I'm Just a Puppet and She's Holding the Strings

My grip on Pierre's wrist tightened.

"What?" He frowned at me.

"What do you mean 'what'?" I snapped, "My door is wide open! Someone is in my house!"

"Are you kidding?"

"Am I kidding?! You think I'd joke about this?!" I threw open the car door and got out.

As I went to head for the door I heard the car door slam and felt arms wrap around my waist, lifting me up and carrying my back to the car.

He threw me inside and ran around the other side quicker than I could get out again.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" He snapped, locking the doors, "You can't go in there, whoever's been inside might still be in there! They might hurt you!"

"Well what do you suppose we do?"

"I 'suppose' we call the police and wait for them to get here so they can check it out,"

I looked at my home with fear and nodded, "Yeah, yeah you're right, I'm sorry,"

He placed his hand on mine in comfort as he dialled on his phone with his spare hand, "It'll be okay babe, I promise,"

I clutched onto Pierre's hand desperately as we watched for the police.

It took them about ten minutes to arrive and we stayed in the car as we watched the officers cautiously go into the house with their guns drawn.

"Pierre," I tightened my grip and he leaned over to me, holding me in his arms.

"It's alright Rach, it's gonna be okay," He reassured in a not-so-convincing tone.

I gulped and cuddled into him, my eyes still glued to my front door in wait for the police officers to return.

Pierre kissed my head gently and trailed his thumb over my hand.

"You're gonna spend the night at my place tonight, okay?"

I nodded, "Thanks,"

"You don't need to thank me,"

I inhaled sharply as I saw the policemen come out of the house.

"Come on," Pierre whispered, releasing me from his grip and getting out of the car.

I followed suit and closed the car door as the officers caught up to me.

"Do you both live here?" The man asked.

I shook my head, "No, just me,"

"Well, there's no-one in there now, we've checked through thoroughly. There're no signs of a targeted break in so it was just a random choice of house. There was definitely forced entry and the place is completely trashed. If you had a TV, that's gone. It seems like all electrical equipment has gone and everything that they didn't think was worth taking has been thrown about,"

I pressed my lips together and tried not to cry.

"Can I go in and look?" I questioned meekly.

"Um... I suppose so but try not to touch anything. Sergeant Thomas will go with you while I get a few more officers down here to check things over,"

I nodded, "Thank you,"

He smiled sympathetically and I took Pierre's hand, leading him towards the house with Sergeant Thomas following.

I held in a gasp as I saw the hallway trashed, tables thrown about.

My stomach churned as I realised something...

"Oh no..." I breathed, releasing Pierre's hand and darting up the stairs.

"Rachel!" Pierre called after me.

I ignored him and shot into my bedroom, breathing deeply when I saw my bed thrown over.

"No, no, no, no, no," I mumbled, my hand covering my mouth as I saw my small tin with the lid open lying far away from where I hid it, "NO!" I yelled, sliding over on my knees and lifting the tin.

I stuffed my hand into the tin, hoping I was imagining it.

"No," I whimpered in devastation, letting the tin drop from my hand.

"Rachel?" Pierre came into the room and knelt down beside me.

"It's gone," I whispered.

"What's gone?"

"My savings,"

"Savings?"

"I had about eight-hundred stashed away in that tin,"

"Why didn't you put it in an account?"

"Because I'm fucking stupid that's why!" I grabbed the tin and threw it forcefully at the wall.

Pierre grabbed my hands and held me tight, "Rach, come on now sweetheart, it's okay,"

"It's not bloody okay! I have nothing left!"

Gently rocking me backwards in forth to calm me down, he whispered reassurance into my ear and ran his hands over my hair as I clutched onto his shirt, tears leaking from my eyes.

He waited for a few minutes and then pulled me up onto my feet.

"Have they torn my clothes?" I asked with a bit of a sob.

He went over and opened my wardrobe, rummaging through the bundles of clothes.

"No, they're all intact, just a bit creased," He smiled sadly.

I nodded and turned to the policeman, "Can I take some clothes and a bag with me?"

He looked thoughtful for a second, "I think that'll be okay,"

I smiled slightly at him and Pierre grabbed as many clothes he could hold in his arms as I pulled a bag from the cupboard and opened it up from him to dump my stuff in.

I grabbed some other stuff from my drawers and stuffed it into the bag before zipping it up.

Pierre took the bag from me and grasped my hand in his, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze.

"We're going to need you to answer a few questions before you go," Sergeant Thomas added.

I sighed and nodded briefly.

This was going to be a long night...

3am

Five minutes after arriving at Pierre's house I was sitting on the couch, staring at the floor blankly.

I snapped out of my trance and jumped violently as Pierre stepped into the front room, making the floor creak.

He smiled in a weak attempt to comfort me before handing me a glass of water.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Are you okay?" He asked, sitting down beside me.

I shook my head, "No not really,"

He sighed and ran a hand over my hair as I gulped down my water.

"You've had a rough night sweetheart; you should get some rest,"

I cast a glance up to him.

He took the water from my hands and placed it on the table before grabbing my hand and leading me up the stairs.

He picked up my bag as we walked past it in the hallway before we finally ended up in his room.

Cautiously handing me my bag and telling me he was going to get changed, he left the room.

I changed into my pyjamas and placed my bag on the floor.

Pierre soon came back and gave me a hug.

"Come on," He mumbled.

We got into bed and he held me tight.

I cuddled into his chest and rested my head on his arm.

"Goodnight Rach,"

"Pierre," I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Please don't fall asleep before I do,"

He chuckled slightly, "I won't,"

"Thank you,"

"You don't have to thank me,"

10am

I woke up the next morning still clutching Pierre tight, barely giving any breathing space between us.

One of his hands was loosely laid on my waist and the other was above my head.

I took a quiet, deep breath and lifted his hand from my waist, carefully sliding out of bed.

After covering him back over with the quilt, he seemed to get a lot more comfortable as he spread out across the bed.

Thinking I should repay him for letting me stay the night, I decided to make him breakfast.

I crept out of the room and down the stairs into the kitchen.

It took me a while to find some form of breakfast with instructions on how to make an amazing meal without having to use too many pans that I could possibly set on fire.

I was really trying to take my mind off the previous night's events (except for the obvious event that I was never going to forget).

I was smiling a little because my cooking seemed to be going well, so when the doorbell rang I answered it with a little brightness in my cheeks.

And then a very large smile stretched across my face when blue eyes caught mine.

"Hey," I smiled.

"Hey," Sebastien frowned in confusion but smiled all the same, "Is Pierre here?"

"Um... Yeah but he's sleeping at the moment, I'm just making him breakfast. Do you want me to give him a message? I'm not sure when he's going to wake up," I suggested.

"No, no message, it's alright," He coughed awkwardly, "I was actually going to come to see you after I'd seen Pierre," He bit down on his lip slightly as he stepped inside.

"Okay," I nodded, "What do you want to see me about?"

He sighed, "We need to talk,"

My smile, stomach and heart sank rapidly.

Nothing good ever comes from those words.

"It's about last night,"

Nothing good ever come from those words either.

I closed the front door over and folded my arms across my chest, "Okay," I cleared my throat nervously.

"Do you want to sit down and talk about it?" He evaded the point.

"No, I'll stand here," I became slightly aggravated because I knew what was coming.

"Um... Okay," He nodded weakly, "You haven't told anyone what happened have you?"

I shook my head, "No,"

"Listen-"

"You regret it don't you?" I raised my eyebrows at him.

I'd rather have him agree with what I say so I can prepare myself than have him throw me some heartbreaking speech about how he 'can't do that to Beth'.

Christ, I already knew it.

"Regret what?" He frowned.

"Regret kissing me," I replied.

"I never said that,"

"Well you're thinking it," I huffed.

He furrowed his eyebrows at me in distaste, "I'm not thinking it either,"

"Don't lie to me,"

"I'm not lying! I don't regret it!"

"But?" I waited expectantly.

He gnawed on the inside of his cheek before he sighed in defeat, "But I never meant for it to happen,"

I tutted and scratched my head, "So you do regret it,"

"Will you stop telling me what I think?"

"You must be thinking it for me to be able to tell you," I shot back.

"That's bullshit," He spat.

I shot him a glare.

Why do I always start arguments like this?

"If you never meant for it to happen then it means that you never wanted to do it in the first place so therefore, you regret it,"

"Could you not even let me explain myself so I know what I'm telling you?!" He was irritated. Obviously.

"What's to explain?" I shrugged, "You kissed me, you wish you didn't- End of story,"

He shook his head, "Fine, if you're going to be like this about it then yeah, I do regret it. I wish I'd never kissed you. I can't risk destroying Beth and my future just for you,"

I pulled an offended face, "Just for me? If you came here to just blow me off and let me down gently then you're failing miserably,"

"Why are you being like this? I'm getting married in six days; you can hardly have thought that something was going to happen between us!"

"Something did happen between us!"

"Nothing happened between us," He growled.

"Why are you denying it?!"

"Denying what? Nothing happened, nothing will happen- There's nothing between us,"

"So you're saying I mean nothing to you, is that it?" I laughed dryly.

"Maybe I am!" He yelled but I could see in his eyes that he instantly regretted it.

"Fine," I huffed, "Then if I mean nothing to you then you won't care if I never speak to you again,"

"What?" He frowned, "No," His voice was in a pained whisper.

"Sebastien," I began, "I can't be friends with you if I know that nothing is ever going to happen between us, I know that now," I shrugged, "It's too hard, I mean nothing to you so there we go- Game over,"

"Game over? What game? This was never a game!"

"It was never a game because I kept losing!" I cried, "I can't take that anymore. I just... I can't watch you carry on with your perfect life when I wish that I was in it. I'd rather not watch that so I can carry on living without regretting that I never did anything about how I feel for you,"

He gulped, "What are you saying?"

"I think I'm saying that after today I want nothing to do with you,"

His face fell, "Why?"

"I just told you why," I responded, "I shouldn't hold onto something that I have to let go of, so now we don't have to see each other again,"

He stared at me, he honestly seemed upset.

I pulled the front door open and leaned against the edge of it, "Starting from the moment I close the door,"

"Rachel, I never meant it like that,"

"It's for the best Seb,"

"This is not for the best in any way!"

"It's for the best for me!"

"Well what about me?!"

"You have everything you want," I shrugged, "And I'm not included in that everything,"

"No," He shook his head, "No you're not,"

I had to use all of my strength to stop myself from crying.

"Tell Pierre I came round," He spoke emotionlessly before he walked out of the door.

I watched him walk to his car without turning around and drive off without looking back.

I closed the front door and sighed.

"What's burning?" Pierre questioned with a crinkled expression as he stepped down the stairs.

I gasped and ran into the kitchen, cursing to myself as I saw black smoke coming from the grill.

I pulled the pan out from under the grill, yelping a little when I burnt my wrist on the edge of the metal.

"For fuck's sake!" I huffed loudly, throwing the pan, and the now burnt food, onto the counter which make a loud crash. Food splattered and I held my face in my hands.

"You didn't tell me that you and Seb kissed," Pierre began from the doorway.

I pulled my hands from my face and saw him leaning against the doorframe.

"I didn't think it was important,"

His eyebrow rose knowingly, "That's why you were so happy last night,"

I nodded, "Yeah," I turned away and hid my face again.

I couldn't hold in the tears anymore. I felt the back of my hips hit the counter before I slid down it onto the floor into a crying mess.

I heard Pierre's soft footsteps as he walked over to me. He sat down beside me and slid me over to him so that I was sitting between his legs with my head on his chest.

"Shh," He cooed gently, rocking me forwards and backwards.

I sobbed quietly into his chest.

"I'm so proud of you, you know," He whispered.

"Proud of what?" I blubbered.

"You just did something that's probably killing you inside that you didn't have to do and that took some serious balls,"

"It would've hurt me more in the long run if I didn't do it,"

He squeezed me tight, "Rach, you have more guts than I do. Honey, I'm so proud of you right now,"

My mouth twitched into a small smile and I clutched onto him.

I took a shaky breath but more tears kept spilling over my eyes and Pierre kept tight hold of me.

We stayed silent after that because he knew that all I needed was to be held.

So I stayed in his arms for a while, crying and wondering...

Praying to God that I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life.

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And if I don't look back
Then I won't see how much I hurt you
I really hurt you
And if I don't look back
It doesn't mean I didn't love you
I didn't love you

Lucie Silvas- Don't Look Back

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