I'm Just a Puppet and She's Holding the Strings

"I don't believe I'm doing this," I sighed to myself as I knocked on the front door.

"Rachel!" Pierre grinned as he pulled open the front door.

I jumped and stepped inside as he moved to his left.

I closed the door behind me and looked over at him.

"Hey, where is he?" I asked bluntly.

"Upstairs," He replied, leading me towards the stairs.

"Is he even dressed?"

"Yeah but not well. He's not neat or anything, he's just barely presentable as a drunken man after eight hours at the bar," He explained as we reached the second floor, "I'd knock before you go in,"

I nodded and headed down the hallway, taking a deep breath as I reached his door.

Taking Pierre's advice, I knocked gently feeling my hands begin to shake as nervous adrenaline began to pump through my system.

"Who is it?" Sebastien's unmistakeable voice called.

I twisted the door handle and pushed the door open wide enough to slide inside.

"Delivery," I smiled.

"What're you delivering?"

"Hopefully some sense for that whacked-out mind of yours,"

He let out an airy laugh and closed the door.

"I got the message you were threatening to leave your devoted fiancee at the altar," I spoke casually but with a hint of distaste in my voice as I slowly wandered over.

"Yeah well threats like that are important when you need to get what you want,"

"And why exactly do you need me to get you what you want,"

He cast a glance out of the window then to the floor before he met my eyes with complete sincerity.

"You are what I want,"

I sighed and shook my head before I grabbed the chair from his desk and placed it in front of him.

Taking a seat, I folded my arms.

"I'm not exactly sure that you mean that," I began.

"I want to sort this out,"

I paused slightly. I just realised that he meant he wanted the argument sorting out, not that he actually wanted me.

"What's to sort out?" I spat, falling back in my seat in a huff. Rejection makes me angry.

"All the arguing that went on between us,"

I can't believe that he's threatened to not go to his own wedding just to sort out a stupid argument.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" I growled.

He frowned, "What are you talking about?"

"You have some warped sense of reality, you know that? You're threatening to leave the woman you love at the altar just because you want to sort out some stupid argument that you and I had! We can sort out our issues whenever the hell we want to but you only have one chance to get married and you choose this day, of all days, to do something that could be done any other time!"

He let out an irritated groan, "Oh would you read between the lines Rachel?! Do you really think that you would have spoken to me willingly if I hadn't made a threat like that?!"

"So you were playing on my guilt were you? Great, that's just fabulous- It was a stupid argument Seb, it's nothing worth throwing your whole future away for! I'm leaving!" I yelled, spinning around and heading for the door.

"Maybe I didn't get you here to sort out what happened!" He snapped making me stop in my tracks, "Maybe I got you here because I wanted to talk to you without getting into an argument, but I guess that's out of the picture, right?"

I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Maybe I made that threat because I wanted- no- needed to see you to find out if I was making the biggest mistake of my life,"

My hand fell from the door handle and I turned to face him.

"So can we talk?" He pulled a hopeful expression.

I nodded softly and wandered over to him, sitting back on the chair.

"So you think you're making a mistake huh?" I started slowly, not really knowing what to say.

"I don't know, there's such a big difference to my life whether I decide it's a mistake or not,"

"Well, if you decide it's not then there's not going to be that much of a change. I'm guessing that the only thing that will be different is that you'll have a ring on your finger and there's a lot more paperwork if it doesn't work out,"

"And if I decide that it's a mistake?"

"You'll lose the woman you love and there's a possibility she'll never forgive you- You'll also be in a large amount of debt,"

"Sounds like the 'not mistake' option means I don't lose as much,"

"It does," I nodded, "But you can't make a huge decision like this based on what would happen. Pros and cons can't be involved when it comes to love because the option with more cons isn't always the worst one,"

He nodded in understanding.

"If you're going to make this decision then you need to think about what you want and what you feel is right,"

"But I don't know what's right and what's wrong,"

"Yeah you do- You're just thinking about it too much. What's right usually comes natural so if your instincts are telling you to leave Beth then that's your heart telling you that you've made your decision," I explained, "But it's your choice whether you go through with it or not,"

He locked his adorable blue eyes on me, "There's so many questions to answer,"

I nodded, "I know but that's life,"

"Life sucks," He finalised.

"Yeah it does but we get times of it that make it worthwhile," I added, "And Beth is one of those worthwhile things so you need to think very carefully about what you want to do,"

"I'm trying,"

"To be honest, it's only natural to get cold feet before your wedding. It's a really big step, I can imagine how hard this must be for you but you need to get over it,"

"But I don't know if it's what I want though,"

"Beth was probably feeling exactly the same this morning. She was probably wondering whether this was what she wanted and whether she wanted to stay with the same guy for the rest of her life. And do you know what?"

He raised his eyebrows, "What?"

"That girl is going to get to that church on time and wait for the wedding march even though she had all these doubts in her mind and all these nagging feelings. She's willing to give up her single life and ignore all those scary emotions, you want to know why?"

"Because she's mentally unstable,"

"No," I laughed slightly, "It's because she's madly in love with you... That probably means she's mentally unstable but nevertheless she's willing,"

He chucked.

"And now you need to decide if you're as insane as her and so in love with her that you're going to do the same," I explained, "You love her don't you?"

He nodded, "Yeah I do,"

I felt a surge of jealousy but I suppressed it.

"Then you have your answer," I shrugged, getting up from the chair.

"Where are you going?" He frowned.

"I'm leaving... You don't need me anymore, now you have to go get married,"

He shook his head, "I'm not finished,"

"What do you mean? I thought you had the answer you wanted,"

"I have one of the answers that I need, but I still have one more question,"

"Hit me," I shrugged.

"Are you coming to the wedding?" He gazed up at me with the most endearing eyes.

"I don't really think that that's a good idea,"

"I think it's a fantastic idea,"

"I don't," I shook my head, "I better go, I don't want to keep you from your wedding any longer,"

"Rachel, will you quit leaving on me?! The first time you left me ended up with us in this situation and the second time was blown completely out of proportion, so do you really think that it's a good idea for you to leave now?!"

"What the hell do you mean the first time I left you?! The first time wasn't even my fault! I was seventeen years old; it's not as if I could have just said that I wanted to stay in Greece for three days because I'd fallen in love with some guy, is it?! Don't even try to place the blame on me, it's not like I left on purpose! You know as well as I do that I would've stayed there for longer if I could have," I growled, "Now, stop picking at stupid things between us and go get married to the woman you love,"

I grabbed hold of the door handle and pulled open the door.

"What happened to us?" He sighed.

I stopped again and my head dropped to the floor before I closed the door back over.

"What?" I asked.

"What happened to us, Rach? We never used to argue like this,"

"It all went wrong after you kissed me," I shrugged.

"Then I wish I hadn't kissed you,"

"You already said that on Monday," I spoke. My voice held an unconscious warning tone.

"Come here," He stated.

"Why?"

"I want to tell you something,"

"Can't you just tell me while I'm standing here?"

"Rach, could you just do as I ask please?"

He sounded like my dad but I complied and sat back down in the seat.

"What?" I waited expectantly.

I felt him take my hand and we both watched as he slid his fingers between my own.

"On Monday..." He began in a whisper before his eyes shot up to meet my own, "I lied,"

"Even if you did, you're still saying it now,"

"For a completely different reason though. I'm saying it now because I know that it's caused so much crap between us," He explained, "If it hadn't caused this then I would still be glad that I did it,"

"So why did you say it on Monday?" I was beginning to sound like a pouting teenager.

"Because I thought that you would somehow indirectly tell Beth about it and I've worked too hard that this relationship to blow it,"

"And yet you're still sitting here, due to be at the church in twenty-five minutes with me trying to convince you that it's the right thing to do... Somehow, I really don't understand your logic on this one,"

"There is no logic to it, that's why it's really hard for me to decide, I can't even sort my own mind out,"

"I'd help you but I don't know how. You can't expect me to help you if you can't even work yourself out," I shrugged, "So I think you should just ignore whatever feelings you're having and get yourself to the church,"

"I have another question,"

I sighed irritably, "I don't care. You're just wasting time!"

"Well maybe I want to waste time!"

"There isn't any time to waste, you have twenty minutes to get to the God damn church,"

"Why are you so set on making me get married?!"

"I'm not making you do anything! I'm trying to get you to do the right thing!"

"Did you ever think that I don't know if this is even the right thing to do?!"

"I did when you told me about five minutes ago,"

"I have another question," He repeated more sternly, ignoring my previous statement.

"I've already told you that I don't care,"

"Yeah, well I want to know,"

"Yeah, well there isn't going to be an answer,"

"Will you please stop arguing with me?"

"I'm not arguing, I'm trying to get you to your wedding on time,"

"Why are you so obsessed with me getting to my wedding?!"

"Because Beth doesn't deserve to be left at the altar which she will be if you don't get yourself there pretty quick,"

"I'm not leaving this house until you answer my question!"

"Fine! I'll answer your damn question," I huffed, "But you have to promise me that you'll leave as soon as I've done it,"

"Okay, I promise," He agreed.

I nodded and lowered my voice, "So what's your question?"

"Do you love him?" He asked.

"Huh? Do I love who?" I frowned in confusion.

"Pierre- Do you love him?"

"Why?"

"Because I need to know,"

"It depends what you mean by the term 'love',"

"I mean love, like in love,"

"That's a complicated question that I'd prefer not to answer,"

"Well you know my terms, either you answer or I don't leave this house,"

"I don't understand what this has to do with you getting married. How is knowing whether I'm in love with Pierre or not going to have any affect on you?"

"I have my reasons," He shrugged, "And I'd like your answer,"

I sighed and looked at him, "I refuse to answer that,"

"Why?"

"Because it's none of your business,"

"Well then I guess I'm not going to my wedding then," He shrugged.

I glared at him, "Don't do this to me!"

"I told you that I'd go to the wedding if you answered my question, you haven't answered my question so I'm not leaving,"

"This is ridiculous! You can't leave the rest of your life hanging on the answer to a stupid question!"

"It's not a stupid question! It's a completely feasible one, now will you just answer it?!"

"No!"

"Why not?!"

"Because I don't want to!"

"Then fine, I guess you can explain to Beth why I didn't turn up at the wedding,"

"Don't you dare put the blame on me!"

"Then answer the question and it won't be!"

"No," I spoke stubbornly.

"Why the hell not?! It's a simple question- Do you love him or not?!"

"It's a personal question; I don't have to answer it,"

"But this is me you're talking to,"

"That's the problem," I mumbled.

He fell silent and I rubbed my hands over my face before I looked over at him.

His eyes were watching his fingers twiddle about with each other.

I bit my lip, wondering whether to tell him or not.

"No I don't," I whispered, my voice cracking slightly, "Well... I do love him, but I'm not in love with him,"

He cast a glance up to me, "I heard you telling him you loved him,"

"When?"

"A few weeks back," He shrugged.

"Eavesdropping now are we?" I smiled playfully.

"No, I was just walking past the room and I heard it,"

"Any other conversations you've heard 'just walking past the room' that I should know about?"

I squinted as he pulled a thoughtful face.

I knew what that meant.

"There is isn't there?" I frowned slightly, "What have you heard?"

"I heard you speaking to Beth the other day,"

"You'll have to be a bit more specific, I've spoken to Beth many times,"

"When I came in and you gave me the third degree about when I'd come in. The day you said something about moving to Sweden,"

I pulled a confused expression.

"The day you told her about Ryan,"

"I never told any of you about Ryan, especially not Be-" I paused and my face fell.

Shit.

"That's nothing much that you would've overheard though, why is that important?"

"Because I know you weren't talking about Ryan,"

"Do you now?" I raised my eyebrows, "How exactly do you know that?"

"Because you were talking about me,"

"What makes you so sure?"

He leaned forward and I took in a shaky breath as he tucked my hair behind my ear.

"I know you,"

I gulped and gently pushed his hand away, my fingertips lingering on his skin for a second.

I coughed awkwardly and shuffled the chair closer to him.

"You need to get yourself sorted," I whispered, reaching forward to do the top button on his shirt.

He stopped my hands when they were close and decided to hold them instead.

"Seb, come on," I struggled briefly but not really usefully, "You need to get ready,"

"Do you wish that we hadn't kissed?" He whispered, ignoring me and tilting my chin up to force eye contact.

"Which time- The first time or last week?"

"Last week- I know that there's no way in hell either of us could ever regret the first time,"

I smiled, "I don't regret last weeks kiss. Not even a little bit," I shook my head.

"Pierre doesn't know about it, does he?"

I shook my head, "No," I lied.

My heart and head were battling for dominance- My heart fighting to tell him the truth and my head fighting to keep it to myself.

"If it's any consolation, if I wasn't engaged and you weren't dating Pierre then I would've kissed you a lot earlier,"

"Only your engagement has ever stood in the way," I admitted, my heart had conquered, "Pierre and I aren't going out,"

He frowned, "Did you split up?"

I shook my head, "We were never together,"

"I don't understand," He tilted his head, "Why did you say that you were and act like it?"

"Because Pierre told me you liked me and I didn't believe him so we came up with the idea of fake-dating to see if it would create a jealous reaction from you so he could prove it,"

He loosened his grip on my hands and I pulled them away.

"That is... Insane," He breathed,

I nodded, "Sanity isn't really included when it comes to situations like this,"

"Do you want to know something?" He whispered, taking my hands again.

I shrugged, "Why not?"

He kept his soft blue eyes on mine and bit down on his lip slightly, "I was jealous the whole time. You don't know how many times I had to clench my teeth to get through some of those situations,"

I swallowed hard as he traced his fingertips over my cheek.

My heart was pounding so hard I feared my ribs were close to breaking.

I took a shaky breath, "I know how you feel,"

Glancing at my watch, I noticed that there were ten minutes before he had to leave.

There was a knock on the door which made Sebastien and I part and me push my chair a little further back.

"Come in," Seb called.

We watched as David popped his head around the door.

I smiled at him and he sent me a grin.

"The car's running late. Pierre's calling Beth now so she knows. I thought I'd let you know,"

We nodded at him.

"How long is it going to be do you think?" Sebastien asked.

"About twenty minutes probably. There's been a car accident so the traffic's backed up. We'll probably get to the church about ten minutes late,"

Seb nodded, "Alright, thanks man,"

"No problem," He smiled before walking out and closing the door behind him.

Seb got up from the bed and tucked in his shirt.

"I guess we have longer than I thought," He mumbled.

"Yeah, you have more time to get ready,"

"I only need about five minutes for that,"

"Well you want to be perfect don't you?"

"Nobody's perfect," He shrugged, wandering over to the mirror to fix his hair.

"Beth is," I replied.

I watched as his reflection raised an eyebrow before he turned to me.

"She's really not. I love the woman to pieces but she's not," He shook his head.

"I can't find anything wrong with her,"

"Well you obviously don't know her like I do,"

"I'm glad I don't. I don't fancy kissing her all that much really,"

He laughed and began doing his tie.

"Is she not your type?"

"Female isn't my type," I replied, "Have I been giving off lesbian signals or something?"

"Or something," He smirked.

I glared playfully and threw a pillow at him.

"Hey!" He exclaimed.

"You deserved it,"

He chuckled and then frowned as he failed to tie his bow-tie properly for the sixth time.

"Damn it! I could do these this morning!" He growled, struggling to pull his finger from the tangled mess.

I shook my head and walked over to him.

"You and Pierre are completely useless,"

"Could he not do his either?"

"No, he woke me up really early to tie it so he could just put it over his head when he needed to," I answered, untangling the wreckage.

He laughed, "Classic,"

"I almost murdered him,"

"I'm surprised you didn't,"

"I had to use a lot of will-power,"

As a chuckle escaped his lips, I felt his breath drift over my face making me become suddenly aware of how close he was.

I concentrated on fixing his tie for him, becoming more and more distracted by his proximity.

I rapidly finished his bow-tie and adjusted its position before talking a small step back.

"Thanks," He muttered, almost inaudibly.

"You're welcome," I mumbled at the same volume.

I reached around his neck to get the back of his collar. As I turned the back of it down, he caught my hands.

My eyes slowly, and a little hesitantly, came up to meet his.

On some level, we both knew what would happen the moment I did.

It was just the matter of who would start it and what the other would do.

When our eyes locked, I finally noticed how close we actually were.

I would've guessed about three inches distance between our faces.

I knew, the moment he slid his hand down my arm and caressed my face, that it would be him that would risk it.

But it was on blatant impulse that I reacted.

His eyes were searching mine for some sort of signal that he could.

And he must have found one, because he slowly edged towards me and leaned in.

Half an inch away, I turned my head.

"Seb," I breathed.

His head fell to my shoulder, "I'm sorry,"

I shook my head, "Don't be. I just can't do it knowing that you're going to be a married man in less than an hour,"

"I don't have to be," He whispered, lifting his head and resting his forehead on mine.

"Don't ask me to make that decision for you. This is what you want, you want Beth and you want to marry her,"

"Do I now? How can you be so sure?"

"I know you," I spoke softly, reiterating his words.

He smiled, "Are you sure?"

I nodded, half-confident, before sliding my hand to the left side of his chest and finding his heartbeat.

"I'm sure," I replied, "That thing beating in your chest is only beating for Beth,"

He held a hand over the one of mine on his chest before his right hand rested on my lower left ribcage.

It was as if I could feel his hand on my heart.

"So who does yours beat for?" He questioned, his eyes gazing into my own.

I ran my knuckles over his cheek and he took his lip between his teeth.

I swallowed hard.

"... You,"

I couldn't read him at that moment. I'd always been able to tell what he was feeling but right then, I was completely stumped.

But I'd said it now, so it was only right that I tell him the truth.

"It has done for almost nine years. There hasn't been a day when I haven't thought about you,"

He fell completely silent and took a deep breath.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He spoke after a while.

Wriggling out of his grip, I wandered over to the bed and carefully took hold of his crease-less jacket then I walked back over to him.

His fingers brushed against my own as I gave it to him, causing tingles to spread through my hands.

"I didn't think it was the appropriate thing to admit to be honest," I shrugged, watching him put on his jacket.

I picked up the flower meant for his button hole and stepped a little closer.

"Things may have been different,"

"But probably not," I replied, adjusting his flower, "I can't compare to your future with Beth,"

"I wish you wouldn't say that," He sighed, "Do you really think that I'd be standing here, purposely not going to my own wedding, if you didn't?"

"I thought you had cold feet,"

"My feet are perfectly fine,"

"So why are you still sitting here?"

"I'm contemplating the fact that you seem to be a little confused when you say the comparisons. I have never once compared you to Beth. I've only ever compared Beth to you. So don't ever think for one second that I'm sitting here because of cold feet- The only reason I'm sitting here is because, to me, spending the rest of my life with Beth pails in comparison to a night in watching crappy films with you,"

I suppressed my smile. It was difficult but I did it.

"And so I'm asking you, well more like begging you, to somehow tell me what I should do,"

"I can't do that, it's not my decision to make. That decision would define who I am for the rest of my life,"

"How?"

"If I tell you not to get married then that would be very selfish of me and if I tell you to do it then it would be selfless and it would also mean I'm an idiot,"

"But we already know you're an idiot," He smirked.

"I know, but this is a different kind of idiot,"

"I didn't know there were different types,"

I nodded, "Yeah and I'm already one type so don't ask me to choose whether I should be another,"

"Either way you're still going to be an idiot it's just a different type of one, so you only really need to figure out which type of idiot you want to be,"

"I'd rather not be any," I shrugged, sitting on the edge of the bed, "But I'd rather be my natural idiotic self than a self-decided idiot... My gosh, I've never insulted myself so much in such a short time before,"

He laughed and walked over to stand in front of me before he knelt down and looked up at me.

"So you're telling me that you blatantly have no opinion on this subject?"

"No, I'm saying that I have an opinion but I'm not going to tell you what it is,"

He rested his hands on my thighs, "One more question,"

I sighed, "You said that ten questions ago. Come to think of it, you said that you'd go and get married once I told you whether I loved Pierre or not,"

"I swear down on your life that this is my last question,"

I nodded, "Okay,"

"Will getting married to Beth effect what we have in any way?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes,"

"Yeah it will. In all honesty I think it'll change a lot more than finding out that I knew you did,"

"I don't want that to happen,"

"I'll try to make sure it doesn't, but I doubt that we'd ever spend time together unless Beth was there,"

He frowned, "You do realise that you're not actually being neutral here? You're really diverting my choice towards not going to the wedding,"

I felt physically sick. I didn't want to sway him any way but I was doing it without even thinking.

I really, really wanted him to stay here with me more than anything I've ever wanted in my life... But some part of me knew that I wasn't that selfish. I wasn't the kind of person that could hurt someone so much with such a decision.

"Rach?" He murmured, trying to get me out of my dream world.

"I can't believe I'm getting married in thirteen days,"

"I know, crazy huh?"

"It's mad, I can't believe it,"

"Are you scared?"

"I'm nervous yeah," Beth nodded as she handed me my tea, "But I'm really excited, I'm counting down the days and everything,"

I chuckled slightly, "Yeah I noticed," So am I...

"I'm really looking forward to it. I just..." She sighed joyously, "I just can't wait to be married to Sebastien. I've been looking forward to it for so long, just knowing that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him makes me look forward to the future,"

I felt like the part of my brain in control of guilt had just gone into overdrive and slapped me across the face.

I smiled at her, awkwardly but not noticeably, thinking about how if I'd thought of this any earlier there's a possibility I would've destroyed her relationship.

Gulping down some of my tea, I hid my expression so she could continue.

"I love him so much. You know the kind of feeling you get when you realise that you don't ever want anyone else, no matter who they are, you just want that person and you want to give everything you have to them, even your life, if it makes them happy?"

"Rachel," Sebastien sang at me, shaking my knees to get my attention.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds before I opened them to look at him.

His eyebrows were raised, waiting for me to say something.

I leaned forward and put my face close to his, "Go get married," I whispered.

His eyebrows fell and so did his face, "What?"

"Do it. Go get married to the woman you love," I nodded towards the door.

"But I thought..."

I trailed my finger down the side of his face and cupped his cheek, "If you get married today, I'm the only one who's going to get hurt but if you leave Beth at the altar there's going to be more than one person who gets hurt,"

"How does that work?" He frowned.

"Trust me," I smiled, the back of my eyes beginning to fill with tears, "If you leave her there then I would have all that hurt on my conscience, and I can't handle that,"

"That wouldn't be on your conscience, it'd be on mine,"

"No matter how much you tell me that, it'd still weigh on me insanely,"

There was a knock on the door at that moment.

"Give us a minute, would you?" Seb called out, slightly irritably.

"The car's here, we have to go," Pierre shouted back.

Seb's eyes closed briefly as he took a deep breath and then locked eyes with me.

I nodded reassuringly and he pressed his lips together.

"I'm coming," He said loud enough to hear through the door.

I smiled slightly and moved my hand from his face.

"Okay," Pierre spoke back.

Seb linked our fingers and brushed away a tear that had fallen from my eye.

"I'm starting to think that you have a different opinion that you're not sharing with me," He leaned up, his body sliding between my knees as he came close to me.

"I don't need to share that opinion with you to make a decision," I mumbled, my voice almost cracking.

"And you're deciding that I'm going to get married to Beth today?"

I nodded, "Yeah I am,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I bit my lip.

He tucked some loose hairs behind my ear, "Can I kiss you one last time?"

I took a deep breath, "No because the moment you do I'm going to keep hold of you and I'll never want to let you go,"

"I won't complain,"

"I wish you every happiness," I smiled and leaned in, pressing my lips to his cheek, "Even if it means taking mine as well,"

His eyes fell to the floor and he got to his feet.

I watched as the only man I've ever loved walked away from me, holding in my tears as our fingers slid apart for the final time.

As he opened the door, he turned back and caught my eyes.

"Just so you know, I would've given it all up for you," He spoke confidently as my eyes finally over-flowed.

I nodded, drawing up my knees to my chest, "I know,"

And then he closed the door behind him.

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Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

A Fine Frenzy- Almost Lover

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