I'm Just a Puppet and She's Holding the Strings

No way.

Absolutely no effing way.

The whole room was in silence.

The atmosphere was tense because nobody knew what anyone else was thinking.

Sebastien and I were staring at each other, only breaking the stare to blink.

I'd just admitted, to him and his friends, how I'd felt about him back then.

I'd also just admitted, to him and his friends, that he was my first kiss.

At the time, Sebastien didn't know that...

But that's all changed now...

I took a shaky, petrified breath, completely stunned.

I didn't know what to say. There didn't seem anything to say.

But David seemed to have that covered.

"Well... This is awkward..." He spoke slowly.

"Okay..." Pierre began, "Let me get this straight. You two met each other on holiday eight years ago?"

"Yeah," Sebastien and I nodded, only looking at Pierre for a brief second before our eyes locked again.

"And you had a fling?"

"Yeah,"

"And you kissed?"

"Yup," Sebastien agreed.

"Mhm..." I sighed, pressing my lips together.

"And it was your first kiss?" This was directed at me.

I gulped and my stomach twisted into tight, multiple knots making me feel totally sick.

"Yeah," I admitted.

"Right..." He nodded, "Was she yours?" Pierre turned to Sebastien.

Sebastien tore his eyes away from mine and my gaze fell to my fingers which were entwined with each other in my lap.

"My what?" Sebastien asked.

"Your first kiss," He replied.

I looked up at this point and saw him shake his head.

"No, she wasn't,"

My eyes fell back to my lap.

This is so bad. It's awkward and crap and bloody stupid.

I cleared my throat as I placed the cutlery on the table in the right position before I wandered into the kitchen, grabbing my jacket.

"I think I'm gonna take off," I said as I put on my jacket and walked back into the room.

Sebastien looked up at me and bit down on his lip.

"Why?" Pierre frowned.

"Because everything's done now so you guys don't need me anymore," I shrugged as I pulled out the hair that was caught in my jacket.

"You can't just leave now," David added.

"Why not?" I folded my arms.

"Why do you think?" He spoke as though it was obvious.

And it was obvious. But that didn't mean I had to admit it.

"I don't think that there's any reason for me to stay when all the work is done," I spoke. And it was true. I didn't feel like there was anything for me to stay here for unless it was to be completely awkward and embarrassed.

I didn't want that.

There was a highly uncomfortable silence before I sighed.

"I'll see you all soon," I announced, grabbing my bag and putting it over my shoulder as I headed for the door.

As my foot hit the floor of the hall I was stopped.

"Rachel?" Sebastien's voice called after me.

I stopped in my tracks and squeezed my eyes and lips together before I slowly turned to face him.

"Yeah?"

"Um... Thank you for today, you helped me out a lot,"

I smiled slightly, "The guys did most of the work,"

"But we couldn't have done it without you," He reassured.

I shrugged, "It was nothing, I'll see ya," I waved briefly and turned around again.

"Do you have to go?" Sebastien's voice came again.

I looked over my shoulder and nodded, "Yeah,"

"Oh..." He coughed slightly, "Well... I'll see you soon then,"

"See you around," I greeted vaguely.

I wasn't intending to see him soon.

I wasn't even intending to see him around.

I was hoping that I wouldn't have to face this awkward situation.

Ever.

I heard a chorus of 'byes' as I left the room and then left the house.

I got into my car and took my bag off my shoulder.

I rubbed my hands over my face before I launched my bag at the floor in frustration.

"Of all the people I had to fancy and had to meet up with again it just had to be him..." I sighed, "And he had to be engaged,"

I let my head fall onto the steering wheel and hit it repeatedly.

"Why did it have to be the one I fell hardest for?" I groaned.

I pulled my head from the wheel and turned to grab my seatbelt.

As I did so I heard the passenger door open so my head snapped to the opposite side. I plugged in my seatbelt and sighed.

The door closed again and I gripped the steering wheel as Pierre looked at me.

"What's up?" I asked.

He stared at me and shook his head.

"Please stop staring at me," I spoke finally after a few seconds.

"You two really need to talk," He announced.

"No we don't," I shook my head.

"What do you mean you don't? You really, really do. For God's sake, you guys had a 'thing' eight years ago and then you meet up again and you think that you don't have anything to talk about?"

"Exactly Pierre, it was eight years ago, it's in the past, I'm just helping out someone who asked for my help and now we can go back to wondering whether we're going to bump into each other again and nothing more than that," I shrugged.

"Oh come off it," He scoffed, "He's not gonna let this go you know,"

"What's to let go of?" I frowned.

"You," He replied.

"He barely knows me, I don't think that that is going to bother him,"

"Really? You think so?"

"Yeah I do,"

"So then can you explain to me why he's got a big face on in there?"

"Probably because he's just realised how awkward this situation is and he's trying to figure out how he can avoid me but he's getting depressed because he thinks that I'm going to want to see him again,"

"Or maybe you're wrong,"

I let out a frustrated laugh and rubbed my eyes.

"Maybe it's because he's enjoyed your company these past few days, he appreciates your help and he remembers when he met you eight years ago,"

"If he remembers what happened back then it'd be awkward for him too,"

"He obviously remembers what happened, he was even finishing off your damn story in there!" He exclaimed, "And even if he didn't, you've blatantly just reminded him so he does now,"

I stayed silent and shook my head.

"Come on Rachel, you both know that you need to talk to each other,"

"Oh yeah, that conversation is gonna go down real well, 'Hey Sebastien', 'Hey Rachel', 'You remember our fling eight years ago on holiday?', 'Yeah I do', 'Well, you were my first kiss and you never wrote back to any of my letters or anything whenever I tried to contact you, what was that about?', 'Well, when I left I realised that I didn't really like you and I thought I'd never see you again but here we are and I'm getting married so I don't want you anymore', 'Great, thanks for clearing that up, I'll just go jump off a bridge',"

"Okay, firstly, that was the worst Sebastien impression ever," He chuckled slightly, "And, secondly, you don't know what he's thinking. For all you know he could be thinking the complete opposite!"

"Yeah, but you don't know what he's thinking either, he could be thinking what I just said!"

"Oh my God, you're so stubborn," He growled slightly and ran a hand through his hair.

I shrugged and stuck the keys in the ignition.

"Just answer me this," He began, "Did you both feel something for each other?"

I looked at him blankly and sighed.

"What do you think?"

"Then maybe you need to think about that," He raised his eyebrows at me, "Feelings dont just go away,"

"They do after eight years,"

"Well then if you can honestly say to yourself now that you don't feel anything, and I mean anything at all, for Sebastien then it's safe to assume that he feels the same way," He said wisely, "But if you can't... Well, then you know that you need to talk,"

He opened the car door and sighed, "I guess I'll see you around,"

"See ya," I waved slightly and started the car as he closed the door.

I huffed and pulled out of Sebastien's driveway before heading home.

My mind wouldn't let go of the thought of Sebastien and everything that just happened.

I'd pictured this whole scenario before, wondering what he'd look like eight years later, if he would remember me, if he would still think about what happened between us... But somehow, I never thought it would be this way.

I'd thought of all the possibilities of him being taken, engaged, married and even a father but I never thought I'd be the one helping him when him and his girl had an argument. I especially didn't see me helping him set up a romantic night for her.

This sucks.

And to top it all off, I have my first day at my new job tomorrow.

I think this is 'kick Rachel up the arse' week.

I pulled up to my house and locked up the car before heading into the house and falling onto the couch.

I looked at the clock and saw it was seven pm.

Mia's in work.

I think she needs an update.

I hauled myself up from the couch and went into the kitchen, grabbing a drink and something quick to eat.

I satisfied my hunger and headed back out of the door, locking up after me.

It wasn't long before I was sat at the bar with my face in my arms waiting for Mia to finish serving her customers.

"Okay, so what's up with your face tonight?" Mia's 'comforting' voice asked.

I removed my face from my arms and looked up at her.

"Do you remember when we were younger and we were exchanging stories about our first kisses and stuff?" I began.

"Yeah," She said slowly.

"Well... Remember the way I couldn't remember his name?"

"Yeah which I thought was quite amusing to be honest,"

"Yeah, well I remembered his name," I sighed.

"Oh yeah? What was it?"

I bit my lip and caught her eyes, "Sebastien,"

"Oh that's quite strange 'cause you just-" She cut herself off as she realised and went silent.

She searched my face for any sign of deceit.

"You mean..."

"Mhm," I nodded slowly.

"Shut. Up." She squealed, "How? What? Why?"

"Huh?"

"What happened? How did you realise?"

"Well you know the way I was helping him set up a romantic thing for Beth?"

"Oh God yeah, he's getting married,"

Yeah, now she remembers.

"Yeah, anyways, it was about an hour ago and the guys asked me where I got the whole idea from and if someone had ever done something like that for me and we got onto the subject of the person who would've done,"

"Sebastien," Mia added in, letting me know that she knew what I was talking about.

"Exactly, and I was telling them the story and I was explaining to them how I kept hurting him all the time. Then, as I was telling them, Sebastien kept adding in to the conversation and then he added in something that made us all stop and say 'how did you know that' and then he pulled up his sleeve and showed us scars on his arm from when I'd scratched him trying to regain my balance. Then I was like 'it was you' and then he just said 'it was me',"

"Bloody hell, that's insane,"

"Tell me about it,"

"So what'd you say? What happened afterwards?"

"Nothing much really... I left,"

"You left?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I wasn't about to stay there and be humiliated by an awkward situation like that,"

"But you can't just leave when something like that happens,"

"There was nothing else for me to do. There was nothing to say,"

"There was more than enough to say!" She exclaimed in slight shock.

"Like what?"

"Like talking about what happened between you,"

"Oh my Gosh, yeah, why didn't I think of that?!" I clicked my fingers and rolled my eyes sarcastically, "He's getting married for Christ's sake, I highly doubt that he's gonna wanna talk about something that happened between us eight years ago, that'd be the most awkward conversation ever,"

"Well what about the general things like 'how have you been' and 'what have you been up to'?"

"I already know how he's been and what he's been up to, I met him as if he were a stranger a week ago,"

"You know him in a completely different way now, it's like me moving away from Zach and then bumping into him in ten years, we'd have so much to catch up on,"

"That's completely different!"

"How do you figure that one out?"

"Well first of all, you and Zach have a proper relationship whereas Sebastien and I only had a week's fling. Second of all, you'd still be in love with Zach and he'd still be in love with you so neither of you would be getting married. And third of all, Zach wasn't your first kiss and you didn't damage pretty much every part of his body when you were with him!"

"Okay, well, though you make some valid points," She didn't really think that, I could tell, "A fling is still a relationship that is still as meaningful. A first kiss just makes it all the more special and body damage means nothing,"

"Mia-"

"And," She stressed as she interrupted me, "You still like him,"

My expression was blank as I stared at her, "No I don't,"

"Psh," She scoffed.

"Don't 'psh' me!" I pointed an accusing finger at her and she slapped it back down again.

"I've known you for almost seven years now Rachel, I know when you like someone and you fancy the pants off him,"

"I really don't,"

"For Christ's sake Rach, I know you inside out, back to front, upside down and side to side, and right now I know that you're in denial. It would be so much easier if you'd just admit that you like him,"

"But I don't like him,"

"Well then... If you can honestly say to yourself, without any form of doubt, that you don't like him anymore I think it's safe to say that Sebastien doesn't like you either, but that's your call," She shrugged.

She hates it when I go against her when she says she knows everything about me.

"My God you sound like Pierre," I groaned as I let my head fall back into my arms.

"The man has some wisdom," She smiled slightly at me before she went off to serve a customer.

I suddenly felt vibration in my pocket so I shoved my hand in it and pulled my phone out.

I looked at the caller ID and frowned.

"Speak of the devil and he shall have your number even though you didn't give it to him..."

I pressed the 'accept' button and put the phone to my ear.

"Speak of the devil," I sighed.

"You talking about me are you?" I could hear a smile in Pierre's voice.

"Maybe," I chuckled a little, "How exactly did you get my number?"

"I'm not too sure you know... I was just looking through my contacts and saw your name. I vaguely remember something about you and a sunroof but apart from that I'm stumped,"

"It must've been when you made me get wasted the other day,"

"I did not make you, I persuaded you and you did it of your own free will thank you very much,"

"Sure," I laughed, "Anyways, what did you call me for?"

"I was just calling this number to see if it was you or I just had some random chick's number in my phone,"

"Well I am some random chick, but yeah it's me," I replied as Mia looked over at me.

'Who's that?' she mouthed.

'Pierre' I mouthed back.

"Oh right, awesome," Pierre said, "Um... Have you seen Sebastien by any chance?" He spoke cautiously.

"Sebastien? No, not since an hour ago, why?"

"He kind of... Um... Disappeared,"

"What do you mean he 'disappeared'?"

"He left and didn't tell us where he was going. We tried calling him and he's not picking up so I thought I'd try you,"

"That's weird," I frowned.

"Yeah I know, he better had be back in time for Beth's thing 'cause we worked our arses off for that,"

"He will be,"

"I'll personally hunt him down and kick his arse if he's not,"

I heard Pierre laugh and my eyes caught with Mia's as she attempted to get my attention by waving her hand in front of my face.

I moved her hand out of my way and she did it again.

"Hold on a second Pierre,"

"Okay,"

"What?" I hissed at Mia with raised eyebrows and I covered the part of my phone that I spoke into.

She gestured for me to turn around so I swivelled around on my stool before my breath caught in my throat and my stomach wrapped around itself in nervous knots.

"Pierre," I began shakily into the phone.

"Yeah?"

"I think I've solved the mystery of the missing Sebastien,"

"He's there with you?" Pierre questioned.

"Standing right in front of me," My voice had heightened in pitch somewhat, "You wanna speak to him?"

"No, no, it's okay, you two have a lot to talk about, I'll speak to you soon, bye," He spoke rapidly.

"No, Pierre-" I was cut off by the dial tone, "You bastard," I cursed as I hung up the phone and put it back in my pocket.

I looked up to Sebastien as my fingers laced and twiddled nervously.

"Hey," He smiled slightly.

"Hi,"

"Can I talk to you please?"

"About what?" Yeah, play dumb Rachel, what a fabulous idea... Not.

"I think you know,"

"You think we have something to talk about?"

He nodded sternly, "I think we have a lot to talk about,"

I looked back at a retreating Mia who had a smug smile on her face but a look in her eyes that was telling me to talk to him.

I sighed dejectedly, "Go sit down, I'll be over in a second,"

"Okay," He nodded slightly and slowly walked off to a table.

I speedily spun around and looked over at Mia.

"What do I do?!" I said in a hushed tone to Mia. I felt my palms begin to sweat and my stomach begin to churn.

I was going to throw up.

"Oh my good God, what do I do?" I was so nervous I was on the verge of tears, "Mia, help, I'm going to die!"

I'm quite the dramatist in situations like this.

She grabbed my hands and kept them from shaking.

"First, you need to calm the fuck down," She emphasised, "Take a deep breath and stop shaking," She said slowly, "Breathe you fucking nut-job!"

I inhaled sharply and let it out.

"Okay, now keep doing that, calm yourself down and go talk to him,"

"What?! I can't go... Go... Talk to him!"

"Yes you can you idiot. You have to; you told him that you're going to talk to him so you can't exactly make a run for it,"

"But what if I die?!"

She rolled her eyes, "That's a risk you're gonna have to take if you don't want to seem like a complete bitch,"

"But... Mia... I can't," I breathed unsteadily as I cast a glance over to Sebastien who saw me and raised his hand in a small wave.

I smiled slightly and looked back over to Mia.

"Yes you can," Mia nodded and squeezed my hands reassuringly, "Trust me love you can talk to him. I know it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable-"

"Yeah, you're really helping here," I rolled my eyes.

"But," She shot me a glare, "You'll feel better for doing it. So get your butt over there and talk to him, after leaving this afternoon it's the least you can do,"

I took a deep breath and let go of her hands, "To be honest, it's better than risking getting stuck into the bathroom window again,"

"Exactly," She grinned but it fell into confusion, "What do you mean 'again'? Have you done it before?"

My eyes widened and I got up from the stool, "Sorry Mia, I have to go speak to Sebastien,"

"I'll get you later on that one missy," She chuckled before she tended to wiping down the bar.

My feet was reluctant to make the steps towards Sebastien and the table he was sitting at.

I checked my watch and saw that it was 6.55pm.

If I was right in guessing, he only had a short while because he didn't look like he was ready to have a romantic date.

I gulped as I reached the table and took a seat across from him, clasping my hands together to try to comfort myself and calm down.

"Hey," He smiled.

Usually, his smile would relax me somewhat but right now it was making it worse.

"Hi," My voice was quiet and sounded like it was about to crack.

"You alright?"

"I guess so, you?"

"I'm not sure,"

I looked up so my darkish blue locked onto his pale blue.

"What's up?" I asked, "I mean..." I paused, "That was a stupid question, I obviously know what's up,"

He let out a small chuckle and then we fell into silence.

"I'm sorry for leaving before," I apologised after a while.

"Don't worry about it, I would've done the same if it wasn't my house,"

This made me smile- Genuinely.

"It was an uncomfortable situation," He added.

"Tell me about it," I sighed, resting my cheek on my palm.

"At least we know why we look familiar to each other now," He tried to help but I shot him down.

"I'm not exactly sure whether that's a good thing or not," I replied.

His eyes fell to the table.

I'm not buying that he's upset.

"What do you want to talk about?" I said hesitantly, trying to get his attention.

"I... Um... I'm not really sure. I just think that we need to talk,"

"Has Pierre talked you into this or something?" I frowned.

"No, no..." He shook his head, "Chuck did..."

I let an airy laugh come from my nose, "Pierre was trying to convince me to talk to you but I had no idea what to say... It's not like there really is anything to say,"

"That's what I was saying but he was telling me to ask you how you've been and what you've been up to, and I was like 'I already know that, I've known her for a week before I've known about this',"

"That's what Mia was saying to me! I said what you said to Chuck and then she was saying 'oh you know him in a totally different way now', just because I know you in a different way doesn't mean that how you've been and what you've been up to are going to change,"

"Exactly!" He agreed, "People are weird sometimes,"

I laughed, "I know,"

"People mainly being my friends,"

"Mine too... They just have a completely different outlook on everything,"

"Sometimes I wonder what goes on inside their heads,"

"I know what you mean,"

We smiled at each other and then the knots loosened in my stomach, only to be replaced by a small flock of butterflies.

"If I'm being completely honest, I was bricking it about coming to speak to you," He admitted as I saw his cheeks become slightly pink-tinted.

"You have no idea how much I was scared of facing you," I spoke back, "I was seriously considering climbing out the bathroom window," I said seriously.

He laughed, "No way,"

"Really," I reassured, "But I got stuck last time so I thought facing you was better than facing the fire brigade again and having to explain why my legs and arse were hanging out the side of the building for the second time,"

Sebastien's grin was huge as he fell into hysterics at what I think was an image of me stuck in a window.

"Why were you climbing out of the window in the first place?" He chuckled.

"Um... I had a guy in here that was hitting on me and saying that he'd take me home when I got off my shift and he was really scary so just before we left I said I had to go to the bathroom... Then I got stuck,"

"Who found you?"

"The guy..." I rolled my eyes.

He burst into hysterics again.

"No, right, see I was trying to call someone but I dropped my bag when I was trying to get my phone to call Ray. There wasn't even anyone left in the place that would've come in and seen me, it wasn't until the guy had given up and walked out and recognised my pants. It was lucky he walked that way to get home otherwise I would've been stuck until morning,"

He was laughing even more.

"Didn't really help when it started pissing down with rain before the fire-men came to take the window off so they could get me out,"

He clapped his hands and then held his stomach, "Oh God, stop it, it's hurting,"

His laughing made me giggle and grin insanely.

At that moment, I thought about how it had been exactly the same with him eight years ago in Greece. How we had our awkward bit and then it was back like nothing happened.

It was great to know that nothing had changed. But at the same time it wasn't great because if nothing had changed then I knew that some part of me was going to start liking him again and that really wasn't good.

After a few minutes he calmed down, only letting out the odd chuckle every now and again.

"Oh God, you're a funny woman," He breathed, wiping his eyes.

"Thanks," I grinned.

"Sorry to bring it up again but this really reminds me of how we were back then,"

I let a small smile appear, "Don't apologise, I was just thinking the same thing,"

"It's like when something awkward happened back then we'd just get over it really quickly and go back to normal as though it hadn't really happened,"

"Bloody hell it's like you're reading my mind, I was just thinking exactly that," I spoke breathlessly, "Like when we were sitting on the beach and I told you I liked you then we just spent our last night together as if it were normal,"

He nodded and went silent.

"Oh... Sorry, did I say too much?" I frowned, trying to catch his eyes again.

He looked up and shook his head, a small smile on his face, "No, you haven't, don't worry,"

I let out a sigh of relief and ran a hand through my hair.

My eyes soon shot to my hand when I felt him take it in his.

"Listen Rach..." He paused for a second and looked at our clasped hands, "I'm not making you uncomfortable am I?"

I shook my head rapidly, "No, carry on with what you were saying,"

"Okay," He nodded, "Listen, I don't want things to get weird between us. I really like spending time with you, I don't see a reason why we can't be friends," My heart hurt. How stupid.

I nodded in agreement even though I was disappointed.

I don't know why I was disappointed, it's not as if I expected him to confess his undying love for me and we'd live happily ever after. I think it was just the thought that I knew it would never happen that hurt.

I'd imagined it before, but this time it was real and this time, the rejection was real.

"I think we get on really well, and you get on well with my friends, and I think I get on well with Mia. And it's always good to have another friend, right? I'm sure it won't hurt Beth to have another friend too,"

That's it, go right ahead and rub my face in your happy relationship while I sit here with nothing.

I nodded again, "Yeah,"

"I'd love it if we wouldn't let this get in the way of our friendship 'cause I think that we have a good time together,"

I smiled, "Yeah, I agree, I won't make it weird,"

"Neither will I," He shot me a grin and then let go of my hand to check his watch, "I best get going, I still have a birthday dinner to get ready for,"

I nodded and got up as he did.

"Tell Beth I said Happy Birthday," I said.

"I will," He agreed, "And thanks again for everything you did today, I really appreciate it,"

"You're welcome," I grinned.

"I'll see you soon then?"

I smiled slightly and reiterated his words, "If I'm lucky enough,"

He let out a small laugh and held out his arms.

I wrapped my arms around his middle and he squeezed me tight for a second before letting go.

"See you later, friend," He greeted as he pulled away.

"See ya buddy," I chuckled.

We both parted, me heading for the bar and him heading for the door, but not without looking back and smiling once.

I took a seat at the bar and Mia quickly finished up with a customer before she slid over to me.

"So?" Her eyebrows rose and she smiled hopefully, "How'd it go?"

I smiled and nodded, "It went well,"

"Do you mean well as in 'oh it was awkward but better than I thought it would be' or well as in 'it went great and now we're friends'?"

"The second one," I replied.

She grinned at me and clapped happily, "See I told you!"

"Yeah I know," I nodded.

"Now you know to listen to me!"

I laughed, "Yeah, if you say so,"

_Sebastien's P.O.V_

Is it wrong for me to admit that the hug off Rachel was one of the best I'd ever had?

Yeah it probably is isn't it?

That can't be good.

It frightened me that it was always like it was when I was seventeen with Rachel.

Because if everything was like it was when I was seventeen, there was a high chance that I would end up developing feelings like I felt back then.

And that really isn't good.

I rubbed my hands over my face in frustration before I started the engine and headed home.

Whatever happens between me and Rachel, not that anything will, it's not going to change the way I feel about Beth and it's not gonna affect the choice I made to marry her.

I know in my gut that I'm meant to be with Beth.

But then again... Shouldn't I know that in my heart too?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't wanna fight, don't wanna be afraid
I'm falling straight into you
Are everything that I need right now
I have fallen for you
Turn off the lights 'cause you're killing me
Can't take the eyes that you're giving me
We've hurt each other before
Can't take the pain anymore
Turn out the lights 'cause I wanna hide
I gotta know you are by my side
Don't wanna lose you now
When we're so good together

Matt Willis- Falling Into You
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------