Saudade

I got into my car as hot angry tears roll down my face. I don't know why I'm so angry. Pete was right. I was going to break things up with Andy in the first place, so why was I so upset? Why was I feeling down and heartbroken?

I take my cell phone out of my pocket and call Marie, I just need somebody to talk to.

"I thought you were going to call me tonight."

"I know, it's just that I feel so alone" I cry out sounding desperate.

"You're not alone Vera, you have me, and your parents and Lucas."

"I can't help it, I just feel so alone." I say in between desperate sobs.

"Vera, just breathe. I'm going to drive up tonight, okay?"

"You don't have to do that."

"But I am, and I'll stay for the weekend and we can do whatever you want, even if it means I have to eat junk food all weekend and watch sad movies and lay in bed all day, I will do all of that and anything else you want."

"Why are you so nice to me?"

"Because you're my best friend, and I know you would do the same for me."

My sobs begin to subside and I start to feel like a complete idiot.

"Thank you." I finally say once the tears dry.

"You're welcome, now just relax and I'll be there in a couple of hours."

"Okay, be safe."

"You too, bye"

I breathe in deeply and exhale out slowly. I felt exhausted from all the crying. I really didn't know what came over me and caused the desperate sobs to escape my body, I was just glad that they were over.

I drive away not knowing where I was going I just needed to do something and not think for a while. But that was easier said than done, because all I could think about was Andy, and how much I fucking miss him.

I miss his sweet smile and the way he could make me laugh no matter the type of mood I was in, and the way he always made sure to tell me that he loved me after each conversation.
He used to say that we were made for each other, and I really wanted to believe that, but now I know he deserves so much better that me. Somebody who isn't me.

"You're joking, right?" I couldn't help but to laugh.

"No, I'm being completely serious." Andy replied with an amused smile on his face.

"You want me to move to Milwaukee with you?"

"Yeah, I know nothing can compare to Los Angeles but I hate that we have to travel all the time between the two why not move in together."

"Why not LA then?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

I heard Andy sigh as he got out of bed.

“Everything is in LA for me, you know that.” I said trying to make my case.

“I know, but this past week has just been so great here that I thought maybe it would be a good idea.”

“I love Milwaukee, but it’s mainly because you’re here.” I paused as I looked at him staring out the window.

“But you’re always on the road, if it’s not with Fall Out Boy it’s with The Damned Things, and I would just be here all by myself.”

Andy sighed as he turned to look at me and gave me a small smile.

“You’re right, it wouldn’t fair.”

“Maybe when we’re older and you’re not so busy all the time.” I told him with a small smile as I patted the bed beside me.

“So you’re implying we’re going to grow old together?” he said as he got back in bed and pecked my lips.

“A girl can only hope,” I smiled and kissed him back wishing this moment would last forever.

But that moment did not last forever. It was over before it even started. And it was my fault.

I drove back to my parent’s house surprise that they were still home.

“Where did you go?” My mom asks as soon as I walk back into the house.

“To get some fresh air,” I say with a small smile hinting that I did not want to continue with the conversation.

“I told you it would do you some good.”

“I’m actually going to spend the weekend at my place.” I tell her as she follows me up the stairs.

“That’s great honey.”

“Yeah Marie is coming over and she’s going to help me get rid of some stuff.”

“Good for you, I’m glad you’re moving on.”

I smile as she kisses me on the forehead and walks back down the stairs.

I sigh and walk into my room, making sure to text Marie to tell her to meet me at my apartment and not my parents’ house.