Saudade

I couldn't remember the last time I was this sad-no I wasn't sad I was depressed. I felt like I had a huge whole in my chest that I don't think will ever go away. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, because there really isn't anything worth getting out of bed for-at least not anymore. All I want to do is cry and hide underneath my covers.

How could I have been so stupid to think everything was eventually going to work out. Any sane person would have been able to see how naïve I had been.

It was my own fault, there was no doubt about that. If I could I would go back and change it all. I should have just been grateful for what I had-everything was perfect. Plain and boring but perfect. But thats not what I wanted, I wanted more. I wanted adventure and thrill- I guess that's where it went wrong. I knew what I was getting into with him and I knew that wasn't for me but I liked the sense of tranquility and stability that I took the chance.

I guess I liked that he wasn't like any of the other guys I had been with. He was sweet and caring, and all he wanted was to make me smile and share his life with me. Any girl would have been grateful to have someone like him but I wasn't any girl-I was Vera, the fun outgoing socialite from Los Angeles who fell in love with the quiet drummer, Andy Hurley and then I threw it all away for his closest friend, who in return threw me to the curb.