit yeah, hang on…”
Alex rushes off upstairs and I start taking sodden items from my pockets, tossing them on the couch.
Cigarettes are soaked. Lighter should be fine. Phone’s fine. Wallet’s waterproof.
Why do I have a condom..?
Alex comes back downstairs and freezes, eyeing the condom.
I give him my dirtiest smile, finishing it off with a wink and watching colour blossom rapidly across his cheeks.
“Um, I, um…” he tries, sounding a little bit choked.
“Relax. Found it in my pocket.” I snort, throwing it in the mix and reaching out to him.
“Um, what’re you um, doing?”
I snap my fingers in front of him.
“Clothes, Alex. Stay with it.” I say, smirking a little bit.
He, on the other hand, looks like he’s about to cry.
“Yeah, right.”
He hands me a clean shirt and another pair of sweats.
“Cheers.”
Alex staggers back to the kitchen, hitting his leg on the couch on the way there, and I try not to crack up.
I change quickly, wandering into the kitchen.
Alex is leant over the sink, his breath catching in his throat and his arms shaking a little bit.
“Alex.” I say softly, and he turns suddenly, eyes widening.
“Alex, go upstairs and put soft clothes on. I’m going to go to the shop and buy some more cigarettes and whilst I’m gone you’re going to put on Home Alone. Then when I come back I’m going to order a huge ass pizza and we’re going to eat it all. Okay?”
I keep my voice soft, but insert a commanding edge to it. He nods, staggering forward a little.
I grab his arms gently to steady him and his breath catches again.
He’s still shaking like a bitch, so I wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly against me and burying one hand in his hair.
“Soft clothes, okay?” I murmur against his ear, and release him when I feel him nod.
“Be back in a few.” I say, grabbing my wallet, walking out and softly shutting the door.
I saw a shop on the way here, and sprint to it as fast as I can.
________________________________
I get back as quickly as possible, making sure not to slam any doors. Alex is sat on the edge of the couch when I walk in, staring at the floor.
His neck snaps up when I close the door, but visibly relaxes when he sees that it’s me.
I throw my cigarettes in the pile of my shit next to him, grabbing my cell and dialling a pizza place.
I keep the conversation short and sweet, and flick off the lights, pressing play on the movie and closing the curtains.
After that, I sit next to him on the couch and wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him back so his head rests against my chest.
To say I’m uncomfortable would be an understatement, because any kind of physical contact that’s not violent makes me want to hurl. But I keep my muscles relaxed, a soft half-smile on my face, and hum softly under my breath.
It works. The tension in his body starts to drain away, and his fingers stop drumming on my chest.
And slowly, he begins to calm.
________________________________
I realise that it may have worked a little too well when Alex falls asleep on my chest.
I wrap both arms around him, carrying him over to the other couch and gently lying him down. Since he’s passed out, there’s no chance of a ride home, meaning I have to crash here. If he’s lay on me, there’s not a chance in hell I’m falling asleep.